I'm beginning to wonder if anything's changed?

[portableversion]

what crackes me up about the people who come onto this site and piss and moan about everything their cheating spouse does, cries and complains, and waxes poetic with a "POOR ME" is that they are perfectly content to stay in this situation which, by their own words, tears them up.

 

Even a lab rat will quit eating the food after it shocks them more than three times.

 

I have concluded that people like Sylvia and Veronese aren't really troubled by their husband's infidelity and lack of respect. That's okay. I just don't know why they waste their breath complaining about something that doesn't really bother them in the first place.

[sylviaguardian]

what crackes me up about the people who come onto this site and piss and moan about everything their cheating spouse does, cries and complains, and waxes poetic with a "POOR ME" is that they are perfectly content to stay in this situation which, by their own words, tears them up.

 

Even a lab rat will quit eating the food after it shocks them more than three times.

 

I have concluded that people like Sylvia and Veronese aren't really troubled by their husband's infidelity and lack of respect. That's okay. I just don't know why they waste their breath complaining about something that doesn't really bother them in the first place.

 

If it cracks you up why read? If the only answer to infidelity is to leave than why bother having a site like this.

[whichwayisup]

what crackes me up about the people who come onto this site and piss and moan about everything their cheating spouse does, cries and complains, and waxes poetic with a "POOR ME" is that they are perfectly content to stay in this situation which, by their own words, tears them up.

 

Even a lab rat will quit eating the food after it shocks them more than three times.

 

I have concluded that people like Sylvia and Veronese aren't really troubled by their husband's infidelity and lack of respect. That's okay. I just don't know why they waste their breath complaining about something that doesn't really bother them in the first place.

 

If you don't like it, THEN DON'T READ IT!

 

People come here to vent, to be heard, to be understood and to have people HELP and sympathize with them. It's part of the healing process. There is no time limit on how long it takes for someone to "get over" it.

[sugar-rae]

what crackes me up about the people who come onto this site and piss and moan about everything their cheating spouse does, cries and complains, and waxes poetic with a "POOR ME" is that they are perfectly content to stay in this situation which, by their own words, tears them up.

 

Even a lab rat will quit eating the food after it shocks them more than three times.

 

I have concluded that people like Sylvia and Veronese aren't really troubled by their husband's infidelity and lack of respect. That's okay. I just don't know why they waste their breath complaining about something that doesn't really bother them in the first place.

 

You know, I think people like the person who wrote this quote don't really know, {like we do} how lucky they have it thus far, if they haven't been cheated on.

 

There's not many people I would wish such meanness on as being cheated on, but this person gets pretty close.

[jonesgirly]

portablevision = weiner

[RecordProducer]

You know, I think people like the person who wrote this quote don't really know, {like we do} how lucky they have it thus far, if they haven't been cheated on.

 

There's not many people I would wish such meanness on as being cheated on, but this person gets pretty close.

 

Wow! This was really noble of you, Sugar-Rae!

[sugar-rae]

Wow! This was really noble of you, Sugar-Rae!

 

Why, thank you, RP! I was feeling pretty b!tchy at that moment, but I just felt like being noble. Wasn't that very generous of me?

[RecordProducer]

Why, thank you, RP! I was feeling pretty b!tchy at that moment, but I just felt like being noble. Wasn't that very generous of me?

I know. That's why it sounded noble. It wouldn't have if you merely felt like whining. Self-control and good manners make one's behavior noble.

[Outcast]

People come here to vent, to be heard, to be understood and to have people HELP and sympathize with them. It's part of the healing process. There is no time limit on how long it takes for someone to "get over" it.

 

Too many people throw a pity party for themselves and expect everyone to join in. Sometimes sympathy is not helpful since it enables people to stay in self-destructive situations and continue in self-defeating patterns. Sometimes 'tough love' is the very best kind of caring.

[sugar-rae]

I know. That's why it sounded noble. It wouldn't have if you merely felt like whining. Self-control and good manners make one's behavior noble.

 

Sometimes, tho', I have to whine. I feel I've earned it with all the alsolute senseless crap I (& my kids) have gone through.

Was that whinny? (or is that what a horse does? )

[lilmoma1973]

I don't agree that people come here for a pity party .. i think they come here to get a opinion of a situation that they are dealing with and they want some outside opinions and advice to help them deal with the situation a little better and .. Some might be here for people to feel sorry but others are really sincere and truly want to get help!!!!

[sugar-rae]

I don't agree that people come here for a pity party .. i think they come here to get a opinion of a situation that they are dealing with and they want some outside opinions and advice to help them deal with the situation a little better and .. Some might be here for people to feel sorry but others are really sincere and truly want to get help!!!!

 

Some come here to vent because they may live in a situation (with spouse, other family, in laws) that have no interest or sympathy for the facts of the A.

That happened in my situation. I kept being told by inlaws, own family, etc. that to discuss it would only make it worse. When you're in shock after the A comes out, you can't judge what's good advice and what's crap.

