Unexpected breakup (want to hear your )

[Treakpeak]

Let me tell you my story and please give me your opinion about it. Since English is not my primary language I appreciate the understanding.

 

We meet each other when we were young(high school). It was love at first sight so we did not know much about each other. We have been together for more than 10 years. For both of us, this was our first serious relationship. We had lots of highs and lows as most of the relationships.

 

When we started dating she was fully committed. She is more or less introvert and I am more extravert and I always needed (people around me). We had some financial differences, so during all the study, she always left me to go everywhere she could not go (skiing, traveling with friends, partying). We also went for a few travelings together and we always had a fun time. During all these years I got lots of new friends. We were hanging out together in a city with friends but since she lived out of my city we were together maybe 1-3 days per week maximum.

 

Here comes to the ugly part. During all those years, of course, it was also cheating involved. In 10 years I cheated her three times and she found out. She also cheated me, but only once. Being together so young and not experience what life can bring you its hard and sometimes you have feelings you are missing something. I always had some kind of hesitation if we will manage to survive because we had financial differences and everything that I really enjoyed (sailing, traveling) she could not afford. Some of you might judge me if you really love someone you will lower your expectations and I did. I know that cheating is not supported if you love someone. From time to time I was a bit miserable and this was some kind of escape of troubles (not seeing the future, but I loved her). Later on, I realized my mistakes and work hard to correct them. Deep inside I always loved her very much but did not show her many times since I am not showing so many feelings outside.

 

As time passed by I took her for granted. The relationship became a bit boring. There were still some good things like we hang out with friends, we did sports together and we did some projects together, but we could not find the path to move and live together (everything was too expensive, so we could not afford it) and everything slowly faded. The very important thing is that we really had a deep trust in each other, despite all the things. Honestly, I can say she put more effort into the relationship than I did. I was always very supportive of her and helped her with everything I could and she knew and respect that.

 

This year happened something strange. She always struggles with jobs and now she got a new job offer from outside the town. She asked me what to do. As being a supportive boyfriend I said she should take it and also helped her with salary negotiations. With having a better job I thought in a few years we might build something together. She was very happy to get a better job but from then on, we have seen each other only once per week or even less.

 

I always trusted her. As she came to a new job, she was mentioning, there are people with no life and all of a sudden she had fun with them and they liked her (her words). After a while she started talking to her (the boss who is also CEO) more and more, she said that boss wants her to work longer, harder and nothing was good enough and so on. After 4 months of working there, she starts to hang out with those people (she never had any real friends besides my friends) so I supported her. She kept telling me that she has a feeling that her boss controls her. She also went for a few lunches. Later on, I found out that she went for lunch and dinner only with the boss(she told me). I also knew she was texting to her boss more and more (she also mentioned once, he is some kind of mystery and people don't understand him) but did not pay attention to it because I trusted her and I thought since they are similar ages they can be friends. In month 6, she-monkey branched me and dumped me the next day. It was a big big shock for me cause I would never think (not even my friends) she could do something like that and she is even able to do this. The next day she called me and said she was sorry but she falls in love with her boss. I am very sure if the boss would not show her respect and love from his side, she would now leave me (she had low self-esteem).

 

After 14 days of our break up, we meet up to return her things. She said she has so many things in common with her boss and even though she does not know him well, she will give him a chance (without knowing what will happen), because she has fallen in love with him (she has fully opened to him). She also mentioned I am a good guy and she wishes me all the best and also that I find the right girl for myself. My answer to that was: I completely understand your situation and I support you, I did give her some compliments about what was good in our relationship and she agreed to everything and mentioned: I will keep this as a nice memory (also pictures) and I want us to stay friends even though my new boyfriend does not like it. Moreover she mentioned I learned a lot from you and I want further to keep you as a friend because I know you are a good person and 10 years together you can no drop them like nothing. At the end, she also added you started to believe in us in the last 2 years.

