bluesunflower Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 My off/on ex and I have been completely broken up since April. I have had sex a few times since, and I cannot stop thinking about him the entire time. Each time I have even embarrassingly teared up but luckily it was discreet enough and I’d keep my eyes closed during those moments. When I’m talking to these hookups, I’m doing ok and a good bit of time can pass where I don’t think about my ex at all. But as soon as we have sex, he is all I can think about. I picture him in place of them and it gets me incredibly emotional. This has been a huge hinderance as I haven’t been able to enjoy sex and I just want it to be over with when it happens. It’s frustrating because I really want the company and affection and crave it constantly, but when it’s in front of me I don’t want it. But I do really enjoy the talking and hanging out aspect which usually is an hour or two before the actual sex happens. I’m really conflicted because I want to get back out there and meet new guys as that is usually what makes me feel better, and it does before we start to have sex. And I always want to have sex too until we actually begin and then I’m obsessing over sex with my ex. It is really affecting me. Is this common? I feel like I am going crazy. P.S. I know I can go on dates or hang out with guys without hooking up, but I genuinely do crave the sexual aspect while I am with them or before I meet up with them but it just goes away like a minute into it because I can’t stop thinking about my ex. So it’s something I always really want to do but thoughts of my ex ruin it every time. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Trying to use sex as a coping mechanism to get over your ex isn't working, OP. I do understand that you miss physical intimacy; that's completely normal. But I think you need to concede that it's just too soon and you will need to find a different way to process your emotions than going to bed with a different guy. It's not serving you well. I would advise you to stop dating and having sex for a while. Yes, it will be unpleasant to not have that sort of company. However, you clearly need time to really process the break-up and get comfortable being on your own. Sit with those unpleasant feelings and let yourself feel sad without turning to a guy to try to ease it. In another few months, you will likely feel more ready to truly date for the sake of meeting someone new rather than as a means to soothe your pain. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Give it time otherwise you will prolong this rut you're in. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 Crying during sex is the exact opposite of what should be going on. You're not ready to be having sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 More proof there's no such thing as casual sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 Sorry to say, but sounds like using sex as a coping mechanism doesn't work for you. It doesn't work for most people. Did your ex break up with you, or did you break up with your ex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 29, 2019 Share Posted June 29, 2019 It's only been 3 months, but IF it doesn't fade soon, consider talking to a therapist about this. Maybe even now since it's bothering you. This sounds a bit like the "mind movies" thing that happens frequently to BHs who stay with their wives. Perhaps your break up was emotionally traumatic? (Apologies if you posted about it, I haven't gone back to check PPs). Hope you are able to get past this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluesunflower Posted July 1, 2019 Author Share Posted July 1, 2019 I would advise you to stop dating and having sex for a while. Yes, it will be unpleasant to not have that sort of company. However, you clearly need time to really process the break-up and get comfortable being on your own. Sit with those unpleasant feelings and let yourself feel sad without turning to a guy to try to ease it. In another few months, you will likely feel more ready to truly date for the sake of meeting someone new rather than as a means to soothe your pain. Thank you for your input. I completely agree. Since posting this, I have not reached out to any of the guys that I have been seeing or talking to and have not touched any dating apps. The painful loneliness is what brought me to put myself into the dating world again but I'm not sure it helps. Sure, I wasn't lonely when I was surrounding myself with new people but then I think about my ex more, so a new, potentially more painful problem arises. It just feels like a lose/lose. But genuinely after this most recent experience I am so mentally exhausted that even merely thinking about going out with another guy right now tires me out. I spent last weekend back home with family and I'm spending the next two there as well to recharge. It felt good to go back to my roots and I think I will keep visiting and healing until I feel okay to be in the city on my own again during the weekends. Thanks again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluesunflower Posted July 1, 2019 Author Share Posted July 1, 2019 Give it time otherwise you will prolong this rut you're in. I'm definitely going to take more time. After the other big breakup I had years ago, I only felt okay to date four months after. This one is definitely going to take longer which is frustrating but I really do need to wait it out. Thanks for your input! