Newly starting on this journey of being "the other woman"

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Having skimmed through some of your earlier threads I'm concerned you actually took him into your home when you have a young teen living there. Have you allowed MM to meet them? I really don't want details of your sex life (believe me) but I hope you aren't meeting up when your child is present.

 

Think about the type of example you want to show them, what advice what you give then if they were entering into this situation in the future or worse if they were the in the wife's place!

 

Wait, hold on...there's a teen in OW's home? This guy clearly has zero impulse control with sexual activity. I wouldn't let him anywhere near any kid in whom he could either have a sexual interest in, or one that he could coerce into other perverted acts like watching porn.

 

I had a neighbor once whose boyfriend would make her 13 years old son watch porn. That kid was seriously messed up because of it.

 

I found out because one day I offered to pay him $20 to pressure wash a small section of the fence. He told me about it. I stayed far away after that.

 

But this guy, he seems like he'd take any easy opportunity to corrupt.

Edited June 25, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[lenny72]

This is exactly what I was looking for! This isn't something I can really discuss with friends and for some reason in this situation I am 100% not myself.

 

I have really been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching based on your comments and so appreciate all your input.

 

First, I have a hard moral compass. I live by my values. This is the first time in my life I am throwing everything I believe in out the window. I am behaving in a hedonistic manner and am completely aware of this and don't understand where this is coming from. I am upset to the point it's making me physically ill. This is where I've vacillated. I've argued with myself and told myself a story that I am not the one breaking a commitment to this woman to try and justify my actions. I know I'm a piece of **** over this and am aware I am compartmentalizing everything.

 

Second, many comments were about this man leaving his wife to be with me so I spent a lot of time really thinking about what I want from this thing I've gotten myself into. I've come to the realization, I don't want him to leave his wife for me. I just want to have this fling for a bit. I feel just so frigging good when I'm around him. He's like heroin to me right now. If I were to be around him on a day to day basis it just wouldn't be the same. If I am going to continue being selfish for a bit ... what's happening now is all I actually want out of this although I wouldn't mind being soaked in this drug a little more frequently. A few reasons I don't want anything more. 1) right now the time we spend together is good times only 2) I'm actually pretty partial to having a lot of my own space. I think if I were to get into another relationship I might lean towards us always keeping separate dwellings 3) my life is very busy and I don't have the energy in me to work on a real relationship 4) I did mention we live in a gossipy small town ... we are both well known in the community and this story should I break up his marriage and he came to me would provide 20 years of gossip ... NOT MY JAM. It's still a sexist thing but I'd be the one wearing the scarlet letter. I'm in senior management and moving up ... this kind of gossip and rumors would be a career stopper in my hick town.

 

A bit more about me, I believe I am demisexual. It's always been easy for me to turn people down and friend-zone them as I'm rarely attracted to anyone. This leads up to the next points where I may have been part of a plan ... I totally thought there were many strange goings on but in my high with the attention and feeling so good when around my MM I never gave much of this any attention until your comments here.

 

I thought I explained enough of the situation in the original post that was relevant (why it was so long) but after reading your posts I'm thinking there's more to this ...

 

The long term backstory: I met this couple around 5 years ago. I met MM first actually at a card game at a mutual friend's house. The BW showed up later when she got off work. I stated I was acquaintances with the couple as I've never had any kind of deep conversation with either of them prior to this story. MM is very introverted, she is a Tasmanian devil. She is pretty crazy and all out there in an off-putting way. With both of them, I engaged in pleasantries over the years many, many times. I avoided them mostly because she was so nuts but over the years she kind of grew on me and I started to like her. He was always pretty chill. They've been inviting me to come for a card game numerous times over the years but I as well am an introvert so repeatedly declined. This year I've been forcing myself to get out there a little more so when that first time in the story I bumped into them and she invited me over it was early enough in the evening (I like to get to bed early) I agreed. Now that I'd warmed up to the ladies weirdness I thought to myself these are fun people. I would like to be friends with them.

