Paying everything for girlfriend and her family

[Fighton12]

Hello everyone. I have a few burning questions with regards to what i'm facing in the relationship. So some brief background. I met this girl on a dating app (CMB) and we hanged out as friends for about a year, before actually moving onto gf and bf. We've dated each other for 1.5 years now. I have a stable job and my family isn't too shabby at all. At least, we're living our lives without any issues.

 

My girlfriend earns less than me, so I don't mind paying for her. Throughout the dating period, i paid for almost everything, from food, movies, gifts...etc, anything you can probably think of. Sometimes, occasionally, she does pick the tab for me, and it's a nice gesture for sure. I mean, I think it's fair game that I should be contributing more in terms of money since I'm the more capable one. My girlfriend values me a lot and she's quite concerned with how her parents view me, so early on in the relationship, she has been trying to let me get close to them. She's the only daughter, so a family of three it is. Most of the time, we hung out like every once in a while, the four of us. We would have lunch/dinner, and then movie at the cinemas afterwards. In between when we're waiting, we may actually do a bit of walking around and window shopping, looking at latest products, trends...etc.

 

Here's the thing though. I don't have enough relationship experience so this is bothering me. I literally paid for almost 98% of stuff, while her parents treated me like say, 2 times ? And it's not like the things we eat are cheap either. I can afford it but it's really going to put a lot of stress on me. I paid for almost all dinner, all movie tickets (Imax, 3d...you name it) and gifts. We only go for imax for the blockbuster movies, but that's not the point. I'm happy to treat them as my family since I love my gf so much, so in the beginning of the first few treats, I honestly didn't mind. And i thought this was how it works, me treating my gf and her family like really precious. Here's a catch though. My gf's family is rich. Like her mum is a successful business woman, father...not so much but still okay, so money isn't a concern for her despite how much she earns. Previously I did open up to my gf and ask her like: why is it that everytime I'm the one treating ? i really treated them so well. I come from an Asian country so in terms of USD, the amount we're spending on each dinner would be approximately USD $200-300 at least, which is a lot. We actually argued about this before, since she kept saying: we're not eating with my family that often, probably once or twice a month, what's so hard asking you to pay that amount monthly ?' She said the reason why they think it's better for us young ones to treat the elders is that, her mum feels that as an elder, it would be very satisfying and happy to see the younger ones working now, and capable of treating them well now. I sort of understand this theory, but I'm already treating their daughter so much, and now I have to treat her parents as well, like almost every single time ! I honestly don't mind treating on special occasions like birthdays, mother's day...etc, but i'm literally treating very very often. My girlfriend never got the point and kept asking me: is this about money ? is there a concern about money ? It's the only reason why you wouldn't want to treat my parents.' I didn't really argue with her on this aspect, seeing how futile it was, and soon we just forgot it and let it go.

 

A second thing. My girlfriend loves jewelery and bags, clothes, fashionable stuff from famous brands like hermes, chanel, you name it. They would love to go window shopping and see what's the latest trends, what's in season...etc. The very weird thing is, they would just look, and when they find something really nice for my gf, the parents wouldnt buy anything. Instead, my gf would send me pics about a specific clothes, bag she likes, and asks for my opinion. I would say it looks great, to which she responds: Good ! mum thinks it looks good too, and so do i !!! So i'll leave this to you then !' What she meant by that is: I'll leave it to you to buy it for me then. You guys would know how much these famous brands cost...and these are extra stressors financially. Once again, I do buy these gifts for her, but it feels like it's getting out of hand when they're expecting me to buy these like even on normal days.

 

A third thing. Recently, a month ago it was mother's day. So it's well assumed that I would be paying for lunch. No biggie, she's the boss that day. But we needed flowers, so 1 week ago, she asked her mum what she wanted and we went looking for pretty roses. There's something else though. They wanted a vase too so they could put beautiful flowers inside the beautiful vase for photo taking. Okay. Knowing, them, a beautiful vase definitely means something that isn't cheap. And so my gf and I went around shops and managed to stumble upon this italian brand vase shop. We took a few photos, and then she went home and asked her mum about it. Anyway, the week before mother's day, I had to work during the weekend, and so they went out and enjoyed themselves. They went to that italian vase shop, and sat down quite a while to look at all sorts of vases. Finally they made a decision, and which I got a text telling me: Let's get this sorted out by tomorrow ! I understood immediately. They didn't buy the vase, and i will be buying it tomorrow.

