What do you think about the letter I sent?

[preraph]

Yup, it's me sending the dreaded letter (via email). I already sent it.

 

Briefly me and a friend were new friends/roommates 40 years ago. She's bipolar/narcissist. We had some great times together. She would do secretive things though and go after guys she met through me for no other purpose than to get attention and possibly sex. We were new friends, so I didn't expect much loyalty from her. Ethics would have been nice, though.

 

There was a guy I was in love with while she and I lived together. I saw her whisper in his ear once and neither would tell me what was said. So I always had my antennae up about it.

 

Well 40 years later, he and I are just "keep in touch" friends, he's married and for a lot of years and seems happily married. I have socialized with him and his wife on a couple of occasions. We stay in touch.

 

So couple years ago, my friend, call her Francine, calls and I can't get her off the phone and am in the middle of working. Manic, I guess. Two phone calls in a row over a few months, she brings up this ex (call him Tony) after I had mentioned going to a concert with him and his wife. She's asking what his last name is. Doesn't remember. Pushing it. I start asking her why she's asking and confronting her about it because the last phone call, she told me all about cheating on her chronically ill (for a number of years) nice husband with the handyman when she was all wound up about him and jealous about him. It was ridiculous, making me look at a website of some woman he told her he kind of loved and asking if it looked like a drag queen. I was just disgusted about it.

 

She told me her other old friend (older than me even) disapproved of her doing this. Well, anyone would be. I told her, Look, I haven't been in your shoes, but... and it's true. I haven't been a manic horny 60 year old narcissist with a good loyal husband bedbound for years. I grant her that.

 

So I've been avoiding her since then. She's not reliable anyway. She'll call from 60 miles away and want me to meet her at night right when I'm going to bed. Then she tells people I'm a hermit because I tell her no (like friends on Facebook). I am pretty sure she did contact Tony too because he has said things like "I'm glad you got out of the house" when I maybe text him from a lunch venue. I tell him, "Tony, I get out of the house every day. I have two jobs and usually eat lunch out."

 

Anyway, she wrote an email because I've dodged her phone calls. And says her husband is doing better and at the end, "I wish you'd let me back into your life."

 

Realize nowhere is there any admission of what she's been up to or any apology.

 

So let me know what you think about what I wrote her back. It pains me to have to have done it. I wish she's just send a Christmas card once a year and forget about trying to interact, honestly.

 

First I told her about recent health problems, but the rest was about the situation.

 

"Francine, back in the old days I always knew you were whispering in guys' ears behind my back, but I figured we hadn't known each other long enough to expect much loyalty. It bothered me most what you might be saying to them about me, and I always felt that you kind of used me as an excuse to open a conversation with them."

 

"After this many decades even though we haven't really seen each other hardly any, I think I merit a little more loyalty. I'm just not going to have someone who is either manic or horny or whatever the problem is that's cheating on their husband who is chronically ill coming in and causing chaos with any people I know, and especially those who are married.

 

"After finding out you've been lying to me for years, I think any normal person would have trouble trusting again.

 

"And on just an everyday practically basis, you and I are on opposite schedules. About the time you're getting wound up and want to meet somewhere, I'm going to bed after working two jobs. And I do not have time to stay on the phone for 2 hours..

 

"I worry about you and your family. I like to know you're okay. But I'm really not down for listening to stories about you cheating on Rich. And I don't feel like I can share anything personal with you anymore because of the trust issues.

 

"I always hope you're doing well and feeling well. Email anytime you want. It's still the best way to reach me."

[Foxhall]

I like the way you outlined to her clearly your main grievances with her and why you are keeping her at a distance,

 

I also like the way you finished up offering that you are still there on the other end of the line or mail,

 

If her response is conciliatory in nature, personally I would like if you were able to take reconciliation a step further, and that you might be prepared to take her back into your life as a friend that you would meet and so on.

 

I recall you mentioning this situation before, I believe it was on my opening post,

and that you have difficulty getting past the trust having been broken,

 

perhaps cutting her a little slack might be no harm, in view of the bipolar condition and so on, and more importantly in my opinion the passing of time.

 

and also an important point you raise here is that you did have great times together.

[FMW]

From how you describe things, it was fair and straight to the point. It was probably cathartic for you to send it.

 

If you sent me a letter like that I wouldn't be contacting you again, which would probably be a good thing for you if you felt that way about me (for good reason).

 

My experience with a former bi-polar friend (I had to cut her completely out of my life) makes me think she might have a confrontational response though. So I would prepare myself to be on the receiving end of a dramatic outburst outlining excuses for her behavior and outlining every grievance she ever had with you.

 

But maybe your former friend is better medicated than mine.

