rainbow12 Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 This is about my mother, We have a family friend who has a 18 year old son whom called James, but the problem is he keeps messaging my mum when he's feeling down, lonely and depressed, His own mother doesn't help much, he lives with his dad and he is a good dad but he works all day. My mum has had lot of problems of late and has been trying to deal with them but he keeps texting her with his problems and he cries on the phone, he has counselling but it's overwhelming my mum. We had to bury our family dog and my brother has special needs so she got a lot on her plate what should she do? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 Can your mom refer this 18 year old back to his mom? As overwhelmed as your mom is, it sounds like this kid really needs a lifeline & your mom is it. That is hard on your mom but I hate to think what happens to James if she quits on him. Can you take over & be James' shoulder to cry on for a while. I am very sorry about your dog. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 If you know anyone, you can always try to refer him to someone who you feel he can relate to that can help him. Or, you can do what d0nnivain suggested, you can try taking over for her for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 Nice photo!! I think your Mother or you or his Mother or Father needs to sit James down and give him a talk. ( I would be quite good at this type of thing I am just thinking!) Explain you have your own family needs and commitments and you are feeling quite stressed yourself with all that is going on in your own life at the moment, You are willing to meet up for a coffee once a month or so but you cannot be always available, Perhaps look up good counsellors in your area and recommend one for him. can you also encourage him to groups interacting with his own age groups and entice him into participating in sports and so on. should be ok this chap but just needs a few tools to start standing on his own two feet and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbow12 Posted June 26, 2019 Author Share Posted June 26, 2019 (edited) Can your mom refer this 18 year old back to his mom? As overwhelmed as your mom is, it sounds like this kid really needs a lifeline & your mom is it. That is hard on your mom but I hate to think what happens to James if she quits on him. Can you take over & be James' shoulder to cry on for a while. I am very sorry about your dog. I can't refer him to his mum because his mum is useless and doesn't care about James. I don't think James would want me to be his shoulder to cry on because he always prefers my mum because she understands better and he would want my mum to do something for him like sponsors work, I wouldn't understand all that. He sees my mum as a mother figure and he can't seem to let go of her and be a man and move on with his life. Also, the reason why I think im not good to be a shoulder to cry on is because I don't think it's worth it because James is....a compulsive liar, he lied to my mum about being sexually assaulted and near the time he invented something else about kids wanting his lame bike and tried to grab him. He needs professional help but instead he's just harassing my mum. This James is too screw up to be fix by me or my mum. Edited June 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 I can see why it bothers you, but this is for your mom to decide what to do on. I agree it's a burden on her, but it's her burden, not yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbow12 Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 I can see why it bothers you, but this is for your mom to decide what to do on. I agree it's a burden on her, but it's her burden, not yours. My mum knows all about me writing on the forum about it, She agreed to it. It may be her burden but....it doesn't mean it don't effect me. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 (edited) No, I'm sure it does affect you. But she's the adult and she's who has to make a boundary if that's what she thinks is best. I hate to burden you further, but if you want to make it less of a burden on your mom, you could maybe help free up some of her time by running errands for her or doing more chores. That's about all that is within your control. If this person was 17, you could call CPS, but he's a legal adult now, so there's no one going to interfere. If there are other children underage in the house and you think there is abuse or neglect there, you could report it to CPS and see what, if anything, they find. If you live somewhere that has "Big Brother" organization, you might try to get him involved in that, or any other mentoring organization, youth organization. Could be a police or first responder program or a church program that mentors youth. He's too old for her to adopt and she can't make him do anything because he's an adult except make him stop if she wants to go that route. Are you sure he isn't just hanging around for your mom's home cooking or something? I've seen teen boys do that. They eat a lot. If there's any sign of that, hand him a package of bologna and a loaf of bread and a bottle of mustard once a week and tell him to take them home with him. That's cheap enough. I realize it's more than that, but you never know it could be a component if she has been feeding him some. "Hon, I don't have time to stop right now, but here, I want you to take this home with you so you have something to snack on and I'll see you next week." Edited June 27, 2019 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 If he's a church member, hopefully not your mother's church, she might have a word with the youth pastor and ask him to drop by and try to involve him in "helping him" with youth activities, make him feel wanted and get him something to do. Is he neither working nor going to school? He should be doing one or the other and this is part of the problem. I have actually enrolled a high school kid in acting class before when I saw a need to get them involved in something. So your mom could encourage him to get back in school if he's not or get a job at the corner sacking groceries. This will take up a lot of his time and exhaust him and make him new friends to lean on and put some $$ in his pocket and most importantly, help his self-esteem. Yes, it should be his own parents making him do this, but it's not out of line to make it sound attractive to him and let him come up with the idea on his own! