Really good date

[basil67]

Leo Decaprio was IMO at his finest in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?. Before he was famous.

 

Same with Brad Pitt really. Super hot in Thelma and Louise and then downhill after that.

[schlumpy]

I've never could develop much interest in Brad Pitt's movies like Joe Black, Fight Club, Mr. & Mrs. Smith....etc. I did like his role in World War Z. I felt he carried me right through the movie to the end. Not a great movie but certainly very watchable.

[preraph]

ZA, I think maybe you need correction by the pack, and I don't mean here on LS. Let me try to frame it better. Sometimes in the dog world, you have a dog that may be lost its mother too early or didn't have siblings and didn't learn all the normal acceptable dog behavior. Sometimes if you put them in what's a dog group, over time they learn the rules of the road.

 

Another example would be there is a little girl who was always very social even as a baby but this sort of morphed into demanding all the attention in a room all the time and getting kind of obnoxious. And she would get very mad if she didn't get it.

 

Then she went to school. Along about 3rd or 4th grade, which is sort of when little girls start having girlfriends, she started being pretty unhappy and complained that she was being bullied. In truth, her pushy me me me aggressive demands for attention were simply being rejected by the pack. They taught her that that was not acceptable. A couple of years later she is still social but without being too much.

 

None of us have met you so we don't know what it is exactly that is glaring to these people you keep getting rejected by, and I realize you can't just go out and get a pack, but I'm just suggesting that you might benefit by doing something like joining the military or other organization such as law enforcement or fire fighting where there is a close group of peers. You'd probably soon find out what it is people find objectionable if you were part of some sort of brotherhood. Just a random thought.

[jspice]

Did you mean to those whose first language is not English? It probably also depends on their specific native language, right?

 

Sorry, yes. I teach English as a Second language to non-native speakers. I was a lawyer in another lifetime ?

I enjoy this far more.

 

I think I’ll always see Dicaprio in Gilbert Grape. It’s why I can’t see him in any other role or any other light. I did enjoy “Catch me if you can” though of course the book was better ?

[preraph]

The last time I like DiCaprio was in The Quick and the Dead with Sharon Stone. Loved that movie.

 

I just don't really find him attractive at all, but he was just a kid in that show so he was fine.

[Normm]

My ex-h used to do sarcasm which was so dry that it was undetectable. I'd get offended and he'd say it was sarcasm. I think it was just obnoxiousness.

 

Your post reminded me of my dad. He uses the same dry sarcasm that ZA uses and seems to get off on the ignorant responses he gets from people that don't know he's "joking". Although I don't think it's joking or being funny I think it's hostility and bitterness- with my dad, with basil67's ex-H and of course ZA.

 

Case in point, see if this resonates. I once visited my dad where he used to live out of state, and we went into a pharmacy to pick up his Rx. He starts talking to the cute young pharmacy tech who was probably in her 20s. He was about 75 at the time. Saying to her "can you just package yourself up with the medications I'll take you all home together". He kept at it, "Do you think you can fit in the bag with the medicine?".. she was clearly uncomfortable, I tried to cut in and explain that's his odd sense of humor- my efforts didn't help, she called the manager over who said "is everything ok here". But the important part of this story is that my dad clearly got off on it. It was like an ego boost to him because, hey he knew he was just kidding around, too bad if she was too stupid to figure it out and when she called the manager over it was like a bonus.

 

Who does that sound like? If you thought "ZA" then you win the prize.

Edited July 15, 2019 by Normm

[schlumpy]

Your post reminded me of my dad. He uses the same dry sarcasm that ZA uses and seems to get off on the ignorant responses he gets from people that don't know he's "joking". Although I don't think it's joking or being funny I think it's hostility and bitterness- with my dad, with basil67's ex-H and of course ZA.

 

My wife constantly reminds me to think before I say things because my mind always focuses on ironic details during a conversation and I can get a bit sarcastic. People who don't know me don't know how to take it and usually get hostile because that's a safe approach. I'm much better then I used to be.

