NC for the dumper

[JS17]

Has anyone ever been the dumper in a serious relationship with someone and never contacted them again?

 

I know my ex didn't care about me but it still drives me crazy sometimes that he never tried to contact me once since we broke up. I'm just trying to understand how you could be in a serious relationship with someone and just cut them out completely. I don't know what has gone through his head. I want to understand why...even if the answer is he's so happy with his girlfriend that he never gave me another thought or he just really never cared about me....I thought someone else may have been on the other side of this situation.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Has anyone ever been the dumper in a serious relationship with someone and never contacted them again?

 

Yes.

 

Why? I had been with him for four years, but I had emotionally checked out of the relationship more or less more than a year previously, and was only hanging on out of guilt, nostalgia and a fear of being alone. The relationship had become a habit. When I left the relationship, I did not look back - not a word, not a contact, nothing.

 

Why? By the time I left, there was nothing left for me to want to go back to. Not even curiosity. I found someone new, and that was the nail in the coffin so to speak. I did not think about him at all except to be glad that I had finally gotten up the nerve to leave. It was absolutely necessary to put all those old feelings and emotions behind me so that I could move on. Part of that meant moving on in my life without a backward glance.

 

However... my breakup and post-breakup feelings did not mean that I had never had feelings for him. At one time I did. I wanted to marry him, in fact. I was happy - but as the relationship grew, I grew past my need for it and what I needed and wanted from the relationship changed. That doesn't change the fact that at one time I did love him.

 

I'm sure its the same for your ex. Just because he has moved on doesn't mean he never loved you.

 

I did hear from him more than ten years later after that breakup. It was one of those 'catch up' sort of things - he was happily engaged and soon to be married, and it was good to hear that things ended up happily for him.

 

I could not have given him the happy future his W is now giving him. I guess in a way, it wasn't dumping him so much as it was setting him free from a situation I knew we would never really be happy in.

[JS17]

Thanks for your response LB. It wasn't easy to hear but at least I understand. I've never dumped anyone that I was in a relationship without caring or wanting to make sure they were ok afterwards so I couldn't understand it. I guess I'm just the biggest sucker around. I guess I need to figure out how not to care about people. It's going to be tough

 

btw, I know he never cared about me, even before the NC started...I guess it all shouldn't have come as much of a surprise.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Hey, it surely isn't easy. The guy that I mentioned - the 'someone new'? Two years after that, he dumped me. Hardcore. Took me right out to the spot where he was going to propose, and instead looked right down into my eyes and said "I don't want to get married and I don't love you anymore".

 

I had to spend the rest of the vacation there with his family, and after we got back I moved back to my state and literally did not hear from him again. The last I heard, he had a huge romantic wedding in Rome and has a fairly successful career/life/marriage/etc.

 

But hey, if he hadn't of dumped me like that - I wouldn't have met Mr.B and I wouldn't be living the happiness that I do now. It took some time, but I see now that it was a matter of me being set free to find opportunity for greater happiness.

[westernxer]

I dumped the last girl I went out with and haven't made contact since. It hurt me to do it, but I had no choice, because she wasn't playing fair (she was 27 going on 20... wanted to date other people before making her mind up). I wasn't about to put up with that, so I let her go and haven't contacted her since, even though she tried to go back on her decision when she found out I was dumping her.

 

It's probably different for everyone, but I had to dump her to save my own ass. I had a lot invested, at least from an emotional standpoint, and I wasn't going to let her fickleness get the best of me. I was a fool for opening myself up to her, but once her true colors surfaced I changed course and sailed away.

 

I've gone out with other girls since then, but nothing serious. I'd reconsider with this girl if only she were more contrite, but she's selfish and inconsiderate, and she gets whatever she deserves.

 

Not the first time I dumped someone, just the first time in which I felt so strongly about the other person. Hopefully I won't have to do it again.

[alphamale]

i was married for 3 yrs then divorced her and i have not seen or talked with her since 1997. I have no desire. Too many bad things happened and in the end I realized I didn't care that much for her anyways...

[JS17]

Thanks all for your responses. I'm pretty sure I just wasn't cut out for the dating world. I'm just incapable of turning my back on anyone.

[alphamale]

I'm pretty sure I just wasn't cut out for the dating world.

don't be so hard on yourself JS17

[JS17]

Well Alpha, you know how some people know they weren't cut out for a certain career or a 9-5 life or living in a city.....that's the way I feel about dating. I just am not cut out for it. It's pretty simple.

[westernxer]

I'm definitely not cut out for the dating world either, but I realize I have to do it sooner or later, now that I have some free time again.

