ItsameMaria Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 My husband and I are in the beginning of a separation. He made the mistake of opening our marriage and I fell in love with a woman. I told him I no longer love him. Our lives are extremely meshed. We run a business together which I operate from our home. At this point, he wants me out because I’m the one who wants to separate. I said fine by the kids are coming with me bc I’m their caretaker. He said no. I said then I’m not leaving. How do other couples makes this work when it’s a one sided separation? Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 By using lawyers (sorry to point to the obvious). 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsameMaria Posted June 26, 2019 Author Share Posted June 26, 2019 This is way before any lawyers need to get involved. We’re not planning on divorcing anytime soon. We’re at the point where no one wants to change the current living situation. But he believes I should. Not sure a lawyer can help with that. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 It doesn't matter what he believes. It's about what the law says. At a more personal level, do you really want to continue with a man who takes this approach about divorce? You're now getting an insight into who he truly is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsameMaria Posted June 26, 2019 Author Share Posted June 26, 2019 At a more personal level, do you really want to continue with a man who takes this approach about divorce? You're now getting an insight into who he truly is. Oddly enough, this is all being approached semi civilly. He doesn’t want my new relationship in his face, valid point, so we decided to sell the house. But until that happens, and it could take a while, he feels I should’nt be here. I truly feel such deep remorse for changing all of our lives so drastically. He’s saying i just get it all, a new love, the house, the kids etc and he loses everything. Another valid point. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Ah, I misunderstood. Thanks for the clarification. Yes, as the person who is leaving the marriage, he has a valid point that you should be the one who leaves the house. However you should get 50% custody of the children. Will the place you move to have room for the kids? If not, you might want more space. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 No point in even fighting about it. Things will be divided equally, including children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 You need to leave the house. I feel you are in a new relationship and moving toward divorce, it’s not healthy for anyone for you to stay in the home. You are entitled to 50% custody of the children and 50% of the marital assets. You can’t take the kids away from their father. It’s long since time to get yourself a lawyer... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 From a legal standpoint you have no obligation to leave the house. It is the marital home no matter how much each of you contributed financially and you both have a legal right to live there whilst you are still married. If you don't want to leave then all you have to do is to say "no" and he has no way to compel you to go. If he wants to force you to move then there is a well established procedure that he must follow. Part of that process is filing for divorce and settling the finances of your marriage formally. If for some reason he doesn't want to follow that procedure then there's very little he can do to get you our of the house if you don't want to go voluntarily. He will have to either accept the current living situation, or take action (ie. divorce) in order to change it. That is the legal situation. However if you want an amicable separation and a good co-parenting relationship in the future then it's better to find a more amicable solution. Since you are the one who has moved on to another relationship it makes sense for you to be the one to leave. Regarding the kids, what do you think is in their best interests? To remain in the house with their father, or to move with you to a new rental? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Do nothing until you see a lawyer, who will tell you your rights. We have no idea where you live, so we can't give you advice as to whether you should stay or go. Going may in fact put you at a disadvantage so know where you stand legally before you go anywhere. All very well to do this "amicably", but some will pull a lawyer on you as soon as they get you in a bad position. Separation and divorce tends to bring out the worst in some people... This is not really an amicable type situation, your husband is sore at you and will try to get back at you any way he can. So beware. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Both people that chose to get married should lose everything. The idea of marriage is insane in the first place Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 This is way before any lawyers need to get involved. We’re not planning on divorcing anytime soon. We’re at the point where no one wants to change the current living situation. But he believes I should. Not sure a lawyer can help with that. I'm curious why you would want to not divorce now since you are in love with a woman. It's obvious you guys won't reconcile. Why are you waiting to divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 He’s saying i just get it all, a new love, the house, the kids etc and he loses everything. Another valid point. Now we know what you get, and what he gets - who's thinking of what the kids get? What would be least disruptive to them? Given the changes in your relationship, divorce may very well be the best solution. But with children involved, their emotional comfort during the transition should be the focus and basis for decision making. Your husband may need to curb his angst, and you may need to put your love life on hold until things are settled... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 (edited) This is way before any lawyers need to get involved. We’re not planning on divorcing anytime soon. We’re at the point where no one wants to change the current living situation. But he believes I should. Not sure a lawyer can help with that. In my experience, the longer it drags, the worse it gets. Civility is neither here nor there tbh (I've known a few of 'civil' couples tear each other apart mercilessly) - you need to be practical and act swiftly, for everyone's sake - huge feat in the midst of such emotional turmoil... I get that it is super difficult. You can't let guilt guide you on this - it's about your children's future too. I would still say seek initial legal advice, at the very least to ease your mind and know where you stand in terms of what you can / should do in the situation you are in, especially since you work from home. You don't need to hire anyone on the spot; it's just so you get an idea of what's potentially coming. In agreement with your husband, you can also choose 'mediation' - essentially one lawyer for 2, trying to help solve the issues in order to preempt having to hire one lawyer each. And of course spare your H the pain of having to deal with your new partner. Edited June 27, 2019 by littleblackheart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 This is way before any lawyers need to get involved. We’re not planning on divorcing anytime soon. We’re at the point where no one wants to change the current living situation. But you just wrote that he wants you out and you're disputing what to do about your kids. This IS changing the current living situation. You need legal help to sort it out. If you make decisions now that you might not be happy with later (like leaving your kids) you will regret it later. They're not necessarily simple to change. