Lostinmyhead Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 I've posted before about my unhealthy coping of the ending of my 14 year relationship with my highschool sweetheart. I have now been with the rebound divorcing guy for 3 months. I keep trying to end things, but I'm allowing myself to be manipulated into staying every time, as he and his kids love bomb me. I have contact with my ex a few times a month, although i went a full month NC but finally asked how my dog was as i was too depressed to care for her properly when we broke up. He immediately threw not bread crumbs but whole loaves of bread at me. My current boyfriend knew from the start i was in no shape for a relationship but he pressured and was persistent and I eventually relented. I know I need to be by myself. I've never known myself as an adult...never been alone. I have a great career but otherwise I feel like a teenager. I don't know how to do some basic things for myself. I just need...to let go of this fear. I can't. I'm still in IC and my current boyfriend has had me join him with his therapist a few times because he wants us to be together for the rest of our lives. I can't help but roll my eyes, and I'm sure whoever reads this will too. I just need to vent. I logically see all the issues but if navigating emotions with logic was that easy this forum wouldn't exist. Thanks for any replies and reading. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 I’m going through a 15 year breakup myself so just offering my support. Letting you know you are not alone in this struggle. I have never been alone either but for me I have finally reached a point where I want to give aloneness a try. I have read a ton of posts here and some self help books and the thing is, being alone is the only way to learn to be yourself and to work on that internal dialogue with yourself. This dialogue is how you will be able to break the bonds of your childhood trauma and learn to be kind to yourself. Out of this kindness you can then learn self love. Self love is about knowing your boundaries. Knowing your boundaries gives you the courage to speak your truth in a relationship and work toward getting your needs met. Knowing your boundaries also gives you the courage to walk away sooner if something does not feel right. I have always struggled to walk away when I should have and lost myself in the process as things just got deeper and darker. I know you mention that you have depression but I wonder if being alone for a while will help you to regulate without having to worry about so much external stimulation. (Hugs) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinmyhead Posted June 26, 2019 Author Share Posted June 26, 2019 Appreciate it. I still need to fully NC the ex because while I'm able to go a few days now without him crossing my mind after 14 years living together since we were 16...when we do have contact it throws me off so much. I miss the dreams I had for us. My new bf is willing to be a surrogate for them, but it's not fair for any of us involved, despite both our therapists thinking it has potential and "it doesn't have to be rebound". I have abandonment issues and I'm afraid of being alone. I just wish I had the courage to be alone and find ME. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 Not gonna lie, I am still very conflicted. I get more conflicted when I have contact with the ex. On Monday I woke up and felt amazing. I was really feeling like I was getting myself back. Monday aft ex texted me. I replied. Been a mess since then. NC is truly an amazing tool. I just can’t wait until he gets all his stuff out so I can block him. As for being alone. You will get there if and when you get there. Life is a long journey. It will happen when you are ready. At 47 years. I can say I am ready...(I think...lol). Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Don't let your current BF or his children love bomb you into making you want to stay. If you feel compelled to leave, just leave. Don't be manipulated into staying if it's a rebound. It isn't healthy. At this point, they really aren't being fair to you, nor you to yourself by staying. He knows the situation and he should just let you go. It's selfish of him. But you above all, need to find a way to break it off and have sometime for yourself. As for the ex, I know fourteen years of history isn't easily dismissed, but stick to your guns with NC. It's the best way to start the healing process. Memories will remain but you'll heal in time. Trust me on that. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 What are you even doing near his kids at only 3mths , it should be more like at least 12 , 18 is better. So now you see why. He's an idiot for even letting you meet them yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 It's your chance to move on properly or screw it up royally and cause yourself more problems. You know the way. Take it for better long term or not. It's your decision. Why let others run your life when you should be doing that Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinmyhead Posted June 28, 2019 Author Share Posted June 28, 2019 Yeah...everything everyone is saying makes sense, although I'm surprised both our therapists think we're good for each other. We have spent 85+ days together for some amount of time so it was intense fast. Red flags all around, I just stupidly ignored them because I was devastated over my ex. Not an excuse...just trying to not fall apart. Link to post Share on other sites
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