Invited to the bachelorette but not the wedding?

[Mx12345]

I have an old friend who I met 10 years ago when we worked together. We got along really well and became friends outside of work. About 3 years into our friendship we had a falling out. She had been flaky our entire friendship, very late to outings, says she’s going to do something then doesn’t, etc. we had a falling out at that time because she made plans to meet me then never showed up! I called and texted and nothing. A few hours later she texted apologizing saying she fell asleep.

 

I was furious and didn’t forgive her because after all the other times of her flaking, it was my final straw. One year later though she lost her job and ended a serious relationship around the same time. She called wanting to talk, and we became friends again. Four years ago, she and I were inseparable. We were both single and lived only five minutes from each other. We we go out or hang out a few times a week. Things were like this for about a year. A couple things happen though that caused me to rethink the friendship again. She had always been a little bit chubby, but I thought she was gorgeous. During our year of always being together she started working out with me (I’ve always been into working out) and eating healthier.

 

She lost a lot of weight and looked amazing. During this time though she would make comments towards me that were upsetting. Things like “now that I’m skinny, you’re going to know what it feels like to be the ugly friend lol.” Or when we would be getting ready to go out say “you’re going to have to wear something better than that if you want guys to talk to you and not me.” I remember at the time telling my sister now that she was skinny she was turning into a complete bitch! Then I had dated this guy for three months and after asking him if the relationship was going to turn into boyfriend/girlfriend he started slowly fading me and saying everything wasn’t ready yet. *eye roll* I had introduced him and her twice. And after him and I ended things I saw they had added each other on Facebook.

 

One day she texts me a screenshot of a FB message he had sent her. He told her he found her interesting and did she want to go out sometime. She responded, “I’m flattered, but I’m sure that would be awkward for (my name).” Then text me saying “can you believe this guy?” But instead I thought “I can’t believe you!” Was the guy a jerk? Yes. But the fact that she was flattered he asked her out and only said no because it would be awkward for me was terrible. If the roles were reversed I would have told him off! Her and I had already planned a vacation together during this and we were leaving just a month later. The vacation was a disaster. She would try to talk over me all the time and question everything I said whether it was directions, or where we were going next or a restaurant. The vacation was exhausting. Also every night we got back to the hotel I would brush my teeth, floss, and wash my face/wash off my makeup before bed and she would just go straight to bed. She told people when we returned that I was high maintenance and had to do my beauty routine every night that kept her up. She told mutual friends when we returned really horrible things about me that were an exaggeration (the beauty routine) or just completely not true. One morning I went down to get coffee without her because I’m introverted by nature and after four days with her I just needed 15 minutes to myself. She told people that I constantly left her to go have breakfast by myself. The vacation was a nail in the coffin for our friendship.

 

So, other than a social media like here and there, we have not spoken in two and a half years. During this time she’s gotten engaged. She has sent out wedding invitations I know because a mutual friend got one about a month ago and told me. It slightly stung to know I wasnt invited to her wedding but at the same time I remember how obnoxious she would act when she got skinny and how mean she was on the vacation and then I think I probably wouldn’t want to go anyway.

 

Yesterday I got an invite via Facebook to her bachelorette party. Part of me thinks she may be extending an olive branch with the invite. But then why not invite me to the wedding? Also while I don’t know how many people are invited to her wedding, the mutual friend who did get invited, rarely if ever talks to her anymore. So it’s not like it’s family and close friends only. Could she be only inviting me to have more people at the bachelorette party? Is it normal to invite someone to the bachelorette party and not the wedding? I’m leaning towards not going but wanted some insight.

Edited June 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ridgerunner1965]

Jeez do Yu need to be hit over the head with her bitch stick.? Cut ties with this crazy drama queen.

[d0nnivain]

She's showing off, trying to rub it in your face that she's getting married. Since you weren't invited to the wedding & you were only invited to the bachelorette party via FB you have no obligation to attend.

[Foxhall]

Perhaps I take a naive view, but maybe she will invite you to the wedding yet,

she first wants to test the water with you at this party,

 

 

While friends can fall out and have little differences from time to time, I always believe it is better not to hold grudges and to extend the olive branch,

 

hope that the two of you can work things out.