 

Now 1 month has passed by (I know she is happy atm), I sent her 1 snapchat and she asked me: how am I doing, I said well. She replied: I am happy for you and I did not reply anything to that. From then on we did not talk anymore.

 

In this month I learned a lot from myself at the beginning it was very strange to be lonely even having lots of friends and lots of things to do. Whenever I have time, I think about her or when I am doing something I connect something with her. Slowly I am getting better and better but there are still some ups and downs.

 

I was surprised she was prepared to leave everything behind and start a completely new life. Now there is a question was she so miserable with me or she went for real new LOVE or its a GIGS or its Limerance? One of the very fascinating things for me is also love between Boss and subordinate can this last? I know I am over analyzing everything, but I want to learn as much as possible and take the good things to new relationships.

 

Really appreciate for reading my post. All comments are welcome good and bad.

[ExpatInItaly]

Even if she hadn't left for her boss, your relationship was on thin ice and was probably going to come to an end.

 

You two got together as kids, basically, and made mistakes typical of people in that age group. The problem is that those mistakes (cheating, taking each other for granted) do affect a relationship and eventually, one or both parties grows up and wants to move on. It sounds like you shared a lot but stayed together long after the relationship had run its course.

 

It's impossible to say if her new relationship will work out. However, if she was emotionally checked out enough to explore another man while still dating you, then know she probably won't be back for good even if does fall apart for her. Your relationship was evidently not in a good place; her new boyfriend was a symptom of a bigger problem, which is that she was no longer invested in you.

[d0nnivain]

After 10 years with 4 separate occasions of cheating & you taking her for granted I don't see how you can say this break up was unexpected.

 

After settling for 1/2 a loaf for almost half of her life, she finally found people who see her for the competent adult she has become & she has chosen to pursue independent dreams.

[Treakpeak]

Even if she hadn't left for her boss, your relationship was on thin ice and was probably going to come to an end.

 

You two got together as kids, basically, and made mistakes typical of people in that age group. The problem is that those mistakes (cheating, taking each other for granted) do affect a relationship and eventually, one or both parties grows up and wants to move on. It sounds like you shared a lot but stayed together long after the relationship had run its course.

 

It's impossible to say if her new relationship will work out. However, if she was emotionally checked out enough to explore another man while still dating you, then know she probably won't be back for good even if does fall apart for her. Your relationship was evidently not in a good place; her new boyfriend was a symptom of a bigger problem, which is that she was no longer invested in you.

 

 

Yes she said that she fall in love unexpectedly (while her boss was investing time in her) and even though she doest not know him well she fall in love and will give him a chance.

 

 

I agree that it was a teen relationship and I learned a lot from it but honestly I just realized that we were really connected when we were together, she was always saying you are the one and I would never be with someone else. The feeling I have right now is like a wake up call and now I realize all my mistakes.

 

 

After 10 years with 4 separate occasions of cheating & you taking her for granted I don't see how you can say this break up was unexpected.

 

After settling for 1/2 a loaf for almost half of her life, she finally found people who see her for the competent adult she has become & she has chosen to pursue independent dreams.

 

 

Yes break up was unexpected because even all things that happend in past we really trusted each other, but her love faded when she moved out of the town for another job and we didnt see each other a lot and then her boss replaced my time...

 

 

 

I would be prepare to work hard to get her back but i think its waste of time now. When someone emotionally checks out its to late, but still is this her real love or could be limerence? I know she will not contact me anymore but shall I contact her if I need something cause I would like to keep her as a friend? I have one problem, that I attach to people and I understand that she went away but I would not bother to be her friend...

Edited July 1, 2019 by Treakpeak

[preraph]

There comes a time when young people change into adults and find their own identity. It is rare that first young loves survive the transition to adulthood because chang is so fast and the need to explore and see what's out there is so urgent.

 

It us just as likely that this relationship with her boss will be a deadend and an unpleasant situation at work, but thT doesn't mean she will be satisfied to come back to you.

