Really good date

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Positive people will have positive outcomes. This is largely because they can see the positive aspects of a lot of situations. Negative people will have negative outcomes because of the outcomes they subscribe to the situation.

 

"Whether You Think You Can, or Think You Can't ... You're Right" - Henry Ford

[ZA Dater]

 

I've seen you paint single mothers as not being particularly intelligent or perhaps low socioeconomic (paraphrasing - please correct me if this isn't what you think) but there would be many who are divorced who are educated and work hard.

 

Again YOU DON'T HAVE TO DATE THEM, but a lot of the answer to why you're single is simply because you are rigid in what you're attracted to.

 

So you would date people you don't find attractive just so you can date? I suspect nobody would. My reasons for not wanting single mom's are valid to me based on how many I have had dates with. Likewise people who don't vaguely stay in shape.

 

I do not want someone else's kids, it's really that simple. I'd rather have nothing than something I don't want, I know what I like is very very hard to find on the sense it takes years between finding these people.

[basil67]

Actually, I've been attracted to a very wide range of men over the years....so I can't relate to being chronically single.

 

You keep defending your choosiness.....but then you keep saying that you can't work out why you're single. You don't have to stop being choosy, but quit pretending that it's unrelated to your singledom.

Edited July 7, 2019 by basil67

[jspice]

Actually, I've been attracted to a very wide range of men over the years.

 

Same here. In my early twenties I was attracted to a very specific type. I also refused to date anyone older more than 3-4 years older than me. A man 12 years older than me approached me and asked me out. I kind of laughed to myself knowing my “ rule”.

But the more I got to know him the more I liked him. We were together a while and he opened my eyes to more possibilities.

 

I started looking at people in a different light. I’ve dated men older, younger, tall, short, take charge guys, and more laid back personalities.

 

As for this thread, I have to commend all who contributed to this and the million others for your patience.

[ZA Dater]

.

 

I started looking at people in a different light. I’ve dated men older, younger, tall, short, take charge guys, and more laid back personalities.

 

As for this thread, I have to commend all who contributed to this and the million others for your patience.

 

Cool I get it I must just take what I can get irrespective. But everyone else can choose. Cool got it.

[basil67]

How many times do I have to say that you don't have to take what you can get? Of course you have the choice to stay single if there's nothing out there you want. Just understand that your choosiness is one of the main reasons you are single.

[elaine567]

Women make no effort at dating, absolutely none, they just turn up and them well sit and then think and then well evaluate and then well its either see him again or never speak to him again.

 

And is that not what you do too? Only your filter is set before you even go on the date, so it could be said you make even less effort.

You are choosing what you consider to be the "pick of the crop", then are getting upset when she doesn't pick you back in return.

 

I bring honesty, sincerity and the ability to talk about almost any subject. I am also very analytical and a good problem solver.

^^^ When dealing with the calibre of person you met here, this is entry requirement stuff.

She is looking for that as a minimum, that alone was never going to "wow" her.

You are looking for a bit of "wow". so are most women...

[ZA Dater]

How many times do I have to say that you don't have to take what you can get? Of course you have the choice to stay single if there's nothing out there you want. Just understand that your choosiness is one of the main reasons you are single.

 

I completely disagree. What I am looking for is not unreasonable at all. I am less choosy than most but I suppose not wanting single mom's makes me excessively choosy.

[ZA Dater]

You are looking for a bit of "wow". so are most women...

 

So humour me what wows women?

[JuneL]

OP is in his mid-30s, right? To be fair, I wouldn’t want to date a single parent with small kids, either.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I completely disagree. What I am looking for is not unreasonable at all. I am less choosy than most but I suppose not wanting single mom's makes me excessively choosy.

 

Not at all (in my mind). BUT....a childless woman who can speak intelligentally about a lot of topics, is not religious, looks great in a bikini, doesn't party.....

 

With each of these parameters your pool grows smaller. Maybe if you loosed up on just ONE your pool would be grow. For instance, a woman who doesn't want children, but is Catholic and goes clubbing with her friends twice a month......would you consider her?

