I'm beginning to wonder if anything's changed?

[veronese]

So much has happened since I posted this thread, things unconnected with my husband but upsetting nevertheless. Also had a lot of demands to do with normal, day-to-day life (kids schools, work, house move etc.)

 

Anyway, having had my attention diverted from my marriage temporarily it gave me some perspective on things. It maded me realise that there are so many other, more urgent and important matters that need and deserve my attention, matters I haven't been capable of attending too adequately of late.

 

I was also able to look at my relationships with other people, my mother, sisters, friends etc. and realised how drastically those relationships have altered since DDay. Some friendships have become incredibly close, loving and precious to me as I have seen how amazingly loyal and understanding people have been. Three of my close girlfriends although always important to me, are now so treasured and appreciated for their love, kindness and inherent goodness.

 

On the flip side though others have emerged as total b*s*a*ds and had DDay not happened I doubt I would ever have been able to see that. However after their incredibly heartless and cruel behaviour towards me during this time my relationships with them have broken down. Most upsetting of all is that I have fallen out with one of my sisters and my mother, something unimaginable in years gone by.

 

So it's been a time for reflection, acceptance and painful truth for me. My marital problems brought to light how superficial and meaningless my relationships with my Mum and sister were, how irrelevant I am to them, how shallow they have always been. Losing them has been harder than what happened between my H and I, but I am coming to terms with it slowly.

 

The other day though I was contemplating the question again "has anything really changed?", and suddenly realised "YES IT HAS!!!". EVERYTHING has changed. My whole life has changed. I have changed, my relationships with those closest to me have changed, my H has changed, my marriage has changed, practically everything is so, utterly different now.

 

So what if we have hiccups like this? We deal with them in new ways now, I deal with them differently so consequently, so does he. My feelings aren't those I had before. I see things I couldn't see before. I've had to face the unpleasant facts of my situation, absorb them, confront them and learn from them.

 

I'm not pretending things are rosy here, they're not. We have our fall outs, invarioubly over me questioning odd things and him not appreciating me doing so, and at those times I think it's safe to say we could both quite cheerfully tell the other to **** off!! Neither one of us knows exactly the right way to behave towards the other (despite me, for one, trying very bloody hard understand how my behaviour triggers his) but conflict and disharmony don't scare the sh*t out of me anymore.

 

Reading opinions here has been invaluable, I've learned so much and have recognised things about myself and how I behave that I was unaware of. I love hearing some harsh truths from you all, but I also love the wave of support and kindness I've received from many of you too.

 

However, whereas in the old days disagreements or conflicts would leave me feeling insecure, anxious to please and placate and duty bound to resolve and smooth over, thesedays I dont fear being the cause or to blame for them. If he's had enough and wants out it would upset me greatly but I no longer cling on for dear life. It just feels more balanced.

 

I also know him so much better now, know his faults, weaknesses, mistakes and flaws, he's human after all and I kind of like him more for it.

 

I can't describe how we are together precisely, it's so complex. We're very close and connected, relaxed and comfortable together, loving, affectionate and stable, but we also have major, unexpected erruptions when we suddenly turn into a couple about to divorce. Strange thing is though how quickly it blows over. All those issues that emerged daily in the first twelve months could roll on and on for some time and were often re-visited at regular intervals. They seemed to come incessantly, one on top of another, never giving me enough time to recover inbetween.

 

They're less frequent now, thank God, and the repercussions less turbulent. Twelve months ago my mind, life, emotions etc. were in pieces, it wasn't a nice time and my sympathies go out to all still in that place. No-one can wave a wand and magic things better again, it's just something you have to get through the best you can. Today I can honestly say my sanity has almost returned (almost!!!)

 

So many truly hideous things have happened since that Easter Sunday in 2004, and they haven't in any way been just about me and my husband. But they have happened and I can't change the past, just look to the future.

 

When all's said and done, things could be a whole heap worse. My children, husband and I are healthy, warm and have food and for that I am truly grateful. We only need to look around at the world we live in to see how fortunate we are. The tsunami last Christmas, the hurricanes in Florida and the south, the earthquake in Pakistan, the bombings in London and Bali, so many lives lost and destroyed, I have no right to sit here complaining about my lot.

 

I extend my thoughts and prayers to any LS members currently bracing themselves for Hurricane Wilma, I hope you all come through safe and sound.

 

Big hugs to the gang

 

Love Veronese

xxxxxx

[sugar-rae]

 

When all's said and done, things could be a whole heap worse. My children, husband and I are healthy, warm and have food and for that I am truly grateful. We only need to look around at the world we live in to see how fortunate we are. The tsunami last Christmas, the hurricanes in Florida and the south, the earthquake in Pakistan, the bombings in London and Bali, so many lives lost and destroyed, I have no right to sit here complaining about my lot.

 

I extend my thoughts and prayers to any LS members currently bracing themselves for Hurricane Wilma, I hope you all come through safe and sound.

 

Big hugs to the gang

 

Love Veronese

xxxxxx

 

 

Well said, Veronese! Well said! Bless you!

[brown2greyeyes]

It baffles me how men act. but look at this im in a relationship with my boyfriend and he acts the same way with his cell phone and who he talks to when he is around me. He wants to marry and he has for a will. But because I'm getting an education in another city four hours away from him he goes to this other woman when he can't have sex with me. And he got her pregnant or at least its between him and another guy she was messing aroud with. but even after he told me he still conrtinued. so we separated and i went out on one date with another man and he had an attack. 6 o clock in the morning my phone is ringing because he just woke up from a nightmare. Here's where i'm gettin, if your husband is hiding something from you but all of a sudden gets distant with certain things and brushs you off when you ask questions, SOMETHING IS GOING ON. and mostly likely he is cheating. Because when my boyfriend brings me around his female friends he is real relaxed. but as some as that slut calls or is anywhere near me he doesn't say anything. he never even introduced us formally when i first say her. Don't take the back road because youll end up even more hurt when you find out the truth (if it is bad) when it months or even years down the line.