 

So the next day, we both went to the shop after work. Now some further background info. My gf and her family wants to have 'face' a lot. What this means is, they value and care much about how people view them, in everything, even in all unnecessary small things that most people would normally consider. So with that in mind, I figured it maybe a better idea for my gf to pay for the vase since the 3 of them went here yesterday. The sales would recognize her, and it would be lovely on her overall since the sales would think: what a lovely daughter. Buying a gift for her mum..etc' Plus, her credit card has an added discount, so it would be wise to use hers. Mind you, they care about discounts and values as much as we less rich people do. So it seems sensible that she's paying for it. Now, everything seems well, but as soon as we left the shop, i already felt something is wrong with her, she's getting moody, but she wouldnt tell me what's wrong. So as soon as we both reached home, she called me at night (we have night talks daily), and she lashed out at me. She told her mum what happened, and even she is disappointed. She said her mum was expecting me to buy her this beautiful vase, and she would put this vase in the middle of their dining table, since she values me a lot. I told her I would be buying the roses (which is quite expensive either) and paying for lunch, so why can't she handle the vase ? My gf said: the vase and flowers are considered as one entity, so it feels that you should be buying both to make it feel more complete. And then, she said her mum also feels that its very embarrassing to them since they went to that vase shop and spent so much time there. I began asking: what's so embarrassing ? what the hell ? How did i embarrass them ? My girlfriend said: If they wanted to buy it, they would have bought it on the spot already. Instead, they wanted to let me have a go at it, thats why they felt it's very ugly on their image. Honestly, I don't even understand where this logic comes from. She began crying saying I let them down and bullying them. What...? but eventually, she calmed down. I told her my original intention of her paying so that she looks good in front of the sales. Eventually, she agreed with my decision. But this happened. She told me to pay her back the money for the vase (USD $1000), so that she can give this money to her mum and explained to her that: my boyfriend's intention is to buy you this vase, but he also wanted me to look good in front of the sales, so I bought the vase, but my boyfriend pays the sum back. Is this making sense to anyone here ???

 

Anyway, I paid her. I know I sound stupid, but I do love her. Moving on, I booked a nice restaurant for lunch during mother's day. Now since we got the vase, we have to pick flowers, which was also a hassle since they have such high expectations, but eventually we chose something. Here's something else stupid. Obviously they wanted to take photos with the flowers at the restaurant, so it's okay right. But my gf asked: then what's the point of buying the vase ? the point is to put the flowers in the vase, so we could take photos of it at the restaurant. I then ask her: are you saying we're carrying this heavy vase out there ? She said: I dont know, you think. I was like ???? Why would anyone carrying a vase with flowers in it in public ??? Why cant you just leave the vase at home, and take pictures of it when you head home ? more convenient ????? And after lunch, we're going to be walking around, so how the hell do you think walking around with a heavy vase and flowers make perfect sense under this hot weather ?

 

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I just wanted to see how you guys view this as a third person perspective. Apart from the money problem, what else do you smell from this relationship and from my gf and her family ? I have yet to tell you so much more bull, but I'm only choosing the money topic today. Let me know what you guys think. Like, even if it comes to my parents, if my friends or gf are eating with us, I can guarantee you they will snatch the bill and pay for it. Her parents never shown any initiation to pay any bills, which is really weird in this society, since most Asians take the initiative. The "face' and image thing is really an odd issue. I don't know if it's because her mum is a successful business woman such that their principles are so odd. They even mention that they don't dare to walk past that italian vase shop anymore in fear that the sales would recognize them. I don't even understand.....?

[basil67]

Fighton, this is a tricky question for me as an anglo Australian woman to answer because of the cultural issues at play. Just recently there was a thread about how much Asian having high financial expectations of their men. However, you sound like you're British, so I'm wondering if you live in a western country.

 

Anyway, her behaviour is totally unacceptable by western standards. No anglo guy would put up with this. But perhaps someone with a similar cultural background could help with discussing Asian standards in what is likely a western world.

Edited June 24, 2019 by basil67

[JuneL]

-First, when you all eat out together with her parents, your gf should pay most of the time (you can pay occasionally like her parents do);

 

-Why would you agree to buy her those expensive handbags and stuff, when she sends you pictures? This is beyond me. More importantly, why would you date a woman like that??

 

-Of course your gf is supposed to be the one to treat her mother and buy her the gift on Mother’s Day, as that’s HER mother.

 

I’m very puzzled...why would you date a woman like that? The sex must be mind blowing

 

p.s. Btw, I’m ethnically East Asian, and this is beyond me.

[d0nnivain]

The whole thing screams Gold Digging to me. They are treating you like an ATM.

 

It might be cultural but the idea that your GF & her mother expected you to buy a $1,000 vase or they would be embarrassed is obnoxious. The idea that you must then show off indicates that their priorities are all about keeping up with the jones. Do speak to your own parents about the cultural norms. I suspect they will tell you to RUN.

[PegNosePete]

This is why "nice guys finish last".

 

She is walking all over you like a cheap doormat and you just keep going back for more.

 

Pretty soon she will dump you or cheat on you because you are such a pushover and she will tell you it's your fault for causing her to lose attraction.

 

You should really download and read the book No More Mr Nice Guy, you would really learn a lot about yourself and why your current actions and conflict avoidance is dooming your future happiness to failure. You say there's a lot more bull, I bet your conflict avoidance is the same there too.