 

She is becoming her own person. You are nice to be understanding. Good luck. Date other people.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would be prepare to work hard to get her back but i think its waste of time now. When someone emotionally checks out its to late, but still is this her real love or could be limerence? I know she will not contact me anymore but shall I contact her if I need something cause I would like to keep her as a friend? I have one problem, that I attach to people and I understand that she went away but I would not bother to be her friend...

 

Nobody here can possibly answer that. Even they won't know that yet, until they've been together a while and see how well they work as a couple. It doesn't matter either, really. The point is that she didn't want to continue the relationship with you. Her boss was only the catalyst for a break-up that had probably actually been looming for some time. If it doesn't work out with him, there is no guarantee she will come back to you. Try not to pin your hopes on that.

 

I can't see what you would need from her that would necessitate contacting her, so I wouldn't try it. She isn't the one you can lean on for help anymore. You will have to start looking for other support systems. She will naturally prioritize her new boyfriend anyway, so I am not so sure she'd be willing to your assistance in a given situation. Maybe someday you two could be friends, but now isn't the time for it. You first need ample time to accept the break-up and adjust to life on your own.

 

It sucks, but sometimes these lessons are learned too late. You might want to take time to reflect on how invested you really were too, though. If you'd been known to cheat and take her for granted, there is every chance you were only really there because it was familiar and comfortable.

[Treakpeak]

I really appreciate for all your answers and explanations. Here is my further question from time to time I send her a snapchat and she still checks and sometimes replies where am I going.or where am I. Whats the point of her curiosity if she ghosts me everywhere else. Thank you

[d0nnivain]

You two were together for half of your lives. She replies because she is polite & you will always have shared history.

 

I lived with a guy for 10 years. When we bump into each other, about once every 2 years, we spend a few minutes chatting & catching up. It doesn't mean we want to get back together. It just means that we have shared history & will always wish the other well.

[Treakpeak]

You two were together for half of your lives. She replies because she is polite & you will always have shared history.

 

I lived with a guy for 10 years. When we bump into each other, about once every 2 years, we spend a few minutes chatting & catching up. It doesn't mean we want to get back together. It just means that we have shared history & will always wish the other well.

 

Yea I see because the last snap I sent her was from flight and she replied safe trip I dont know is it better to ignore or to comment something? Whats your opinion regarding that you have the same experience.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yea I see because the last snap I sent her was from flight and she replied safe trip I dont know is it better to ignore or to comment something? Whats your opinion regarding that you have the same experience.

 

Better to what end?

 

In other words, how you reply to a snap you sent in the first place isn't really going to make much difference in the end. It only affects how cordial you two will remain but that's about it. She is replying to you because you reached out and she is being polite, but how you respond thereafter is of little relevance. I don't say that to be unkind, but to highlight the point that you're wondering about insignificant things here.

[d0nnivain]

When she said "safe trip" the only response would have been "thank you." Now that moment passed, there is nothing else to say.

 

You & she are now someone I used to know, nothing more. Personally I would disconnect on social media. You do not need that kind of window into an EX's life. Do you really want to be looking at the pictures of her with her new BF?

[Treakpeak]

When she said "safe trip" the only response would have been "thank you." Now that moment passed, there is nothing else to say.

 

You & she are now someone I used to know, nothing more. Personally I would disconnect on social media. You do not need that kind of window into an EX's life. Do you really want to be looking at the pictures of her with her new BF?

 

 

I replied thanks and asked her how is she doing. After that she answered quickly and asked me where did I go.. It seems I get over her so it doesnt bother me anymore if she is with someone else. But I am thinking to stay friend with her because she is a good girl. Is this good idea or not?

[d0nnivain]

Staying friends with her is a bad idea. When you get a new GF, that woman will not like this friendship.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, staying friends with her is not a good idea.

 

Your feelings are still too strong and eventually she’ll put her boyfriend’s feelings above yours and start keeping you at arm’s length. When you eventually date someone else, she is also not going to like that you are too friendly with a long-term ex.

