A short rant - dreamed about xMM

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm posting to get this off my chest and see if anyone wants to give their two cents.

 

I had a very vivid dream early this morning where I was talking to a guy friend, and said friend encouraged acting on a strange plan, which I hesitantly agreed to mostly because it would be a kick to pull it off. During its execution, I distinctly recall saying to myself, "I said I would never contact him again, but here we go." Like there was another purpose behind it.

 

The plan involved guy friend and me driving to the area xMM resides about an hour away. Friend called him from a cell phone with a number based out of Haiti (none of us are related to Haiti) so xMM wouldn't have an exact number. Friend told xMM to meet us somewhere. Next thing I remember, a male friend of my friend had joined us, and was driving (a pickup with a very lux king cab). Now it was night. XMM was on sidewalk and we slowly passed by him but he wouldn't get in because he didn't recognize the two guys with me. Soon after he got into the front passenger seat in front of me. I said nothing. Not even hello. Then, xMM said in his usual tone, "Hello [my name]." At that moment my eyes were wide open.

 

My initial reaction was anger for waking up so early over this stupid xMM dream. Went to bed late and now this jerk is waking me from sleep from a dream. Then I was angry because even in the dream I was the one who initiated contact. Par for the course since it was an unbalanced situation regarding effort. It put me in very pissy mood today. I felt like I wanted to call him up and tell him to stay out of my f'ing dreams...but my sanity prevailed over that.

Edited June 22, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[FMW]

Our dreams pull from our subconscious thoughts and try to work out the confusion and questions we have (or so I've read!). So it just means you haven't reached the point where you can put it behind you, you're still working it out in your head.

 

It sounds completely normal and not surprising that you would have this dream. But I absolutely do understand how upsetting it was for you - similar dreams happen to me, and like you said, ruin at least the first half of my day.

 

It seems to be getting better for me by being really honest with myself during my waking conscious hours about what I'm still feeling even though I hate it so much that I do. Working through it just takes time - so maybe allow yourself a little more time during your waking hours for it Eventually you'll work it out and really and truly put it behind you.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Our dreams pull from our subconscious thoughts and try to work out the confusion and questions we have (or so I've read!). So it just means you haven't reached the point where you can put it behind you, you're still working it out in your head.

 

It sounds completely normal and not surprising that you would have this dream. But I absolutely do understand how upsetting it was for you - similar dreams happen to me, and like you said, ruin at least the first half of my day.

 

It seems to be getting better for me by being really honest with myself during my waking conscious hours about what I'm still feeling even though I hate it so much that I do. Working through it just takes time - so maybe allow yourself a little more time during your waking hours for it Eventually you'll work it out and really and truly put it behind you.

 

Thank you for posting. I do believe I've nearly expunged it all minus the parts that made me better. This anger is the last little bit to release to be totally free.

[Abetterme]

Hi HMOB - I can empathize. I used to have frequent, vivid dreams of a similar sort and I always felt the same way. I know he caused you some distress more recently, so it’s not surprising that you’re working through some things or that he “popped” up.

 

I hated dreaming of him and my therapist said something similar about it being another layer my subconscious was working through. She practices EMDR and likened these dreams to being a similar way of releasing things.

 

Hopefully it is a one and done for you! I always appreciate your posts on this board. Take care!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hi HMOB - I can empathize. I used to have frequent, vivid dreams of a similar sort and I always felt the same way. I know he caused you some distress more recently, so it’s not surprising that you’re working through some things or that he “popped” up.

 

I hated dreaming of him and my therapist said something similar about it being another layer my subconscious was working through. She practices EMDR and likened these dreams to being a similar way of releasing things.

 

Hopefully it is a one and done for you! I always appreciate your posts on this board. Take care!

 

Thank you for your post and I'm glad you appreciate my posts. I always hope they help people because I received a lot of help here. I had another dream last night! xMM was pulling out all the stops in this dream. He was sending messages like never before and I wasn't getting any of them because I wasn't looking for them. Then he showed up and asked why I hadn't answered. I told him he only typically messages on holidays so why would I expect anything. My attitude towards him was very non-chalant. He was trying to be friendly and re-establish a friendship. Wierd dream.

 

The thing is, I won't do it. I won't be his friend again. After everything, he isn't even friendship material for the way he handled things. His communication skills sucked and I'm totally done making that my problem, with him or anyone else.

