the borrower

[darkmoon]

I am the lender who is trying to work out if I am reasonable or not.

 

 

I never lend any more than I can afford to lose. Only this time my usual, regular £20 loan(which has been our thing for years) was increased to £40 as my borrower was most emphatic that she will pay me. This will leave her more broke next week, needing more borrowing...

 

 

 

I do not have a lot of money and I resent being used. She is not in an emergency, or hungry - otherwise I would help- but she is casual about money.

[Happy Lemming]

Draw up a promissory note, there are blank forms on the internet for free. Have her sign it, make sure she understands this is a "loan", not a gift and she must pay the funds back in the time prescribed in the note.

 

Personally, I don't charge interest when I loan a friend money, but I do put in a "late charge". I want them to understand that they can't just "blow me off" when it is time to pay me back. I don't put up with excuses either. If she agreed to the terms and conditions in the note, then she will follow them, period, end of discussion. There will be no ambiguity about what was said regarding the money, it is there in black and white.

 

You are not a charity and you are not a bank. If 20 pounds is your usual limit, then loan no more. If you do 40 pounds this time, then it will be 60 pounds, then 80 pounds, etc.

 

I don't stay friends with someone who treats me in that fashion.

 

For the record, when my long term girlfriend borrowed money from me I made her sign a promissory note. It was only $100, but it was a loan and I wanted her to pay me back. I drew up a quick and dirty promissory note, and put it in front of her. She wasn't too happy with me for making her sign it, but that was my rule. If she didn't like it, too bad. My money... my rules...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I do not have a lot of money and I resent being used. She is not in an emergency, or hungry - otherwise I would help- but she is casual about money.

 

 

I read a great quote (that I really needed!) this morning: If I say no to someone and they get angry, it doesn't mean I should have said yes.

 

Boundaries.

[Wallysbears]

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish.....

 

 

 

How about spending some time sitting with this friend and helping them figure out where they are wasting money?

[darkmoon]

she just told me that she went back to gambling... she knows...gambling is wrong and wasteful...

[Happy Lemming]

she just told me that she went back to gambling... she knows...gambling is wrong and wasteful...

 

Then the answer is "no", no more money. No to any money, whatsoever. If you want to make her up a care package of food, by all means do that, but not anything she can sell for money.

 

Many years ago, I had a neighbor who would knock on my door and say he was hungry. I knew he was looking for money. So I took some zip-lock bags (labeled them) and dipped out some rice, pancake mix, dried lentils, dried beans, pasta, flour, sugar, etc. from my large "Sam's Club" bags. I knew he couldn't sell these items, as they weren't in the original packaging and he had something to eat. I knew that wasn't what he wanted, but I did feed him.

[major_merrick]

Poverty is one thing, but vice is another. As Lemming said, I'd say no to a friend who wanted to borrow from me to pay for her gambling habit.

 

For friends and family, I tend to look at a loan more as a gift. Great if they repay, but I know human nature and I'm not expecting it. Ask yourself, would you GIVE your friend money to gamble? Kind of changes how it sounds, doesn't it?

[alphamale]

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish.....

 

….and he smells of fish

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

….and he smells of fish

 

:lmao::lmao:

[MsJayne]

Ugh, you've got a sponger! Basically you're propping up this woman's low-income lifestyle. Just say you don't have the money and can't afford to lend it, then watch how fast she moves on to another wallet. You say she's 'casual' about money - it's odd how people who are always asking for a loan of 10 bucks here and 20 bucks there are always so casual about money. They wouldn't be so casual if it was the other way around and it was you who were sponging off of them, believe me. The casual attitude is designed to make you feel like some sort of uptight meanie if you crack it because you're sick of them sponging off you. Tell this loser to take a hike.

[basil67]

Gambling? I would never lend for this. If her gambling is becoming problematic, she needs consequence rather than being saved .

[RecentChange]

Gambled the money away?

 

The answer is no. And I would tell them clearly the reason. It’s not like we are talking about a car breaking down or a medical expense.

 

Perhaps some consequences will deter them from gambling again.

[major_merrick]

This thread just reminded me - my husband once gave a $20 loan to a coworker so that he wouldn't have to pay the overdraft fee on his bank account. He did it with a condition - that his coworker needed to have his bank set up his account so that overdraft was not permitted. Simple condition, right? A couple of months later, same thing happens. My husband asks if his coworker fixed his account. No. Well, no loan then.

 

Sometimes, people just have to learn things the hard way. And sometimes, people never learn even when life causes them pain. I'm starting to realize my sister fits in the latter category. After so many times, you get tired of bailing people out.

[anika99]

When I loan money I keep it very simple so that I don't stress myself out trying to police other people.

