Really good date

[ZA Dater]

I'm also confused, by this. You deliberately go on dates with women you're not interested in? You meet them knowing in advance that you won't take it further, for the experience?

 

This seems like a bit of a waste of time, no?

 

People keep telling me to give people a chance, they keep telling me its a numbers game so that's exactly what I do. Admittedly I do it less now as I simply don't have the time of the patience to sit through a coffee or a dinner when I can see there is no real potential at all.

 

What I did realise by doing this is are the qualities I don't want. Probably the other mistake I make is I believe all women going on dates actually want to date.

[littleblackheart]

Expanding your horizons doesn't mean forcing yourself to meet people you have already decided on before leaving the house. That is too much pressure on the date, and on yourself. It almost guarantees a bad outcome.

 

As said to you a million times before with various degrees of patience, it's your mindset you need to work on.

 

If it's a chore, don't do it. At least you'll spare yourself the feeling of ineluctable failure.

[ZA Dater]

If it's a chore, don't do it. At least you'll spare yourself the feeling of ineluctable failure.

 

Hence the reason I now only go on dates where

 

1: I find the person physically attractive

2: I deduce the chances of compatibility will be reasonable to good

3: The person can carry on a good conversation via text

4: The person has an interesting life

5: The person appears to have some general knowledge.

 

There are truths I cant get away from, women like fun, I haven't discovered what that is yet and doubtful I ever will. Flirting I still cant do it, this date was almost completely devoid of it because I did try but made a complete mess of it. Instead I reverted to being the nice guy in the hope that would be enough (clearly it wasn't) . That's the thing I am very good at being the nice guy and when I look around most guys don't exhibit those traits so it probably comes off as very odd but its who I am unfortunately.

[basil67]

Generally speaking, men like fun too. Hubby and I have very little in common in terms of hobbies, but we crack each up over stupid stuff all the time. My daughter and her boyfriend are the same. Not many men are going to settle for a woman who's got little humour.

 

Do you have an interesting life ZA? This isn't something which shows when you talk to us.

[basil67]

To answer your question about Tinder: It's a dating site. And a hook up site. And a shop. It all depends on what the user makes of it.

[littleblackheart]

There are truths I cant get away from, women like fun, I haven't discovered what that is yet and doubtful I ever will. Flirting I still cant do it, this date was almost completely devoid of it because I did try but made a complete mess of it.

 

The good thing is that both these things can be worked on; they also both require some degree of spontaneity and a bit of self-confidence. If you don't have either, that may reveal tricky. This is why you need more tailored, one-to-one advice on developing these skills. Can you observe naturally gifted flirt experts around you, those that make it look easy, and maybe take your cue from them? You don't need a personality overhaul - just a few tweaks here and there, as you would do for everything, so this wouldn't be a compromise or you reneging on who you are.

 

Also, not all women require 'fun' - which means different things to different people anyway; some people find sarcasm fun, some don't. Some people find toilet humour fun, some don't. Some people find slapstick fun, some don't. Some find intellectual humour fun, some don't (you get the idea).

 

Plus some women do like deep and broody types. I had a male friend who has the women lapping his every word because he seemed mysterious and elusive - he did have a very subtle, smart sense of humour that needed time to warm up, but that seemed enough.

 

You just need to find your mojo, ZA.

[alphamale]

Plus some women do like deep and broody types.

 

maybe nerdy women, I've never seen a very attractive female with a "deep & broody" man

[littleblackheart]

It's not because you've never seen them that they don't exist...

[basil67]

maybe nerdy women, I've never seen a very attractive female with a "deep & broody" man

 

I haven't seen this in real life either. But plenty of women seem to swoon over the fictional Mr Darcy. Though I would have much preferred Mr Bingley...

[littleblackheart]

I meant brooding, like Heathcliffe, not broody.... I'll admit that besides being brooding and deep, he was / is objectively very handsome - that helped a lot, I guess.

 

In any event, people have different tastes - no taste is universal. The main thing is find each other funny even when others don't.

Edited July 7, 2019 by littleblackheart

[JuneL]

I haven't seen this in real life either. But plenty of women seem to swoon over the fictional Mr Darcy. Though I would have much preferred Mr Bingley...

 

But Bingley was the popular one. He was supposed to be handsome and wealthy (though not to Darcy’s level on both), and supposed to have a very pleasant personality, something Darcy was lacking big time if you didn’t know him well.

[littleblackheart]

I haven't seen this in real life either. But plenty of women seem to swoon over the fictional Mr Darcy. Though I would have much preferred Mr Bingley...

 

See I don't care for D'Arcy but I found Bingley a bit dim, spineless and a pushover - a 'nice guy', in other words. Different tastes...

[alphamale]

what are you folks talkin about?

[5x5]

I think they're talking about a Jane Austen novel, I only know this as a consequence of very reluctantly (do avoid it if you can) watching a movie or TV show of one of those novels.

[Rayce]

maybe nerdy women, I've never seen a very attractive female with a "deep & broody" man

 

Nerdy women can be attractive. That has nothing to do with looks. lol...

 

Who likes "deep & broody" … sounds gothic to me

[littleblackheart]

The books are much better, Jane Austin is a classic!

 

All this to say, ZA, you may yet find your unicorn with patience; as luck would have it, as you can see 'women' don't all like the exact same thing. The things you feel you don't master you can improve on. Or embrace your 'uniqueness', and highlight your strengths instead.

[Rayce]

Since they are all talking about some author... maybe reading some romance novels might help you to come up with a different approach?

[chillii]

Nerdy women can often be very very attractive, often even more so , with hidden treasures and lovely bodies all going to waste under the nerdy exterior.

