My Mother is having an affair with a married man

[Confused1000]

I'm new so this may be under the wrong topic, sorry.

I'm 19 and my mother is 36. She had me when she was 16. My father has never been in the picture and that's never been a problem in my life. We are incredibly close to my mother's parents and siblings. My first cousins are like my siblings. I never felt like I was missing out on life regardless of the less than ideal way I came about being born.

My mother has always been a bit cold and manipulative. It's hard to explain because I love her and we have always been close, but she does things like wont let me have friends around to the house or any time we have a small argument she loses her temper (and its scary) and will throw it in my face how much she has done for me and how much of her life she has given up for me. Keeping in mind I don't smoke, drink or ask for money and I've always done well in school and am in college at the moment. I can be moody and everything but I have never brought any trouble to her door or done anything that would reflect badly on my family.

This weekend I finally found out that she is having an affair with a married man. I have known something was going on as she has been leaving the room to talk on the phone, speaking in hushed tones on the phone and arguing with someone on the phone a lot while not telling me who it was. I thought maybe she was just seeing someone and was not ready to tell me. I became suspicious that something wasnt right as she has been using two phones, telling me her old one she only kept as some people did not have her new number yet. Her old phone has the app that I use to topup my travel card, as I have an iphone that cannot install the app. On one occassion I picked up the phone to use it to top up my card and it had a notification on the screen for a facebook account that wasnt hers. She had a fake facebook account. I didnt want to ask her what was going on as I know what her temper is like and I am very soft in comparison. But this weekend I picked up her phone to top up my card and she had a text notification on it calling her a homewrecking whore.

Now i had told my mother months ago that I was going through a hard time and was feeling depressed and she reacted poorly and never asked me how I felt since then. She has just been ignoring my existence and making me feel unwanted in my own home.

I left the house as she had gone out to get food and i didnt want to confront her. I went to my grandma's house and I was crying and I asked her about it. She knew about it but my mother had told her months ago that it was over. The man is married and has three young kids. My mother responded to me knowing by telling me its over, hysterically crying, threatening to leave and "just keep driving" and telling me that she's given up everything for me and that all the boyfriends she's had in the past havent worked out because of me.

I stayed in my grandma's that night and now I'm home and she's barely speaking to me. She says shes embarrassed that people know about it and I feel like she is blaming me for talking to my grandma about it. I know that I'm not a child anymore and her love life is her love life, but she is the only parent I have. I know everyone makes mistakes and I told her that I still love her, but she just seems to be blaming me. I told her that I feel that this affair has meant that when I needed help the most in my life with my mental health, she abandoned me. She said I was acting as if she was a murderer. I don't know where to go from here with her.

Edited July 1, 2019 by Confused1000

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Your mom is full of shame and is blaming you instead of facing it head one. She's lashing out at you purely out of anger with herself. Nothing she's ever accused you of is your fault.....this is about her. Not you. I hope you know this. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, so I'm sure you do.

 

As difficult as it may be to do, I think your best course of action right now is quiet compassion. Don't engage. Don't criticize. Stay calm. Show love, but keep a distance.

 

Is there any way you can get some individual counseling to help you cope with your mental health issues you've been having? Your mom is not emotionally capable of helping you with these problems (and probably never has been).

 

Your mom definitely needs some counseling, too.

[FMW]

CautiouslyOptimistic's post is right on the nose.

 

I'm sorry for your situation

[BaileyB]

I agree with the above. Well said, CO.

 

Confused, are you attending school. If so, there are usually free counselling services available. If not, consider talking to your physician to ask for a referral. Or, try a women’s health clinic.

 

Unfortunately, your mom can’t be your support right now because she is dealing with her own problems. Best to find a counsellor or lean of friends, if you have close friends. You could also talk with your grandma but that puts her in a difficult position. No doubt, she would do what she could to support you.

 

You are always welcome to keep posting here. There is lots of support for you here too. Hugs.

[Confused1000]

Yes I'm going into my second year of college/Uni but I won't be back there until September. The waiting list is months long but I'm going to make an appointment when I go back.

 

To be honest I think living with her is hard and it's a big part of my struggle, I was hoping when I said something she might realise I needed her. But yeah she has her own problems I know that now.

 

Thanks so much for your kind words.

[BaileyB]

Is there any way you could stay with your grandmother or a friend, without causing more conflict?

[Confused1000]

I have plenty of people I could stay with but when I went to my gradmother's after finding this out my mother told me i had "made my choice". Despite the fact that I was crying on the phone to her trying to understand the choices she's been making.

If I left it might push her over the edge. I don't think she would ever harm herself but if she did I couldn't have the thought that me leaving contributed to it.

[schlumpy]

Is alcohol one of your mother's problems?