 

Until reflecting on some of the comments I had not thought many things relevant ... now I'm beginning to wonder. All these strange things actually make a bit of sense in this light.

 

- So, they bump into me, we talk about the weather a bit or whatever I go my way they go theirs, 5 minutes later ... It's MM's birthday and he said he'd love it if I came over to play cards on his birthday (so his idea and she was clear on that).

 

- When at their place playing cards, she got really overly smashed compared to the group. At one point she leaned over to me and said "we should give MM a threesome for his birthday but I ain't licking no p**sy." This was a hard lean back for me but like I said she was so weird and crazy this is the kind of thing she said often so I didn't think it relevant.

 

- That first card game night she went and crashed out and the other guy was still there and I personally felt MM was paying me a bit too much attention. She would appear walking through the room every 15 minutes or so. While I thought she should probably have schooled him at that point a couple times in her wanders she just walked by so I thought this might be a thing they do.

 

- When I bumped into them again after that first game where they invited me to the second she again stressed MM would really like you to come over to play cards.

 

- The weird freak out lock him out of the house thing from the first post. I had so much respect for her on this. While it was really bad on MM for schmoozing, I so respected her for her total attack on him and leaving me out of it. I don't know of anyone that would have done that. When she locked him out for me to deal with was friggin confusing to me.

 

- That few hours that night we talked, not a call, text or nothing from her. Like I said I really feel our communication is very open and honest. I asked him about his messing around history and he told me his eyes had been wandering of late but I'm the first he acted on it with.

 

- Every time I see him, not a call, text or nothing from her.

 

- Like I said, I'm like a block from where they live. Not on the same street but just a slight jog. He comes over and parks at my house for hours in his distinguishable vehicle.

 

- The last time he was over I asked if he'd come over straight from work. He works on the road so isn't around all that much. He said no, he went home for a couple hours and showered and such. This was at 7 in the eveninish. He was with me until 3 in the morning. No text, no calls. I asked what are you going to say to BW if she asks where you were. He said she won't which I thought was bizarre.

 

I'm thinking about all these things after reading your comments and have built myself a story.

 

The story I'm telling myself ... I will be seeing him tonight (unlikely) or tomorrow night (likely) so will ask him myself but here's what I've made up for now.

 

BW gave him a hall pass and has been helping him on this endeavor. I was/am a target of this. I do actually believe him in that this is his first rodeo. Like I said he's not much to look at. I think this is a plan they've been working towards for some time though and I ended up being the willing victim.

 

Since posting and reading your comments I've been stewing constantly and am now even stewing more.

 

I will ask him about this and post a further update.

 

Also, for those concerned I have a teenager still at home. I don't bring home strings of men or anything nor people I just meet. The MM, I have known for 5 years so having him over for a visit at the kitchen table it totally legit for me. Any schmoozing doesn't happen at my pad.

[JenLS]

I'm in senior management and moving up ... this kind of gossip and rumors would be a career stopper in my hick town.

 

I'm not sure what advice you're seeking but jeopardizing one's career over a potential fling is reckless. Then again, maybe the unpredictability of it all is what is so alluring...

 

I had a neighbor once whose boyfriend would make her 13 years old son watch porn. That kid was seriously messed up because of it.

 

An adult cannot show pornography to a minor.

[pepperbird]

An adult cannot show pornography to a minor.

 

 

Do you men they can't or they shouldn't?

[heartwhole2]

I'm in senior management and moving up ... this kind of gossip and rumors would be a career stopper in my hick town.

 

This concerns me. Please be careful to protect yourself.

 

I will ask him about this and post a further update.

 

What are the chances he would answer this question honestly if your theory is correct?

[stillafool]

Be careful OP, I hope his so called WEIRD wife doesn't kick your arse.

[Capris]

I'm not gonna talk about morals here. I've been through a horrible affair as an OW, so please listen to me when I say: run away and never look back.

