Separated Man Finally Divorced and after 6 months, trying to go back to his wife

[SunnyGirl1984]

Hello,this is my first post and I'm not sure which of the forums is the best place for this. Separation? Second Chances? General Relationship? I just took a shot at it! This will be long, but I want to be thorough.

 

 

I was in a LT marriage and separated "in house" for almost a year (LT as in 20 years). In the midst of all of that, I became close with someone I had been friends with for several years who I saw at a professional conference after not having seen him for years. We reconnected and I learned he also had been going through a lengthy separation (he had been married 25 years and at that point separated for about six months). It had always been platonic in years past whenever I would see him occasionally in a business setting, and I would never have imagined having anything more than that with him. He isn't usually my "type" and he isn't like overtly physically attractive, though he kind of grew on me. We live long distance so it isn't like I could really see him routinely, but it got to where we talked weekly, then every couple of days, and then daily. It got serious. To the point where we both thought we were "in love". We both talked about our struggles and really "got" each other. He gave me every reason to believe that once his divorce was final, that we would be together. That went on for about a year. About month 14, his divorce was final, and he had already been moved out for about 6 months at that point. I helped him through ALL of it - let him cry the day it was final at the courthouse, helped him stock his new place with necessities, listened to his struggles he had letting go of the 'good' parts of his marriage, you name it, I was there for him for almost an entire year. In the background, I had my own 'stuff' going on. He let me talk about it, and also talked about other 'fun' things like normal couples would do. No progress towards divorce on my end as I was trying to figure out if I really wanted to take that leap "at my age". I had been battling that for about 3 years before he came into the picture. While we had been struggling for years, reconnecting with this guy made me think if he really divorced, then so would I. So - I made plans to go through with filing, and reached out to him. He had already been acting "odd" once his D was finally official - sort of stand-off'ish, but I thought it was just me. He said he needed time to process the finality of the D and asked if I could give him space. I gave him space, but when I got ready to move out, I reached out to him in great despair because I was so torn up about a lot of things with the D, and his response was to reach out to my good friends. I was crushed. I waited two weeks and reached out again, and told him I really needed some support and could we please talk. He again said that I should reach out to friends, he was too "confused" and couldn't talk to me. I find out later - long story how - that he is connecting with random women online and in local bars and restaurants. He says he wasn't ready for a relationship or to even date, but yet I was able to find out through a friend about his online pursuits which left me really wondering what was going on. THEN, I finally reached out to him just to see what was going on with him - and he says he is working towards going back with his wife. After going through two years of trying to get D! I just don't get it.

 

 

 

What I am trying to come to terms with is the following:

 

 

What made him "snap" the moment the papers were official with his D when he had said all along that he wanted us to see if we would work out as a real couple when we were both legitimately free to do so? I was SO there for him and then when I needed support desperately, POOF, he was gone.

 

 

 

Why would he say he didn't want a R or even to date, only to "friend" women on social media and constantly be liking and commenting on their posts? Is doing that really meaningless? Would it be appropriate in a real relationship or do I make too much out of liking and commenting on other women's social media?

 

 

Why after ALL of that, does he want to go back to his wife after he is already divorced?

 

 

 

 

 

I know there are some red flags here. I guess I feel really stupid now. He made me really think there was something there, we just needed to get to a place in time where we both could see if a "real" relationship would work. I felt emotionally safe with him, NEVER imagining him shattering my heart. I couldn't take the loss of that AND the turmoil of D and relented and moved back home to an alcoholic husband. Which I still am suffering with all that entails - back to square 1 and probably will eventually D anyways - I just couldn't go through that and losing this other R at the same time. I feel awful.

[Beendaredonedat]

I'm sorry you're hurting but it looks like you were a rebound and now that he's free to be a roaming single man, he's roaming. (Somehow I don't believe he's wanting back with the wife and is just telling you that to have an excuse).

 

I think you would do well to get yourself into some al-anon meetings and personal therapy to help you with your codependency issues. You would appear to have them if you cancelled a divorce from a man you do not love just because you no longer have another man to be with. Why not leave and figure out how to be happy as a single and do some dating yourself once you are single and divorce final?

 

Once you are actually single (not just separated but really not because you're still living together) you will pick more wisely. You were not free to be with him and he wasn't free to be with you and neither of you had processed the end of your long term marriages.

 

I hope you feel better soon and you learn to realize that the experience, if nothing else, has taught you that you need to end your marriage (really end it) so that you can date men that are actually free as well.