 

First, as you said OP, I don't loan more than I can afford to lose and I don't loan any amount that is going to leave myself short or struggling to get by. If the borrower doesn't pay me back or pays me back way beyond the agreed upon date then I will never loan to that person again. And that's it, I don't care about anything else beyond those things. I don't ask the person why they need the.money, I don't ask or care what they do with the money once I've loaned it. They can use it to pay bills, buy food, get drunk, go to the movies or anything else they choose. I don't care, I'm not going to strain a friendship or stress myself out agonizing over exactly what my forty bucks gets used for. Not my business or my problem. As long as they pay me back we're good. If they don't pay me back then don't ever as me for money again because that ship has sailed. Easy peasy

[alphamale]

I only loan money to family members

[ChatroomHero]

Well you know you should say no, but it sounds like you can't. If you continue to lend money, you already know the result. If you feel like not giving her money will make you feel bad and you can't deal with that properly like you already know you absolutely should deal with it, there is really only one thing you can do.

 

 

If you absolutely cannot help yourself from giving her money (notice I said giving and not lending because you know that is the exact case), do not give her money. Instead give her things. For example, offer to buy her a few groceries instead. Offer to buy her lunch...etc.

 

 

You still won't solve the problem but you won't be exactly helping her gamble in the same way. When you buy things, you keep the receipt and buy things that can't really be returned. Avoid things like feminine products because she can return them for cash without a receipt because a lot of times the cashiers won't want to squabble over returning tampons or douche and things like that without a receipt. Go in knowing that if you buy something that can be returned or sold for cash, it will be returned or sold within minutes.

 

 

So even if you can't say "no", you'll find pretty quickly how easy it is to say "no" when you offer to buy someone groceries or food and she rejects it because it is not cash. If you offer to buy food and she gets mad or rejects the offer, you'll get ticked off rather than feel empathy because you'll see her as demanding and feel used. When she gives you a direct response making you feel used, its really easy to say, "Well forget you then. Never ask me again". I promise you won't feel bad anymore about not offering when that happens.

[darkmoon]

This thread just reminded me - my husband once gave a $20 loan to a coworker so that he wouldn't have to pay the overdraft fee on his bank account. He did it with a condition - that his coworker needed to have his bank set up his account so that overdraft was not permitted. Simple condition, right? A couple of months later, same thing happens. My husband asks if his coworker fixed his account. No. Well, no loan then.

 

Sometimes, people just have to learn things the hard way. And sometimes, people never learn even when life causes them pain. I'm starting to realize my sister fits in the latter category. After so many times, you get tired of bailing people out.

 

 

THANKS EVERYONE ... Been a lender for a while, used to discuss her expenses with her, but £40 is a new turn! Now I just say I have problems of my own (true) and today I managed to conclude that I must avoid her, or we will argue. Yes, you get tired of bailing people out.

Edited May 7, 2019 by darkmoon

[Foxhall]

It can be a tricky one this,

 

 

the mind of a gambler is a curious thing, they think about money in a different way to a person who never takes any financial risks.

 

 

Personally I've always had an interest in gambling but never really had a problem with it, I like to think anyway I've always been in control of it,

 

 

I have lent people money to gamble, I think once ever I borrowed, but have nearly always been the lender,

I have got some of the money returned but a lot of it I will never see again.

 

 

what I have always noticed is that fundamentally "gamblers" are very decent people, they are sociable creatures and enjoy reaching out and making friendships,

actually provided it does not get out of hand, many good friendships are formed between people who like a bet.

 

 

I suspect your friend is of a good nature and hence you struggle to refuse her when she asks,

 

 

I suppose you have to draw the line if it gets out of hand, you can be there for her to a point but you also have to be able to say No,

at the end of the day you cannot come to the wall yourself over her.

 

 

but on balance remain her friend I would always say too.

[vla1120]

I don't loan money to anyone. If I know someone is struggling, I will buy them some groceries, or pay to keep their electric on, etc., without the expectation of being paid back. I only do this for family and close friends. If I believe someone is taking advantage of me (and I can usually tell), then I stop helping. To me, that is no different than my annual charitable donations, and at least it is helping someone I know.

[Whodatdog]

I think its come to the point now where you have to say, Im sorry I cant give you a loan right now. In fact, maybe ask HER for some money!

 

At any rate, its time to say no more. You are not her bank, and if it makes her mad at you, then she's not much of a friend, is she.

[darkmoon]

she is broke again, I know she wants money.

 

But now I am fed up because she always ends up the same. Skint. We are both over 50, but she is so irresponsible.

 

She never plans her expenses properly. I want to tell her this. Am I right to get depressed in her company? To tell her that lending is depressing?

 

Would you find constant lending to a loser depressing too?

Edited June 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

No, because I wouldn't lend her money. There are too many jobs available. Tell her to get a second job the next time she comes begging. Why do you keep lending her money?

[darkmoon]

I do not want to lose the friendship, but I do want to end her fortnightly mantra ...

 

 

"can you lend me 20 til wednesday?" so I will not take my card with me when I visit

[alphamale]

you are the enabler darkmoon

[The Outlaw]

I don't lend if I know I won't get it back. By constantly giving, she's just going to keep coming back. Anyone will if they feel they have that financial cushion that's available 24/7. I don't mean to sound cold, but that isn't your job. You don't have to quit being who you are, but sometimes you just have to look out for yourself. If anyone feels they can take advantage of you, they will.