Terrible, sad breakup - And now he sends mixed signals...

[YosoYella]

Hello all,

 

I'm struggling a little bit here. My ex boyfriend dumped me 2 months and a half ago. We were together for 7 months.

 

During our relationship we were mostly ok together except for the fact that sometimes I felt he was kind of cold. He was always a very serious guy, he didn't use to smile very often. He was involved in the relationship but had hard time when communicating or expressing feelings, so sometimes we had problems for that because I wasn't sure what was going on inside him. It always seemed like I was the one pulling for the both of us and trying to improve the communication between us. However, aside from what I said, we also had a great time together and I could see how much he laughed at my jokes, like he had never laughed like that before.

 

So this day, we went together to his friends' wedding. We had a great time. We spent the whole evening talking and more talking, dancing, hugging, kissing and having a lot of fun; he was all the time telling me how pretty I looked, how lucky he felt to have me as his girlfriend and how much he admired me for what I have achieved in my life. By the end of the night we were drunk enough, and at some point around 2:30 AM a friend of his sent him a message going like "what's up"? I know this girl; she's a good friend of him and she had recently married, so wasn't supposed to be jealous or anything (he actually said to me "look, my friend just texted me") so he didn't hide it; however I was too drunk and stupid and said something like "does she usually text you at this time of night?" kind of dumb and sort of joking on my side to make it lighter, even if it's true that I needed to let it out of my chest. We never had arguments or anything related to jealousy.

 

He acted cold as ice and started ignoring me completely (like other times we had argued before). I got frustrated for this and told him "aren't you gonna say anything?" and he just said "let's go outside". I saw a part of him that I had never seen before: he started yelling at me in the street "this is over, I don't want you anymore!" and mean stuff like "eat up your ****ing insecurities" and "tomorrow you pick up your stuff and you leave my apartment in the morning" -I was staying at his place that night-. We went to his place and he was walking very much ahead of me.

 

I barely said anything, just tried to dialogue calmly with him, thinking all was a product of the alcohol we had, but it was impossible to communicate. He said "I'll sleep on the couch, you can sleep on my bed". The morning after, before he woke up I left. Then that day despite of how bad he treated me, I texted him if he was OK -of course I had the hope to solve what happened, but also I was shocked and couldn't believe it-. Result: he NEVER responded. It felt cruel and deliberated, almost as a punishment from his side.

 

So I decided to fold and not do anything; hours, days and weeks passed and I made up my mind that he was 100% convinced that didn't want me in his life anymore. I cried, I was frustrated, but there wasn't anything else I could do and I was totally sure that he would never come back.

 

But he did.

 

One month and a half later, he texted me. It was an apology message for not having replied to that message I sent - not an apology for how badly he broke up with me-. His message was extremely cold and it didn't feel like a sincere apology. He said "I couldn't respond since I was extremely hurt" - as if I had done something terrible-. I would have loved to respond in a nasty way, but in the end I just said "I don't know what to tell you." So he said "you don't have to say anything, I just needed to let you know". So I didn't say anything else.

 

On those days I was on the local newspapers and radio stations for a prize I won at my job. I knew he would hear about this. So after two weeks (this was 3 weeks ago from today) he texted me again, a bit less coldly, saying that he was coming to my town that day and he wanted to have a coffee with me to congratulate me for the prize; he said "only if you want to". I said "I'll know if I want to when you let me know the reasons why you want to hang out with me". His response: "I appreciate you as a person, you were and are an important person to me. I don't want to cut contact with you and that when we see each other we pretend to be strangers that look at each other with indifference".

 

So what I got from that is that he was offering me a friendship, which I didn't want. I want the full cake and someone that treats me with respect and genuinely wants me in his life, not just breadcrumbs... I told him "I understand, but let's just let things be. I hope everything's good, maybe our paths will cross in the future". It was extremely painful to reject it, but I didn't have other alternative.