 

Be well...

[Mr. Lucky]

I couldn't take the loss of that AND the turmoil of D and relented and moved back home to an alcoholic husband.

 

Like many posters in similar situations, you're mixing two things having very little overlap -

 

- the state of your marriage

- your life after you sort that out

 

You're in a 20-yr marriage with an alcoholic that has become so negative you've "separated in-house". Don't know what you've done to address that, but it's clearly inappropriate - and unproductive - to get involved with someone else while that's still hanging.

 

You cite your OM for a lack of commitment since he seems to have easily transitioned to OLD. And yet you simply went back to your husband, seems you also had a back-up plan in place.

 

Transitioning from a 20-yr marriage is messy, time consuming and disruptive. It would be best to focus on cleanly terminating that relationship before you test drive another one.

 

Welcome to LoveShack...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Unfortunately, you learned an important life lesson the hard way - separated and newly divorced men make poor boyfriends.

 

I know this because I have had a similar experience. The difference here is that you failed to maintain healthy boundaries. The same codependent behavior that allows you to stay with an alcoholic husband also allowed you to take this man’s problems on as your own... You clearly became way too involved with this man when really, you should have told him to give you a call when he has his life together...

 

Going back to a bad marriage with an alcoholic husband doesn’t seem like a good decision to me. I hope you find the strength somehow to chose a better path for yourself...

[elaine567]

You are what some call the "bridge". It is a bit like a rebound, but the bridge tends to have a desire to "save" the "hurting person, so will go the extra mile for them. The bridge fills the gap, for the separating/divorcing man, between marriage and true singledom.

As the bridge you become his support system, you ease his path.

You do it as he is "worth it", you believe once sorted out he will make a great partner for you...

 

He laps up the attention, he loves the affection and love, but far from falling under your spell and being grateful for the help. He starts feeling better, he starts to get back to his old self, he starts to become more independent of you, he may even start to resent you.

Whilst you are gearing up for love ever after, he is looking around for other options and in your case he also decided he wanted to get his wife back...

 

NEVER date newly divorced/separated/divorcing men, they are so mixed up, they are capable of anything.

For anyone wanting a real and lasting relationship, they are a complete waste of time, sooner of later they will let you down with a thud.

[d0nnivain]

You are trying to monkey branch & you can't.

 

If your marriage isn't working get a divorce. Don't wait around until you have a new relationship (safe place to land) before you act to address what is wrong in your life. The idea that you aren't fully committed to your divorce because this fling as you call him isn't there waiting for you is ridiculous.

 

You were a sweet person to support him. You have now learned that he's not as good of a friend to you as you were to him. You also know that he doesn't want anything serious right now. As colleagues he knows you are not one to trifle with so he's getting his kicks elsewhere rather then with you.

[BaileyB]

You are trying to monkey branch & you can't.

 

If your marriage isn't working get a divorce. Don't wait around until you have a new relationship (safe place to land) before you act to address what is wrong in your life. The idea that you aren't fully committed to your divorce because this fling as you call him isn't there waiting for you is ridiculous.

 

I agree.

 

OP, clearly your picker is off. Best to deal with your marriage, get yourself some counselling and learn how to support yourself... then, you will be in a better position to attract a healthy partner.

[Mr. Lucky]

Unfortunately, you learned an important life lesson the hard way - separated and newly divorced men make poor boyfriends.

 

Given the OP's role in this whole thing, do separated and newly divorced women make equally poor GF's?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SunnyGirl1984]

Well, I am afraid to leave the marriage because I feel like I am TOO OLD to find someone else, an I really don't want to be by myself. Some people do great with it, but I am not cut out that way. I enjoy and appreciate companionship. Without saying my age, I will say it is older than 45. I should be focusing on winding down or at least starting to enjoy life after being in the fast lane with work and kids for so long - NOT starting over. I know it would be a huge set back to leave, yet my mental health is suffering the more I stay. I know it isn't the healthiest thing - but it's me. I try my best.

 

I do feel so DUPED by this guy. Wondering now if I ever did get the courage to leave my bad marriage if I would ever even trust someone again. I truly thought there was something there with him, he gave every indication there was, right up until the week his papers were SIGNED. That's what blows me away. WHY was that the sudden trigger?? It just makes no sense. I am trying to make sense of it.