 

I very much hope you are correct that these dreams are the last stop to my complete healing. I've worked really hard, dug deep, trying to find wounds within me and heal them. I can have a propensity towards anxiety when overloaded with long periods of stress. I had a couple significant breakthroughs on that which decreased it. I have been considering EMDR for the last bit.

 

I'm interested in hearing about your experience with EMDR if you did it with your counselor. Best wishes.

Edited June 23, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Abetterme]

Hi again - Sorry to hear you had another intense dream. If you can believe it, I had another one myself last night and it has been some time since this happened. They are horrible and I had to spend some time this morning resetting.

 

Your A, and then friendship (if we can call it that) has taken a long time to extract yourself from. I do think EMDR might be an interesting thing for you to try. I can’t say it is the “magic bullet” and I was skeptical at first, but it has helped with some of the obsessive/obtrusive thoughts. I think it is one tool for the toolbox in fixing myself...and quite honestly, I’ll try anything!

 

Hope you have a better week HMOB!

[elaine567]

Do you think the asaysno thread may be triggering you?

Long thread, multiple dead ends, little progress... frustrating...

[Abetterme]

Do you think the asaysno thread may be triggering you?

Long thread, multiple dead ends, little progress... frustrating...

 

I can’t speak for HMOB, but I think that is a good point. It certainly wasn’t helpful to me, so I had to quit following. Several threads in the last couple weeks have done so. In some ways I can see a lot of my progress because it is all so heartbreaking to read and watch, but mostly I just beat myself up over how terrible I was when immersed in the affair. Reading feels like beating my head against the same wall.

 

I know HMOB has been very active on that thread. Something to think about...

[SpiceCat]

Well done for staying strong! We can celebrate together..my exMM actually emailed me last night (he was my lawyer..I've transferred to a different partner at his firm but since it has to do with my daughter, I'm too scared to miss something important if I block him completely from my life) to 'check in'. I'm fairly certain that was his code for 'I'm h*rny, can you come over?'. He tricked me into opening it by titling it 'Important Information'. Sigh.

 

I deleted it without responding, though I was tempted to send him a ranting email back. Not even 3 years of VERY limited, work only contact, zero physical interaction, my boyfriend, or my freaking suicide attempt will make him go away. I really loathe him.

[Abetterme]

Well done for staying strong! We can celebrate together..my exMM actually emailed me last night (he was my lawyer..I've transferred to a different partner at his firm but since it has to do with my daughter, I'm too scared to miss something important if I block him completely from my life) to 'check in'. I'm fairly certain that was his code for 'I'm h*rny, can you come over?'. He tricked me into opening it by titling it 'Important Information'. Sigh.

 

I deleted it without responding, though I was tempted to send him a ranting email back. Not even 3 years of VERY limited, work only contact, zero physical interaction, my boyfriend, or my freaking suicide attempt will make him go away. I really loathe him.

 

And well done to you Spicecat! Ugh...what a horrible jerk. I read a bit of your backstory in another post. He’s the lowest of low. I’m so glad you’re in a much healthier frame of mind and didn’t respond. All the best to you!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Do you think the asaysno thread may be triggering you?

Long thread, multiple dead ends, little progress... frustrating...

 

Yes, and thank you for confirming it. I suspected this might be the case. During the week I'm more focused on my responsibilities so it hardly phases me. The last couple weekends I've been in the dumps and I'm pretty sure too much LS is part of that.

 

It just points to more healing work I need to do. Once some of my responsibilities ease, I'm going to focus on it.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hi again - Sorry to hear you had another intense dream. If you can believe it, I had another one myself last night and it has been some time since this happened. They are horrible and I had to spend some time this morning resetting.

 

Your A, and then friendship (if we can call it that) has taken a long time to extract yourself from. I do think EMDR might be an interesting thing for you to try. I can’t say it is the “magic bullet” and I was skeptical at first, but it has helped with some of the obsessive/obtrusive thoughts. I think it is one tool for the toolbox in fixing myself...and quite honestly, I’ll try anything!

 

Hope you have a better week HMOB!