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbow12 Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 (edited) Can your mom refer this 18 year old back to his mom? As overwhelmed as your mom is, it sounds like this kid really needs a lifeline & your mom is it. That is hard on your mom but I hate to think what happens to James if she quits on him. Can you take over & be James' shoulder to cry on for a while. I am very sorry about your dog. If he's a church member, hopefully not your mother's church, she might have a word with the youth pastor and ask him to drop by and try to involve him in "helping him" with youth activities, make him feel wanted and get him something to do. Is he neither working nor going to school? Thank you for your advise but I think my mum is going to just ignore him. I agree it's for the best. Edited June 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Ignoring a person who is depressed could set them on a further downward trajectory. Does she really want THAT on her shoulders? Rather than ignoring and leaving him desperately wondering what went wrong, I think she needs to tell him that she can't help him in the way he needs and give him contact details of people who can help. If he calls, she could ask if he's spoken to the people she's referred him to. Does he see a psychiatrist? Sounds like one of the first places to start. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Well, it does sound like it's mostly texting, and no one has to answer random texts if they're too busy for it. I hope he's getting enough food and also hope someone puts him into school or to work soon because that is the immediate solution. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Work and school will have far better outcomes if mental health is addressed first. Mental health is a huge cause of school drop outs and inability to sustain a job. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 So it says he has counselling. Hope he keeps going to it. That's who he needs to talk to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbow12 Posted June 28, 2019 Author Share Posted June 28, 2019 Ignoring a person who is depressed could set them on a further downward trajectory. Does she really want THAT on her shoulders? Rather than ignoring and leaving him desperately wondering what went wrong, I think she needs to tell him that she can't help him in the way he needs and give him contact details of people who can help. If he calls, she could ask if he's spoken to the people she's referred him to. Does he see a psychiatrist? Sounds like one of the first places to start. She shouldn't have James on her shoulder in the first place. He is having counselling as he claims, i don't know if that's true or not but his father must of said he is having counselling but if he is down in a trajectory which he is already it's not really my mums problem it's James dad burden because he is the father to him and my mum is not the mother to James so it's not her responsibility to deal with him. He is a adult and he should help himself out. James should have the knowledge already that my mum can't always be available it's obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 rainbow12 James is a troubled CHILD. If his mother doesn't care & he's acting out in the ways you describe he needs help. Your mother is a wonderful person to help him. While she has no legal obligation to take him on, she may have a moral one. If James truly has no one else, your mother is showing a great deal of compassion by trying to listen to this troubled teen. You would do well to learn from her example. Your mom MAY need to be more effective in enforcing her boundaries but I can't help but wonder if there's a bit of jealousy behind your question. Your mother is an adult who presumably can solve her own problems & who has resources to redirect James if she found him overwhelming. She is not posting. You are. If you were as alone as & desperate as you paint James to be, wouldn't you want somebody to help you? Try looking at this from his perspective. Yes, it's bad that he lied but it seems like he has poor self esteem & nobody ever taught him good coping skills. He lies to get attention & affection because he's so starved for both & doesn't know a better way to cry for help. Try befriending him. No you can't be a mother figure to him because you are more his contemporary but you may be able to model better behavior for him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 I'm just thinking your mom may be in no way qualified to help him with his mental issues. That is what his counselling if for. It would be good to ask him if he is in counselling or not. Be sure he is. Put in a call to his dad if he's not and tell him he's depressed and reaching out and crying and he needs to be in counselling or back in counselling. If he should start making suicide threats, just call the police on him immediately. That way, if he's just doing it for attention, he won't do that again. If he's serious, he'll get sent to the hospital for mental review. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbow12 Posted June 28, 2019 Author Share Posted June 28, 2019 (edited) rainbow12.....James is a troubled CHILD. If his mother doesn't care & he's acting out in the ways you describe he needs help. Your mother is a wonderful person to help him. I'm 23 years old, I'm a adult so i'm not jealous over a little boy. The reason why it effects me is because I live with my mum, I put up with her mental stress and her feeling down so it's going to irritate me when someone not making her life easy. It's understandable because i'm her daughter. I wouldn't care so much about this if i lived away and had a family of my own but I don't, I live with my mum and i see every single person wanting her attention everyday so it's going to get to me. It has nothing to do with jealously. I'm just looking out for her and giving her advise. James needs professional help and i hope for his sakes he gets better, I can't help him. my mum made a decision already so...i don't want to talk about this now and i want to close this thread because...it's now sorted. Edited June 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted June 29, 2019 Share Posted June 29, 2019 Thread closed per thread starter's request. Thanks all for your responses! Link to post Share on other sites
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