[SunnyGirl1984]

There has been some abuse that went along with the alcoholism. I think somehow that has 'messed up' my thinking - in every other area of my life I seem to be pretty on top of it. I did find a counselor and am going in three weeks. I think I do need some help. But yes, I know how dysfunctional it all seems - because it is. I feel very torn about ALL of it. I thought if I can sort through my feelings about how and why I got duped by this guy, I can pick up and move on with straightening out my life - which should have been straightened out FIRST, I know.

 

 

 

 

You cite your OM for a lack of commitment since he seems to have easily transitioned to OLD. And yet you simply went back to your husband, seems you also had a back-up plan in place.

 

Transitioning from a 20-yr marriage is messy, time consuming and disruptive. It would be best to focus on cleanly terminating that relationship before you test drive another one.

 

Welcome to LoveShack...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

You are looking for a crutch but he wasn't strong enough for you to lean on. If you are not ready to leave because you are afraid to be along, get some therapy so you become strong enough to stand on your own 2 feet but do not cheat. No matter how much you may not be in love with your husband any more, cheating is not right.

[SunnyGirl1984]

Agreed - I need to be able to stand alone an need to go into any new relationship as a legitimate relationship, not something involving cheating. Completely agree! Was this other guy wrong for using ME as a crutch? Seems like I helped him just fine as he made it to "the other side" and is now happy and thriving from all I can tell (not sitting around depressed or waiting for life to come to him OR remaining stuck in a bad marriage). Why couldn't he have done the same thing for me? I really needed that support.

 

 

 

You are looking for a crutch but he wasn't strong enough for you to lean on. If you are not ready to leave because you are afraid to be along, get some therapy so you become strong enough to stand on your own 2 feet but do not cheat. No matter how much you may not be in love with your husband any more, cheating is not right.

[FMW]

I'm 54. I divorced after 23 years, it's been final for 3 now.

 

Just prior to initiating my divorce I got involved with someone else who was separated from his wife of 25 years and ended up buying myself a whole lot more trouble and heartache than I already had.

 

Neither you nor this guy are in any position to be forming a healthy relationship with anyone else. It's unreasonable to think you can slide right into a good relationship without cleanly breaking from the one you're already in first.

 

A guy willing to become involved with a married woman who won't leave her marriage unless it's with a guarantee to be with him is one with plenty of red flags waving. His behavior isn't surprising.

[SunnyGirl1984]

What do you mean? Please do explain.

 

Your situation is encouraging to me. I feel like at my age it's just too late to start over. How have things been since you left? Had your marriage been bad for a while?

 

 

I'm 54. I divorced after 23 years, it's been final for 3 now.

 

 

A guy willing to become involved with a married woman who won't leave her marriage unless it's with a guarantee to be with him is one with plenty of red flags waving. His behavior isn't surprising.

[d0nnivain]

Was this other guy wrong for using ME as a crutch? * * * Why couldn't he have done the same thing for me? I really needed that support.

 

Sometimes we are better friends to people then they are to us.

 

You offered support & he took it. Unfortunately he couldn't return the favor. that sucks but it's not uncommon.

 

I was dating a guy & we lived together for almost 10 years. Around year 4 his mother got diagnosed with cancer & I was there for him. She died in year 5. I even picked out the dress his mom was buried in because my BF & his father couldn't do it. About 2 years later my mother was in the hospital for emergency surgery. I begged him in tears to come sit with me in the waiting room during her surgery because I was all alone & there was a good chance she wasn't going to make it. He said he was too busy. I threatened him & he reluctantly showed up. I had moved out for work in 2000 but we were still dating. On 9/11 he couldn't be bothered to comfort me even as we both waited for word about friends & family in & around the Towers & in the Pentagon. At that point I had to face the fact that he would never be able to emotionally support me. We broke up shortly thereafter.

 

As for you age & it being too late to start over, what about widows who have no choice? Every day is a new beginning.

[SunnyGirl1984]

OMG, Donnivain - that is awful. That guy did that to you TWICE like that?!? And both in such dire circumstances. How do people just DO that?!? I will never understand. I just never expected it with this guy, up until then, he had been so over-the-top a nice guy from the get go. NEVER would have seen it coming, it was like a switch flipped with him. Which is what makes it so odd. I wonder, too if the theory of "true colors" applies - you know, over time, people show their true colors? It has been just over a year, so maybe the 'real' him finally came out. It just makes no sense and until I get some peace about it all, my brain is going to drive me crazy. I cannot believe somebody did what you described - talk about heartless. I am glad you broke up with him! Was it still hard, even after what he did? Or was it easy? Maybe getting mad is what I need to be able to let it go - remembering just how awful it was that he did that to me.