 

When I was working we all met an hour before work started and ripped each other to shreds before the start of the day. We nicknamed ourselves "The Coffee Club." My wife makes jokes about it all the time. It was along the lines of Preraph's aptly noted "Band of Brothers" comment. The problem is that once you're out of that environment it doesn't occur to you other people do not have the same thick skin.

 

Best Wishes

Edited July 15, 2019 by schlumpy

[JuneL]

I wonder how to best respond to creepy men described by Normm...just igone them?

[Normm]

I wonder how to best respond to creepy men described by Normm...just igone them?

 

 

Or call the local authorities. How else are they going to learn?

 

 

My dad sure didn't.

 

 

At 89 he's alone and questioning why all his dates and relationships have been failures. I don't have the inclination to point out the obvious reasons.

[ZA Dater]

I think if there is one small silver lining to this very dark cloud I at least know they pretty much nothing I do on dates is right so at least I know that. I also know that honestly if the foundation of something isn't right you can build all you want it will never work.

 

So at least now I can just be me. No pretending to be someone else, no pretending to be charming. I look at it like this, things happen in life for a reason even if we don't know that that reason is. She was amazing and at least for two hours I could live vicariously and actually have the sort of date I wanted to have from an intellectual point of view, I was daring enough to kiss which I hadn't done before so yes I had that happy sort of buzz, basically what I always wanted a date to be.

 

So it didn't ultimately work because I suppose I didn't know what I was doing, didn't know how to date but ultimately in that moment it was positive.

 

People can say this and that, they can critique "should have done this or should have done that", would it have worked if I hadn't kissed her, did I mess it up by doing that, possibly I don't know.

 

What I do know is there are millions of guys who battle with dating, many never get a good dating experience, I had this one which at the time was good so I reckon I can be thankful for that. I admire those who get that great feeling I had for 2 hours more often, people who have charm, people who make women laugh, all things I cannot do.

 

The world owes nobody anything, all we can do is try our best and make the best of it at any given time. I have tried my best at dating and its ultimately got me nowhere, I am still alone, I know nothing more now than I knew 5 or 10 years ago.

 

I'll always chase what I find amazing but I don't think I'll ever be able to date anyone amazing.

[ZA Dater]

Your post reminded me of my dad. He uses the same dry sarcasm that ZA uses and seems to get off on the ignorant responses he gets from people that don't know he's "joking". Although I don't think it's joking or being funny I think it's hostility and bitterness- with my dad, with basil67's ex-H and of course ZA.

.

 

I don't actually often use that type of humour and yes when I do it completely passes people by, well most people at least. At this point I am actually completely unfazed by people I never liked passing judgement, what does matter are those people I have liked but never got anywhere with, that hurts because those opportunities are very rare.

 

Some have desirable qualities and others do not. Its really as simple as that I guess. Everyone was that designer, shoe, nobody wants that cheap running shoe and such is life really, to succeed at dating you need to be desirable to people you find desirable, my 15 year quest of trying to beat the odd here is at an end. I cant beat the odds at this, I cant convince people I like to like me, they either do or they don't.

 

No amount of books, dating coaches will change the very fundamentals of that. I am sure I can do things that guy who gets all the girls cant so its about finding what I am good at and simply enjoying that, if it leaves me lonely then so be it. The unfortunate truth is I am 35, not 25 and at 35 you are expected to be able to have a relationship, you are expected to have history and not having either of those is like turning up at an interview in your PJ's, you wont ever get the job.

 

Of course some will say this is being negative, this for me is the reality of it.

[JuneL]

“I don't actually often use that type of humour and yes when I do it completely passes people by, well most people at least.”

 

So you do use the type of “humor” described by Normm sometimes? That’s not humor by any stretch. It’s super annoying and creepy at best, and sexual harassment at worst.

[chillii]

I think if there is one small silver lining to this very dark cloud I at least know they pretty much nothing I do on dates is right so at least I know that. I also know that honestly if the foundation of something isn't right you can build all you want it will never work.