[Tagalz]

Yup, it's me sending the dreaded letter (via email). I already sent it.

 

"I worry about you and your family. I like to know you're okay. But I'm really not down for listening to stories about you cheating on Rich. And I don't feel like I can share anything personal with you anymore because of the trust issues.

 

"I always hope you're doing well and feeling well. Email anytime you want. It's still the best way to reach me."

 

Hey Preraph! I know you from answering my problems on my threads so I would gladly try my best to return the favour!

 

You haven’t done anything wrong in this situation and If I were you I would also tell her the truth, but I would call her instead of sending a long e-mail. Everything that you wrote is nicely thought out but too much. I don’t think she would spend her time reading.

 

Just narrow it down to the most important part and tell her over the phone.

 

When you are calling her, don’t laugh and don’t sound angry. Use a more serious voice and let her hear that through the phone that you are serious.

 

It’s just amazing how you know her for so long and she doesn’t even show some loyalty.. you deserve a friend who is much better than her!

 

Hope that helps!

[Cersei]

I think the letter is great. You did not tip toe around her feelings and stated the truth. High 5!

[Orokotikki]

The only thing that would make it better is addressing it to her husband.

But I think it is very well stated, she sounds like the kind of creep I only thought a guy would be (or at least more commonly).

[preraph]

 

My experience with a former bi-polar friend (I had to cut her completely out of my life) makes me think she might have a confrontational response though. So I would prepare myself to be on the receiving end of a dramatic outburst outlining excuses for her behavior and outlining every grievance she ever had with you.

 

But maybe your former friend is better medicated than mine.

 

Yeah. No. She's very emotional. I used to be able to talk her off the ledge and flip the switch but that was years ago. Her narcissism is always in play. She never could stand not to be the center of attention in any room. It's become frustrating for her now she's 60! Pretty easy when you're in your 20s with blond hair and big boobs. Not so much anymore, so she's tapping all resources looking for attention, and she has described herself as a sex addict to me in the past. It's really as much attention as anything, but how to get attention? Sex.

 

Yes, I expect a delayed reaction. I'm not answering any phone calls. She's going to spew. She's going to spew and harken back to 40 years ago when she was convinced it was her giving ME a social life, when in reality, it was my crowd she came into that I already had and I wasn't much interested in who she drug home.

 

I realized something yesterday when I was thinking about all this. The most guys I ever had interested in me and coming around was AFTER she left town. I don't think that's a coincidence. I think she offered a lot of them sex like a prostitute does (no strings) and also that what they thought of her doing that rubbed off on their impression of me. Thing is she would never come clean about it and would just clam up. When I saw her whispering to a one I was seeing, I'd ask both what that was about and both would clam up.

 

She was still doing this petty crap 20 years ago while married. Usually, I didn't care about the person she was whispering to, but I hated knowing she used me to open a conversation with them and not knowing what she was saying. Like this is how petty:

 

I was taking a course in leatherwork. I commented to her long distance that the guy teaching the course was kind of cute but obnoxious. He did act weird when I saw him next. But first I knew about anything, she's in town at a suburb community theatre acting in a play with him! First I knew, she invited me to come and there they were. That's how sneaky she is and the ways she used me to have an excuse to talk to him. I'm fairly certain she told him I liked him or something like she was doing me and him a favor. But I didn't like him, just found him obnoxious and noteworthy. Nutso.

[preraph]

Tagalz, good advice. I already sent her the email because you can't get a word in edgewise with her on the phone! And you can't get her off the phone. And she'll just clam up and not deal with it anyway. I know she usually only calls to tell me about some guy she's trying to have sex with. I really don't want to confront her on the phone. It's painful for both of us, but she'll make it all about her.

[preraph]

The only thing that would make it better is addressing it to her husband.

But I think it is very well stated, she sounds like the kind of creep I only thought a guy would be (or at least more commonly).

 

Yeah. But he's been really sick for years now and mostly bedbound and he doesn't need anything else on his plate. My feeling is that he knows how she is and that she isn't doing without attention for long, and he probably just doesn't want to hear about it. But it bugs me because she's always off traveling and having a big time. Her grown son takes some responsibility. She tries to use him for a social life too. One thing she said in her email is her and the son were going to go out of town to see a woman he was interested in and didn't end up going. Well, duh. I'm sure as soon as she invited herself along, he cancelled. Plus then who's at home with the sick father? She's just not rational.

[The Outlaw]

Well done. It's good that you addressed long standing issues that you've had with her. But even if you don't hear back from her again, at least the letter should have provided you some closure. She's totally shameless and has no regrets about anything she's doing.