[ChatroomHero]

She may invite you yet and probably is trying to extend an olive branch but not because she feels bad for how she acts, she probably thinks she is doing you a favor and being the "bigger person" for inviting you.

 

 

If you are friends with someone like this, toxic really, the only way it can ever work is if you are alpha and hold the upper hand. Meaning, you call her on her BS and you dictate the relationship. When that happens, basically you get sick of her sh*t and call timeout on your terms. You will eventually train her as to what you will let her get away with.

 

 

With this type of friend, you'll have your on an off times but not really be offended with her behavior as much because you'll be in control of the relationship and you'll put up with whatever she does, no big deal, until you reach your line in the sand and call timeout.

 

 

The issue is if you are not alpha and get hurt by how she acts, it won't work very well. You'll always expect her to act better, but she never will for a long period. You'll expect her to see the error in her ways, but she will always view things as your fault so you'll never get that satisfaction. It doesn't sound like you are alpha in the relationship and it will probably be a strain to spend a lot of friend time with her. You'll probably take her insults to hard and also mistake her comments for insults when they are not.

 

 

My advice, you have some basis of friendship. It may or may not get better but it will probably always be there. So for important events, go to them and don't miss. It might be initially awkward for a few minutes, she might act like a b*tch to you all night, but go. Just take it and let it roll off your back if it happens. Go to the important events up until you decide you want to cut her out of your life for sure.

 

 

Her comments as you state them show some sort of resentment towards you. If you are more attractive and pulled more interest, she may have sat there for years, every time you guys went out, watching guys ignore her to hit on you. She may have taken it as an insult to her out of her own jealousy and now she is in a position in her mind to get even. Id's say if you want to keep some kind of friendship, keep it on your terms and realize her insults and bad mouthing you probably come from past jealousy and she probably won't change much.

[d0nnivain]

Perhaps I take a naive view, but maybe she will invite you to the wedding yet,

she first wants to test the water with you at this party,.

 

Bachelorette parties are usually DAYS before a wedding. Etiquette specifies that wedding invitations are to be sent 6-8 WEEKS before the wedding. Bless your optimism but I think you are being naïve about the bride's motives.

[amaysngrace]

My kids just got married and both the bachelor and bachelorette parties were before the invitations went out.

 

Do you know for sure that the invitations were sent?

[Mx12345]

I know for sure the wedding invites went out, because another friend got one and this was a few months ago. Her bachelorette is one month from now and the wedding is two months from now.

 

I just saw on the facebook group that I was added to by her maid of honor, its a weekend long bachelorette party, and the maid of honor wants girls to hurry up and RSVP so she can book everything then tell us how much its going to cost per person. Um...no. It was only even a consideration when I thought it was a get together or dinner one Saturday night. Now I have to pay out of pocket for her bachelorette party and don't even get to enjoy the open bar at the wedding.

[basil67]

AH, so it was the maid of honour who invited you. If you weren't on the bride's list, don't bother.

[TashaC]

I just saw on the facebook group that I was added to by her maid of honor, its a weekend long bachelorette party, and the maid of honor wants girls to hurry up and RSVP so she can book everything then tell us how much its going to cost per person. Um...no. It was only even a consideration when I thought it was a get together or dinner one Saturday night. Now I have to pay out of pocket for her bachelorette party and don't even get to enjoy the open bar at the wedding.

 

Shouldn't she be telling everybody what it's going to cost before she books it? I'd RSVP and say "sorry, I'd love to have gone - but I've been invited to a friend's wedding that weekend."

[PegNosePete]

She sounds incredibly selfish. You've given her chance after chance and every time she treats you like dirt. Even if it is an "olive branch" do you really want to give her yet another chance?

 

If it were me I would simply say sorry I can't attend, then unfriend her and get on with my life. She is a selfish person who builds herself up by putting those around her down. She's demonstrated the same character over and over in what you describe in the OP. With "friends" like that, who needs enemies??

[clia]

Is it possible the maid of honor doesn't realize you two had a falling out?

 

At any rate, no, don't go. I think it would be pretty crazy to go to a bachelorette party if you aren't even invited to a wedding. The bachelorette party is usually reserved for the bride's close friends, who would obviously all be invited.