Ten year friendship / suddenly cut off

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I had a friend and we were close.However, at the end of last year cut me off and blocked me off of social media without warning. How I found out about this? Her husband warned me & told me she was going to do this. He told me that he was going to get in trouble for warning me. He said he didn't want our friendship to end as we had a lot of history. He said the reason she wanted to block me off social media is because she thought I didn't care about her or her family. We live 10 hours away. Im pretty busy, so is he. The abruptness seem so bizarre.

 

She found out that her husband messaged me and said he doesn't represent her or speak on her behalf. She told me she thinks I have adhd from a survey we did ten years ago online. And that I need to get it checked. She is not a medical professional. This "advice" was in poor taste and I told her this. She accused me of accusing her of being a lyer as I don't remember this "survey done ten years ago online for goodness sake.

 

So I wrote her a letter, told her I will still be praying for her and that She is still loved.

 

A couple of months later she wrote me an email, expounding a list, including dates and times of when I screwed up as a friend. I told her I was sorry.

 

However I was broken. I told her I don't want to know her anymore. I wished her all the best but I was done.

 

She wrote me a few more emails but I didn't respond to any of them. Most of her emails were more details she left off of her list. I continued to ignore her emails.

 

I decided to then just detach myself from her. Even social media. I didn't hear from her. Until a few months later her husband told me that she had dreams about me and that She felt some shame in the way she handled things. I told him I wasn't ready to communicate. Eventually we spoke again and we forgave each other. I decided to converse with her when I tried to call because I wanted to make an arrangement to come see her in her city. She said just text me if I get there and she'll carve out some time. But because I have to arrange leave from work, I needed that conversation so that I can arrange it. She said she didn't want nostalgic phone calls on the phone anymore and she thought I demanded too many hours of her time on the phone even though I hardly ring. She told me she didn't notice my absence.

I was hurt again. I told her she was being a lousy friend and to stop switching the goal posts when it suited her.

 

 

A few months later she told me to stay at her house because she was going to a conference and her husband went that changed his life. She expected me to just arrange leave at the last minute and come stay with her at her house. It was a lot of money and not enough time.

I declined. And after all the hot and coldness. I wasn't okay with it & certainly wouldn't feel comfortable staying at her house.

 

Truth is I cannot trust her.

 

Her husband has stopped talking to me and she doesn't talk to me anymore. Quite frankly, I feel relief.

 

Is it okay to just cut her off ? I think I'm done.

 

Has anyone had this kind of thing happen to them? Can anyone offer advice? I feel like this is a toxic friendship and i would rather not know her.

 

Advice?

[preraph]

Sounds like it's time to move on. It's too bad people have to run it completely into the ground in stead of just transitioning to a polite acquaintanceship to just keep up without resentment, but a similar thing happened to me recently. I tried to just do the fade but she wanted to confront me but then didn't like what I said and got nasty. Oh, well.

 

You know, this bit about her reason is you don't care about her family, what does that even mean? You're 10 hours apart, so she can't be trying to use you to babysit. Is it just that she can't relate to anyone except another mother now (you may be a mother, I don't know) or she expects you to somehow benefit her kids with gifts or what? I have a close friend and she knows how I am. I had to just tell her I was there to see her and I cared about her kids' wellbeing but that's as far as it mostly goes and that I had old friends who weren't on my necessarily frugal Christmas list who would go on before anyone's kids. Doesn't mean i don't like them. But that's up to their family as far as I'm concerned.

 

It sounds like she's not getting the type of attention she wants from you, but on the other hand, she doesn't want to spend any time at it either. I just told my old friend the same thing about the phone calls. She had a habit of calling and talking nonstop to where you couldn't get her off the phone no matter how much I begged because I needed to get back to work. So you have to respect limits on such things and again, moderation in everything is best in general. But it's not like she's really trying to communicate. Of course, this part about you're not interested in my family may be because she literally has no other life other than family life and feels resentful to some extent and already knows that it's not going to be a lively interesting topic to you.

 

But again, moderation on both parts would solve this: You listening to her and how her family is doing briefly and her listening to your brief catchup on your own life. That's how civilized people do it.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I like talking about her family. The blocking off social media was abrupt & came without warning. I would literally Skype her & her family all the time. It just wasn't good enough apparently . When I wanted to arrange to come see her, that apparently wasn't good enough either. She didn't want to talk about my relationships because she said she doesn't care enough, so therefore, I don't talk about whom I seeing or not. She literally has no idea I'm even in a relationship. So I feel like I don't like the person she's become. How it has become one sided. How she's made me feel; and how unapologetic she is about the vicious email she sent.

If trust is chipped away and resentment builds up, what is left of a friendship? It becomes superficial and benefits no one. Even though she said her husband doesn't represent her or speak on her behalf, he sure likes to fight her battles for her. He talks to me like he's standing in the gap, and I think a grown woman should speak to the woman she's offended and not have her husband do it for her.