 

So at least now I can just be me. No pretending to be someone else, no pretending to be charming. I look at it like this, things happen in life for a reason even if we don't know that that reason is. She was amazing and at least for two hours I could live vicariously and actually have the sort of date I wanted to have from an intellectual point of view, I was daring enough to kiss which I hadn't done before so yes I had that happy sort of buzz, basically what I always wanted a date to be.

 

So it didn't ultimately work because I suppose I didn't know what I was doing, didn't know how to date but ultimately in that moment it was positive.

 

People can say this and that, they can critique "should have done this or should have done that", would it have worked if I hadn't kissed her, did I mess it up by doing that, possibly I don't know.

 

What I do know is there are millions of guys who battle with dating, many never get a good dating experience, I had this one which at the time was good so I reckon I can be thankful for that. I admire those who get that great feeling I had for 2 hours more often, people who have charm, people who make women laugh, all things I cannot do.

 

The world owes nobody anything, all we can do is try our best and make the best of it at any given time. I have tried my best at dating and its ultimately got me nowhere, I am still alone, I know nothing more now than I knew 5 or 10 years ago.

 

I'll always chase what I find amazing but I don't think I'll ever be able to date anyone amazing.

 

 

 

 

Probably wouldn't have mattered what you did anyway so don't worry about it, she probably just wasn't into you, simple as that. lt happens.

lf she was things are much more forgiving and over looking of a few nerves or awkwardness than that.

Matter of fact that's quite normal at first if you "are", into each other.

[ZA Dater]

 

So you do use the type of “humor” described by Normm sometimes? That’s not humor by any stretch. It’s super annoying and creepy at best, and sexual harassment at worst.

 

I don't use sexual humour ever.

[ZA Dater]

None of the ones I like are ever into me so honestly I am just better off not shopping or rather just window shop.

 

Again, this is clearly something most get right and others simply don't for whatever reason.

[MaleIntuition]

It certainly helps if you like a broad range of girls...

[Foxhall]

You are an average guy Za Dater,

 

you need to play at your own level,

 

really good looking women are beyond your reach, you do not have the necessary confidence to land one of these types,

 

I am the same buddy, I have to be realistic and play at my own level,

 

I have certain requirements, I would find it hard to be interested in very overweight girls for instance,

 

but I am realistic too- I will have no chance with an 8 or 9 out of ten type,

but I will have a chance with a 5 or 6 out of ten, on a good day maybe a 7

 

at the moment I am dating a "coloured " lady, she is fine, she is not bad looking or anything but being honest I thought I might have done better back 5 to 10 years ago,

 

you have to aim for more realistic targets, then your success will improve.

 

otherwise as you allude to yourself be happy with staying single and forget about it.

[ZA Dater]

You are an average guy Za Dater,

 

you need to play at your own level,

 

 

otherwise as you allude to yourself be happy with staying single and forget about it.

 

I'd rather have one great date every 5 years than have an average relationship with someone who does not appeal to me at all. For me life is never about settling for average, for me, I'd rather go after what I want and not get it, at least then I can say, "ok I tried to get what I want" than to force myself to accept something I don't want.

 

The realistic part for me is determining who is vaguely compatible with me.

 

At the end of the day, I can go to a café sit on my own, look at the world around me and I always see the same dynamic. I can go and eat on my own and see the same thing. Guys need charm, without it you fail, or you need huge amounts of material wealth.

 

Why did I like this date, because it was actually one enjoyed, I got challenged, she had a pretty face, the conversation was good, I could have easily taken her to events because she has class.

 

Compare this to the lady who isn't well learned, speaks poorly, is ok to average looking but there is nothing there to interest me. Or the model, stunning looks but again little to no intellectual attraction at all.

 

Maybe I am wrong but mostly I chase some sort of 'wow" which could be anything from a great lunch to a stunning sunset, there has to be some wow in each day and the best wow that I chase is the person who wows me. Pathetic maybe but when I have found this the whole conversation and everything just works, when its not there its like trying to put a puzzle together missing most of the pieces.

 

I'll never be truly happy on my own but I'd more unhappy knowing I settled for someone I didn't really want.