[RecordProducer]

Was that whinny?

No. In the context it was noble cuz you felt like strangling him, but you resisted the desire. Sometimes it's good though to NOT resist the desire!

[sugar-rae]

No. In the context it was noble cuz you felt like strangling him, but you resisted the desire. Sometimes it's good though to NOT resist the desire!

 

Oh, ok. I think I get it. Though, I wouldn't call myself noble. It's too fancy a word for me. I'm just a country gal.

 

My H tries to say I am sweet( ), but I'm having none of that!

 

I think I'm a B**** in most situations (except when dealing with my kids) and besides, I've never known a b**** to be called sweet.

 

Has anyone reading this post?

[RecordProducer]

noble. It's too fancy a word for me. I'm just a country gal. [/quotes]

 

<<<<---------------likes to call country gals fancy names!

 

My H tries to say I am sweet( ), but I'm having none of that!

I think I'm a B**** in most situations

 

You're not a genuine bitch if you're using asterix to type the word. I think you're just pretending to be one!

[sugar-rae]

You're not a genuine bitch if you're using asterix to type the word. I think you're just pretending to be one!

 

Try convincing my H's exOW of that!

[Maria46]

When my ex was having an affair, he was terribly defensive when I questioned him about things. Then he would accuse me of cheating.

 

I feel that when a partner gets defensive that they are hiding something.

 

Good luck with everything

[sugar-rae]

When my ex was having an affair, he was terribly defensive when I questioned him about things. Then he would accuse me of cheating.

 

I feel that when a partner gets defensive that they are hiding something.

 

Good luck with everything

 

Oh, definitely! Mine sure was when he was smack in the middle of his. He never did accuse me of having and affair tho'. I think he didn't because he knew how I was, how I cared enough about him. However, I mentioned one day (while unbeknowst to me the A was happening) to him about a guy he worked with liking me or dating me, just to get a rise to see if he was jealous over me AT ALL and my H was like, "you're not his type" my type being a b****. I just looked at him and said, "I wouldn't be like I am with him maybe, if he treated me right."

 

My H was blind as a bat where feelings were concerned and during the A he could have cared less how I felt. He even accused me (when the A came out)of not ever bragging on him about anything and "she" had complimented him ONCE on working on her machine (no pun intended. EWW!) at the place they worked.

When he said that to me, I told him the many times I had bragged and boasted on his ability to fix/work on anything to anyone I knew, family or friends. He looked at me then and realized the times. He was shame faced and had just conveniently "forgot".

It was heartbreaking, but a lesson for him.

 

Hey...I think I got off topic...

[MustB1]

I don't think anyone BELIEVES their spouse is having an affair- BUT once the adultery is uncovered we all kick ourselves for ignoring those redflags!!

[sugar-rae]

I don't think anyone BELIEVES their spouse is having an affair- BUT once the adultery is uncovered we all kick ourselves for ignoring those redflags!!

 

I think when my H's A came out I wanted to beat the crap out of myself as much as him and his whore!

 

Beforehand, I had went onto sites dealing in "signs of cheating" and all of his didn't add up to him cheating. He just planned his cheating time better where it wrapped snuggly around his job, work hours, etc.

 

Cheaters are so crafty it's pathetic!

[veronese]

Thanks to all who have taken the time to contribute to this thread. Personally I welcome hearing all opinions to get a different perspective on things.

 

There an element of truth in all the views. I confess that I have secretly enjoyed moments of martyrdom because there's bugger all else to enjoy when you find out something about your spouse that completely shatters you. I know it's not terribly becoming being a martyr but you don't have many options!

 

I know you are bored hearing about it, but you're nowhere near as bored as I am living it!

 

Red flags here, red flags there, trouble is they're bloody everywhere!

 

Not just in mine but in yours and hers.

 

The worst thing about being a BS is that you find yourself under attack quite unexpectedly. Things don't only change between you and your spouse, they change between you, him and everyone one else as well.

 

I'm coping for the most part with this situation. But I could do with a hand if you're willing? I'm still so confused at what is happening in lots of different ways, but one thing that is clear is that I'm not too popular at the moment.

 

That's why we come on LS, no one else is going to listen.

 

So thanks x

[jonesgirly]

V, I for one, am not bored of hearing your story. The whole thing mirrors mine so very much, that I look for your posts to "see my future." I know exactly how you feel about thinking that its "boring" to read. I have tried not to post things because I'm afraid of the dreaded "get over it already!". I feel silly telling you to keep posting (please!), when I'm not! Maybe its helpful for people to know that a major breach of trust in a marriage doesn't heal quickly. That when you choose to inflict wounds to the heart (for whatever reason), you will change that person forever.

 

You're right that you have no options to the occasional martyrdom. Thats how it feels when the one person in your life that shouldn't, does commit a crime against your heart. The innocence of complete trust in him is gone forever. There will always be a little voice that says "is it happening again?", especially now that you know he is capable of it.