 

 

 

Sometimes we are better friends to people then they are to us.

 

You offered support & he took it. Unfortunately he couldn't return the favor. that sucks but it's not uncommon.

 

I was dating a guy & we lived together for almost 10 years. Around year 4 his mother got diagnosed with cancer & I was there for him. She died in year 5. I even picked out the dress his mom was buried in because my BF & his father couldn't do it. About 2 years later my mother was in the hospital for emergency surgery. I begged him in tears to come sit with me in the waiting room during her surgery because I was all alone & there was a good chance she wasn't going to make it. He said he was too busy. I threatened him & he reluctantly showed up. I had moved out for work in 2000 but we were still dating. On 9/11 he couldn't be bothered to comfort me even as we both waited for word about friends & family in & around the Towers & in the Pentagon. At that point I had to face the fact that he would never be able to emotionally support me. We broke up shortly thereafter.

 

As for you age & it being too late to start over, what about widows who have no choice? Every day is a new beginning.

[FMW]

My marriage had been pretty dead for at least 10 years. It probably only lasted as long as it did because my xH traveled extensively for work and so we weren't together that much for the last half of our marriage. That also made it easy for him to be be unfaithful.

 

I wasn't afraid of being alone, but I didn't want to be divorced, I guess I found it embarrassing to have such a public failure in my life. I discussed things with my xH about 6 months prior to asking for the divorce, telling him I could never "be" with him again knowing of his multiple infidelities, but maybe we could remain married and just function as partners, without having to upset the financial and family security of a long marriage. I would just turn a blind eye to his infidelity as long as it wasn't in my face (or costing me money). But when I met the separated guy and felt such a strong attraction I realized I was still alive and vital (I had thought I didn't have it in my any more) and I wanted to have a chance to be free to pursue a life that made me happy (not necessarily with that guy, since he didn't show any signs of being free any time soon).

 

I've never regretted the divorce for even a second, it was amazing to be free of all the unhappiness and burdens a bad marriage caused. I have become involved in many new hobbies and made many new friends. I love being single. As far as dating, I get asked out regularly (I live in a large city, so that makes a difference I'm sure) and have no complaints about the level of attention I get from men. I'm very hesitant about getting involved with anyone right now though - probably mostly because of my experience with the separated man.

 

My reference to the red flags with your guy was simply that he probably saw you as a safe bet to get the care and attention he wanted without having to give much in return - because you had a husband and wouldn't be divorcing unless he (the other guy) gave you reason - which he wasn't going to do. Your marriage was a built-in safety valve for him.

 

I very much encourage you to just focus on yourself on your marriage for a while and see that you need to do something about it. Any relationship you try to have while still in your marriage is going to be doomed. Because of your unhappiness with your marriage you probably overlooked a lot of things about the other guy that you wouldn't have liked long term anyway. You need to have a clear head (and marital status) before getting into a new relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Was it still hard, even after what he did? Or was it easy? Maybe getting mad is what I need to be able to let it go - remembering just how awful it was that he did that to me.

 

Yes it was still hard. I thought he was The One. We had such amazing chemistry. There were some very good things about that relationship & there were some bad things. I gave him my 20s / child bearing years. There were worse things; I was practically shunned at his mom's funeral until his dad came & brought me to sit with the family. But I was young, dumb & in love. I kept hoping that if I modeled good caring behavior for him he'd be able to provide it to me. No such luck.

 

In the end as much as my heart wanted to continue my head knew this relationship was killing me. I would be suicidal every time we got a wedding invitation. It was awful. So intellectually I knew it had to end. When I felt weak I reminded myself of all the good reasons he was bad for me. Still about a year later when I learned his father was dying I reached out again & offered to help. He shocked me by picking up & talking to me. he sobbed that he never understood how much I had done for him & his family until then because now he was dealing with all the doctors & coordinating everything. When his father died, I asked for guidance about attending the funeral. His brother told me to stay away so I did.

 

It worked out for the best. I met & married my husband who is an amazing guy.

 

Don't settle but don't cheat. Your husband doesn't deserve to be cheated on.

[SunnyGirl1984]

My marriage had been pretty dead for at least 10 years. It probably only lasted as long as it did because my xH traveled extensively for work and so we weren't together that much for the last half of our marriage. That also made it easy for him to be be unfaithful.

