I wish I never married my husband

[Eternal Sunshine]

Your thread opening... "I wish I never married my husband"

 

I have a question, why did you?? I mean this was your second marriage, so you already knew what marriage entailed, so it begs the question, why did you get re-married??

 

 

Because she didn't want to be alone and he was the first warm body that came along. Mostly why most people marry.

[BettyDraper]

Not every man can get sex on demand or on a regular basis. Some may need to work hard to persuade women to have sex with them, so marrying may still be for some men a way of getting sex on tap.

 

Most men can find a steady girlfriend to have sex with outside of marriage. The quality of the girlfriends depend on many factors though.

 

In marriage, there is no guarantee that the sex will be on tap.

Look at all the husbands on this very forum who complain about their sex lives.

 

My point is that there are too many variables to say that men marry primarily for sex and no evidence that the OP’s husband married her mainly for sex. That assumption is unfounded.

[elaine567]

In marriage, there is no guarantee that the sex will be on tap.

 

Of course not but when a guy shows up complaining about his sexless/low sex marriage, there is usually a chorus of guys urging him to leave his wife, his kids, his marriage, as to them a marriage without sex is not a marriage...

 

For many guys there is no love/marriage without sex.

It is therefore not a huge leap to think the OP's husband married her to get regular sex...

[michzz]

That's just it, I think there has been a lot of leaping to conclusions in this thread.

 

Bringing up a gender generalization to justify another one is puzzling to me.

 

If a married person is considering an affair and STILL has not done it, then stop it and try to repair the marriage.

 

If already in the affair? Also stop it but alert your spouse. STIs, money issues, theft of time, all are in play and should be handled.

 

AND divorce rears it's head.

[BettyDraper]

That's just it, I think there has been a lot of leaping to conclusions in this thread.

 

Bringing up a gender generalization to justify another one is puzzling to me.

 

If a married person is considering an affair and STILL has not done it, then stop it and try to repair the marriage.

 

If already in the affair? Also stop it but alert your spouse. STIs, money issues, theft of time, all are in play and should be handled.

 

AND divorce rears it's head.

 

I agree.

 

I am well aware that sex is extremely important to men but I'd like to think that sex is not always the top motivation for marriage for males either.

Men aren't just rutting animals looking for their next sexual encounter.

 

The OP needs to focus on her marriage instead of her crush.

[Lotsgoingon]

There is nothing to feel guilty about for not wanting to have sex, given that you are unhappy about the relationship. That you are unhappy and alienated from your husband ... and yet feeling like you are doing something wrong by not having sex with him ... indicates to me that you don't feel comfortable speaking up for yourself.

 

You feel bad because you're not honest in the relationship--you don't know how to be honest and real in a constructive way. Hubby doesn't have a clue as to how miserable you are, how angry at him you are. That's not just his fault for failing to pick up your cues (though he is partly at fault). That's also your fault for not speaking up--all along the way.

 

I'd recommend therapy just for you--so YOU can find your voice and your assertiveness in the marriage. You might still later conclude the marriage isn't working, but at least you worked on yourself and did what you could ... Couples counseling is iffier because you might hide (as you're doing now) and edit your feelings. So you don’t get close to what you want.

 

One of the skills that marriage requires is for us to be present and clear and real every day. We can't just marry a good person and expect things to unfold happily. We can't go on autopilot. We can't wait until a year of misery to speak up about something.

 

We have to speak up, pay attention, check in with our partner, check in with ourselves-- say no, say yes, say I'm not sure. Say I'd like this, not that. I want more of that, not this ... and I'm confused about this ... and it doesn't feel good when you do that ... can you help me understand? And we have to do this all along.

 

Right now, you're running on autopilot ... pretending to be a happy spouse. I don't mean to be harsh. This passive withdrawal happens when we don't know how to speak up in a relationship (probably learned--not learned--in your family while growing up).

 

That's why I recommend therapy.

[mark clemson]

I agree.

 

I am well aware that sex is extremely important to men but I'd like to think that sex is not always the top motivation for marriage for males either.

Men aren't just rutting animals looking for their next sexual encounter.

 

 

This is accurate. It can be a primary motive for marriage, but it certainly isn't always that. Fair enough.

[elaine567]

Yes IC, in order to be able to effectively speak up and/or to gain the courage to leave.

But I guess the OP has done her fair share of speaking up, of voicing her discontent, to have it minimised and ignored or even shouted down...

Now, she is all out of ideas.

Now, she is just quietly seething...

[loversquarrel]

Yes IC, in order to be able to effectively speak up and/or to gain the courage to leave.

But I guess the OP has done her fair share of speaking up, of voicing her discontent, to have it minimised and ignored or even shouted down...

