He told someone he would be with his ex if her could!

[FLone37]

I haven't posted here in years and that was unrelated to my current relationship. But now I am back with a huge problem. Please be gentle, I am in a lot of pain and very confused on what to do. I will keep it as brief as possible.

 

I've been with my fiance for 3.5 years. We live together. We've had our bumps in the road, but things have been going very well. We knew each other 20 years ago and he was married, but we re-connected 3 years ago. He was in a 7 year relationship after his ex-wife, and before me. I always wondered if he were over his ex-girlfriend he dated for 7 years before me, but he always assured me he was. According to his ex-wife, who I spoke to about 3 months into out relationship, he cheated on his ex-girlfriend twice. One with his ex-wife, and again with another girl. His ex-wife told his girlfriend and she broke up with him at the end of 2014. He adamantly denies cheating on her and blamed the end of that relationship on his ex-wife. He claimed she lied about the whole thing. But his relationship with his ex-wife and girlfriend were up and down as well. He drinks a lot and can have a bad temper, so I do believe that he cheated.

 

Anyway, I got a weird feeling one night and I know it was wrong, but I looked at his phone. I saw texts from last week where a friend of his told him he saw his ex-girlfriend at the store. My fiance asked how she looked and his friend said she put on weight, but looked healthy otherwise. Then my fiance proceeded to say he would still get back with her if he could because they had a lot of fun together, but his ex-wife messed that all up so there's nothing more he can do. I was so blindsided and hurt to see that.

 

I know I snooped, so please don't bash me for that. But I need advice as to what to do. He doesn't talk to his ex-girlfriend, but he works less than a mile from her house. His 20 year old son is still close with her and her daughter and he even lived with them for a while last year. His son brings the daughter around my fiance to hang out sometimes and now I wonder if my man has been telling her to send messages to his ex that he wants her back. His ex has been with another man since 2015, and she and I talked a few years ago and he said she would never want my man back. But that doesn't matter.

If you saw that your fiance told someone he'd be with his ex if he could, would you be able to let it go and just hope she never comes back around again? Or would you break it off? I feel like a second choice, even though he says I am the love of his life. Who goes around telling people they want their ex back when they are living with someone and supposedly happy? I have to assume if he told this guy he barely sees, that he has been telling others the same thing in hopes it gets back to her. Would you be able to just forget about him saying that since there isn't really anything else bad going on? It kills me that he said he'd be back with her if he could. I feel like a fool that people know he would rather be with her! I can't confront him because he will lie.

 

I'm really upset. 3.5 years together, a house, etc. No kids at least. Advice please!!!

Edited June 23, 2019 by FLone37

[d0nnivain]

I would have to talk to my FI very seriously before I would continue to with the wedding. I don't know if I could continue knowing that I was 2nd choice.

 

I'm not gonna beat you up for snooping. When you hit paydirt it becomes the much lesser "sin" in the equation.

[Beendaredonedat]

If you saw that your fiance told someone he'd be with his ex if he could, would you be able to let it go and just hope she never comes back around again? Or would you break it off?

That would depend on how our relationship is in general, how he values me, and whether or not he was still in contact with her.

 

Your guy drinks heavily so that alone would be a deal breaker for me.

 

I wouldn't give two thoughts to the conversation he had with his friend. If push came to shove I bet there are a whole lot of people out there that would be with someone else if things went the right way.

 

Do you love him? Does he show you that he loves you?

 

BTW: His ex wife sounds like a real piece of jaded, busy body work. She needs to get over it and stay out of his relationships.

[FLone37]

That would depend on how our relationship is in general, how he values me, and whether or not he was still in contact with her.

 

Your guy drinks heavily so that alone would be a deal breaker for me.

 

I wouldn't give two thoughts to the conversation he had with his friend. If push came to shove I bet there are a whole lot of people out there that would be with someone else if things went the right way.

 

Do you love him? Does he show you that he loves you?

 

BTW: His ex wife sounds like a real piece of jaded, busy body work. She needs to get over it and stay out of his relationships.

 

There might be a lot of people who would be with someone else if they could, but there are also plenty who wouldn't even think of being with another. For me, he is all I want. Nobody from my past could take me from him. I can't stand that he would just up and leave me if she wanted him back. Being someone he is settling for isn't something I can do. This just sucks.

[basil67]

This is just one of four red flags which I'm seeing with him.

 

1. Drinks heavily

2. Bad temper

3. Takes no personal responsibility for being dumped due to cheating

4. Wants ex more than he wants you.

 

Is this really the type of guy you'd choose to marry? Have you been on the receiving end of his temper? If you marry, would you be bringing any children to live with you?

[Beendaredonedat]

There might be a lot of people who would be with someone else if they could, but there are also plenty who wouldn't even think of being with another. For me, he is all I want. Nobody from my past could take me from him. I can't stand that he would just up and leave me if she wanted him back. Being someone he is settling for isn't something I can do. This just sucks.

 

Do you think that maybe he meant that he would still be with her if his meddling ex wife hadn't caused all the trouble?

 

If you can't stand it that he would leave you if she wanted him back then your only recourse would be to break up with him.

