Just ended a two year long affair. How do you cope with the break up?

[Chickenisayt]

I am a MW that was having an affair with a MM for two years. Like many here it was first EA that eventually led to PA. We ended it this weekend (this isn’t the first time we’ve tried to end it) but it really felt like this was the last and final time. I know it’s for the best but I am so hurt right now and I just don’t know what to do. How do you move on, when your AP was basically around you almost every day (we worked together until I left the job) and are basically in contact everyday? I know some affairs here have been longer, but I don’t know... a part of me hoped this was going to continue for a long time.

 

And yes, I know I’m a terrible person because I’m a MW with a husband who has no clue about this affair and same for MM’s wife but I would like to hear from other men/women who have coped with the loss of someone they also loved but know they can’t be together.

Edited June 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[notmyfinestmoment]

It isn't that easy to walk away from a marriage (kids, finances, etc.) and I am assuming that is why the OP hasn't done so.

 

OP, I am really sorry that you are going through this. I am trying to cope with the loss as well (almost identical to your situation, only I am not married, he is). He and I are both stuggling as I'm sure both of you are. There is no easy fix, and the pain seems to get worse instead of better (it has been 6 weeks since we ended it). Give yourself some time to grieve. Know that it will get worse before it gets better, but believe it will get better at some point and the only way to get over it is to go through it.

 

Please keep posting...it really does help (except when people respond negatively, but the positive posts will get you through).

[lurker74]

OP, there are two answers to your question of coping. The first is simply time. We don't like that answer because we can't control it; we just have to wait for it to progress. But like time heals all wounds, it also lets feelings fade.

 

The second one is to remember that most of your feelings for your AP are a lie. That actually doesn't mean that you don't love him...or he you. But it means that the love is made of paper mache. It may seem strong but it's really thin and brittle. Why do I say that? Because your love for your AP was based on the fact that you had all of the wonderful parts of love - excitement, naughtiness, caring, fun, sex, hormones - without all of the real life crap that doesn't feel as good but actually strengthens and tempers love. Things like shares history and values, working together toward life goals, paying bills and cleaning the kitchen, fighting while knowing you won't leave and he won't leave.

 

So if time is difficult, focus on the fact that though the love may very well have been real, it was mostly a lie and brittle relationship that if you had the guts to pursue, very likely would have crashed on the rocks of real life. That is why so many people that leave marriages for their AP end the new relationship soon. Because suddenly it isn't all fun and naughtiness and then they realize that they duped themselves.

[AutumnMoon]

My advice is try to get a different job if you really want to quit.

 

From experience it will be incredibly hard to separate yourself from the situation if you see him every day.

[AutumnMoon]

OP, there are two answers to your question of coping. The first is simply time. We don't like that answer because we can't control it; we just have to wait for it to progress. But like time heals all wounds, it also lets feelings fade.

 

The second one is to remember that most of your feelings for your AP are a lie. That actually doesn't mean that you don't love him...or he you. But it means that the love is made of paper mache. It may seem strong but it's really thin and brittle. Why do I say that? Because your love for your AP was based on the fact that you had all of the wonderful parts of love - excitement, naughtiness, caring, fun, sex, hormones - without all of the real life crap that doesn't feel as good but actually strengthens and tempers love. Things like shares history and values, working together toward life goals, paying bills and cleaning the kitchen, fighting while knowing you won't leave and he won't leave.

 

So if time is difficult, focus on the fact that though the love may very well have been real, it was mostly a lie and brittle relationship that if you had the guts to pursue, very likely would have crashed on the rocks of real life. That is why so many people that leave marriages for their AP end the new relationship soon. Because suddenly it isn't all fun and naughtiness and then they realize that they duped themselves.

 

This is solid advice.

[Orokotikki]

"how do I get over my AP while staying married."

 

I can say with certainty I helped support my wife with her difficulties and emotions after her affair.

 

It would have gone much smoother if I had not discovered it on my own, but oh well.

 

Spouses are meant to support each other and be a team.

And yes, its not guaranteed, but if the marriage fails it is still taking steps to become a genuine and kind person, who cares enough not to inflict (or help in inflicting) suffering to fulfill their wants.

 

Which has all sorts of benefits, physically and holistically.

 

 

Disclosure helps actually END they affair, how many times and how many threads do you see with people being dragged back into their secret affair (which was 100% over!) last time, again and again.

 

It gives yourself support to really change and grow.

Best of luck.

Edited June 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Tristian]

After review I am sad to report that very few posts survived.