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluesunflower Posted July 1, 2019 Author Share Posted July 1, 2019 Crying during sex is the exact opposite of what should be going on. You're not ready to be having sex. I agree. I thought it would take my mind off him and that I've earned it but it just felt really bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluesunflower Posted July 1, 2019 Author Share Posted July 1, 2019 More proof there's no such thing as casual sex. My ex used to always tell me about his "causal hookups." I honestly think I got the idea that this is normal and fun strictly from him. Everyone else I've been close to has a really low body count (or none at all) and do not like or want to try casual sex. Because he has slept with many women just one time and enjoyed it without any feelings attached, I assumed I could do the same. I was stupid for not looking at everyone else's experiences and just comparing him. I know now thankfully. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluesunflower Posted July 1, 2019 Author Share Posted July 1, 2019 Sorry to say, but sounds like using sex as a coping mechanism doesn't work for you. It doesn't work for most people. Did your ex break up with you, or did you break up with your ex? He broke up with me, which I'm sure is obvious from how sad I got from sleeping with someone else. And yes, it is definitely not a good coping mechanism for me which really does suck since I've been so lonely and it seemed like a great way to meet someone new/not be lonely/take my mind off my ex when in reality I was in more emotional pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluesunflower Posted July 1, 2019 Author Share Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) It's only been 3 months, but IF it doesn't fade soon, consider talking to a therapist about this. Maybe even now since it's bothering you. This sounds a bit like the "mind movies" thing that happens frequently to BHs who stay with their wives. Perhaps your break up was emotionally traumatic? (Apologies if you posted about it, I haven't gone back to check PPs). Hope you are able to get past this. I have told my therapist about this and will tell her this week about this particular hookup for sure. I think the reason she did not discourage it when I told her I planned on meeting him is past experience. For some reason, I was not all that upset with a guy who I hooked up with when we first broke up. I didn't think about my ex all that much and I certainly was not close to tears. It wasn't amazing by any means and my ex did cross my mind a few times and I'd feel a twinge of sadness, but I was able to push it down pretty easily. I think this is because I knew the nature of the off/on relationship and figured my ex would come back to me so I wasn't as upset. And I was right, we were back on shortly after that experience. I've had hookups since then that were not as upsetting, but no joke, they are getting more upsetting and hard to go through with time. I think because I've had a range of experiences, she thought it was okay to try again. I'm sure this time she will tell me I need time to be on my own. I think now that it has really set in that we are truly over, it has become harder to sleep with other people. Yes, my breakup was emotionally traumatic. Our last conversation in person was so hard to talk about that it took me four weeks to talk through in therapy. I kept trying to repeat what he had said to me but had to stop because it was that painful. He was verbally abusive pretty often, but really knocked it out of the park during our final time together. The conversation we had in that last meeting was what propelled me straight to therapy, but I spent weeks skirting around it because of the level of trauma it has produced. I still can't think about it without feeling sick. Edited July 1, 2019 by bluesunflower Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 Yes, my breakup was emotionally traumatic. Our last conversation in person was so hard to talk about that it took me four weeks to talk through in therapy. I kept trying to repeat what he had said to me but had to stop because it was that painful. He was verbally abusive pretty often, but really knocked it out of the park during our final time together. The conversation we had in that last meeting was what propelled me straight to therapy, but I spent weeks skirting around it because of the level of trauma it has produced. I still can't think about it without feeling sick. Fair enough. Apologies if I'm simply stating the obvious or covering something you've already posted about, but - it very much sounds like you're better off without this person in your life. Hope once you've fully crossed the bridge (of recovering from this guy) you'll be in a place where you can find someone who isn't verbally abusive like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluesunflower Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 Fair enough. Apologies if I'm simply stating the obvious or covering something you've already posted about, but - it very much sounds like you're better off without this person in your life. Hope once you've fully crossed the bridge (of recovering from this guy) you'll be in a place where you can find someone who isn't verbally abusive like this. Thank you for your thoughts; I really do hope that is the case! Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 More proof there's no such thing as casual sex. It's rare but it exists. Trust me Though now I am in a happy and healthy relationship..just to be clear! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts