EX (35) wants to be best friends with me (36) knowing I still have feelings for him

[Thrillho]

X bf wants to be best friends says he misses me in his life knowing full well I still want more.

 

 

Broke up 7 months ago, together for four years. He basically left me for another girl and we all work together. I was so devastated for months. We haven’t spoken at all unless we have to for work related stuff. I have completely focused on myself this whole time. I’ve lost about 75 pounds, started therapy and done everything and anything I Could to feel better. Anyways a mutual friend of ours had a wedding this weekend in Boston and we were both there. The whole time he was staring at me. A couple of my friends told me afterwards he took a bunch of photos of me at the wedding. At one point he came up to me and told me how beautiful I looked. After the wedding I went to help with the reception ( I was the maid of honor and had to help with pretty much everything) my ex came up to me directly after the wedding and asked me if I was going to the reception. I said I was helping and would be there.

 

Fast forward to the reception he is following me all over the place..Then started talking about us and I quickly reminded him where we were and we shouldn’t talk about that. He said I was right and hoped to talk soon. His brother was there too so I wasn’t as nervous cause he is super chill so I calmed down a bit. Honestly I was just trying to be civil as we were at a wedding with all our friends. After the reception we went back to a mutual friends. His brother was drunk so I was helping take care of him.

 

Anyways we are sitting outside and my ex starts telling me he misses me. That he misses hanging out. He misses everything ..He asks me if we can take a walk and talk about things. We walked around Boston all night.

 

He Basically told me I’m his best friend he misses me wants me in his life but doesn’t love me. He says he loves me but doesn’t love me. Cool?! He stated he’s pretty sure he’s done with us. But that I’m his best friend and misses everything we had. Hmm

 

He said he doesn’t see a future but wants me in his life wants to hang out with me ...... then he kept calling me “babe” or his new girlfriends name!!! NO JOKE I was furious. He kept apologizing and saying please don’t hate me. He kept playing with my hair, hugging me and holding my hand. I was so confused and still am. I told him I don’t know if I can be friends cause I still have feelings for him and he said (knowing full well that’s how I feel) that he still Wants me around and in his life. This whole entire situation sucks. I have never been in a more heartbreaking situation. I have tried transferring stores multiple times and still haven’t heard anything. I Literally told him I love him and he was like I don’t feel that way but I love you. WHAT?! He said I’m An amazing awesome person and then says I love you but then Told me he thinks he’s in love with the other girl. He was literally begging me to be his best friend. On his hands and knees I’m not joking. Also he almost kissed me twice.... kept apologizing for breaking my heart I was literally sobbing and he was hugging me and wiping tears away from my face just saying how he wants me to be happy and how I can do so much better than him and how amazing I am and how beautiful I am and how much I’ve transformed. And then saying he needs me in his life .. what an absolute mind ****.

 

We got back to my friends apartment and I laid down on the couch and he tried to cuddle with me! I told him I thought that was in appropriate considering he had just told me he doesn’t have feelings for me and he has a girlfriend. He said he just wanted to be with me and nothing would happen and then tried kissing my forehead. Then he passed out. It was weird and confusing. A part of me wants to be his friend but idk if I can knowing how I feel. He knows and still wants me around. And yes I know I shouldn’t give a damn about him after everything that’s happened. It’s a weird feeling when your heart and mind don’t match up. A part of me is happy it happened for some type of Closure. For me the way I look at it he doesn’t get to have all the parts he misses I feel like it’s so selfish to put anyone in that position especially knowing full well the other person still loves you. I also don’t want to be a fallback/ hookup/ booty call. At the end of the day I have to do what’s best for me. Is he just trying to appease his guilt? It was a confusing night as his actions contradicted his words. I’ve gone this long without him in my life, but I won’t lie I am torn on what to do here. Should I be in his life? I just see it as putting myself through more pain. I will see him in a few days at work. Not sure if I should say something or text him and be like I can’t do this.

 

 

 

TL;DR

EX BF WANTS TO BE BEST FRIENDS KNOWING I WANT MORE

[d0nnivain]

What he wants is irrelevant. If you want to get back together & he doesn't he needs to be completely out of your life. This BS about being "friends" is torturing you. Stop.

[somanymistakes]

Wanting to be "friends" usually means either

 

wanting to get everything he ever got from you without having to do anything for you in return

 

or wanting you to make nice so that he doesn't have to feel guilty about breaking up with you anymore

 

If he doesn't want to beg your forgiveness and come back into your life, block him, it's better for you. Hanging out being "friends" is solely for his benefit and your pain.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also don’t want to be a fallback/ hookup/ booty call.

 

Then your question is asked and answered. He wants you around if things don't work out with the new partner, and if that included the occasional side piece, even better.

 

After reading your entire post, still don't have the answer to this question - as you move on from this break-up, how does being "friends" help you go forward?

 

Mr. Lucky

[FMW]

He's being selfish and showing he can't be a good friend to you. He wants what he wants, regardless of how it hurts you.

 

Take care of yourself and don't try to be friends.

[Foxhall]

this is a tough one for you,

 

I would also feel that you have to make the tough call on it and eliminate contact with him,

 

self respect is the most important thing and by being there for him while he dangles another girl literally right in your face, tbh you are degrading yourself.

