Really good date

[Flame Aura]

 

Its pretty pointless talking with enthusiasm about a subject people are interested in, trust me no date of mine barring this one was actually interested in talking about American politics and the political situation in the middle east. So I can talk with as much enthusiasm as I like about these topics its a fruitless exercise.

Why would you even mention politics on a first date.... ZzZzzzZzzz boringgggg.

 

 

It's like you purposely want to talk about boring things because that's 'you'. Well it's clear it's not working so you need to change.

 

 

Seriously you're like a broken record, even just reading this topic and your posts bores me.

 

 

You really need to stop being so rigid and thinking the date has to be like x and we need to talk about y and she needs to look like z.

 

 

NO. You adapt to the person/situation. You just want to keep doing the same old same old then moan about it. Boring.

[basil67]

Irony is huge in some respects, sure work to improve things but would be helpful if people were honest about what needed to be improved.

 

ZA Dater, you have many many threads with heaven knows how many comments of HONESTY about you and your situation. I suspect that if a date was honest with you, you'd take a negative view of them and dismiss what they say.

 

That said, this is how most people react to honesty. And it's the very reason why people aren't honest when rejected dates ask 'why?'.

[basil67]

ZA, you've said in the past that you can spend an entire date just asking questions and no real conversation happens. Let me ask you this: when they give an answer, do you bounce off it? Ask them more, respond with interest and segue with a comment connected-but-not-connected? A comment that you think they may be intersted in...

Edited July 19, 2019 by basil67

[ZA Dater]

ZA, you've said in the past that you can spend an entire date just asking questions and no real conversation happens. Let me ask you this: when they give an answer, do you bounce off it? Ask them more, respond with interest and segue with a comment connected-but-not-connected? A comment that you think they may be intersted in...

 

Yes, I always take an interest and do ask more if there is enough meat in the answer which makes its possible to ask more. There is usually a big disconnect because often the conversation does not flow. For example I could get talking about holiday places, ask them what their ideal holiday destination would be. Usually the answers are fairly predictable so the question gets asked back I respond with Bora Bora and get these blank looks.

 

Then I quickly change the conversation to another topic. Someone summed things up well, I can have decent enough conversations some of the time but most of the time it just doesn't flow.

 

It also seems having a good conversation and being attractive are mutually exclusive concepts for me.

[harnold]

Didn't read the whole thread, but I hate this comment in your OP

 

"she hasn't blocked me"

 

And also the part about "putting your best foot forward" as if you're trying to sell her on a version of you

 

Do you anticipate rejection / negative reaction when you're meeting a girl? If so, that kind of mentality may be keeping you from being authentic with her... more focused on "not saying the wrong thing"/"saying the right thing" as opposed to just saying what you want to say, without fear of acceptance.

 

Just my 2cents on a very limited part of the thread. Dont take it personally.

[chillii]

Never really been a dating type but to spend the whole night asking questions, man that's an interview.

Ever tried just having fun, few times in younger days there were times l still didn't even know her name after all night.

Questions don't really matter , well a few maybe but it mostly all just comes out naturally over time anyway, just enjoy would be my tip.

[ZA Dater]

ZA Dater, you have many many threads with heaven knows how many comments of HONESTY about you and your situation. I suspect that if a date was honest with you, you'd take a negative view of them and dismiss what they say.

 

That said, this is how most people react to honesty. And it's the very reason why people aren't honest when rejected dates ask 'why?'.

 

No, in my view they aren't honest because its simply easier not to be. ACTUALLY I can respect an honest person so no I wouldn't look at them negatively, the one lady did give me some unspecific honest feedback "you need to evolve", not sure what that means but anyway.

[harnold]

Never really been a dating type but to spend the whole night asking questions, man that's an interview.

Ever tried just having fun, few times in younger days there were times l still didn't even know her name after all night.

Questions don't really matter , well a few maybe but it mostly all just comes out naturally over time anyway, just enjoy would be my tip.

 

To elaborate on this. Offer your opinion more, even if it disagrees with her.

 

 

Eg:

"Whats your favorite ____"

She answers

You: "Oh I hate that blah blah blah"

 

 

Dont feel the need to agree with her on things if you genuinely dont. If you do agree, feel free to agree, but dont do it for the sake of just being nice/getting her to talk. You can offer a more meaningful followup with more substance if it's genuine... even if it puts her on the spot.

 

 

Offer your own side to the question.

 

 

Eg:

"Whats your favorite ____"

She answers

You: "Alot of people like that, me personally I prefer ______"

 

I think the age old advice of "just ask questions" is f*cking awful. Rather, make statements. Dont be afraid to talk (not brag) about yourself. Also, listen to the sub-communications of what she says... what is it telling you about her? (its not WHAT she says, its HOW she says it)

 

 

Eg:

"Whats your favorite ____"

She answers

"That's pretty uncommon, wow. You sound adventurous... are you? What other adventurous things are you into?"

