Trying to cope with break-up

[KLB1996]

Eight days ago, my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me out of the blue. Well, I say out of the blue because we hadn't been having any problems at all but he had been acting strangely a few weeks prior. He led me to believe it was just stress and "emotional overload".

 

He called me instead of doing it in person AND during the middle of the work day with my kids running around (I work from home). He said in the past month, he stopped feeling a connection to me and our relationship. To add insult to injury, he said he started having feelings again for his ex girlfriend. They had dated for 1.5 years and broke up about a month or so prior to him and I meeting. I accused him of cheating which he denied but did admit she had "texted him a few times". I call BS. I think she's lingering in the background this whole time.

 

He denied they are getting back together but I know they are. They are following each other again on social media as of Tuesday. His demeanor was just very matter of fact like he was giving a news story. Zero emotion at all. I ended up crying so hard I had to hang up the phone. I texted him about an hour later and finished what I wanted to say but of course, no response. I have not initiated contact since and neither has he. I have unfriended/unfollowed him on social media too because my heart can't take seeing pics of those two together. Her accounts are public though so I am trying to resist the urge to check them (I have a few times). I have a feeling they will wait to go public for a few more weeks so it doesn't look like he cheated on me.

 

This is a man whose actions ALWAYS followed his words. He was kind, caring, very loving and attentive, put me first, said I love you every day and seemed to sincerely mean it etc. We spent a ton of quality time together, we met each other's children/families, friends. I've had other relationships where there were big red flags but there were NONE here. I feel like I don't even know this man. My heart feels so shattered.

 

My best friend thinks he was not over the ex from day 1 but I questioned him about that extensively when we first dated. Usually you can tell when someone isn't over another person. There will be anger or some type of emotion still there. His reasoning for their break was that they fought alot and that he also never could picture her in his life long term. I remember him using those exact words and also said "it just was never meant to go the distance". He broke it off with her. He also told me he had wanted to break up with her for months but let it continue on too long. I questioned it hadn't been much time since the breakup but he said he had thought it through and was good with his decision reiterating he just never pictured her being in his life forever.

 

I feel this woman has been in his ear this whole time and wanted to shatter our relationship. She is close to one of his sisters and his best friend's wife. I think the two of them convinced him to go back to her. Not that he's not to blame because he most certainly is but I do feel they had a part in it.

 

I'm just in a complete state of shock still. I can barely eat, not sleeping more than 4-5 hours a night and feel like a shell of my former self. I truly thought he was the "one" and we might get married someday. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple and we truly were. I thought I had found my soulmate and best friend.

 

I just want this awful heartache to end.

Edited June 28, 2019 by KLB1996

[TheFinalWord]

So sorry OP because I know this hurts.

 

 

To be honest, it sounds like it was a classic rebound. A month out of a LTR is not enough time to get into another relationship. Normally in those situations the person will escalate the new relationship in order to receive the same level of emotional satisfaction that the previous relationship provided. But he is being honest a month isn't enough time to process his emotions from the previous relationship. And he can't even begin that process if he is talking to his ex.

[KLB1996]

Thanks, I worried about that but like I said, he had no emotion whatsoever about the breakup when I questioned it and said it was long overdue. He had wanted out for months but said he let it drag on. And then made the comments he never saw it going the distance or her being in his life long term. To me that had more permanence than say if they had gotten into a big argument or something and it was just a heat of the moment type of breakup.

 

I think he has a history of doing this back and forth nonsense with women. He's been divorced for 8 years and I think he's afraid of sticking it out with anyone long term. I guess one silver lining is he didn't waste 1.5 years of my time and then some like he's going to do to her.

 

It makes me caution ever getting into a relationship again. I went out twice with a guy last year before i met the ex and he told me he couldn't see me anymore because he was also going back to his ex and they had been apart for 2 years!

[d0nnivain]

Of course you are in a state of shock. This blind sided you.

 

You are probably right about her lurking in the background at least as long as he's been acting weird because of the "stress."

 

 

It's fresh. It hurts. You are upset. All of that is a normal reaction. Give yourself time to grieve & heal before you give up on dating forever.

[Commongoal123]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. However, there certainly was a red flag from my point of view: The two of your met/started dating a month after he got out of a 1.5 year relationship. That is never a good sign, and sad to say I've dated women who were only broken up that long with their ex's (sometimes less) as well.

 

That is now the first thing I look at when meeting someone new... How long has it been since their last breakup?

 

This will pass. Just stay NC and love yourself. One spontaneous day you'll realize you just don't care anymore. Sounds cliche, but it's true.

 

-Common