 

I personally think you're doing great. You've helped me with things too, and we are amazingling similar in both the actual "crime" committed, and our feelings since then. I hate the almost "paranoid" feeling I have - the feeling that "something" is going on behind my back. I was caught off guard so much by the initial betrayal, that I can't help wonder what else I'm not seeing now.

 

Thank you for making me feel like I'm NOT crazy. And for understanding that being on high-alert for those pesky red flags are PERFECTLY NORMAL if you've ever been hit in the heart with the deception dart.

 

I'm continuing to try and focus on my own self - doing things that make ME happy, that I enjoy, etc. I cannot change another persons behavior/ethics/integrity, but I can "own" mine. I would never even consider a revenge-type affair, because its not in my bones. I try to convince myself that HIS lack of commitment to me is NOT a reflection on ME, but rather a reflection on HIS behavior style. I still have not decided whether or not I want to live with a person who considers cheating and lying an option.

 

I'm trying to conduct myself in a manner that deserves respect from others, including him. Actually, ESPECIALLY him. I can't help but think that if he had respected me enough, he wouldn't have chosen to do such a disrespectful thing!

 

I continue to remind myself that another person cannot make me "happy". That if I reach a point where all of this gets to be too much to deal with on a daily basis, I shall escape before I lose my sanity. Why should I spend time checking his email/cellphone/whereabouts, when I could be getting my hair blown out? He's going to do whatever it is he wants to anyway, so why not have a couple of really good hair days instead?

 

I can honestly say that I like who I see in the morning mirror (after grooming of course). He may not be so lucky.

 

Keep up the good work, V. Keep your eyes wide-open, but include in your sights your own "self." YOU decide what it is you want, express those desires, and see if he can or tries to meet them. If he can't or doesn't, then I guess at that time its either compromise, or live with them. Some you can, some you can't.

 

I'm hoping everyone who knows your situation can give you a thumbs-up too - this really is the only place to go when you feel the way you do now. I know I'm here for the very same reason!

[sylviaguardian]

Veron,

 

It's not boring. I, for one, have always looked up to you for being so positive, honest and for trying so hard. Don't listen to the people who think that you either get over something in 5 minutes or you leave. The rest of us know that it takes a long time to work things through and make decisions.

 

It takes a long time to even begin to get over such a betrayal of trust and equally it takes a long time to decide to leave what you thought was a stable marriage.

 

Take all the time you need, vent. This is why we are here. You have picked me up when I've been down - I'd like to do the same if I can.

 

Big hugs,

 

Sylvia

[Ladyjane14]

Why should I spend time checking his email/cellphone/whereabouts, when I could be getting my hair blown out? He's going to do whatever it is he wants to anyway, so why not have a couple of really good hair days instead?

 

:lmao: I enjoyed that immensely. And it's too true. Why not have a good hair day at that.

 

.....I'm continuing to try and focus on my own self - doing things that make ME happy, that I enjoy, etc. I cannot change another persons behavior/ethics/integrity, but I can "own" mine.....

 

....I continue to remind myself that another person cannot make me "happy".

I can honestly say that I like who I see in the morning mirror (after grooming of course). He may not be so lucky.....

 

See, this is all good.

 

If you've got to vent every now and then....well, so be it. Better here than at home with your spouse. Frankly, if he could truly understand why you need to vent...you wouldn't be venting here about how 'he can't understand what you're still mad about'.

 

I posted this somewhere else today, but I think it pertains to the conversation, because it's so important to find our own individuality again after a betrayal.

 

While my own marriage did survive, I wouldn't want to go back to the person that I was before. There's a certain amount of transition in the reconciliation process as well. At least, that's my opinion anyway.

 

You're forced to really take responsibility for your own individuality, as well as for the mistakes that you might have made in the relationship. Your potential for personal happiness is separated from the no longer trustworthy partner. You must invest emotionally in yourself.

 

Then, when you do find yourself in another relationship, either with your old partner or with a new one, you take all that with you. At that point you are enhancing each other's individuality, adding to the other's existance and never subtracting from it. Rather than two functioning halves of a whole relationship....you have two functioning whole individuals that create something singularly unique in partnership.

 

All I know for sure, is that I'm a stronger person today than I was back then. My self-esteem is mine again, my self-respect is mine again, and I'm the one that's in control of those particular aspects of my character. I'm the one who is ultimately responsible for keeping it that way too. I am unaffected by my partner's deficits, but I am enhanced by his assets. This is by my choice, because I'm no longer emotionally reliant on him.

 

I'm a whole person all by myself.

 

Anyway, I think everyone will arrive at their own pace. Some will repair their original relationship, Some will jettison the defective partner and move on. But hopefully, EVERYONE will be a little wiser when it's all said and done, and a little more in touch with their inner selves.

[sugar-rae]

 

 

 

Anyway, I think everyone will arrive at their own pace. Some will repair their original relationship, Some will jettison the defective partner and move on. But hopefully, EVERYONE will be a little wiser when it's all said and done, and a little more in touch with their inner selves.

 

To this I say, Amen!