 

If you want to look into something, look inwards. What is it, in your life, that has made you feel unworthy?IMO, people who get into Affairs as the other person, have serious confidence issues, myself included. They might not show at first sight. You might be a strong, independent woman, yet you are willing to put your values aside and play second because you think you've found your soulmate.

 

You were right not to believe in soulmates before, because they aren't true. Sure, you share a connection with this guy but the fact that he's unavailable is a HUGE no no when it comes to relationships and a huge indicator that you have personal issues you need to sort out before you get into any type of relationship.

 

If it was just about sex, fine, but it's not. You're fooling yourself if you think you can leave at any time. Sure, ask him if they are in an open relationship or if she gave him a free pass, although I advise never to ask a liar for the truth, if he says yes, then tell him you will.need to talk to his wife to confirm. Take note of his reaction. If he says you can, then do so. Talk to the wife. If all this is happening with honesty towards the wife, I wonder if your feelings will change.

 

Anyway, please let this go, it's going to turn bad on you and only you.

[lana-banana]

Your latest post has some pretty bad signs. Your insistence that you don't want him to divorce is unconvincing. You already have 100% full faith and trust in this man's honesty, despite him consistently displaying the opposite. He's a handsome man with a sexually forward wife and your initial response is to believe everything he says about a tough marriage and being his very first stray outside ever...(and his wife's comment and carefully timed strolls through the room were a coincidence? You just so happened to melt into his arms immediately? C'mon.)

 

Of course you want to believe it. It's flattering. You want to believe you're a special princess versus a carefully selected target. But like every other person involved with a married man, you're getting a story that's specifically engineered to produce the outcome he wants, i.e. sex. I am sure if you ask him he will tell you that he lives in a sexless marriage, they plan to divorce, blah blah blah.

 

Here is what makes your situation different: you aren't a mistress, you're a marital aid. She isn't a betrayed wife, she's a willing participant. After he came back to his home the first time they probably had outrageously wild sex at the thought of what had just transpired, and this will likely continue after every future encounter (but of course he'll insist it's nothing of the kind, he's never felt as connected to anyone as he does to you, etc). If you are fine with this, go for it. But this doesn't seem to be an affair situation at all.

[mark clemson]

Curiouser and curiouser...

[Amethyst68]

If you believe his wife has given him a hall pass ask HER, I mean you should have no problem with approaching and asking her, right?

[elaine567]

I feel just so frigging good when I'm around him.

He's like heroin to me right now. If I were to be around him on a day to day basis it just wouldn't be the same. If I am going to continue being selfish for a bit ... what's happening now is all I actually want out of this although

I wouldn't mind being soaked in this drug a little more frequently. .

This is the exact reason so many who have been there, done that, are cautioning you against going down this path...

It is the addiction that does the real and lasting damage.

[Beentheretoooften]

This is the exact reason so many who have been there, done that, are cautioning you against going down this path...

It is the addiction that does the real and lasting damage.

 

You said it. In the moment, for first timers, it’s always I’ll break it off later, or I’ll have plenty of time to get over this. But each time the hole gets deeper and deeper.

[lenny72]

Well this isn't much of an update as I haven't talked to him yet. This just gives me more time to stew on the story I am telling myself thinking of even more forgotten storied of my interactions with the couple over the last number of years that could support this made up story of mine. I am feeling pretty disgusted if my story is true. There are plenty of sites you can find NSA playthings on so there was no need to get f**king with my emotions like this. So now I'm left feeling quite stupid. As well there is a tarnish to my soulmate connection with this guy.

 

Now here's where I'm feeling even more stupid... It's looking like tonight isn't going to work out for me to see him and it's gut wrenching. Although my feelings have cooled off significantly I still just want to be around that well being feeling I have when I'm in his presence.

 

I don't understand anything about myself anymore and I've always felt I was quite self aware. I need to pinpoint just what the f**k is going on with me.

[JenLS]

Do you men they can't or they shouldn't?

 

Well, both.

 

I'm no attorney but showing pornography to a child under 18 could very well be punishable by law.

