Just ended a two year long affair. How do you cope with the break up?

[BaileyB]

Well, this is a first on this board. A woman who went to dinner with her affair partner and his wife, only to claim they were doing “no contact.”

 

It’s amazing how your feelings for your affair partner change when he tells his wife and she now has the power to blow up your marriage. If I was the wife, that is the first thing I would do in this situation.

 

You may want to try and get out in front of that OP.

[anika99]

His wife is most likely going to tell your husband at some point. Right now she is still processing the betrayal and probably hasn't found her anger yet but at some point it's going to hit her just how utterly disrespectful it was of you to not only mess with her husband but then have the audacity to sit at her dinner table and pretend nothing was amiss. Oh she's gonna get mad and so you would be wise to confess to your husband now before she gets to him. If he has to hear it from her first it will be all that much worse.

[BaileyB]

At some point it's going to hit her just how utterly disrespectful it was of you to not only mess with her husband but then have the audacity to sit at her dinner table and pretend nothing was amiss. Oh she's gonna get mad and so you would be wise to confess to your husband now before she gets to him.

 

This is it.

 

Although, based on your other thread you are well on your way out the door... Perhaps, it won’t matter to you as much if you husband was to discover the truth.

[BaileyB]

We are doing well with NC but we did see each other a few days ago for dinner together with his wife. There were times when his wife left us alone, but we both seemed okay and just talked briefly about the new arrangement (of NC).

 

I’m still envisioning the fact that you went for dinner with his wife, while you were “no contact.” I can only imagine the conversation when she left the table...

 

You: So, how is no contact going for you?

Him: Well, thank you. I’m keeping busy...

You: Yeah, me too. I miss you sometimes, but I think it will get better with time...

 

That’s just silliness. I hate to say it OP, but reality is about to hit you hard. I’d be in damage control, if I was you...

Edited August 10, 2019 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Although, based on your other thread you are well on your way out the door... .

Chickenisayt only has one thread.

[BaileyB]

Chickenisayt only has one thread.

 

Goodness, I had her confused with another woman who is also cheating and currently considering leaving her husband. My apology.

[Chickenisayt]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for your responses. This is really the only place where I can speak my mind and I'm glad that you are letting me and that you are also freely speaking your mind.

 

Yes, I do plan to tell my husband about the affair now that it's out in the open. It will be hard, and he will most likely leave me, but that's what I get for being a WS.

 

@BaileyB, I don't have any ill feelings towards my AP if that's what you meant by "It’s amazing how your feelings for your affair partner change." I do understand why he did what he did, although it caught me off guard but I definitely understand. I don't blame him for that.

 

With regards to the NC thing, yes, it might have been a delusion but we did try to never contact each other again and I guess it just didn't work out since we were still contacting each other (though we weren't meeting up secretly anymore).

 

Today, I feel so empty and I don't know what to do. I've been suffering from depression for a few years now, and this situation is definitely making it worse... but I am well aware that this is the consequences of my actions.

[Turning point]

Today, I feel so empty and I don't know what to do. I've been suffering from depression for a few years now, and this situation is definitely making it worse... but I am well aware that this is the consequences of my actions.

 

It's a consequence of inaction.

 

An affair is like standing on a train platform but never getting on board, or going anywhere. Other people like your AP and the two BS step onto and off the platform while you play your part but, when the trains stop running you're still standing there in the same place where you started. Your life in that setting is dissipated in tiny little pieces of other people's priorities.

 

Make a decision. If you want to end the depression then you have to make a choice and then move in that direction. Put one foot in front of the other. You can't resolve your life in one great leap but, you can certainly take just one step forward at a time.

Edited August 11, 2019 by Turning point

[Chickenisayt]

Turning point, thank you for your words of wisdom. I am emotionally and mentally unstable at the moment but I hope that I will see things more clearly in the future.

 

I wish I could turn back time, but all I can do now is live the consequence of what I have done.

[Zona]

I am emotionally and mentally unstable at the moment.

 

You might want to hold off telling your husband until you can stabilize yourself. Are you getting I.C. currently? If not I would highly recommend it.

 

The fallout will be likely way more intense than you could ever imagine. You need to get yourself into a better place mentally before you take that on.

[Chickenisayt]

You might want to hold off telling your husband until you can stabilize yourself. Are you getting I.C. currently? If not I would highly recommend it.

 

The fallout will be likely way more intense than you could ever imagine. You need to get yourself into a better place mentally before you take that on.

 

Yes, I am getting IC, for a lot of reasons but if course it includes this affair too. I’ve contemplated suicide, but I admire the people on this website that their lives still go on after. I’ve prepared myself for the worst case scenario since this affair not only affected my family and his family but the people around us too. Sometimes I feel like I’m just not strong enough to live out the consequence.

 

And yes I do know I got myself into this mess. I am very well aware of that.

[Abetterme]

Hi OP - I just wanted to send you some support. You WILL get through this and come out the other side an improved version of yourself. I am very glad your are working with a counselor. I would consider discussing a plan for how to disclose this to your husband and think about what you can do moving forward to make him feel you are changing and can be a safe partner if he chooses to stay.

 

Harming yourself is not the answer, you have a family that needs you. Show them what resilience looks like. Having this weight off your shoulders may be the best thing for your mental stability moving forward. Thinking of you!

[BaileyB]

^^^ That’s very good advice. I’m also wishing you well.

[Zona]

And yes I do know I got myself into this mess. I am very well aware of that.

 

You can't change the past, you can only make better choices moving forward. The advice of talking to your I.C. to develop a plan on how and when you tell your husband is great. Not just how to tell you husband and family, but how to live an authentic life, putting all the lies and deception behind you.

 

Also, maybe your doctor can prescribe you something temporarily to stabilize your moods.

[oldlion]

Yes you did this to yourself even when you knew it was wrong. And yes you may have to endure dire consequences for your actions but it's not worth committing suicide over. There will come a time when your life will go back to something better than it is now. There is nothing in an affair that can be trusted. Now the pretty words, the feelings, the promises, the secrets nor the AP. Just remember this:

 

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

I do wish you well.

Edited August 13, 2019 by oldlion

[pennydrop]

I'm a single woman/no kids in the early stages of recovery from a 2.5 yr affair. Ending an affair feels much more like substance withdrawal than a normal breakup (e.g., obsessive thoughts, terminal uniqueness --"But we're different! [we're not]; He wasn't cheating on me too" [he was]; bargaining, denial...)

 

It's against the backdrop of my life's memories of actual (REAL) heartbreak after REAL love affairs that I've gained clarity: Unlike past breakups when I couldn't get out of bed because my tears glued me to my pillow, I realized I haven't cried once simply because I miss this person. Instead, any shallow crying that I do now comes from shame and fear, not getting any more feelgood texts or emails from him, not having anything to look forward to, and the desolate **** show my life had become in the years spent putting on a monkey suit and dancing so he'd like me -an effort so consuming that I couldn't step back and realize I could never, in real life, love him. Trust him. EVER.

 

The entire "love affair" from start to finish happened in my head. It was a story I told myself, sold myself.

 

I assigned him these noble, sexy, amazing attributes that I needed this man to have (he didn't)- and I reflected these back at him. He stole from me, just like he traded his wife: Together we made him the person he needed to be. But I was colluding for my own reasons, and these are what I'm sorting through.

 

 

Love isn't a compulsive liar; a user. Love protects, holds, and honors your heart. Love is erotic from the inside out. Love always wants what's best for you. Reach back. You remember love.

[Dreamer2017]

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