[fairyfloff]

I am asian, and agree with others that this is EXTREME gold-digging behaviour.. Is she mainland Chinese? as they are known to be the most materialistic.

 

Where can I find me a guy like you LOL.. but even then, I can't even bring myself to even ask or accept many of the things you have bought/paid for her! I'd be happy just for my man to pay for dinners.

 

Reading her behaviour honestly infuriates me though.. crying that you didn't pay for her 1k vase wtf?

[The Outlaw]

You may love her, but trust me, the feeling isn't mutual. She 'loves' what she can get out of you, just like her parents do. She's a gold digging parasite. It isn't your job to cater to them, nor really her for that matter. If she likes expensive things, maybe she should ask her mom instead. But she isn't a good bet for anything long term. If they tried to make me feel guilty for not dishing out lord knows how much for a vase, I'd tell them where to stick it. Do yourself a favor and end it with her. It's only going to get worse from here.

[Springsummer]

I am an Asian woman. I am nothing like your gf.

 

Even I have nice facial features like many Asian girls don't have, like double eyelid with big eyes, taller nose and sizable chest, but I have never used those to my advantages to get a man to buy me stuff. I earn enough myself to afford those brands, but I have never fancied and won't buy expensive brands.

 

I think it's shameless and has no integrity whatsoever to get a guy to buy her all those stuff. you are not even her husband. what if you break up? will she feel guilty.

 

Who does she think she is? a princess? that's all fine though. but you have no responsibility for that and what do you get out of this? is she worth it? I get that her family is rich, do you want her family's money in return after you marry her? nonetheless, it's mind-boggling to me to buy something that I can't afford myself and use others to buy it for me.

 

I would say she is a shameless parasite and you are a pathetic sucker.

[schlumpy]

It looks like you have met every one of her expectations. Now she is pushing the envelope to see how far she can take it. I didn't read much about love in your post unless avarice has recently become one of its synomyms.

 

You know something is off or you wouldn't be here and although you will consider the advice - I don't think you are ready to take it to heart. You need to prove it for yourself. Let's see if she can pass your love test.

 

Tell her you are in a financial bind where you will need to watch your spending for the next year which means you cut out the expensive dinners, outings, presents, etc....

 

Instead do inexpensive things like walks in the park, day at the beach, visit the Hotdog (or equivalent) stand, spend time with each other, etc.

 

Do this for a couple of months and note any reaction. What happens will either reinforce or erase whatever doubts you have.

[elaine567]

Tell her you are in a financial bind where you will need to watch your spending for the next year which means you cut out the expensive dinners, outings, presents, etc....

Instead do inexpensive things like walks in the park, day at the beach, visit the Hotdog (or equivalent) stand, spend time with each other, etc.

 

But then he is lying to her, is that good?

 

NO need to test her, he just needs to stand up and say, "This ends now, you are making a fool out of me."

If she walks she walks, he cannot allow some stupid money grabbing woman and her parents to bankrupt him.

 

OP

Love should not be dependent on shoes, bags and $1000 vases.

If she loves you, she will understand that spending good, hard earned, money on fripperies is just a waste.

[healing light]

This girl (and her family!) sounds like a downright gold digger. Very disturbing.

 

My ex paid for most everything in my last relationship (I had been a student for many years at the time and was trying to get a business started), but I made sure to try to save him money when we went grocery shopping with coupons, price comparisons, etc., and would cook for him regularly. Aside from groceries, our dates were generally low cost (I don't eat out)--frequent nature spots. We had a discussion so I knew where he stood financially with dates, and he would periodically encourage me to plan one "big" date a month. At the end of our relationship, he spent 2k on me with clothes without me asking and I told him I thought he had gone overboard and was concerned he may resent me, wanted to make sure he felt okay about it and offered to return some of it. I really felt quite blessed by his generosity, never expected these things.

 

I could never ever imagine pulling that stunt with the vase or regularly expecting such lavish gifts for no reason or even that expensive of a gift for a special occasion. I would be embarrassed/wouldn't want to take advantage of the person if it wasn't coming from a genuine desire of theirs to "spoil" me. I also have zero attachment to brand names/material items.

 

So, yeah, I find this dynamic to be very concerning even for someone who has been treated regularly in a relationship. I think you will find out exactly how much she likes you for you if you cut the gravy train off and tighten the purse strings. I bet there would be lots more bickering and a breakup before long. I'm sorry to say it sounds like you are being used with no regard for your needs at all in this situation.

[schlumpy]

But then he is lying to her, is that good?

 

I agree with what you said. If it was me I would have just said no and if she walked, so be it but it's not me. If just telling her no was easy, I think he already would have done it and thus the subterfuge.

[chillii]

So what's goin on op ?

Anyway, me , l'd lay down the law and if she doesn't like it then that'd be that, can't keep going like that anyway so best find out what this is really made of as soon as possible.