 

Also, for those concerned I have a teenager still at home. I don't bring home strings of men or anything nor people I just meet. The MM, I have known for 5 years so having him over for a visit at the kitchen table it totally legit for me. Any schmoozing doesn't happen at my pad.

 

That's good.

[heartwhole2]

In your post from last year, you said a couple of things:

 

I don't feel sexy any more and I'd like to feel sexy again....

 

I've been pretty isolated from people this last couple years. I would like to make some friends and get out and do things again. I've done very little in a number of years.

 

It's little surprise that a man who came along and made you feel connected to others and SEXY would be a big boost to you.

 

The question is why you are entertaining the advances of someone who is so clearly not good news? I don't even care if his wife is in on it or he's just using you to stick it to her. His actions were quite forward and persistent . . . they didn't "just happen." You know better . . . he is JUST like all the other married men who hit on you. Don't trade your self-respect for a little ego-boosting. You're a princess because you know your worth, not because an unattractive married man gets you extra snacks.

[lenny72]

Actually heartwhole I had really thought I fixed all that in the last year. I've done much work on myself and had a couple flings that boosted my confidence back up. Also now that I've snapped out of the depression I was in have lost much weight and my career has exploded.

 

I think I'm ready to start exploring something a bit more substantial now. I've been going on some dates with really nice men that I'd love to be friends with but haven't felt any kind of connection with and then out of the blue this married bs shows up and screws with my plans.

[Sheree001]

Ok so I read this in its entirety. You wont like how this will end in a year or so. Number one the man was married and being the other woman gets tiring at some point and it makes you get tired of keeping secrets like you said. One thing I dont think you realize you said was that this kind of connection does not happen everyday. Oh it happens everyday trust me. You should not have to change your plans in your busy day to accommodate a liar and a cheater. Just think about it he been with this woman since his early 20s AND they have kids together...now they may not work out for too much longer but you have to also think. Ok either he been with this one woman for so long and he just want something different so thats why hes lusting with you. However on the other hand he could be one of those men who get with multiple women and you are just one of the many he already has. Pay attention to your actions and his...something is not right about the picture. I know this man turns you on but you need to love yourself more right now because hes going to wnd up leaving you heart broken.

[heartwhole2]

The thing that stands out to me is that external things (flings, professional success) are what is boosting you on the inside. Your inner peace and confidence should be the same no matter what is going on in your life. Confidence based on men wanting you or work going well is just one bad day away from crumbling.

[mark clemson]

^^^^^ totally agree. External validations can be the "extras" but the real you is within and that should be the ultimate source of your self-esteem, confidence, and contentment.

[Beendaredonedat]

- Like I said, I'm like a block from where they live. Not on the same street but just a slight jog. He comes over and parks at my house for hours in his distinguishable vehicle.

and yet you say you are worried about your reputation in this small town you both live in? O.o

[Turning point]

Here is what makes your situation different: you aren't a mistress, you're a marital aid. She isn't a betrayed wife, she's a willing participant.

 

Yes. This script reads like a carefully cast play and the OW has no clue about the character she's playing.

[SpiceCat]

Well this isn't much of an update as I haven't talked to him yet. This just gives me more time to stew on the story I am telling myself thinking of even more forgotten storied of my interactions with the couple over the last number of years that could support this made up story of mine. I am feeling pretty disgusted if my story is true. There are plenty of sites you can find NSA playthings on so there was no need to get f**king with my emotions like this. So now I'm left feeling quite stupid. As well there is a tarnish to my soulmate connection with this guy.

 

Now here's where I'm feeling even more stupid... It's looking like tonight isn't going to work out for me to see him and it's gut wrenching. Although my feelings have cooled off significantly I still just want to be around that well being feeling I have when I'm in his presence.

 

I don't understand anything about myself anymore and I've always felt I was quite self aware. I need to pinpoint just what the f**k is going on with me.

 

Your 'soulmate' is a guy who happily cheats on his family? What does that say about your soul?