 

 

Those who heard from me take note that those continually seeking to create a hostile environment in the OM/OW forum are going to be facing stiffer penalties in the days to come so I would suggest grinding your axes elsewhere.

Edited June 28, 2019 by Tristian

[Daisy2013]

People have suggested investing into hobbies and things to stay busy. Reconnect with people you may have distanced yourself from. As someone stated here, time. It hurts. It hurts bad, and you miss him, and still love him. I found the key is just to accept what won’t be. When I worry, stress, become sad, one wonder what he is doing, I tell myself it doesn’t matter. Really, it doesn’t.

 

If you stay away, you will heal. If somehow you get together again, it will make the pain worse. Good luck, you can do it!

[Beentheretoooften]

OP, it’s been a week. That was the hardest week you will have as long you are and stay NC. This next week will be just a tad easier. When you get to 2,3,4 months out, you will begin to see the light. You do need to keep extra busy. More than usual. You probably can’t eat or sleep. That will pass. Exercise. Watch shows you love. Be around close friends. Post updates here. I PROMISE, it gets easier. Feels like you are just going through the motions? It’s ok. Head up. Keep moving.

[Chickenisayt]

The second one is to remember that most of your feelings for your AP are a lie. That actually doesn't mean that you don't love him...or he you. But it means that the love is made of paper mache. It may seem strong but it's really thin and brittle. Why do I say that? Because your love for your AP was based on the fact that you had all of the wonderful parts of love - excitement, naughtiness, caring, fun, sex, hormones - without all of the real life crap that doesn't feel as good but actually strengthens and tempers love. Things like shares history and values, working together toward life goals, paying bills and cleaning the kitchen, fighting while knowing you won't leave and he won't leave.

 

Thanks lurker74. Actually, all throughout our affair this is what I tried to do to keep myself grounded-- I know that if we managed to leave our spouses and be together, that there is a very high chance that we won't last. We were good friends before our affair and we've known each other for a long time, so I feel like we do know each other very well outside the EA/PA. Heck, I'm friends with his family too and he with mine. It's a very complicated relationship but I think it is good that it ended.

 

My advice is try to get a different job if you really want to quit.

 

I actually did leave my job and I moved across the country. However, because my job frequently (at least once or twice a month) flies me back to where he lives, we still see each other pretty often... it was great because we see each other when I fly in and we're both happy and excited but at the same time we both knew it wasn't healthy to keep seeing each other despite the circumstances.

 

Disclosure helps actually END they affair, how many times and how many threads do you see with people being dragged back into their secret affair (which was 100% over!) last time, again and again.

 

I do know that if I reveal this to my husband that my marriage will be over. I mean, chances are it already is over by having this affair (we have been married for 10 years). He doesn't give second chances to cheaters, and I know I am a terrible human being for doing this to him... I think maybe I'm just a very messed up person in general. I need therapy...

 

I found the key is just to accept what won’t be. When I worry, stress, become sad, one wonder what he is doing, I tell myself it doesn’t matter. Really, it doesn’t.

 

If you stay away, you will heal. If somehow you get together again, it will make the pain worse. Good luck, you can do it!

 

It's definitely easy to stay away because we live so far away from each other. But he has become part of my everyday life that now that he's gone, it feels like something is missing and it makes me wonder if he's thinking the same way too. I just miss him so much but I know that this is the right thing to do.

 

OP, it’s been a week. That was the hardest week you will have as long you are and stay NC. This next week will be just a tad easier. When you get to 2,3,4 months out, you will begin to see the light. You do need to keep extra busy. More than usual. You probably can’t eat or sleep. That will pass. Exercise. Watch shows you love. Be around close friends. Post updates here. I PROMISE, it gets easier. Feels like you are just going through the motions? It’s ok. Head up. Keep moving.

 

Thank you. Thank you to everyone who responded to my thread. I know that I shouldn't have had this affair to begin with, but like many... it just happened. And I ended up falling in love with this person even though I did my best not to. Now that he's gone, it hurts like crazy and I'm trying to adjust to the fact that I'm unable to reach him whenever I want anymore. I think about him a lot and it hurts when I do it, but like someone mentioned, it'll take time.

 

I'm really glad to have found this community. I can't speak of this affair to anyone (can't really trust anyone), so I appreciate the animosity this forum brings.

[mark clemson]

Things to consider for reducing the distress: distractions, time with friends/socializing (boosts dopamine), time in nature (boosts serotonin), exercise (boosts endogenous opiates).

 

This should all help, but really what will help the most is time AND NC. I would strongly suggest minimizing contact as much as possible as contact is likely to re-trigger the feelings.