 

It doesn't end here. A month or so ago I saw a friend of his at a bar. I was a bit shocked and the situation sort of affected me, but anyway. The thing is that my ex doesn't live in the same town as me. His town is kind of close (half hour by car) but he never comes to my town to go out (he only did when we were together to be with me). So last week I went to this bar (my ex never went to this bar before dating me, it was me who took him there for the first time) and guess what... He was there with the same friend that saw me there before. He saw me and went like "hello -hello-. Congratulations on the prize -thank you-. Ok, bye" and that's it...! Then he was all the time looking at me, of course.

 

Also, I have a blog linked to google analysis where I've been getting dozens of visits from his town these past two months. And now he checks up on my Instagram stories (we don't follow each other). I know this is teenager bs, but I have the sense that he's a bit obsessed. - And me, I'm also kind of obsessed inside myself with all this situation, but to his eyes I have remained static-.

 

Anyway. Here's the thing... Despite all, I still think about him everyday. It's tremendously frustrating because I don't know if he was being completely honest when he said that he just wants to stay in touch, or if he wants more. I wish he communicated more, I wish he wanted to solve things like adults. I have no idea if he misses me and would like to get back together.

 

He probably thinks I'm totally over him, which isn't true. As I said I think about him all the time. But he dumped me, and it was so hard. I was doing more or less fine before he re-appeared a month ago with his mixed signals. And I know I shouldn't give a f*** for someone who broke up with me that way and gave me that kind of silent treatment, but still I wish I could know what's going on inside his head.

 

I think, well, not think; I KNOW I was a good girlfriend. Of course we all make mistakes and we aren't perfect each day of our lives. But I brought so many good things to his life and to our relationship. I made a big effort for us to grow and spend quality time together. I never did anything disrespectful or so bad to him.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to explain the whole situation so you can have a better understanding of it. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, to get it all out of my chest, some opinions about the situation, what should I expect now... Thank you so much for reading me

Edited July 1, 2019 by YosoYella

[FMW]

If your description of what happened when you broke up is accurate, then he over-reacted by a long shot. That usually denotes guilt.

 

Sounds like he wants you back, at least as an occasional option. But he hasn't given you a good reason for his reaction and unless he does I would steer clear of him.

[YosoYella]

If your description of what happened when you broke up is accurate, then he over-reacted by a long shot. That usually denotes guilt.

 

Sounds like he wants you back, at least as an occasional option. But he hasn't given you a good reason for his reaction and unless he does I would steer clear of him.

 

Yeah, the break up was pretty much as I described. I didn't want to act angry at him because I actually felt embarrassed to feel jealous for that, but I rather say what I feel instead of keeping it. What made me "angrier" was his silence and cold faces, this is when I tried to make him react by asking him why was he so silent.

 

He wants me back but just sends signals... Doesn't say anything...

[ExpatInItaly]

He wants me back but just sends signals... Doesn't say anything...

 

I don't see where he actually indicated this.

 

I get how you're interpreting it that way, but there is little evidence that he is seriously considering reconciling. Maybe he just wants his ego stroked, maybe he wants you as a back-up for when he's lonely or horny. But, he had the chance to let you know if he wanted more than friendship, and didn't.

 

And really, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who flies off the handle and stonewalls you?

[YosoYella]

I don't see where he actually indicated this.

 

I get how you're interpreting it that way, but there is little evidence that he is seriously considering reconciling. Maybe he just wants his ego stroked, maybe he wants you as a back-up for when he's lonely or horny. But, he had the chance to let you know if he wanted more than friendship, and didn't.

 

And really, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who flies off the handle and stonewalls you?

 

No, in theory I don't want it... But still miss him I guess I still dream that things could be solved, that if we spoke like adults, shared what we feel deeply and communicated properly it could work. I suppose this is just a fantasy of mine.

[ExpatInItaly]

It seems to be largely fantasy at this point, yes. You miss who you wished he was, but not who he actually is.