 

Thanks for your sweet reply. The only thing that disturbs me about xMM is how he undervalued me. I'm sure it harkens back to something from childhood. My goal in EMDR would be to find the source of that and heal it.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Well done for staying strong! We can celebrate together..my exMM actually emailed me last night (he was my lawyer..I've transferred to a different partner at his firm but since it has to do with my daughter, I'm too scared to miss something important if I block him completely from my life) to 'check in'. I'm fairly certain that was his code for 'I'm h*rny, can you come over?'. He tricked me into opening it by titling it 'Important Information'. Sigh.

 

I deleted it without responding, though I was tempted to send him a ranting email back. Not even 3 years of VERY limited, work only contact, zero physical interaction, my boyfriend, or my freaking suicide attempt will make him go away. I really loathe him.

 

Wow, this is completely ironic. I'm in a similar situation. My xMM is also a lawyer at my law firm. Recently I've been anxious to get something approved through the firm that will greatly benefit me, and I too have been concerned xMM would ruin that for me, especially if he were to realize I'd blocked him. So I haven't blocked him on the messenger app...yet! Once I am confident he couldn't interfere, I'll be all too happy to block him.

 

That means I get to see his profile pic as he changes it. I confess I wondered if he was sending smoke signals but have done my best to ignore. Then, this past weekend, he put a pic of himself sitting on a park bench wearing a t-shirt with sunglasses tucked into it, and a backwards baseball cap with his gray hair sticking out everywhere. He's in his early 60's and looked like he was trying to be age 14. Ridiculous. I just figured he must be trying to impress a young 20-something who he's probably chatting up...because I'm 19 years his jumior and he's probably decided to try younger this time.

 

I'm sorry your xMM put 'Important Information'. That is super douchey under the circumstances. I hate my xMM too. I'm guessing his attitude towards you despite your list of what should keep him from contacting you means your xMM is a narcissist. Narcissists think you are their property indefinitely, despite what you believe or what is actually happening in your life. My xMM is definitely a covert narcissist. I'm quite sure he knows it too.

[PhoenixRising8]

So I had my first dream this morning just before waking up and it was a weird one. Must be dream of things related to MMs week.

 

I was sitting around a dinner table with a bunch of people I didn't know and they were passing around their anniversary card. When it came around to me, someone snatched it out of my hand. When it came to it's resting spot on a side table xMM walked in. Didn't see his face, just his shape. And then I woke up. No idea what it means.

[mark clemson]

I'd say loss. But your marriage was bad, as you recognize, but still. You don't have the marriage and you don't have him, just the "ghost"/memory of him. Perhaps you feel like this whole situation has cut you off from what should be a sense of belonging with family (ie, passing around cards at a table)?

 

I think you'll go forward and find something better (as is being said supportively in your main thread). It'll just take a while, and some effort once you're ready to start it up. I think right now you're still processing everything emotionally. I suspect that eventually you'll wake up one morning and you'll know inside that you're fully ready for whatever the next stage of your life will be.

[mark clemson]

HadMeOveraBarrel - do you mind if we post about our dreams in this thread?

[PhoenixRising8]

It was xMMs anniversary card and I was waiting to see what was written inside it. Don't know if that makes any difference to the interpretation. It's the first dream I've had involving him.

[mark clemson]

Don't know LKK - I'm no expert in these things, but perhaps that takes it to the sense of belonging would have been with him. So you're missing that sense of security that comes with family - you were in part looking to him for that, but now that's not possible.

 

I suspect you'll find it again, it will just be a while...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

HadMeOveraBarrel - do you mind if we post about our dreams in this thread?

 

I don't mind. I think it would be awesome. I feel this thread is becoming a coffee break for LS folks who are posting on affairs but not actively participating in one. I think it's neat to have a spot to comment where it doesn't have to be on a current crisis and we can share thoughts about our own experiences. Feel free.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

So I had my first dream this morning just before waking up and it was a weird one. Must be dream of things related to MMs week.

 

I was sitting around a dinner table with a bunch of people I didn't know and they were passing around their anniversary card. When it came around to me, someone snatched it out of my hand. When it came to it's resting spot on a side table xMM walked in. Didn't see his face, just his shape. And then I woke up. No idea what it means.

 

I'll take a stab at this. I like dream interpretation.

 

Anniversary card represents happy unions celebrated over long periods.

 

Everyone passing it around could be your observation of others around you enjoying their own happy unions or disapproving/approving of xMM marriage (depends on their facial expressions).