 

 

Sorry for the rant, I used to be a big question asker so I feel your pain

[harnold]

Didn't read the whole thread, but I hate this comment in your OP

 

"she hasn't blocked me"

 

And also the part about "putting your best foot forward" as if you're trying to sell her on a version of you

 

Do you anticipate rejection / negative reaction when you're meeting a girl? If so, that kind of mentality may be keeping you from being authentic with her... more focused on "not saying the wrong thing"/"saying the right thing" as opposed to just saying what you want to say, without fear of acceptance.

 

Just my 2cents on a very limited part of the thread. Dont take it personally.

After re-reading some of your other threads, you def need to work on your confidence.

 

From another thread:

 

"Ostensibly I offer very little that anyone would logically like when compared to others."

 

And numerous others from just scanning OPs of your other threads. Where are you drawing your biggest insecurities from? Maybe we can help address them

 

As a first step, stop talking about yourself so negatively. Stop pitying yourself and trying to get others to pity you. Rather, commit to changing the current ****ty you, and develop an idea of who you want to be - your ideal 10/10. Then everyday, brainwash yourself. Reframe your perception of yourself. You're a 10/10 in progress. One day, you'll be that 10/10. Think of it that way.

Edited July 19, 2019 by harnold

[ZA Dater]

Why would you even mention politics on a first date.... ZzZzzzZzzz boringgggg.

 

You really need to stop being so rigid and thinking the date has to be like x and we need to talk about y and she needs to look like z.

 

NO. You adapt to the person/situation. You just want to keep doing the same old same old then moan about it. Boring.

 

 

 

What do you talk about a first date?

[ZA Dater]

And numerous others from just scanning OPs of your other threads. Where are you drawing your biggest insecurities from? Maybe we can help address them

 

 

See, herein lies the problem. I am quite happy with me and frankly I don't see anything serious I need to change, I am always going to be intense, I never going to enjoy clubs, bars and drinking. Apparently I am expected to like those things to be able to date.

 

I am plenty confident at things I am good at, dating isn't one of those things so when you get rejected over and over obviously you aren't going to have any confidence at all, that's purely logical. So I go on dates looing for that win to try and get some confidence back but to go on these dates I need to find some ostensibly fake confidence but even that's not enough.

 

You try and be 35 and never had a gf. Its not exactly the greatest feeling, nor is being told "oh well you cant choose just settle for whoever takes an interest in you". You go to events on your own for years knowing people are wondering why you never have date, in fact some just ask why.

 

I listed the things I enjoy in this thread and got belittled for being interested in them because apparently ladies "don't like those things", so I must now pretend to like things I don't because heck a lady might like me if I do. Its like people who go to meet up because well they might meet someone there rather than for the actual activity.

[ZA Dater]

Dont feel the need to agree with her on things if you genuinely dont. If you do agree, feel free to agree, but dont do it for the sake of just being nice/getting her to talk. You can offer a more meaningful followup with more substance if it's genuine... even if it puts her on the spot.

 

Sorry for the rant, I used to be a big question asker so I feel your pain

 

Agee, I do offer opinion, I definitely don't sit there like a doormat but it would be nice to have someone who does disagree with me. Instead I seem to have doormats sitting in front of me who mostly have opinions on nothing.

[basil67]

No, in my view they aren't honest because its simply easier not to be. ACTUALLY I can respect an honest person so no I wouldn't look at them negatively, the one lady did give me some unspecific honest feedback "you need to evolve", not sure what that means but anyway.

 

Yes, you're right - it's easier not to be honest. This is because of what I wrote about being given a hard time when you are honest.

 

If you respect honesty, why do you reject ours?

[basil67]

Agee, I do offer opinion, I definitely don't sit there like a doormat but it would be nice to have someone who does disagree with me. Instead I seem to have doormats sitting in front of me who mostly have opinions on nothing.

 

People aren't going to disagree on early dates. They are there to find positive connection, not difference. It's also not a debating club.

[harnold]

See, herein lies the problem. I am quite happy with me and frankly I don't see anything serious I need to change, I am always going to be intense, I never going to enjoy clubs, bars and drinking. Apparently I am expected to like those things to be able to date.

I don't do any of that stuff. I meet 100% of the girls I date/whatever from the gym. Do you work out? Many gym girls aren't big partiers and are pretty big homebodies (even if they don't appear it).

 

I listed the things I enjoy in this thread and got belittled for being interested in them because apparently ladies "don't like those things", so I must now pretend to like things I don't because heck a lady might like me if I do. Its like people who go to meet up because well they might meet someone there rather than for the actual activity.

Can you link me to those posts?