 

Like I said, he is a drinker and he has a temper so maybe finding out what you did was the Universe looking out for you. (???)

[rightondude]

I don't excuse his behavior at all but it's possible he was just talking game and trying to sound like a player with one of the boys. What, verbatim, did he say in the text to his buddy if you remember exactly? "Yeah I'd still be hittin' it today if it weren't for my ex-wife gettin' in the way!"

 

Regardless he sounds like he's got more issues than just this text ... I wish you luck but you already seem to be willing to ignore multiple warning signs, why is this the one that sticks?

[kendahke]

If you saw that your fiance told someone he'd be with his ex if he could, would you be able to let it go and just hope she never comes back around again? Or would you break it off?

 

Break it off. I see no point in letting him mark time with me while he waits for his opportunity to get back with his ex.

 

You're not his #1 choice, no matter what he says to maintain his status quo. He told his boy the truth.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I can't confront him because he will lie.

 

For this reason alone I'd have to break up with him.

[FLone37]

This is just one of four red flags which I'm seeing with him.

 

1. Drinks heavily

2. Bad temper

3. Takes no personal responsibility for being dumped due to cheating

4. Wants ex more than he wants you.

 

Is this really the type of guy you'd choose to marry? Have you been on the receiving end of his temper? If you marry, would you be bringing any children to live with you?

 

Yes, we have had many terrible blow ups where my property has been damaged or destroyed due to his anger issues. He can't communicate like an adult and I get shut down immediately if I bring something up he doesn't want to discuss. If I try to push the issue or if I'm upset about anything, my things get broken. In fact, I'm picking up my car from the shop tomorrow. We argued a couple weeks ago and he deliberately damaged my hood. $600 to fix which I'm paying for. Last week he got angry and flung the dishrack full of dishes across the kitchen damaging my stainless steel refrigerator, and breaking several dishes. I could give a laundry list of things I've had to replace due to him losing his temper and doing damage. He got mad at me and broke his own phone a few nights ago and we had to pay 200 to get a new one. He has no control over his anger or drinking, but he blames me for it all. He admits to having anger issues, but he blames me for it. Things were better in terms of how they used to be.

 

I have no children and he has 2 adult children and a 14 year old who lives out of state with his ex wife. And the temper has always been an issue. His exes both dealt with it, but I think I've gotten the worst. The drinking has always been an issue as well. But again, I think I've gotten the worst.

[FLone37]

I don't excuse his behavior at all but it's possible he was just talking game and trying to sound like a player with one of the boys. What, verbatim, did he say in the text to his buddy if you remember exactly? "Yeah I'd still be hittin' it today if it weren't for my ex-wife gettin' in the way!"

 

Regardless he sounds like he's got more issues than just this text ... I wish you luck but you already seem to be willing to ignore multiple warning signs, why is this the one that sticks?

 

I guess I love too much and put up with too much. But being just someone he is settling for hurts in a worse way than dealing with his drinking and anger issues. I haven't ignored the warnings, I just tried to work through them out of love because I thought we could find our way out of the bad times. But we can't find our way out of his heart having another inside. It's the most terrible feeling knowing I could keep trying to make a life with a man who could leave at the drop of a hat.

[FLone37]

And I should mention that when he was with his ex-girlfriend he contacted me on Facebook. This was 2011 and they had been together about 5 years. He said he missed me from when we worked together back in 99-2000. He said he'd like to see me. She found out and contacted me. I had no idea he had a girlfriend. We set him up so that I'd talk to him with her listening and he talked so much crap about her. We both confronted him and I left the picture and they were together another 2 years until she found out he cheated. So it's not like he treated her great. Seems like he hasn't treated any of his exes very great.

[rightondude]

Yes, we have had many terrible blow ups where my property has been damaged or destroyed due to his anger issues. He can't communicate like an adult and I get shut down immediately if I bring something up he doesn't want to discuss. If I try to push the issue or if I'm upset about anything, my things get broken. In fact, I'm picking up my car from the shop tomorrow. We argued a couple weeks ago and he deliberately damaged my hood. $600 to fix which I'm paying for. Last week he got angry and flung the dishrack full of dishes across the kitchen damaging my stainless steel refrigerator, and breaking several dishes. I could give a laundry list of things I've had to replace due to him losing his temper and doing damage. He got mad at me and broke his own phone a few nights ago and we had to pay 200 to get a new one. He has no control over his anger or drinking, but he blames me for it all. He admits to having anger issues, but he blames me for it. Things were better in terms of how they used to be.

 

I have no children and he has 2 adult children and a 14 year old who lives out of state with his ex wife. And the temper has always been an issue. His exes both dealt with it, but I think I've gotten the worst. The drinking has always been an issue as well. But again, I think I've gotten the worst.

 

And I should mention that when he was with his ex-girlfriend he contacted me on Facebook. This was 2011 and they had been together about 5 years. He said he missed me from when we worked together back in 99-2000. He said he'd like to see me. She found out and contacted me. I had no idea he had a girlfriend. We set him up so that I'd talk to him with her listening and he talked so much crap about her. We both confronted him and I left the picture and they were together another 2 years until she found out he cheated. So it's not like he treated her great. Seems like he hasn't treated any of his exes very great.

