David33 Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 I'm 54, she's 43 and have been dating for 7 weeks. We're both separated and going through a divorce and are very open about our past relationships. She talks about her boyfriend / soon-to-be ex-husband / ex-fiance, etc which is fine, I'm a big boy I have no judgement and I'm interested to hear the stories. But as soon as I get into any kind of depth about my soon-to-be ex-wife / ex-girlfriends, she changes. She eventually told me she was comparing them to her. I guess it's a normal reaction but it seems like insecurity and if it keeps up is a definite deal-breaker for me. Thanks for any thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 (edited) Keep noticing what you're noticing. You're not imagining her weirdness when you talk about your ex. Pay aggressive attention to such insecurity at this early stage ... You don't have to force anything ... just notice if this happens again ... pay attention to any other signs of insecurity. OK, I'm beating around the bush. She's too insecure. This is not going to work. Start heading for the exits. Insecurity 7 weeks in ... not a good sign, a terrible sign. A major red flag. No way this disappears in Week 9 ... The insecurity will flare up when you go to lunch with that good-looking female coworker ... or when in the grocery store you randomly run into that woman who dated a friend of yours on the street. You say hello to this woman with any hint of a smile and your gf will be all over you. Edited June 25, 2019 by Lotsgoingon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 How long have each of you been separated? Regardless of time, where is she in the emotional process of healing and where are you? What were the reasons for the marriages ending? It can be a very vulnerable time, emotionally messy. Especially if she was cheated on, she'd need extra assurances, prioritization. You don't mind hearing about ex's but she does. Is it important for you to be able to process ex's equally or are you ok with this one issue being one way? Are there other issues that are not equally reciprocal that show a trend? Not too many are feeling their most secure selves mid divorce. If you are, that's great, up to you how much compassion you're willing to extend. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 Most people know what a rebound is. I learned a new term here on LS the other day. You are a "bridge" for this woman. You are the guy who will get her through her divorce but once she clears that hurdle, she'll dump you. She wants a PT amateur therapist & ego boost but she doesn't want to be those things for you. If you are into fairness, she's not your girl. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 If you ever want something romantic with someone, you should be talking about your favorite band or the trip you would like to go on, or how it was growing up as a kid, and funny stories....not crap about divorce, spouses, ex or whatever. Talking about relationship past, present, is friend zone stuff, or just dysfunctional. If you or her need to lean on someone, go find a friend or a therapist. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author David33 Posted June 28, 2019 Author Share Posted June 28, 2019 Thanks for the advice all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 Thanks for the advice all. Hope you are doing OK. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 I think Smackie9 nailed it. As long as you are both are coming to each other from a long term committed (although failed) relationship why would either of you be interested in your EX except for assurance that the relationship was truly over. Don't talk about past relationships. It will only contribute to failure. Best Wishes 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author David33 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Share Posted July 8, 2019 Hope you are doing OK. It's going better, thanks. You were right, the past stuff was a mix of friend zone and "this sh*t happened, are you okay with it?" I think she's more secure in our relationship and that I'm not going back to my STBX. In a week she's going on vacation with her family for a couple weeks so that will be good for both of us. As long as I don't get any insecurity texts, it should be fine. Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
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