 

You two have incompatible communication styles. You are who you are, he is who he is. It's a mix that doesn't work, and given that he appeared to be unwilling to meet you half-way, it's not going to work.

[lana-banana]

I don't think these are really mixed signals. He probably feels lingering guilt over the whole incident (and I agree with ExpatInItaly; it's not impossible that he was doing something he shouldn't have been and felt called out) and knows he overreacted. But he's not making any overtures to actually reunite with you, and I highly doubt that's just because he thinks you're over him. When you truly want to be with someone, you move mountains to make it happen. You don't say "oh well, missed my chance, too bad."

 

I'm more confused about why you want to be with him at all. You say he repeatedly went cold and ignored you when you were fighting, and then yelled at you and told you to "eat your insecurities"? Why would you want to be with someone so immature and mean?

[mark clemson]

FWIW I'm getting a personality-disordered vibe from what you describe. Hot, then suddenly very cold, then sort of starting to reel you back in and he takes up a lot of "space" in your thoughts even though you never actually see the real him. People like this can wreak absolute havoc on your emotions and rarely are they affected (by you - they have their own problems internally that never really get solved except possibly by a trained therapist, but YOU don't matter much to them).

 

Agree with the advice to steer clear of this guy. Good advice IMO. Suggest you FULLY resolve to make a clean break, go no contact (NC), and move on with your life. Think this person has the potential to do a LOT more harm than good in your life. If I'm right, you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. Stay away.

Edited July 1, 2019 by mark clemson

[YosoYella]

Thank you all for your advice,

 

Here through a forum it doesn't show, but i'm a highly sensitive person. All this matter is affecting me deeply and since I tend to over analyze everything, at some point I've seen myself inside a loop where I try to understand what could be going on inside his mind.

 

I guess I just have to be patient with my process of grieving, but these past weeks have been hard with his reappearances. They made it all more confusing, and I took this signs and messages as if they actually meant something.

 

I'm not a kid, I'm 31 years old and my ex is 36. We're grown up people. But it's the first time in my life where a guy breaks up with me and then he reappears to catch my attention. This is new for me. I guess other times I used to beg and try to convince the guy to stay, but this time I didn't create any dramas.

 

And for those who ask me why I want to be with this person. Sometimes we're not rational when it comes to love, even if we should be. Sometimes we need to ease our pain by expressing what we feel (as I'm doing here) and the process is like a wave, we feel stronger, then we feel weak, and so on. And in the process sometimes you see the bad on that person, sometimes you see the good. It's a bit of a rollercoaster.

 

Also, I try to make up my mind that if the guy doesn't say it directly, it means he doesn't want us to get back together. However there are different variables here to consider, such is his personality, his pride and stubborness, his insecurities. I'm not saying he wants me but is too coward to admit it, but could be. The problem is that if I hold on to this possibility I'll consume myself waiting for something that could never happen.

[fly_again]

His response: "I appreciate you as a person, you were and are an important person to me. I don't want to cut contact with you and that when we see each other we pretend to be strangers that look at each other with indifference".

 

He discarded you with yelling at you on the street, ignored you for weeks, then he says you're an important person to him - aaaalright. I don't think these are mixed signals, he just doesn't want to fully lose you as an option to give him potential emotional/other support in the future.

 

I think there are two main reasons why you still think about him this much - the first one is because you still have hope that he realizes his mistake and value you as you would like to. Small talks, replying to breadcrumbs (even with cold/diplomatic messages) and checking his online activities all prevent you to move on and keep you in a state where you still think about his movements and try to figure out what they could mean.

 

The other reason is a theory, may be because of the effect of silent treatment. You said he always went cold and ignored you when you two had to talk about some serious topics or argued about something, so you were trained to wait for him to come back after HE decided to do it. It's seriously damaging and creates bonds which are hard to break. So to make it simple, your brain thinks it's just a longer silence from him than usual and it's waiting for him to return again, just like he always did before.