[heartnsoul]

Being in the singles pool is discouraging at times. Just when you think you've met someone who will stand the test of time

 

Things happen when we least expect them to so, keep that in mind. We just happened to get involved with the wrong ones.

[Gottabestrong]

If you are still looking for answers to your original question:

 

I have. We were together for 3 years, engaged for 1.

 

I broke up with him but let him stay at my place for a few more weeks till he found a new place. After 2 months I went on vacation. Before I left I told him to please be gone when I came home a month later. He was. I was so relieved and never regretted my decision.

 

Now that did not mean that I hated him or never had cared about him. Only I knew that this relationship was not working out for me anymore, and I felt that I had tried to talk to him about it and make this relationship work for 1 million times. So I did not have any regrets or guilty feelings.

 

I did not mean to never speak to him again, or wished bad things upon him. I only wanted to get distance between him and myself and make him realize that our relationship is truely over and there was zero chance of reconcilliation.

 

When he contacted me 2 years later for my birthday, I was happy to hear from him and start a casual email friendship. That was 4 years ago and now we have contact about once every two months via email.

 

I am sure that him not being in contact with you does not mean that you are not cut out for the dating world, only that he feels you two should not be in a relationship with each other.

 

The right guy for you is out there somewhere.

[JS17]

I am sure that him not being in contact with you does not mean that you are not cut out for the dating world, only that he feels you two should not be in a relationship with each other.

 

Thanks for your story. This kind of went in a different direction than intended.

 

On the OP...I'm happy that the relationship is over, don't get me wrong. He was borderline verbally abusive. It kills me that I even spend any time thinking about him but I did care about him then and it hurts that he didn't care about me. I'm pretty sure he left me for the woman that he's still with so he probably did as LB said and just never looked back, he didn't care about me anyway so it would make sense that he wouldn't care to find out how I took everything or to see if I was ok. I don't even want to talk to him or let him know but it would have made me feel a lot better to maybe believe that I hadn't made such a big mistake and that maybe he just cared a little bit. I know I have just been setting myself up for disappointment. I went out last night and met a lot of guys but I still wake up hurt by him all the time.

 

For the other part....I'm not cut out for the dating world because I care too much, about everything, and I just end up getting hurt. He's not the first or even the last guy I've been burned by. I never developed the thick skin that everyone seems to have. I wish I had it, really. I think it's just easier to be alone than to deal with attachment and pain, to me, that's all a relationship is.

[Drivetildriven]

It seems to me that unless your're really not paying attention, you know the person you're dating after the first year or so. Who they are, their morals, values, habits, and what they aspire to be, etc. So I don't accept the good old, "I fell out of love," or "My feelings changed." Those are cop-outs for someone who should have ended the relationship before they let it get too serious. Or, just wants to date around until they find that one perfect person whom they'll have a blissful relationship with the rest of their lives. Those are the kind of people that end up dying alone surrounded by their 20 cats.

[alphamale]

Well Alpha, you know how some people know they weren't cut out for a certain career or a 9-5 life or living in a city.....that's the way I feel about dating. I just am not cut out for it. It's pretty simple.

I think everyone feels like this at sometime or other....relationships with the opposite sex are very hard even under the best of circumstances...

[JS17]

I think everyone feels like this at sometime or other....relationships with the opposite sex are very hard even under the best of circumstances...

 

I know, thanks for the support. I've kind of always had this feeling though. Some people just weren't meant to be in a relationship. I wish westernxer the best of luck but I just don't believe that I have to get back into dating sooner or later. Probably being stuck in bed sick on a gloomy Sunday doesn't help me think positively either

[johan]

I broke up with my girlfriend 3 weeks ago. I did the breaking up. I set it up so that there would be no excuse for contact. I took everything of mine she had and gave her all her stuff back. I did it instantly and cleanly so that I wouldn't have to face her for any reason except for her calling me to reveal her real feelings.

 

I have no intention of calling her. I'm sometimes tempted to, and I get down about it.

 

If she calls me to chat, I'll cut it off. I'm not her buddy. If she can't bring something real and meaningful to the table after over 3 years, then I consider that disrespectful to our relationship and I'll reject it.

 

I'm not always sure I'm doing the right thing, but I haven't come up with anything better, because I spent a long time doing everything else that seemed right. None of it worked.

 

It's not the same as your situation, JS17. Try not to think of yourself as a failure. Maybe you can learn some things, and do better next time. Make sure there's a next time though. Any effort you can make to keep a positive attitude now will pay off for you in the future.

[JS17]

Maybe you can learn some things, and do better next time.

 

Do better next time? It's not my fault that he was abusive. When it became apparent to me that what he was doing was not normal I tried to get out of the situation.