 

Id say in general I am more tolerant than most, but I think there is a line and look this is nasty,

 

tell him to **** off and get on with your life.

[Redhead14]

Tell him you have too much respect for yourself to settle for less than you want. Don't let him set you up to be used for weaning himself off of regular sex and/or companionship while he is waiting to see if the new one/next one works out or not.

[schlumpy]

I have tried transferring stores multiple times and still haven’t heard anything. I Literally told him I love him and he was like I don’t feel that way but I love you. WHAT?! He said I’m An amazing awesome person and then says I love you but then Told me he thinks he’s in love with the other girl. He was literally begging me to be his best friend. On his hands and knees I’m not joking. Also he almost kissed me twice.... kept apologizing for breaking my heart I was literally sobbing and he was hugging me and wiping tears away from my face just saying how he wants me to be happy and how I can do so much better than him and how amazing I am and how beautiful I am and how much I’ve transformed. And then saying he needs me in his life .. what an absolute mind ****.

 

We got back to my friends apartment and I laid down on the couch and he tried to cuddle with me! I told him I thought that was in appropriate considering he had just told me he doesn’t have feelings for me and he has a girlfriend. He said he just wanted to be with me and nothing would happen and then tried kissing my forehead. Then he passed out. It was weird and confusing.

 

I also don’t want to be a fallback/ hookup/ booty call. At the end of the day I have to do what’s best for me. Is he just trying to appease his guilt?

 

I just see it as putting myself through more pain. I will see him in a few days at work. Not sure if I should say something or text him and be like I can’t do this.

 

 

I read you were trying to transfer to a different store. Please continue those efforts.

 

I thought at first this would be an effort to minimize his guilt but I think he enjoys having you on a string. He knows you love him and it can be intoxicating to elicit love responses from someone who is emotionally bound when his emotions are under control. This is not the behavior of a lover or even a friend. He should want you to move on and find the same happiness he feels.

 

You already know you don't want to be the backup or port in a storm when he and his new squeeze have a misunderstanding.

 

For your own sake - go no contact. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him. Demand that the store transfer you. Detach from him. Accept that you will hurt for a while.

 

IF you have a best friend, use them as a coach.

 

Best Wishes

Edited June 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Curiousroxy86]

 

For your own sake - go no contact. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him. Demand that the store transfer you. Detach from him. Accept that you will hurt for a while.

 

 

Please do this op

[preraph]

I think honestly what he means by "friend" is friend with benefits but no commitment so he can have both of you. He shouldn't be touching your hair and kissing you. He's just selfish and wants you both. He doesn't want you longterm. Beware guys who touch you but say "just friends." It's nonsense. It's they want to lean on you emotionally and that includes having sex once in a while on the side.

 

None of this is what you need. Too bad for him. But there is no hope for this going anywhere and he's just greedy, plain and simple. Tell him to leave you alone forever.

[preraph]

Also, you deserve a better new man, and one will not stay with you if you keep him around OR even if he can make it LOOK like you have something going on, so don't let him do this. He'll block new relationships and pull this string every single time. He has no respect for you and doesn't care about your wellbeing.

[elaine567]

Agreed preraph,

 

OP, he is mate guarding and he is lining you up for a FWB relationship.

You love him he knows it so if he can get sex and affection on the side he will...

[spiderowl]

Well he definitely misses you and your friendship. It sounds like he got drunk and got all emotional because of that.

 

Personally, I think he has no right to expect anything from you and he should know that.

 

How does he make you feel - hurt? Belittled? Mixed-up? Confused? Stressed? Heartbroken? That is the impact he is having on your mind and body. If you keep him as a friend, that is how you will continue to feel when crossing paths with him. You don't deserve that.

 

I think you have told this guy too much about how you feel about him. He has no right to know about your feelings now. He is your ex. Keep them to yourself and avoid him. It sounds like he is narcissistic and thinks he is entitled to have his girlfriend AND you! Well no, he is not and it is going to be a hard lesson for him to learn. Don't allow him to drag you into that kind of situation.

 

His behaviour is very telling. If you and he were together, how long do you think he would be with you before he got himself into another emotional mindf**k situation which involved another woman and hurt you immensely? I doubt he would remain faithful.

 

If you still want this guy - and his likely future behaviour if you were together - tell him nothing. Do not let him see he has any power over you emotionally. Avoid him. Do not spend time with him at his request and, if you do, cut it short so you are the one in control of how long he gets to spend with you. I think he has taken you for granted because he knows you love him. You have just spent a lot of time with him letting him know how much you love him - it just leaves him with an overinflated ego! You need to ration your time so he has to fight for it. If he wants you over the other woman, he's going to have to prove it to you by leaving her and then courting you all over again.

 

Just bear in mind that if you do grant him another chance, you are likely to find yourself in the same situation again unless your behaviour changes, you keep your feelings to yourself, and you refuse to tolerate him messing about. Any sign that he is not fully engaging with you should be a sign for you to walk.

Edited June 29, 2019 by spiderowl

[preraph]

She lost a ton of weight. Most guys I've been with try to come back around and see if they can keep sex going. She lost weight and this rubs in his face that she can get a new boyfriend, so he's just manipulating her. He doesn't want her but doesn't want anyone else to have her because it's bad for his ego. Pretty typical, really.