 

Card snatched away means you feel this desire of yours was interrupted by something beyond your control.

 

Put on side table means your dream is currently on hold pending resolution of something else.

 

Your xMM walking in has to do with the something else (could be you are working through the residual emotions).

 

His shadow form means he is fading further into past and is no longer part of your everyday reality.

 

Edited after reading it was xMM anniversary card: could be others in peer group or society at large placing judgment or approval of his marriage.

 

You waiting to see what was inside it..maybe you wondering the true status between them?

 

If any of the above sounds like nonsense, feel free to refute. I won't be offended.

Edited June 26, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Abetterme]

Hello all - I’m glad dreams haven’t been such an issue previously Kat. I had them very frequently at first, so maybe a small mercy you’ll not have to deal with. I used to have a similar one where I was like a fly in the wall in his “life” and it was horrible.

 

My dreams were really all over the board but I think similar interpretations could be applied. Some of them were (embarrassingly) erotic, but most were emotional. He would be coming to me begging for forgiveness. The best thing I was able to process out of this was that the dreams where he did so, or asked me to be with him, I panicked. I never wanted that. I know he’s half the man my H is. I think much of getting through for me was that I wanted him to admit he was crappy to me so maybe in some ways it was my subconscious trying to provide me closure of something I knew in reality was never going to happen. I have come a long way in any anger toward him. It makes me sad at times, but I am solely to blame for not honoring my M.

 

My dreams now are evolving to disclosure of the A. I know I am in a different dynamic than you ladies considering I am MOW. I continue to discuss this every meeting with my therapist.

 

Thankfully the last two days I have tortured myself working out, so the nights have been dreamless :-)

[mark clemson]

3 dreams about the EA/AP:

 

1st - I was in a room with a TV. It was showing romantic old B&W movies (ala Humphrey Bogart). Then a hissing voice says "It's not like they don't both die at the end of the movie."

 

2nd - I was in a very high treehouse with old friends from high school. We were playing russian roulette with a (loaded) pistol. Suddenly we realize it's dangerous and someone says "Yeah, get rid of it." So we toss it over the side.

 

Even though AP wasn't in these dreams, as soon as I woke up I knew they were about the EA.

 

The 3rd dream was just a couple of months ago. Both she and I are dead and buried. However, we are still somehow alive and even though we are separated by physical space we are somehow viciously fighting each other.

 

 

Feel free to give thoughts if you wish.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 dreams about the EA/AP:

 

1st - I was in a room with a TV. It was showing romantic old B&W movies (ala Humphrey Bogart). Then a hissing voice says "It's not like they don't both die at the end of the movie."

 

2nd - I was in a very high treehouse with old friends from high school. We were playing russian roulette with a (loaded) pistol. Suddenly we realize it's dangerous and someone says "Yeah, get rid of it." So we toss it over the side.

 

Even though AP wasn't in these dreams, as soon as I woke up I knew they were about the EA.

 

The 3rd dream was just a couple of months ago. Both she and I are dead and buried. However, we are still somehow alive and even though we are separated by physical space we are somehow viciously fighting each other.

 

 

Feel free to give thoughts if you wish.

 

Hi Mark. I read your post last night but it was so intense it took me until today to respond.

 

All your dreams center around death. Death is symbolic of endings and new beginnings. Where were you emotionally at the time of these dreams? Where are you now?

 

Also I'm not familiar with your personal story. I'm going to look for it under your profile. If it's not on LS, would you mind sharing it here?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Mark, now that I've perused the threads you started I'm wondering, Did you really have these dreams?

 

Just sayin'!

(Super cute thread idea by the way--the post about being a relationship expert was hilarious)

Edited June 28, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[mark clemson]

Thanks, HadMeOverABarrel. Interesting what you say about endings/beginnings.

 

For dream #1 I was in the midst of the EA. Had full fledged limerence, couldn't stop thinking about her, crying, pretty much the whole nine yards.

 

For dream #2 I think it was about the time the limerence started slowly fading. Even though I would still see her at her work.

 

Dream #3 was recent, maybe 2 months ago. The A fully ended in early Jan.

 

I never posted my own thread because when I started here the A had already been over for months. However, it's summarized in one of Darkbloom's threads:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/680238-down-rabbit-hole-2.html#post7762956