 

Most exes don’t remain very close after breaking up, OP. The vast majority eventually drift out of each other’s lives as they move on and date others. Maintaining a close friendship with an ex just doesn’t make the list of life’s priorities.

[Treakpeak]

No, staying friends with her is not a good idea.

 

Your feelings are still too strong and eventually she’ll put her boyfriend’s feelings above yours and start keeping you at arm’s length. When you eventually date someone else, she is also not going to like that you are too friendly with a long-term ex.

 

Most exes don’t remain very close after breaking up, OP. The vast majority eventually drift out of each other’s lives as they move on and date others. Maintaining a close friendship with an ex just doesn’t make the list of life’s priorities.

 

 

I understand. But it is very funny because she said to his new boyfriend that she will still meet me from time to time (coffee) and he is a bit jelous, but she said to him thats her choice what she wants to do (need own space). (At least she said to me so, but I believe her, cause she was always honest to me)

 

Its also very funny cause her 1st reply of snap is always careful, if I reply then she always make a longer conversation. Today she asked me where am I, when she saw a photo of plane, and I said on vacation with my bae (I wrote this just that she will not think she can keeps me at arm’s length)

 

 

 

We also agred today to go for a coffee next week cause I need to get my house keys back. I have a feeling like she is always waiting for my snaps but everywhere else like (IG,fb) she ghosts me, except snap, maybe cause her boyfriend does not know.

 

 

I am really busy everyday and I think that I got over her I also start to write to other girls and really makes me feel better.

Edited July 4, 2019 by Treakpeak

[Treakpeak]

I have one further question, even though that she has moved on and has a new BF for more then 1 month, why when I invited her for a coffee, she still accepted invitation?

[ExpatInItaly]

I have one further question, even though that she has moved on and has a new BF for more then 1 month, why when I invited her for a coffee, she still accepted invitation?

 

Because she sees you as a friend, OP. For her, meeting for coffee is just catching up and smoothing the waters. I have had lunch or coffee with exes on occasion (in the past) with no romantic intentions on my part. When I realized they still were holding on to hope, I stopped the meet-ups. She is fine being friendly with you because she emotionally detached from a long time ago.

 

Also, wait and see if that coffee actually happens first. A lot dumpers vaguely agree to things like that and never follow through. Despite what she tells you, she will also put her boyfriend's needs first, and won't meet with you if he genuinely has a problem with it - if she's a decent person.

[Treakpeak]

Here is my latest update: Today is 6 weeks after ex dumped me and we meet for a coffee. We were talking the same way as we did before break up. She mentioned that her new life is completly different, only work and work sometimes she goes biking but thats all (she misses coffees we used to go, and my old friends), she also mentioned that she can talk with me very openly and with her new boyfriend she can not talk about everything, specially about finance he does not want to talk and some other things didnt tell me what. She also asked me why I didnt tell her, I have a new GF (honestly I dont have, I just teased her sister and send her picture of one girl on IG). But it seems it worked .. I told her that this girl is completely opossite of what I expcted but we will see. It seems she recognized that Grass is not greener.

 

 

 

I also told her that I started to train beachvolley (she likes volleyball) and she asked me what did brought me to start playing volleyball and was very surprised about that. I said that I like to learn some new things.

 

 

 

Whats your opinion about everything?

 

 

Thank you

[Blanco]

I think you're playing games. And they aren't working.

 

The coffee meetups are good examples why you shouldn't attempt a friendship with her right now. It's not genuine on your part. You have ulterior motives. You'll spend the hours and days after these meetups poring over everything she said, trying to decipher hidden meaning in what are probably benign comments. I've done exactly what you're doing and it doesn't work.

 

On your end, you think there must be something there if she's willing to meet you. On her end, she is willing to meet you because you are someone she knows well, and doesn't hate. That doesn't mean she is having second thoughts about the breakup.

 

Right now, she sees you as a pal. She's probably relieved that you have accepted her new terms of her relationship with you: A friend with no ill will.