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 And be aware that some lawyers will (in my opinion) exploit the difference between what you want and what the law "says" (or could be construed/interpreted to say) to allow you to pay them for longer that you might need to. Not always, but I've seen it happen personally. Completely hypothetical example: the law says 50/50 custody of children. But judge has discretion. So you ask for 70/30 and take it to court. Lot of money spent to get your 70/30. Then ex-spouse goes to appeal and gets a 50-50 ruling. Both lawyers, naturally, get paid throughout this process. Fun times... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Be aware of litigious lawyers, be up front with what you want but also understand that probate judges look favorably on civil resolution. They do not like having to go to trial and will push for conferences when a hearing approaches. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 And be aware that some lawyers will (in my opinion) exploit the difference between what you want and what the law "says" (or could be construed/interpreted to say) to allow you to pay them for longer that you might need to. It is true that it can happen, but it's quite rare. Working that way is soul destroying for a lawyer. They much prefer nicer work, where both spouses get along and act reasonably, than fighting a stressful, tooth and nail battle. Rather than eking every last drop out of you, they prefer to finish your case and move on to the next. In fact it is part of their oath that they must get the best possible outcome for the client, and that includes minimising their own fees. If they are regularly pumping up their fees by giving clients bad advice then they're sure to have a string of complaints. There are a few unscrupulous ones though, and that's why it's always worth seeing more than one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 This is way before any lawyers need to get involved. We’re not planning on divorcing anytime soon. We’re at the point where no one wants to change the current living situation. But he believes I should. Not sure a lawyer can help with that. If divorce is on the horizon, then you're better off lawyering up, getting the papers in order and moving forward. They'll be able to better advise you on your rights and the legality of the situation. The fact that you two own a business together should be reason enough to get a lawyer as that could be a difficult financial situation. The business is in both of your names and ANYTHING that happens with it is both of your liabilities. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 But you just wrote that he wants you out and you're disputing what to do about your kids. This IS changing the current living situation. Indeed. Life as you knew it OP - is over. I sincerely doubt that it’s possible, given the situation and the feelings involved, for the two of you to continue to cohabitation as if nothing has happened... not fair to each other, your new partner, and probably not in the best interest of the children. As hard as it is, you are going to have to deal with the consequences of your choices and that means, getting a lawyer and starting the process of separation and divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 The fact that you two own a business together should be reason enough to get a lawyer as that could be a difficult financial situation. The business is in both of your names and ANYTHING that happens with it is both of your liabilities. Oh goodness, yes. This could get very messy, and very costly should one of you decide to buy the other out of the business. Best to protect your financial interests - lots to lose here. Link to post Share on other sites
CassieS2 Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 (edited) I have some old friends who opened up their marriage. It too led to divorce and honestly why wouldn't it? When we choose this type of alternative lifestyle it leads to the demise of a traditional household. I'm sure your husband never thought his fantasies would lead to you finding a relationship outside of your marriage. Unfortunately, you have encountered what most people do when they have an open marriage - one or both individuals find a new partner. My suggestion may not be what you are wanting to hear but from where I sit, with having watched this unfold in people's life that I once knew, I would encourage you to take a step back from your sexual relationships and look at your life through the eyes of your children and the lens of the vows you took when you married your husband. Obviously, at one time you believed in a traditional marriage but over time and probably through insistence on your husband's part you gave into the idea of an open marriage. Slowing the process down and taking a break from all sexual activity will help you make the best decision for the long term. Currently, you are highly sexually charged and as we all know the best decisions are not made when we are "high" on anything. You will never regret taking a break and making a sound decision but if you make the decision to leave your marriage and your children in this way it could lead to lifetime of regret. Also, it would not be a bad idea to seek out a counselor for you and your husband. Best to you as you work through these issues. Edited June 28, 2019 by CassieS2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 The court doesn't care who files, or who's more 'wronged.' The court cares that neither of you is left destitute and falls dependent upon the welfare of the state. They do not want your kids to become welfare wards of the state. The court will demand that you make whatever split of assets is necessary to prevent that. "Fair" also includes fairness of equitable public interest. Who's the bigger A*** is not a question the court will entertain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsameMaria Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 Regarding the kids, what do you think is in their best interests? To remain in the house with their father, or to move with you to a new rental? They wouldn’t come with me. He’s proposing I leave, kids stay and I come back every morning to care for them and stay to work at our home office. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 He’s proposing I leave, kids stay and I come back every morning to care for them and stay to work at our home office. Do you agree that would be the best thing? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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