 

I wasn't afraid of being alone, but I didn't want to be divorced, I guess I found it embarrassing to have such a public failure in my life. I discussed things with my xH about 6 months prior to asking for the divorce, telling him I could never "be" with him again knowing of his multiple infidelities, but maybe we could remain married and just function as partners, without having to upset the financial and family security of a long marriage. I would just turn a blind eye to his infidelity as long as it wasn't in my face (or costing me money). But when I met the separated guy and felt such a strong attraction I realized I was still alive and vital (I had thought I didn't have it in my any more) and I wanted to have a chance to be free to pursue a life that made me happy (not necessarily with that guy, since he didn't show any signs of being free any time soon).

Wow, you sound sooo much like me! Because of his bad behavior (alcohol makes him MEAN - so not "just" the alcohol, but all of the behavior that goes with it). I am also afraid of being divorced. I am close to your age and have accumulated joint friendships, a home, and all that goes with a LT marriage. And have one teenager at home. It's hard to disrupt all of that. Like you, I had told myself for years that I could just live with it and accept it as a stable relationship and home life even if it isn't what a 'normal' relationship would be like. We have not been intimate in years, HE was the one that lost interest. BUT - along comes the separated guy, and I felt just like you did. So what was the tipping point for you? Just knowing how you felt when you met the one person? I have found that it has thrown me the other direction - even though I saw quickly that I could still have a spark with someone and there was someone who treated me very well (before he fell apart at the end), the way it ended has made me fear leaving even more - afraid of the dating world and encountering people who will do what he did and even worse. How can I get past that? Also, how did it end with the separated man and you? From your post it's clear that it did, but how? Your post is encouraging to me.

Edited June 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[FMW]

I'm glad my posts help you

 

I have a thread here that tells all about my embarrassing and pathetic experience with the separated man. After 2 years his wife moved back in with him, although according to him they were just roommates as she could no longer afford to live separately. She's Catholic and doesn't want to divorce, he has cancer that will be terminal within a few years and is covered by the insurance he has through her work. So for those and whatever other reasons, they remain married.

 

Last year, three years into our relationship (yes, I was stupid and kept seeing him after she moved back in with him), he ghosted me and I found out it was to be with ANOTHER woman. While he remains married.

 

So that's a really good cautionary tale for you to NOT get involved with someone unless they and you have no existing ties to another mate. If you read here you'll see nothing but heartache comes from it.

Edited June 24, 2019 by Finding my way

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, I am afraid to leave the marriage because I feel like I am TOO OLD to find someone else, an I really don't want to be by myself.

 

Your counselor will help you understand that, married to an abusive alcoholic, you're already "alone", just haven't accepted it yet.

 

What are the emotionally healthy steps that will make you happy? Staying as is won't do it. Depending on someone else like your friend didn't work. That's really what you need to ask yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Very common for people in bad relationships to think they are too old, but most who stay, think what the hell was I thinking????

Now I am 5-10-20... years older and nothing has changed... still miserable... what a waste...

[SunnyGirl1984]

YES - I totally get what you are saying, Mr. Lucky. I really am, just hard to admit it. I keep waiting on him to get help. And waiting. And waiting. That glimmer of hope is in there.

 

 

 

What in the world could I do to make me happy? You are absolutely right - HE isn't it, the other "distraction" wasn't it either. I honestly don't know - what emotionally do I need to make myself happy? Is this something a counselor can really help with if I really don't know myself? I know counselors are supposed to help YOU draw stuff out, not tell you what to do or solve problems for you. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to even KNOW how to make myself happy. And staying with him for basically the last 5+ years of things being BAD, I know I will look really pathetic. But that won't be the reason I don't go - and I am going - just wondering if they can even help me since I don't think even I know what my needs are emotionally.

 

 

 

Your counselor will help you understand that, married to an abusive alcoholic, you're already "alone", just haven't accepted it yet.

 

What are the emotionally healthy steps that will make you happy? Staying as is won't do it. Depending on someone else like your friend didn't work. That's really what you need to ask yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SunnyGirl1984]

Elaine, YES - that makes sense. Who knows, maybe I will be saying the opposite one day - "what took me so long?" I would hope................it's scary.

[d0nnivain]

To make yourself happier, look at your interests then indulge in them. Garden, spend time with your friends, volunteer somewhere, take up a new hobby. What you do isn't as important as you do something! As you start to again accomplish things & remember that you are a whole person, separate from being somebody's wife & somebody's mother, you may get motivated to make changes. Who knows your husband may wake up & remember what a great person you are & take steps to rekindle your marriage but then again if he's lost in the bottom of a bottle, that is unlikely.