 

The issue is, you don't want that. And if this thing with her boss continues, there will probably come a point where he expresses unhappiness with these coffee dates. And he'll be correct, because again, your motives are not genuine.

 

Like I said, I've done exactly what you're doing and it was never a fruitful strategy. It just kept me attached longer, and gave me a closer view when she started seeing someone else.

[Treakpeak]

Appreciate your prompt reply. Honestly its easy for me to be only friend with her at the moment. But as we spoke she gave me lots of reasons what she doesnt like in her new relationship and we were realy connected in past and the feeling was the same this time (we can talk everything and she mentioned that she is missing that a lot). I feel our connection become very deep in 10 years, but then this happend (she said because of anger, because she was making all the effort in realtionship and cheating...). I had somehow a feeling that she would try again but since I have a GF now she will not make any move because she was always afraid to be alone.

 

 

Since we really understand eachother I really want to give her another chance but dont know how to move closer.

[ExpatInItaly]

You have a new girlfriend already, OP? I can’t decipher if you actually do, or if you essentially invented one to try to make your ex jealous.

 

The approach you’re currently using is really transparent and makes you look kind of desperate. Your ex knows you well; she’ll see right through it.

 

She is weaning off you, too. My bet is that even if she breaks up with the new guy and comes back, she won’t stay back. Maybe it would work for a couple months but then you’ll notice her pulling back and being distant again, and you’ll be right back in Break-Up Ville.

[Reading_Josh]

I don't think what you're doing is the right thing, for either yourself or her.

 

Someone is going to get burned very quickly if it carries on as it is.

 

My advice is to back off, if you want to keep contact (i wouldn't even keep contact to be honest) - keep it via text or whatever, just light messages every week or two. Meeting her at the moment is clearly not for the right reasons and it's going to end in someone getting hurt.

[Treakpeak]

Yes I invented one to make her jealous(I picture one girl and send to her sister via Instagram and her sister immediately told her).

 

She also said that she did this because of anger, because all of the past we had (all I did) and she expected that her new relationship will be perfect but it already raises her concerns because its not like she expected, like she cant have 100% open discussion her boyfriend control her finance and doesn't want to talk about it and so on, she is also afraid she will earn less after singing new contract (dont forget her boyfriend is also company CEO). (I was her first love - and we had a deep connection)

 

After she got home she send me an sms: I am very happy we meet and I can really easily talk to you (meaning she enjoys talking to me). See you

 

Honestly I recognized my mistakes I did in past and I learned a lot in those 6 weeks i have grow. I really feel that I could not connect with someone I did with her and I still liker her.

 

Now I am in some kind of end of the road and dont know what is right to do? Somehow I dont want to burn all this things but rather rebuild it.. because as mentioned I really feel some kind of deep connection.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Treakpeak

[ExpatInItaly]

The first step would be to stop playing childish games. Inventing a girlfriend is something a kid might do, OP, not a grown adult.

 

When your ex figures out you made that up, it’s going to make you look pretty pathetic and insincere, to be perfectly blunt.

 

She won’t want to come back to man who behaves like a boy. So you would be wise to drop that approach immediately.

[Treakpeak]

The first step would be to stop playing childish games. Inventing a girlfriend is something a kid might do, OP, not a grown adult.

 

When your ex figures out you made that up, it’s going to make you look pretty pathetic and insincere, to be perfectly blunt.

 

She won’t want to come back to man who behaves like a boy. So you would be wise to drop that approach immediately.

 

I agree with you but I am seeing a girl but can not say its a girlfriend but seeing someone still doesnt mean its a girlfriend thats why I said I invented one..

 

Based on everything I am kind of confused, as far as I know her I know that she gives 100% into relationship thats why she is still there even though she has doubts.

 

After all I am really confused and dont know anymore what is right and what is wrong But its a fact that deep down I know I love her and regarding the connection we had I would give her a second chance. But based on all your comments I also some kind of agree with you if you make it once you can make it twice ... and so on..

Edited July 11, 2019 by Treakpeak