Now, she is all out of ideas.

Now, she is just quietly seething...

 

Where in her post did she indicate any form of communication with him?????????

[loversquarrel]

Me thinks this is a SECOND marriage for a reason and dare I say the first more MAY have ended similarly...

[BettyDraper]

Me thinks this is a SECOND marriage for a reason and dare I say the first more MAY have ended similarly...

 

Why? What makes you think that?

[loversquarrel]

Why? What makes you think that?

 

Call it a hunch. If someone gets remarried and they seem to have communication issues in the second marriage, chances are they had them in the first marriage and failed to work on the issue before the second marriage. I'm venturing down this rabbit hole as the OP indicated interest in someone outside the marriage and did not explain whether or not she verbalized any of her concerns with her husband.

[Lisa_Lisa]

OP, I will advise that you pursue interests/hobbies of your own to grow as an individual. Your husband will soon get the picture that he should spend some time with you when he sees you leaving for a class or a comedy show or some volunteer work you've signed up for. It might take a month or more for him to notice, but he will and will ask you where you're going and will wonder about you. You will soon be mysterious to him and his interest in spending time with you will go way up.

 

 

This is advice I read from a relationship book where the wife complained that her husband always preferred the company of his friends for golf every Sunday or meeting with his colleagues on a regular night. She felt neglected, defeated, and left out of his life......so she got a life of her own. She did some improv classes and made friends or did some things on her own, all WITHOUT telling her husband what she planned to do or where to be.

 

 

He noticed and soon asked to spend some time with her and she told "I've got class tonight, but maybe we can plan something" piquing his interest even more. Pretty soon they had regular date nights and he was romantic.......

 

 

So please don't sit around at home being resentful with him and fantasize about another man. That man will not fix what is missing in the marriage. I believe your marriage can be salvaged, just go out there and get a life.

[elaine567]

It really depends on the man as to whether the above advice will work. Sounds an easy fix, but

...some men will not care a damn what their wife gets up to and will merely ramp up his "sports activities" in response to her "growing as an individual".

 

It all depends on whether he is still actually "present" in the marriage, whether he wants to fix it, whether he thinks it needs fixed.

If for instance his sporting activities are actually just covering up cheating, not uncommon, then he is going to take full advantage of her bookclub nights or her hiking weekends to see his OW more often...

 

If he is actually obsessed by sport, some men are, then again he will use the extra "free time" to get some more sport into his schedule...

 

But growing as an individual, may give her the necessary tools to one day say enough is enough...

[loversquarrel]

No one is each others keepers, the sooner people realize this the better off they will be in relationships. Communication and understanding along with give and take is attainable and healthy. When we develop expectations and look to mind reading for communication the relationship will fail. Every. Single. Time.

[Blanco]

At this point it looks like the OP isn’t returning, but I want to add that I don’t understand why some of you are acting like this is totally on her husband. He’s not blame free but I’ll agree with the poster who thinks it’s worth noting that the OP appears to be struggling with communication in her second marriage. Itd be nice to know if she’s told him any of this. If she has, maybe her picker is off. If she hasn’t, then I think we are seeing a reason why she has now struggled in two marriages.

[BettyDraper]

It really depends on the man as to whether the above advice will work. Sounds an easy fix, but

...some men will not care a damn what their wife gets up to and will merely ramp up his "sports activities" in response to her "growing as an individual".

 

It all depends on whether he is still actually "present" in the marriage, whether he wants to fix it, whether he thinks it needs fixed.

If for instance his sporting activities are actually just covering up cheating, not uncommon, then he is going to take full advantage of her bookclub nights or her hiking weekends to see his OW more often...

 

If he is actually obsessed by sport, some men are, then again he will use the extra "free time" to get some more sport into his schedule...

 

But growing as an individual, may give her the necessary tools to one day say enough is enough...

 

I agree. The success of "getting a life" in response to being a sports widow depends on the wider dynamics of the marriage.

 

Wanting to spend time with a spouse is not automatically a sign of not having a life or needing to focus on independence.

There's no point in being married if free time is not spent together sometimes.

 

I say this as a woman who has made sure to cultivate friendships and interests outside of marriage.

I wouldn't be pleased if my husband rarely took me out and prioritized his friends over me all the time.

[Lisa_Lisa]

If OP communicated this to her husband, and he understood and made assurances he'll spend more time with her then the next step is for them to go out and do things together, but if she hasn't told him anything or did and he hasn't changed, stewing in her emotions and resenting her husband won't help. Divorcing over something that can be remedied is tragic. And another man won't help things, but going out and doing activities/hobbies will help as outlet for her emotions.