[YosoYella]

He discarded you with yelling at you on the street, ignored you for weeks, then he says you're an important person to him - aaaalright. I don't think these are mixed signals, he just doesn't want to fully lose you as an option to give him potential emotional/other support in the future.

 

I think there are two main reasons why you still think about him this much - the first one is because you still have hope that he realizes his mistake and value you as you would like to. Small talks, replying to breadcrumbs (even with cold/diplomatic messages) and checking his online activities all prevent you to move on and keep you in a state where you still think about his movements and try to figure out what they could mean.

 

The other reason is a theory, may be because of the effect of silent treatment. You said he always went cold and ignored you when you two had to talk about some serious topics or argued about something, so you were trained to wait for him to come back after HE decided to do it. It's seriously damaging and creates bonds which are hard to break. So to make it simple, your brain thinks it's just a longer silence from him than usual and it's waiting for him to return again, just like he always did before.

 

Thanks for your message,

 

Yeah, I didn't feel important for him at all that night. I think he wanted to meet to test the waters, see how he felt, maybe have me there somewhere, take it slowly... Basically playing selfishly with my heart because of his doubts or feelings of guiltiness.

 

I was very much disconnected from his activity in social media; I deleted, unfollowed, etc. but didn't block him. So that's how he could still text me, and that's how even if we don't follow each other on Instagram, I can see when he goes to see my stories (however I post every two weeks or so, I don't use social networks all the time)

 

However I guess I should go further and block him, because when I see his name on my stories views, it really messes up with my mind. He knows I can see this and does it on purpose; to me this is even insulting.

 

Regarding silent treatment, when we were together I was the one chasing him when he used it against me. I was always the one trying to speak, to have a talk about us and solve the problem. The times we argued it was mostly because I felt him very much disconnected from me. We didn't live in the same town and it was important to keep a good communication via Whatsapp, but he could spend hours without texting. He did reply immediately, but practically never had the initiative to text first or surprise me with a "good night" text or call; I was always trying to find the balance on this and that's how we ended up arguing a few times. He said that I was too "needy" and "dependent" and I doubted if he was right or if I had reasons to feel annoyed and insecure with him. Silent treatment didn't help at all. Sometimes we can feel insecure, like when I was asking him for more attention when we weren't together in the same town, but he was not helpful with his reaction to this. Anyway, I guess all this doesn't matter anymore.

 

This time, he gave me silent treatment and didn't chase him. Maybe my brain is trained to chase him after our relationship, but now I'm making a HUGE effort not to do it and move on. I think he was sure I would run after him as I always did inside the relationship.

[preraph]

Beware because what I've noticed is that men who break up with you but still act like they want to stay in touch really are just angling to keep having sex when it's convenient for them in between dating their new women. They don't want you back but like to collect people to have sex with.

[YosoYella]

Beware because what I've noticed is that men who break up with you but still act like they want to stay in touch really are just angling to keep having sex when it's convenient for them in between dating their new women. They don't want you back but like to collect people to have sex with.

 

I see what you mean, but i don't think this is the case. He wanted to get rid of his feeling of guiltiness, at least that's what I think.

[lana-banana]

Everyone wants to believe that their situation is different, that s/he's spending tortured nights thinking about you but can't bring himself to swallow their pride, etc...nope. If someone really and truly wants to be with you they will be. Oftentimes all that stalking just means they have a guilty conscience and they want to know you're doing all right, because if you're doing okay or "over it" then they're not such a bad person for hurting you.

 

My worst ex did this. He was constantly pestering my friends about how I was and in the weeks after our breakup, and even telling them that we'd probably get back together soon. (We didn't, of course. He left me for a chick he'd known for years who is now his wife.) It wasn't like he was trying to hurt me even more, it's just that in his immature mind he needed me to be okay because then that meant that he was okay too.