 

 

I am plenty confident at things I am good at, dating isn't one of those things so when you get rejected over and over obviously you aren't going to have any confidence at all, that's purely logical.

 

Fair point - rejection does hurt ego. But the problem there is that your ego is tied to their opinion of you, and it shouldn't be. Who cares what one, or 2, or 10, or 100 girls think of you? You're still the same person with the same accomplishments regardless, and the fact that they've chosen to not accept you has no bearing on that. You need to start internalizing that.

 

What is your social life like? Are you a loner? Many friends / no friends? Just trying to get some color on who you are (for the record, I dont believe friends are a prerequisite, as I have very few but it has not held my dating life back).

 

I have more to say but it's 5am here, I'll check the thread in the AM

[basil67]

What do you talk about a first date?

 

The answer to what Flame Aura talks about is in that same post: He's adaptable. He could add commentary to any conversation which comes along. He does this to find connection. Same as what most people do.

 

People who are good at conversing wouldn't be able to tell you what they talk about when meeting someone new because there is no script. It's exactly the same as the random conversation we all had a few pages back.

[ZA Dater]

find positive connection.

 

Please tell me what this is? Likewise, the often used frankly BS comment known as "chemistry".

Edited July 19, 2019 by ZA Dater

[harnold]

Please tell me what this is? Likewise, the often used frankly BS comment known as "chemistry".

 

I find chemistry to be an abstract and ill-defined concept as well, but on a technical level - I think it's partly a mix of comfort/trust with the other person (ability to share without being judged + non-nervousness), feeling that you understand each other (have similar, or at the very least empathetic, life experiences/humor/etc), and some element of mutual validation seeking (you seek/crave rapport with each other vs a "take it or leave it" attitude. eg desire to please)

Edited July 19, 2019 by harnold

[chillii]

What do you talk about a first date?

 

 

 

 

Just let it go it's natural flow . And btw, quiet moments are fine too if they happen just relax don't let them bother you then she'll feel the same, you might even have a chuckle.

A friend of mine would pick women up anywhere anytime, dozens and dozens of them, and nope he wasn't flash to look at or a smooth talker either.

l mean l don't care l'm not into picking up women but one day l did ask him, wth do you say to all these women , he said nothing, l just say hello, that's the only line l have, the rest takes care of itself.

Edited July 19, 2019 by chillii

[chillii]

PS, mind you if l was into picking up women personally l'd feel a bit better with more than a hello to go with butttt, l do get where he was coming from non the less.

[elaine567]

... the often used frankly BS comment known as "chemistry".

 

So "chemistry" is BS?

Really?

What you felt with your last date was "chemistry", just not the mutual kind unfortunately for you.

The mutual kind is what most of us seek.

[Normm]

the often used frankly BS comment known as "chemistry".

 

 

ZA- chemistry, or the physical attraction two people feel for each other is a very real thing. It's interesting and very telling that you completely disregard it as some sort of myth.

[NuevoYorko]

See, herein lies the problem. I am quite happy with me and frankly I don't see anything serious I need to change, I am always going to be intense, I never going to enjoy clubs, bars and drinking. Apparently I am expected to like those things to be able to date.

No, you don't have to like drinking and clubbing to be successful with women. I have not had a drink in decades and only go to bars to see music.

 

Your problem is that you are extremely rigid and have a profoundly narrow range of things or people who are of any interest to you. Further, you don't want to talk about anything but what falls into this minute collection of things. You have no curiosity about other people and I imagine you are boring to be around. You may make people feel uncomfortable.

 

You could improve on any of those things but you adamantly refuse and persist in classing suggestions that you do alongside of going to clubs and drinking.

 

Thus, you are alone.

Edited July 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ZA Dater]

So "chemistry" is BS?

.

 

Well for me the mutual kind simply doesn't exist so I dismiss the entire concept.

[ZA Dater]

 

You could improve on any of those things but you adamantly refuse and persist in classing suggestions that you do alongside of going to clubs and drinking.

 

Thus, you are alone.

 

Cool so being discerning is a problem. Ever ask yourself why I have such narrow pool of people that interest me, the answer is this, I have met enough people to know what interests me and what doesn't so yes I tend to chase what does interest me.

 

My curiosity towards other is proportional with their curiosity toward me, if someone takes no interest in me why should I take an interest in them?

 

This date was a good case in point she did actually take interest in me and asked very different questions and the discussion was a good one, probably the best date I have had in many years. As such a took an interest in her and volunteered info about myself I wouldn't normally volunteer.

 

I don't see much point putting this sort of effort into a date where the conversation doesn't flow and they take no interest in me, why bother?

 

Where you are wrong, I can talk about a lot of topics but I suspect they are largely irrelevant in the concept of a date, most people don't really interest me unless there is something inherently wow about them for me or I see interacting with them as opportunity to learn.