 

At the end of the day, if your not my friend for a reason, then you're only in it for a season.

 

I suppose I feel exhausted

[rainbow12]

Since you're both far away from each other like 10 hours away she might find it hard to see that you care about her family. She probably thinks you don't care cause you maybe don't visit much but you're not going to visit much when it comes to a distance. Have you ever tried sorting it out with her? Like a proper talk and get to the bottom of why she thinks you don't love or value your friendship with her?. Since she has been responding to the emails you sent to her even in a vicious way or not...she still cares about the friendship but has resentment and anger built in her. How long has she been like this with you?

 

She unblock you on social media because deep down she wants to forgive you of your past mistakes but she has too much anger. When she changed the goal post she intentionally tried to hurt you and break you by dropping all the plan to see you and saying that you are on the phone with her for too long. This ex friend is now taking things way too far.

 

You need to give this woman a ultimatum, you need to tell her that you can't go on like this because she's wearing you down and you don't know what to do for her to forgive you. Tell her you always cared about her and the friendship but her hate is gone stronger and you can't build pretend walls to block it out. This is at the end of the road. Tell her that if she really wants to sort things out with the friendship both of you could go to counselling and make proper arrangements this time to see each other once a month or every 3 months or something. If she doesn't want to do any of these things with you and nothing calming her down then you need to disconnect with each other and block if thats the only way she will move on from you and her anger.

[preraph]

So she was projecting onto you that you didn't care about her family, but really she's the one who doesn't care about what you're doing or your relationships. You know that's just projecting. she doesn't care about your relationships and isn't that interested in what you're doing, and people tend to think that other people are like them in certain regards and think like them, so since she's not interested in you basically, she is projecting onto you that you're not interested in her and her family. it says much more about her than it does you.

 

 

This is really not a friend. This is a one way friendship. She wants a lot of attention and she isn't reciprocal.

 

to me it sounds like you have gone above and beyond what most friends would do if you're actually Skyping or communicating at all with her family instead of just her.

 

I don't see how you're losing anything if you just let her go.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I think I can forgive her. But from a distance. This up and down behaviour I cannot deal with. From blocking to forgiving from resisting phone calls to being all nice and hospitable has worn me down. I've had enough and perhaps I need to do the slow fade too. She blocked me unexpectedly, I doubt she'll notice or be bothered if I unfriend her. After all, what will her argument be?

 

It's okay to want more consistency in friendships. My other friends have never hurt me intentionally to get their point across. They have more maturity than that.

 

I'm kind of done.

[mrs rubble]

I had a friendship like this, I'd known her since I was 7 years old. At high school we were firm friends, but drifted when I changed schools and she caused drama between mutual friends.

We connected again when we were in our early 20's and were very close for a number of years, then again she caused drama through mutual friends, so I distanced myself from her.

When I split from my ex-husband, she took my ex's side. I was extremely upset by that and vowed she'd never be a friend again. I ran into her in the street one day and she said Hi and we got chatting so I decided that I'd add her on Facebook, we chatted a bit but never got together socially again and she died suddenly 4 weeks ago. I'm just pleased that we were on speaking terms and neither of us held any resentment. Even her daughter's said at her funeral "Mum always had drama in her life", that is just who she was.

[rainbow12]

I had a friendship like this, I'd known her since I was 7 years old. At high school we were firm friends, but drifted when I changed schools and she caused drama between mutual friends.

We connected again when we were in our early 20's and were very close for a number of years, then again she caused drama through mutual friends, so I distanced myself from her.

When I split from my ex-husband, she took my ex's side. I was extremely upset by that and vowed she'd never be a friend again. I ran into her in the street one day and she said Hi and we got chatting so I decided that I'd add her on Facebook, we chatted a bit but never got together socially again and she died suddenly 4 weeks ago. I'm just pleased that we were on speaking terms and neither of us held any resentment. Even her daughter's said at her funeral "Mum always had drama in her life", that is just who she was.

 

 

 

at least you made amends. I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

[rainbow12]

I think I can forgive her. But from a distance. This up and down behaviour I cannot deal with. From blocking to forgiving from resisting phone calls to being all nice and hospitable has worn me down. I've had enough and perhaps I need to do the slow fade too. She blocked me unexpectedly, I doubt she'll notice or be bothered if I unfriend her. After all, what will her argument be?

 

It's okay to want more consistency in friendships. My other friends have never hurt me intentionally to get their point across. They have more maturity than that.

 

I'm kind of done.

 

 

 

She can't argue with you if she's done the blocking first and has up and down behaviours with you. She seems so immature and if she really cared about the friendship she needs to stop wasting time and just forgive your flaws. She doesn't sound like a mate anymore. It's best to drop her.