the borrower

[darkmoon]

What I want to know is - would you feel uncomfortable in being caught up with such a loser?

 

 

 

How would you feel? Tell me, without me prompting you. I must sort my head out.

[alphamale]

of course I would feel uncomfortable, extremely so

[preraph]

Yeah, I would be very uncomfortable with someone habitually trying to borrow money. I wouldn't let it happen. I'd say, I have a second job, so I'm not down for funding anyone else who could go get a second job themselves.

[darkmoon]

why do you feel uncomfortable? I do too, but I cannot define why - why?

[alphamale]

why do you feel uncomfortable? I do too, but I cannot define why - why?

 

because i'm being taken advantage of and played for a sucker

[Arieswoman]

darkmoon,

What is your relationship with this person?

 

 

Why do you feel you have to lend her money and enable their poor budgeting skills?

[darkmoon]

I do not feel I have to. My question is -

 

 

 

Am I right to get depressed in her company? To tell her that lending is depressing? How do you feel? I know lending is depressing - and you? How do you feel?

[Artdeco]

If she’s your friend, and you’re uncomfortable in her presence, then you guys don’t have a valuable friendship. Friends are comfortable being around one another, that’s why they’re friends. Also, if I had a friend who keeps borrowing money without repaying, I’d not consider them a friend, either. At some point, I’d be too disappointed about being taken advantage of, which would end all or most positive emotions I may have felt about that person. I’m more than happy to help a friend in need, and have done so many times, but if I get the impression that the whole thing is a one-way-street, I’m done. Applies to many things, btw, not only money/lending/borrowing.

[alphamale]

have you guys heard of the equity theory of relationships?

 

it states that relationships work well and succeed when all parties involved are getting back what they are putting in. once the balance goes out of whack and there is no equality then the relationship eventually dies out

[Happy Lemming]

Tell her you won't lend her any more money, but you will help her set up a monthly budget so she can take care of her own finances without having to borrow money from anyone.

 

If she is a close friend, I might purchase a used copy of Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace" and give it to her.

 

Personally, if someone wants to borrow money (from me), I make him/her sign a 0% interest promissory note. That way there is no ambiguity, it was a LOAN to be paid back -- terms and conditions spelled out. When he/she doesn't pay it back or wants to borrow more, I show this debtor the previously signed promissory note. There are free forms on the internet for "Promissory Note".

[LivingWaterPlease]

I do not feel I have to. My question is -

 

 

 

Am I right to get depressed in her company? To tell her that lending is depressing? How do you feel? I know lending is depressing - and you? How do you feel?

 

Lending is depressing to you because you're being taken in by it. I don't lend except to people I love enough to lend as a gift. And those few people never ask.

 

Don't tell her lending is depressing. Just stop lending.

 

You can tell her nicely with a smile on your face, "I'd love to help you out but I can't afford to." You're not saying you don't have the money. What you can't afford is the kick in your psyche.

Edited June 29, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease

[alphamale]

just go into NC with this person

[darkmoon]

She is nice in many ways but, I feel depressed because losers depress me... you know that saying, that we are a composite of the 5 people closest to us?

 

 

 

I am asking people how lending makes them feel...

 

 

"taken in"? Why do you think she is tricking me? She only borrows £20, but she is such a loser, lacking sense.

[Whodatdog]

I do not want to lose the friendship, but I do want to end her fortnightly mantra ...

 

 

"can you lend me 20 til wednesday?" so I will not take my card with me when I visit

 

So you think if you dont lend her money, then she wont want to be your friend????

 

Tell her to go and be friends with a bank. And next time she asks for money, just say, Im sorry, I cant. I dont feel good loaning money anymore.

 

If you cant say that, then the problem isnt her, its you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

 

I am asking people how lending makes them feel...

 

"taken in"? Why do you think she is tricking me? She only borrows £20, but she is such a loser, lacking sense.

 

I may have misunderstood. I thought you were posting that she borrows money and doesn't pay you back.

 

If that's the case, imo, you're being taken in by her. I was using the term "taken in" as a euphemism for "being taken advantage of." IMO, if she continues to ask for loans you continue to give her, without her paying you back, you're being taken advantage of.

[vla1120]

Instead of asking whether you should remain friends with someone who makes you feel depressed when you are around her because she will ask for money, instead ask yourself what, if anything, you get out of the relationship. If she is truly a nice person, maybe do what Happy Lemming said. Advise her on her finances. Tell her you will no longer lend her money because she needs to fall on her face without you being her safety net to get to the next payday. That is the only way she will learn discipline. And finally, I too work two jobs. No way am I helping someone financially if they don’t work just as hard as me!

[Foxhall]

Darkmoon, I sympathise with you, I have one friend in particular who I had the problem with lending money to help because he had lost it gambling,

 

 

this would happen regularly enough, every few months,

 

 

why did I never end the friendship? well the guy would invite me to his house, that can be a measure of a friendship in our neck of the woods, when you are invited to the house your thought of as a proper friend so to speak.

 

 

Anyway he has surprised me this year, he is not drinking or gambling yet in 2019,

he met me about three months ago and handed me 3,000 euro, I do not even know what he owes me,

anyway I took 1,000 and says put the other 2,000 towards the ring- for his girlfriend-

the gesture surprised me and meant a lot to me though.

 

 

perhaps your friend will surprise you too some day and return your money,

you never know you may yet need this friend some day.

[darkmoon]

I think Foxhall identified the root of my mixed feelings, yes, she is nice and hospitable. And she may straighten out.

[Normm]

Well if it was me I doubt I'd lend any money. I'd simply say "That's not something I do", and not elaborate further.

 

But you are conflicted. So- when you lend her $20, do you get it back? If so, then not seeing it worth getting so bent out of shape over it. You lend this person the $20, they give it back in a week, they ask you for $20 the following week- go ahead and give it to them. It's only $20, and clearly you are struggling over losing the friendship.

 

Try to see it realistically, $20 isn't worth getting emotionally distraught. You can throw $20 away on 2 beers or a couple of Happy Meals at McDonalds and not give it a second thought.

 

First time you don't get the $20 back you stop lending. Simply say "I never got back the last $20 and I'm your friend but I'm not in the loan shark business" and leave it at that. If you lose the friendship then it wasn't a friendship in the first place.