Why do I still have feelings for my abusive ex?

[notthatintome]

I feel in a real mix at the moment.

 

 

My ex had many different sides. He was fun, loving, generous and always happy. On the other side he was stressed, selfish and lacked empathy. We used to argue a lot. I would always start the fights but he would fly into rages and resolving them was really hard. Everything was my fault, he couldn't compromise or admit responsibility.

 

 

Our last and final fight resulted in him assaulting me. I packed up my stuff and left. At first he admitted it and said sorry but then he became defensive,cold and unsympathetic. I was homeless,heartbroken and bruised.

 

 

 

I went to the doctor to get signed off work. I nearly lost my job at this time too. They advised me to go to the police and so i did. They arrested him but he he lied and said he didn't touch me.

 

 

 

We didn't speak after that and I had to slowly piece my life back together. I was a mess. I was vulnerable as well as having regular panic attacks and trying to keep myself out of depression. Meanwhile he was having a great time dating other women, going on holiday and not giving two hoots about what he had done to me.

 

 

I then found a rebound relationship which was not healthy at all. But it was a distraction and i was incredibly lonely and vulnerable without any family around.

 

 

 

I wasn't sure whether to testify as we had bumped into each other and it was friendly - water under the bridge. However, everyone urged me to go as he basically assaulted me, made me homeless and then was calling me a liar. They reminded me how he had destroyed my life. He was found guilty.

 

 

 

I thought i would have closure following the case but the week up to the event, It brought back all the horrible memories and i was very emotional. Now i am in a complete mix. Its like i couldn't grieve before and now it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel that i still love him and am back being heartbroken why we split up. I didn't want to split up, the night before the assault we were so loved up. But after I had no choice but to go. It felt like it was snatched away from me and i wasn't ready.

 

 

 

After the assault he said he didn't love me but loved me as a person. I was always head of heels in love with him but knew he never quite felt the same.

 

 

 

I am even thinking about wanting to get back together, which is madness! But will power will stop me from ever acting on this feeling.

 

 

 

I also feel so guilty, I want to reach out to him and say sorry for everything. Sorry it didn't work out, sorry it ended so badly and sorry that it had come to this. I know this isn't my fault and he would probably blame me anyway.

 

 

 

These feelings are mixing me up. I don't want to be with another man ever again but yet I yearn for a happy, loving relationship.

 

 

 

I am enjoying being on my own but i am slightly envious of my friends loving relationships (i am really happy for them though) and wish for something like that for me. I am no longer lonely and i enjoy my own company and interests.

 

 

 

It feels so good to write this down. Its hard to tell people you still having feelings for your ex who treated you so badly. They remind me of the horrible things he had done. He also had lovely sides to his personality and they are the parts i really miss. They are so unique and i don't think i will love anyone like i loved him ever again.

 

 

 

I just want to reach out to him and say sorry or know we can still be friendly. I also know it is impossible. Is it normal to feel this way?

[The Outlaw]

I had a 'friend' who went through this exact same situation you did, and while it's normal to still have feelings for him, it isn't and won't be worth it in the end. There are two sides to every story but he made the choice to do what he did to you. It was his call and his alone. And sure, he could have the tender loving side to him, they all do. But remember actions speaker louder than words and he crossed the line and there isn't any going back. I know it's easier said than done, but forget him. Don't write him and apologize or think about him. NC all the way. Focus on you. If you get back together with him, it could be so much worse.

[Fair]

Because the head and heart have a way of conflicting.

 

I didn't read the whole thread but if you stay away from him in the future you're feelings will die eventually. And you'll look back and feel gratitude you didn't get back with him, not to mention amazement that you ever wanted him in the first place.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened. The end result was that you split up because your boyfriend assaulted you. He was also pretty volatile when angry before so it can't have been easy for you.

 

The thing is, he did have a nice side, the loving side, the one that was kind and affectionate to you, who supported you. BUT, he also had the other side and that was dangerous. If you did anything that made him angry, he could have assaulted you again.

 

You are grieving for the nice side. It is understandable that you feel conflicted. You are lonely and vulnerable. We all have needs. Going back to him is not the solution; it is a route back to further assaults. He didn't love you in the way you loved him. You are bound to be hurting about that and about missing the good side of the relationship. You need to remember that you didn't leave because of that but because of his other, violent side.

 

There is no reason to suppose he will change. You need to keep reminding yourself why you left and why it will not work again. Your less rational side will keep trying to get you to go back. I know it must be hard but you are at least questioning your impulses which is a good thing.