Funny , or maybe sad , but they often seem surprised if l look at them but ahhh, l see what others don't.

[chillii]

l'll say one thing za, you seem to get more people round here trying to help you and get through that head of yours, than anyone else in this forum.

Maybe you should try this kind of reversed attitude with your dates too.

[Normm]

If they aren't interested why are they bothering to meet me?

 

They're interested UNTIL they meet you.

[NuevoYorko]

Umm sorry but this is a direct contradiction? First you tell me all women are different and then you tell me the above, which is it, it cant be both?

 

Either its universal or it isn't?

 

Jesus Christ.

 

I'm aware that you're just here for the attention and you have zero interest in or intention to do anything whatsoever to make yourself a person that other people would enjoy being around, but this is just beyond the pale.

 

Dating coaches are not there to "rip you off." Good ones succeed because they actually help people succeed.

 

You know - nobody improves their lives or makes positive changes of any kind until / unless they have a willingness to learn and change.

 

The world is not going to change to suit you. You are not interested in doing a single thing to improve your situation.

 

So quit whining about it already. It's kind of embarrassing, frankly, to see a grown man make massive thread after massive thread devoted to nothing but complaining while being absolutely unwilling to do anything to change the situation.

 

Move on.

[ZA Dater]

Dating coaches are not there to "rip you off." Good ones succeed because they actually help people succeed.

 

Really. Ok. Sure. What been completely indicated time and time again is here is not one solution that works for all yet dating coaches by some amazing ability know all the solutions for everyone. Really. Ok.

 

Yes and they sell ice to an Eskimo while not attending to the dating problems of people like me.

 

They are there to make money and the more often they can string you along the more money they can make. Its simple capitalism nothing more. Do they get some people to "believe" they can succeed, sure but how much of the success is from the dating coach and how much is from people suddenly "believing". You cannot seriously tell me everyone on this earth thinks the same, acts the same so any universal advice will be of complete irrelevance. I have read these dating coaches work, engaged with one actually, the tactic being more to be someone you are not, indulge in trickery and half truths to get a date/get laid. For what?

 

I have watched many videos/tutorials and its mostly a lot of complete rubbish 'go to the book store and chat to that chick looking at a book" oh really I am bookstores often and have never seen this happen, perhaps it does in North America. Its all cliqued nonsense with very little if any practical application.

 

Of better value would be to actually figure out what women actually want rather than trying to trick and deceive them with these so called 'tactics".

 

Yes, I cannot change how the world works but I certainly can question it, I can look around and see how things work and IF things worked so WELL why would there be a need for dating coaches, they didn't exist in 1950, 1960, 1970, 1980 and 1990 but suddenly the world needs dating coaches, WHY? Why suddenly does this niche market exist? I'll tell you why because certain parts of society at large don't work for some people. Its blatant consumerism, do you think Tinder has caused divorces, the stats are most likely shocking, why because it makes meeting people easier, it makes it easier to cheat, it creates an opportunity which didn't exist 20 years ago available.

 

The mere fact you mention "good" dating coaches just backs up my point of view re them, had it been a regulated industry there perhaps would not be so many fly by night and its for exactly that reason they have no interest to me at all.

 

I am not blameless but neither is the society we have created.

[basil67]

I would hazard a guess that the world needs more dating coaches because of the rise of social skill disorders. Aspergers comes to mind.

 

I agree with you that dating coaches who give universal advice are not worth a cent. But those who tailor their advice for the individual could have more success.

[ZA Dater]

Or embrace your 'uniqueness', and highlight your strengths instead.

 

Which is exactly what I do but nobody wants those because once again they aren't want people are pre conditioned to want when they pick up their favourite magazine or chat to their friend or watch that reality shy.

 

Surely it must have become clear by now I think about things and question, most people don't. Its easier to accept than question. I'll throw this one out there for a time I considered if I wouldn't want a different sort of relationship, maybe a close none physical friendship but then I realised I have never had a girl "friend" so logically if I couldn't accomplish that then how am I to accomplish dating. I do believe there is a link between the two to some extent.

 

Again, ALL I want is some success just ONCE, honestly just ONCE. This is driving me to consider other ideas to try and accomplish this but the downside is all those ideas are fake and I am someone who sees fake easily and cannot ignore it.

 

I am going to try and engage with this girl and see if I can get any decent feedback at all. Its largely irrelevant because she doesn't have a twin in this world so whatever feedback is specific to her rather than universal.

[ZA Dater]

But those who tailor their advice for the individual could have more success.

 

What are they tailoring to though? Dating coach Y doesn't know this girl so any advice will be irrelevant and non specific. Everyone tells me to kiss, this one time I actually do it, well maybe I should not have. You go and read this and that and honestly its all non specific which makes it a load of nonsense to me.

 

Dating coach A will then tell me something different to Dating coach Y, so who to believe?

 

I know full well what I am good at but society places no value on those attributes, again I went out and again I saw the same old nonsense of false, best illustrated by the guy standing at the bar, two ladies all over him, took one look at him and I could see the impression he was pulling off was false, he wanted to appear successful but clearly wasn't and this was confirmed when his card was rejected, do you think either of those two ladies bought their own drinks....no they vanished pretty quickly.

 

Speaking well, that doesn't count for much, being honest, that counts for even less, being forthright, oh no please don't do that, having an interest in politics, oh dear please no I don't know there Fiji is never Finland. So what do I really look for, do I look for a good time? I try a look for some sort of compromise, this person was less of a compromise, she ticked lots of boxes, many of which I deem important.

 

Just so people here think I am not being superficial, I have met models who tick no boxes at all and I wouldn't date irrespective of how physically attractive they are.