[jspice]

Cool I get it I must just take what I can get irrespective. But everyone else can choose. Cool got it.

 

Where did I say that?

 

I’m saying I realised there were men with other good qualities that I had never considered before.

 

There’s no need to be sarcastic with me. You’re the one who can’t get anywhere after a first date. Nobody has told you to take what you can get but everyone has encouraged you to broaden your perspective. I’ve never dated someone I wasn’t attracted to. I’m just mature enough to not write people off if they don’t check everything on my list.

 

Just like you don’t want all those women, the ones you want don’t want you. You’re actually in the perfect position to understand why you can’t get a second date. Its exactly what you do to others.

[ZA Dater]

 

With each of these parameters your pool grows smaller. Maybe if you loosed up on just ONE your pool would be grow. For instance, a woman who doesn't want children, but is Catholic and goes clubbing with her friends twice a month......would you consider her?

 

I am flexible yes to a degree. Fact is every few years I meet someone who I do get along with well and does tick the boxes but it never quite works. People write me off so it's very easy to do the same and why should I not?

[littleblackheart]

Hate to say this but I basically know within 10 minutes if I like the person

 

It takes me 5 seconds to know whether I find someone attractive physically, probably a handful of hours to figure out common ground but unless there is a magic 'spark' and all stars align, it takes much much longer than 10 minutes to establish whether I like someone.

 

People who say they knew within seconds they had found the right partner say that in retrospect; that's how most couples are formed, the success is sealed over time and discovering common values etc.

 

You should follow the same advice a lot of posters have told you over the years - take a risk by expanding your horizons, give people a chance even when they aren't 100% perfect for you 'on paper' as they say. They may surprise you.

 

Personally I've been single for years not bc I'm a single mother (most men don't really seem to mind in real life), not bc I don't find anyone attractive enough (I find most people interesting), but because I don't want to be in a relationship. I like being single.

 

I think you need to pick a side = happy single or more open-minded in your dating criteria.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I am flexible yes to a degree. Fact is every few years I meet someone who I do get along with well and does tick the boxes but it never quite works. People write me off so it's very easy to do the same and why should I not?

 

ZA, which one of your boxes would you say is the most difficult to "fill?" Is it the "no kids" thing? The intelligent conversation? Physical attraction?

 

(For the record, I think it's 100% fine for you to refuse to date a single mother.....and I am one!)

[chillii]

Good question co.

And yeah l agree l don't see why za needs to bother with single mums if he doesn't want too, but yeah at that age it will narrow things down but yaknow, so be it.

Anyway , you've managed to bring home some damn nice women lately za so your finding them and they're liking you enough to come over and all.

 

The main issue seems to me to be why they don't stick around.

[JuneL]

OP is in his mid-30s, right? To be fair, I wouldn’t want to date a single parent with small kids, either.

 

There’re plenty of women without kids between late 20s and late 30s. If he was 10 years older, I would think it’s unrealistic to completely exclude single moms. Also, younger single moms tend to have very young kids. Personally I wouldn’t mind raising another person’s small kids per se, if I get to be part of making important decisions for them. Unfortunately, in most situations, you just have all the responsibilities without any rights.

[schlumpy]

Expert advice, thanks I needed a laugh today.

 

I'd like compliment your superb use of the English language. You are obviously well educated and well versed at using rational thought to solve your problems but as you've discovered flow charts and lists of qualifications will not suffice in real world relationships.

 

The "expert" advice dispensed in this forum doesn't come from a book. It comes from life experience in all it's varieties and personalities. Every person advising you offers what works for them aside from generally accepted dating practices.

 

I agree that what works for others would not work for me. My personality may not let me engage at certain levels of discourse. The qualities that I value in a partner may not interest anyone else. You have your own ideal and I find nothing wrong with that. If you put a line through single woman with children then I don't see the difference between that and choosing blue eyes over brown. It's not wrong to have preconditions but if you are too rigid with those preconditions you are crippling yourself.