[Foxhall]

well fair enough, I do admire that you are holding out for what you want- that you will not settle for second best,

 

I am different from you in that regard, in that I am happy to settle for average,

 

ah wel you never know, it is easy enough to learn to be "charming" really, if that is what is holding you back,

[schlumpy]

I am different from you in that regard, in that I am happy to settle for average,

 

I'm with you. I vote for average and there's nothing stopping me from turning average into special.

 

Best Wishes

[preraph]

If you ever find yourself saying "only joking," just know that nearly everyone realizes that is you said it, it came out of your brain and you were thinking it first. Freud was right about that. People aren't stupid because they don't "get it." You're stupid if you think saying things is "only joking" when it actually came straight out of your mouth via your brain.

 

That's not being clever. That's being a jerk. So if you are doing that any, stop it. You've apparently mistaken that as wit. Wit is something different altogether.

[JuneL]

My ex-h used to do sarcasm which was so dry that it was undetectable. I'd get offended and he'd say it was sarcasm. I think it was just obnoxiousness.

 

Now I’m curious...would you mind sharing a couple of concrete examples? Telling jokes that are flat or not funny is one thing, but making jokes at the expense of the person in front of you is just plain offensive. I have an uncle who used to do that when we’re kids (he did a lot to his poor wife my aunt too)

[ZA Dater]

well fair enough, I do admire that you are holding out for what you want- that you will not settle for second best,

 

I am different from you in that regard, in that I am happy to settle for average,

 

ah wel you never know, it is easy enough to learn to be "charming" really, if that is what is holding you back,

 

Average would have been fine except for the fact I have never chased average, sure I have been on dates with average in the hope that practice would make it easier to date the people I really wanted to date, unfortunately this isn't true.

 

If I look around and think back I have maybe been luckier than some in some respects, I have met some interesting people, from internationally famous models to dynamic people who were really impressive.

 

Why did this rejection get to me, well because I really liked her, I saw a lot of potential which I very rarely see, I saw complimentary traits, easy talking, interesting, classy, beautiful, there was a lot to like and I didn't feel like I would be compromising.

 

Everything I look for is the result of what I liked on past dates so there is some "logic" to this.

 

The problem comes when I need to "pay" for this, what do I offer up to compliment this, kindness, honesty, generosity, a fairly interesting life, intelligence but ultimately these things never really "pay". So I am left wondering "what if".

 

A lot of my approach comes from constantly being told when I was young "you wont be able to", I got teased a lot at school because I was so different, everyone wanted to know me when there was a debate to win, generally knowledge was needed but I made no attempt to ever fit in. People were going to clubs I was reading "Long walk to Freedom". Because people told me 'you cant" I made sure I did by never giving up. This is why when people advocate I "settle" I cannot ever do that, its completely at odds with my entire thinking.

 

I enjoy being challenged because ultimately I believe one is challenged to be better, people here have made me change my approach, you be surprised how much of what is told here I do on dates. BUT its incredibly irritating to no get one ounce of measurable success at this. Its about the only thing I have attempted where no matter what I do the end result never changes.

 

My question is this. How do find any enjoyment in something that isn't really what you want? Yes, perfection doesn't exist but how do you enjoy something that really doesn't tick an boxes, where you need to over compromise?

 

I believe the ideal person is the one who makes you want to really be a better more dynamic person, they motivate you to be this.

[jspice]

I think it’s really unfair of you to do this every time.

 

You post the same thread then ask a question. Then everyone jumps in to answer and help, and you deflect every response. Now you’ve just asked another question that people have answered already.

 

What do you want people to say?

 

Your attributes are not unique. No you shouldn’t settle because that’s really insulting to the person you “settled” for. I’d be offended if someone “settled” for me and every time they looked at me, they thought they could do better.

 

What do you want people to say that hasn’t been said already?

I’m really asking.

[ZA Dater]

 

What do you want people to say?

 

What do you want people to say that hasn’t been said already?

I’m really asking.

 

Maybe admit that women are also at fault. Maybe concede my situation is not all my own fault, maybe there is something inherently wrong with consumer dating?

 

I went back and did a 5 hour experiment with fake picture, same sort of athletic build as I have..got 20x more matches. Yet women aren't superficial...