 

Consider researching the term limerence e.g. on Wikipedia, as that's probably what you're experiencing.

[SpiceCat]

One correction - you are not a terrible human being. You are a human being who did something terrible. You can come back from this..IF you are willing to put the work in.

 

First step would be admitting that it didn't 'just happen' - you allowed it to happen. Why?

[notmyfinestmoment]

Please know that you are not a terrible person. I was absolutely cringing at how your request for support turned into what it did. Most of us are here because we are/were in your shoes. We understand what you are going through and you will have no judgement from people like us. We are all here looking for support and answers ourselves because none of us went out looking for this. It happened and now we are all trying to figure out what to do. And no, not all WS are manipulative people. I believe many of them are lost souls and so are many of us.

 

So how do you get through it??? Again, I'm still trying to figure it out myself and everyone has a different path. Be patient with yourself! You may have set-backs (breaking no contact, or seeing each other). You many have to start from square one after you do that, but eventually, you will make it further and further in your recovery. This isn't a natural ending to a relationship..where one or both people are not in love anymore or aren't getting along. It is a very unnatural ending to a very unnatural relationship. You still love each other, you still want to be together, but you know it would hurt to many people. So you step back, trying to do the right thing, but sometimes doing the right thing doesn't feel good AT ALL.

 

Hang in there, keep posting when you need to talk. It looks like the moderator has made this a safer place for you to do that, so I hope you keep turning to us.

[Abetterme]

@Chicken - I am sorry you are hurting. It is a horrible situation, but I hope you stay resolute in your NC as that truly is the only way. Have a plan in place for times you might feel triggered, or if he breaks NC.

 

Above all, refocus on your family and get into therapy. This has been immensely helpful in getting me to the “whys” of my bad decision making. As a poster referenced above..this didn’t “just happen”. You made the choice, now it’s time to fix what is broken.

 

Research limerance as it will help you better understand the biochemistry behind what is making you feel in love with this person. I assure you, as you move farther from the A you will have a much different perspective.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with many of the suggestions about staying busy with exercise. Reconnect with your girlfriends and plan things for your family to do. It will get better but not without a lot of effort and work on yourself. Thinking of you!

[Zona]

Just because you think your marriage will immediately end if you confess, it doesn't mean it will. Although your husband may have said repeatedly that he would divorce a cheater, when faced with the situation himself, his feelings will likely change. We can assume he loves you deeply if he asked you to marry him, and that love won't just disappear into thin air.

 

 

If you want to heal faster from the affair, come clean to your husband. My reconciliation with my fWW would have been much easier if I didn't find out about it myself.

 

 

When you see the pain on your husband's face, it will give you a different perspective on the affair and help you close that chapter of your life.

 

And yes, you should get I.C. ASAP to try to better understand your faulty coping mechanisms and need for external validation.

 

On a positive note, at least you are not blaming your husband for the affair as most waywards do. The fact you are taking ownership of your bad choices bodes well for your future.

Edited June 29, 2019 by Zona

[oldlion]

I read your thread and two important things jumped out on what you wrote. One was you said you loved your AP and missed him so terribly bad. The other was something you didn't say. No where did you say you loved your husband. That he was a good or bad man. This leads me to believe that your husband is plan B, second choice, the consolation prize to ending the affair. If your husband is like most men, then this would be the catalyst that would end a marriage. No man wants to be his wife's second choice unless he already has another woman waiting in the wings. You are not only cheating on your husband but you are cheating him out of the time he could be having in a relationship where he has a woman that actually loves him and makes him her number one choice. I'm not saying to tell your husband about the affair. I am saying that he deserves better, so if you love and want the AP, over your husband, then tell your husband you don't love him anymore and you want a divorce. Give the man a break. Either make him your number one choice or cut him loose so he can find someone that will. I do wish you well.

[notmyfinestmoment]

How are you doing??? Please don't be afraid to post if you have a setback!

[Chickenisayt]

Hey everyone, thank you all for your messages!

 

It has been a few weeks since our "break up," and the first week was really rough. We are doing well with NC but we did see each other a few days ago for dinner together with his wife (yeah, complicated, I know). There were times when his wife left us alone, but we both seemed okay and just talked briefly about the new arrangement (of NC). Tonight is a bad night as I am missing him again and want to reach out, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

 

I don't ever plan to tell my husband about this affair, but I am going to therapy now and hope to make sense about the things I've done wrong. I will go ahead and check out limerence as well like some of you suggested.

 

@oldlion, I do love my husband and that is why it is killing me that I did this to him. I know he deserves better, but I am also a selfish coward.