[YosoYella]

Everyone wants to believe that their situation is different, that s/he's spending tortured nights thinking about you but can't bring himself to swallow their pride, etc...nope. If someone really and truly wants to be with you they will be. Oftentimes all that stalking just means they have a guilty conscience and they want to know you're doing all right, because if you're doing okay or "over it" then they're not such a bad person for hurting you.

 

My worst ex did this. He was constantly pestering my friends about how I was and in the weeks after our breakup, and even telling them that we'd probably get back together soon. (We didn't, of course. He left me for a chick he'd known for years who is now his wife.) It wasn't like he was trying to hurt me even more, it's just that in his immature mind he needed me to be okay because then that meant that he was okay too.

 

I don't know. What you're describing is a totally different situation.

 

My ex tried to make me look like "the bad one" and even punished me with silence for that, this attitude is full of pride. Yours was feeling like an ******* because leaving someone for another person is something too obvious. You couldn't be the bad one there, just him. So his only way to feel better was to make sure you were healed, as you said.

 

My ex made me feel like **** deliberately and punished me. When things got reverted, he started to chase when he saw his game didn't work. Something like "why isn't my dog chasing me anymore?" - There's a lot of ego going on here. I know he hates to see me well, he'd love me to be crying for him in every corner in order to have the control.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know he hates to see me well, he'd love me to be crying for him in every corner in order to have the control.

 

What exactly attracts you to someone you describe this way?

 

It may be a lot of ego for you, too, really. It hurts to not have someone wanting you, even though the person in question is not that awesome anyway. This could be more related to the sting of rejection than the loss of a potentially great partner.

 

Just something to chew on.

[YosoYella]

What exactly attracts you to someone you describe this way?

 

It may be a lot of ego for you, too, really. It hurts to not have someone wanting you, even though the person in question is not that awesome anyway. This could be more related to the sting of rejection than the loss of a potentially great partner.

 

Just something to chew on.

 

Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people. It happens when we're born humans.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people. It happens when we're born humans.

 

Yes, of course. You say this as though it's some big revelation. It's not.

 

My point was that perhaps your ego is getting in the way, and the pain of being rejected is hurting you more than the loss of a truly wonderful man. Ask yourself what exactly you are in love with, rather continuing to sell yourself the narrative that you're only human and love is illogical - you're not doing much reflecting here, but that very reflection might just be the catalyst in letting go and healing.

[Maddie82]

Hi YosoYella, i think you are allot stronger than you make out. You did the right thing by shutting it down when he wanted to re-connect . I do agree with others that you should steer clear of this guy because you deserve so much better. His treatment of you is abusive and controlling. If you went back with him then you would be living in fear or him being cold and breaking up with you again. This is no way to live and relationships or not supposed to be like that. Block him on everything. Block his number and officially move on. Have a great future with a great guy who will treat you the way you deserve

[SpiceCat]

Another vote for a guilty conscience here. I think he was cheating on you and he attacked you as a form of defense..now he feels guilty for treating you so poorly. I don't believe he wants you back, I think he wants to absolve himself of his guilt and get a few ego strokes at the same time.

[preraph]

I think it's ego and the best way for him to soothe his ego would be to get you to sleep with him again.

[stillafool]

I've noticed that a lot of men are "rejecting" women lately by ghosting or breaking it off with them. Women were never put in a position to be rejected in the past the way they are today. In the past a guy just didn't approach a girl he wasn't interested in so she never got blatant rejection. Now men and women have so many options it's easier to reject and move on to the next one without even a phone conversation. I've noticed that rejection creates an obsession with the dumper making the dumpee want them back just to prove to themselves they were good enough. I wish women would take men's words as the truth instead of trying to read a deeper meaning into them. The majority of men aren't that deep.

 

OP, I've been through breakups where the fault was put on me too. Most people fault the other person as to why the relationship didn't work. That is nothing new in the break up book.