 

hey mods you can delete this if you feel I quoted too much, but ...

 

... are you crazy? You're going to marry a guy who has done all of the above? Read this to yourself and if it was your friend walking down the aisle with this what would you tell them if they asked you for advice? And this isn't the distant past that you've moved on from (and believe me I am all against someone moving on and then bringing up something later that was supposedly super bad but not enough to end things at the time) ... this was just within the last two weeks!

Edited June 24, 2019 by rightondude

[frus69]

You want to marry a guy who lies and cheats? Okay....

[emeraldgreen]

His ex-wife sounds like a ****-stirring bitch, but it does seem like you're the second choice.

[ExpatInItaly]

You would be incredibly foolish to marry him.

 

Him telling someone else he'd be with his ex given the chance isn't even the biggest problem here. He is violent and destructive. He lies. He has a drinking problem.

 

What are you thinking, OP?

[Highndry]

Yes, we have had many terrible blow ups where my property has been damaged or destroyed due to his anger issues. He can't communicate like an adult and I get shut down immediately if I bring something up he doesn't want to discuss. If I try to push the issue or if I'm upset about anything, my things get broken. In fact, I'm picking up my car from the shop tomorrow. We argued a couple weeks ago and he deliberately damaged my hood. $600 to fix which I'm paying for. Last week he got angry and flung the dishrack full of dishes across the kitchen damaging my stainless steel refrigerator, and breaking several dishes. I could give a laundry list of things I've had to replace due to him losing his temper and doing damage. He got mad at me and broke his own phone a few nights ago and we had to pay 200 to get a new one. He has no control over his anger or drinking, but he blames me for it all.

 

 

Whoa, dump this guy immediately! He is deranged. What are you thinking?

[d0nnivain]

You aren't his 2nd choice: you are the fool who will put up with his violent temper. So far he damaged your car, your dishes, your refrigerator, & his phone. I count over $1000 right there. What happens when the next violent attack is your body?

 

Go to an Al-anon meeting. It's a group for people who love alcoholics. Really understand what you are dealing with & why you can't love him through this.

 

Do not marry him!

[Redhead14]

I find it frightening to see so many who are willing to compromise their lives and happiness in order to have a relationship, any relationship. It doesn't matter if the relationship is good or not. So many men and women tell themselves they are in love with a person who is a poor partner, at best, but the reality is they are in love with the idea of having a relationship and in love with the person they wish their partner would be . . .

[FMW]

As the others have said, you have had many reasons before this to leave him. I hope this is the one that pushes you to do that. You can't trust him, there's nothing more to consider unless you want to be miserable.

 

Sometimes we love people that are really bad for us and have to just move on, even if we still love them.

[FLone37]

Whoa, dump this guy immediately! He is deranged. What are you thinking?

 

You are right. I have no excuse for staying so long other than that I love him. I do plan to end it this week.

[FLone37]

You aren't his 2nd choice: you are the fool who will put up with his violent temper. So far he damaged your car, your dishes, your refrigerator, & his phone. I count over $1000 right there. What happens when the next violent attack is your body?

 

Go to an Al-anon meeting. It's a group for people who love alcoholics. Really understand what you are dealing with & why you can't love him through this.

 

Do not marry him!

 

The things I mentioned that have been damaged are just in the last month. There have been many more violent arguments in the last 3.5 years where things got damaged. Holes in walls, broken fans, broken pictures, mirrors, window blinds, etc...etc. I bought our house 2 years ago and have already had to replace or repair many brand new things.

 

Yes, I know I have been the fool who has put up with a lot of crap from him. But I also feel that I should know when he is at the point where he needs to be left alone. I do feel sometimes its my fault. Maybe you are right, and Al-Anon could help me with those feelings.

[FLone37]

I find it frightening to see so many who are willing to compromise their lives and happiness in order to have a relationship, any relationship. It doesn't matter if the relationship is good or not. So many men and women tell themselves they are in love with a person who is a poor partner, at best, but the reality is they are in love with the idea of having a relationship and in love with the person they wish their partner would be . . .

 

That's probably true. I wish for him to be what I want/need in a partner. And he sometimes is that person, which is what has kept me in it.

[FLone37]

As the others have said, you have had many reasons before this to leave him. I hope this is the one that pushes you to do that. You can't trust him, there's nothing more to consider unless you want to be miserable.

 

Sometimes we love people that are really bad for us and have to just move on, even if we still love them.

 

You are right. I can't ever trust him, and to be honest I'm not sure I ever really did. Its so hard to walk away for good. I've tried many times. But I know every day with him is another day wasted.

[Redhead14]

You are right. I can't ever trust him, and to be honest I'm not sure I ever really did. Its so hard to walk away for good. I've tried many times. But I know every day with him is another day wasted.

 

You know what's worse than wasting 7.5 months with this guy? -- wasting 7.5 months plus 1 day. End it now or you will be looking back on years of unhappiness.

 

And, if you want children, is this the role model and relationship model you want to give give them?