[oldlion]

I made it a statement in my last post, this time I will ask the question. Is your husband or the AP your first choice or is your husband your plan B or the consolation prize for ending the affair? As I said before, I'm not telling you to tell your husband about the affair but be honest with yourself. How would you feel if you discovered your husband had been sleeping with your AP's wife the last two years? Also, what are you going to tell your husband is the reason for the therapy? I do wish you well.

[SpiceCat]

Hey everyone, thank you all for your messages!

 

It has been a few weeks since our "break up," and the first week was really rough. We are doing well with NC but we did see each other a few days ago for dinner together with his wife (yeah, complicated, I know). There were times when his wife left us alone, but we both seemed okay and just talked briefly about the new arrangement (of NC). Tonight is a bad night as I am missing him again and want to reach out, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

 

I don't ever plan to tell my husband about this affair, but I am going to therapy now and hope to make sense about the things I've done wrong. I will go ahead and check out limerence as well like some of you suggested.

 

@oldlion, I do love my husband and that is why it is killing me that I did this to him. I know he deserves better, but I am also a selfish coward.

 

I have no words of wisdom but I wish you the best of luck.

[Chickenisayt]

Hey y'all,

 

Just an update: Former AP and I ended our NC, but we would only talk if we needed to. About a week ago, he told his wife about our affair. I am at a loss for words; honestly, I don't really know how to feel right now. I don't know how this will affect my relationship with my husband but at the same time I knew this was going to happen sooner rather than later. His wife met up with me and told me that there is a big chance that she will leave him, but I pleaded for her not to do that and to give him another chance. I have no intention of reaching out to my former AP, but I'm so scared of what's going to happen from this point on.

[elaine567]

Why did he decide to tell his wife about the affair and name you too?

[Amethyst68]

There are actually MM/MW who regret the affair, who feel guilt and confess to their BS without a DDay. They then commit to answer any question the BS has, including who the name of the AP. I don't think it's the quick knee jerk response of throwing AP under the bus that happens in an unexpected DDay but more a shift in priorities, if they've confessed and wants to make their marriage work then their focus is going to be on meeting their BS's need.

 

Of course there are MM/MW who confess because they want to leave, you tend not see those stories here because of the nature of the forum but it does happen!

[Turning point]

Just an update: Former AP and I ended our NC, but we would only talk if we needed to. About a week ago, he told his wife about our affair. I am at a loss for words; honestly, I don't really know how to feel right now.

 

A few observations:

 

First, is how you look externally for validation. Example: "I don't really know how to feel right now." ..and then, each time you meet with MM you tell us how you now feel. You also now seem to hinge your future on the decisions of his wife.

 

Secondly, the whole NC was a delusion. You can't sit down to dinner with your AP and his wife and call that "No Contact." There is no "except for.." if you are in NC. You'll want to figure out who you were trying to fool. Was it yourself, the MM, or just the observers on this site?

 

On a more detailed aside, there are no circumstances in which that kind of dinner arrangement is OK. I won't bother to explain why, but recovery for you will involve coming to terms with how and why you were able to do that to another person. If his wife leaves him, hindsight of this occasion will be one of the precipitating factors. (It may well be what caused him to confess.)

 

Third, you will need to deal with your fear. Your fear shows when you tell his wife not to leave him. There's no logic to that save for the personal consequences it might have for you, your career, and your own marriage. It also assuages guilt. You're going to need help on how to deal with this fear going forward. Your secret is now out and you no longer control what happens on the periphery of this affair.

 

MM telling his wife may not end your affair but, it more than likely precludes him from ever truly committing to you. I won't explain that either but taken together with your need for external validation it gives good reason for you to take inventory of your personal vulnerability.

 

Finally, is the vulnerability regarding your husband. You believe he is in the dark about the affair, but he is most assuredly not without observation about the changes in you and your marriage. While on this journey to a double life, your husband's mind is not on pause. The affair may be of little consequence to his own evaluation of your marriage. It's not unusual for a spouse to exit what they assess as a toxic situation without any need to identify the poisons. Are you prepared for the possible opening of a second front?

Edited August 10, 2019 by Turning point

[Dreamer2017]

DearChickenisayt,

 

Earlier in your post, you stated you were friends with you AP’s family. After your AP exposed the entire affair, I believe he has given her a tremendous amount of information. Don’t be surprised if the betrayed wife will contact your husband and expose all of your hidden activities. Please don’t inflict on him additional pain by him getting the information of your betrayal from someone else. I hope you have some dignity left and be truthful to your husband. Your husband deserved to hear the truth from you. Give him that respect.

 

Best,

Dreamer