 

I like situations that feel natural at the beginning. A chance meeting in public or at a party where you look at your watch (sorry dating myself) phone and realize that the hour conversation you just had seemed like five minutes. At a sporting event a young divorced mother is cheering on her child with her heart and soul and you suddenly wonder what it would be like if she was also cheering for you.

 

It's not expert advice and if it's not applicable then go back to spreadsheet romance.

 

Best Wishes

[JuneL]

Sure I have done this in the past and had a whole array of wishy washy answers most of which go along the lines of "well you need to gain experience" the other was "well you need to change and evolve" when I asked what you suggested I evolve to, well that conversation died quickly.

 

Frankly I can respect someone who is bluntly honest and I make that clear to everyone I meet be it socially or in business, mind you I interact more in the latter than the former.

 

So have you asked her? What do you have to lose??

[ZA Dater]

ZA, which one of your boxes would you say is the most difficult to "fill?" Is it the "no kids" thing? The intelligent conversation? Physical attraction?

 

(For the record, I think it's 100% fine for you to refuse to date a single mother.....and I am one!)

 

Probably all of theim. I need to feel like I want to spend time with you he person, there needs to be some wow factor. I am going to ask this one if she wants to go for lunch sometime. Don't expect to get a response.

[Normm]

Cool I get it I must just take what I can get irrespective. But everyone else can choose. Cool got it.

 

Beggars can't be choosers.

[littleblackheart]

Good question co.

And yeah l agree l don't see why za needs to bother with single mums if he doesn't want too, but yeah at that age it will narrow things down but yaknow, so be it.

 

Not sure it's a good idea for OP to have any preconditions at all because they all are based on theory.

 

Person A had a bad relationship with a single parent = you can (somewhat) understand the reasoning (I don't have any prerequisites personally but I can see why some may)

 

Person B has no relationship experience whatsoever and an unmovable list of preconditions based on nothing. This makes no sense.

 

It's not even about single mothers or blue eyes or education level or leisure activities - it's about being open to possibilities.

[NuevoYorko]

Are you aware at all that what you do with women is exactly what they are doing with you?

 

You don't like them, they don't interest you, they have kids, they are nexted.

 

I don't fault you for this. Where I think you are at fault is, basically, your failure to realize that you, like the rest of us, are not ENTITLED to your "dream girl." If you aren't willing to be flexible, then your choices are going to be very limited. So be it. But why aren't you taking responsibility?

 

You are also 100% inflexible about yourself. You hate fun, you hate pleasure, you don't know how to engage in a give and take conversation - yet you expect your "dream girl" to be fine with all that.

 

Finally - your bitterness. You often bemoan women for "just showing up and sitting there." I think that those women probably are not interested in you. Are they supposed to be putting in a lot of effort in the meeting when they aren't? Why?

[ZA Dater]

Are you aware at all that what you do with women is exactly what they are doing with you?

 

Never said I was entitled to anything BUT I look around at people I know, they aren't going out with people thy don't find attractive, they aren't bending over backward to compromise so heavily to get someone to go out with them.

 

If they aren't interested why are they bothering to meet me?

[ZA Dater]

I'd like compliment your superb use of the English language. You are obviously well educated and well versed at using rational thought to solve your problems but as you've discovered flow charts and lists of qualifications will not suffice in real world relationships.

 

 

 

Best Wishes

 

Thank you.

 

Clearly my dating criteria of the person being well spoken and educated is too much to ask based on the responses here I'd best settle for someone the opposite, well because they are easier to find.

 

My criteria are making my pool small, I fully realise that but I know what I can work with. For example, a 22yo wont be interested in me and I wouldn't be interested in them, the whole lifestyle does not work. Likewise someone who parties every weekend or a single mom. There is only a very specific type of person who can work with me, I am not interested in people who lack ambition, people who simply settle for whatever, apathetic people.

 

I know this because I have met these people on dates, lots and lots of them.

 

The social events I go to do not have any single people at them so its impossible to meet people there and even if there are they aren't interested in me, did I feel bad about this, sure for a few years but eventually I couldn't be bothered what they thought of me.