[preraph]

Oh, she spewed! It was all me, me, me, me. She wanted me to go to a shrink, of course, and is calling me paranoid and agoraphobic. I knew she was saying that kind of stuff about me, all because I don't jump up and drive 60 miles to meet her whenever she wants. Then bids for sympathy galore.

 

Then an odd ending where she puts a link that she says is her autobiography but says it's written by some man's name (pen name I guess) and it's totally incoherent. She used to be a journalist, but her writing is so scattered, the two things I've seen in the last maybe 15 years, that they just make no sense.

 

I'm not writing back, but I don't expect that will be the end of it.

[The Outlaw]

There's nothing paranoid about being truthful with her. She's just too blind to see it. Good times aside, you haven't lost anything. And you don't owe her anything either. For an ill husband she's cheating on, she has absolutely no shame.

[Orokotikki]

Sounds like a response that I hope you can take as very validating and satisfying. I like to think I would. Its a game you win by not playing.

[preraph]

One of the things she was going on about is how I don't care enough about her to keep up with all the woes in her life, her husband's illness which I know all about, an accident her grown son had, and a diagnosis she has.

 

and yet the last two phone calls which were probably two years ago now because I stopped taking them I would always ask about her husband especially and just get a short answer and then she would launch manically into whatever she called to talk about, like banging the handyman. She would be all wound up about some silly thing and that's all she wanted to talk about, not anything important.

 

She still doesn't get that just because I'm not bending over backwards to make plans with her because they're usually inconvenient and she's so unreliable, but that doesn't mean I'm a hermit. There's some ego for you. What's funny about that is when I heard from her this week I was on the road all day and I had to ask her to resend her email because I did something to it while driving, and I told her I've been on the road all day. Not very agoraphobic.

 

I'd really like to talk to her other old friend but I don't know how to reach her or what her last name is. I just like to know how palatable she is finding her these days.

[alphamale]

you shouldn't treat someone who is bipolar like this. a lot of bipolars kill themselves. you should have just dropped the relationship without any explanation.

[preraph]

I tried. She gets suicidal pretty easy and wants everyone to know it. She mentioned some past episodes in her rant. You have to realize the number one thing this shark feeds on is attention. She may really do it one day. I don't know. But it surely won't be over someone she hasn't actually seen in 20 years.

 

I'm not going to be held hostage by it.

[alphamale]

I'm not going to be held hostage by it.

 

you shouldn't be...sometimes one has to take care of their own mental & emotional health

[preraph]

Thanks to everyone for the support and just listening. I really appreciate it.

 

I'm not responding to her long email because if I did I would have to call her out on how narcissistic and me me it was and for the big load of gaslighting. I might even get put on the spot to critique the link she sent that she wrote, which made absolutely no sense.

 

I've seen that happen to two people now who used to be decent writers and I guess their mental illness just ruined it all but they still look at it and relate to it because I guess that's how fractured their mind is. The other person was a mostly internet acquaintances from the UK and he wrote the most beautiful flowery poetry, but then he tried to write a novel and it just didn't make any sense at all.

 

I didn't sleep well last night. But this has been coming for a while. I wish she had just let sleeping dogs lie.

 

the worst thing about it and the most predictable is that nowhere in the communications is she coming clean or apologizing. She was really mad that I wrote in an email about her cheating on her husband, galled that I made a paper trail. Me, me, me

[Orokotikki]

You've lanced the boil.

Now cauterize the wound.

What purpose would any further contact serve?

[FMW]

I'm sorry things got all stirred up for you again.

 

I tried to just quietly disappear out of the life of the former friend I referenced in my earlier post, but she kept calling and texting insisting on knowing why I didn't want to talk or hang out anymore. So I agreed to meet her at a restaurant, tried to explain as gently and unemotionally as I could why I thought we should go our separate ways. And yes, spew is the perfect description of what she unleashed on me, right there in front of a restaurant full of people. She also told me I needed to "go talk to someone".

 

I'm not proud of it, but I eventually just had to tell her I was done and got up and walked out (after leaving a $20 bill on the table although I'd only had a soda). She screamed after me "You are NOT going to just leave". I'm sure everyone enjoyed the free show with their dinner.

 

It's painful, but sometimes we have to just cut ties. I hope you feel more peaceful about it soon.

[preraph]

^ Yeah, my sympathies. I wouldn't dare have taken her out in public (and she won't do private because she can't sit down that long) and done it. Too volatile. I feel bad that I know she's histrionic right now and I assume after this many years, her husband won't even ask her what set her off this time since there's not always any reason). It's too bad that I didn't have anyone I could contact to keep an eye on her though without giving an explanation that would be even more damaging to her.

 

She has this weird thing where she forgets unpleasant things, and that's why i figure this will never go completely away.