[Confused1000]

Is alcohol one of your mother's problems?

 

Actually no. She does drink but very rarely. No drugs either.

[BaileyB]

I have plenty of people I could stay with but when I went to my gradmother's after finding this out my mother told me i had "made my choice". Despite the fact that I was crying on the phone to her trying to understand the choices she's been making.

If I left it might push her over the edge. I don't think she would ever harm herself but if she did I couldn't have the thought that me leaving contributed to it.

 

That’s an awfully big burden for someone to carry, especially when you are a “child.” It’s important for you to remember, whatever you decide, your mother is responsible for her own choices.

 

You didn’t cause her problems, and you can’t cure her problems. The only think you control in this situation is yourself.

 

I hope you get some counselling, or your grandmother can provide some guidance. These are tough things for anyone to deal with, at any age.

[emotionallybroken9]

Your mom is still a child

 

She had you when she was 17. For whatever reason, she got pregnant. For whatever reason, she kept the baby. She got knocked up at 17. Imagine yourself being a parent 2 years ago. You wouldn't be able to go to college. All potential partners are off the table. And you can't take a break, ever. 24/7 you have to take care of the child you birthed. The alternative is abortion, which means you wouldn't exist.

 

Your mom's resentment is targetted at you, when it should be targetted at herself. Her parents didn't prepare her properly, so here she is. 19 years later. 19 long years, filled with resentment of her life. Then she had an affair with someone that wanted to escape their own life, like your mom is trying to escape hers. She also ruined another 4 lives (other wife and 3 kids). The husband of that marriage also ruined it.

 

It's all been a cluster****. I'm saying this to you because no one posted her point of view. I'm saying this to also let you know that your mom has ZERO right to blame you for HER actions, and subsequent actions. She probably hates herself so much that she refuses to target it inwards because that's scary, thus, she's targetting all those around her.

 

You're only 19. Your job in life is to get ready for independence in the future. Learn from what happened to your mom. Support her when SHE asks for it, but focus on yourself and your health. She's going through hell right now, and reality is caving in on her. She NEEDS counselling/therapy.

 

She's also losing her 19 year old kid, her last 19 years. She's thinking, "what did I give up my life for?" Again, her decisions, not yours. That's not what kids are for. That's not your purpose in life. She never got a chance to mature properly. Became an adult before her time. Someone (not you) needs to encourage her to get therapy. I hope she gets the help she needs.

 

As others said, give her compassion and love. She's only 36. She has her whole life ahead of her, AND she has a kid that's well adjusted enough to come on here alone

 

Don't ever blame yourself. EVER. You're a human, just like she is. Hopefully at 36, she can start making decisions for herself. HEALTHY decisions. Give her time. She'll turn around. It's a lot harder to give up family than you think Trust me I know, and these people know as well.

 

<3 to both of you, cuz damn, what a cluster****.

[Confused1000]

emotionallybroken9 ..... I understand that it must've been extremely difficult for my mother to have me at such a young age. But to get a few things straight - my whole family are pro choice and my grandparents would've paid for her to get an abortion if she wanted. Also in regards to her parents not preparing her, this is not true. When I was born we lived with my grandparents for years and they helped her to raise me and are two of the best people I know. I don't think her inability to come to terms with her situation in life can be blamed on them at all. That would be like me going off the rails and blaming the fact that I had no father in my life or that my mother had me young.

 

Recently we had a discussion about her job where I encouraged her to leave her ****ty job and go back to college and offered to support that move. Like you said she is only 36. I am willing to help her. I wouldn't still be in this house if I didn't have compassion and empathy for her. It's her that has very little for me.

 

I have compassion and I accept that life is hard. But the facts aren't right here. She has and has had an extraordinary amount of help the whole time.

[emotionallybroken9]

I'm glad I really am! Also sounds like youre quite well on your way for a successful life, which is good to hear. Sorry for making assumptions, but that's the internet for ya~

 

It really sounds like she needs to go to counselling, ASAP. Good thing that she has you and her folks. Also glad that it sounds like you're not taking any blame

 

Mind telling us what happened with your dad? Also, are you male or female? More details = clearer picture = better advice from the internet

 

Some IC would do wonders for her. Hope she's not getting bad advice from friends or whatever.

[preraph]

Stop thinking you're going to push your mother over the edge. She is always acting like you're just a big heap of trouble to her, when it's her own decisions that are what has put her in this bitter attitude.

 

Do not stay there if you don't want to. It sounds to me like she'd enjoy not having the responsibility. And I know that's hurtful -- but your mom isn't a very good mom and is blaming a perfectly good daughter for her own issues. So your mom has her own life to live as she chooses based on decisions she's made, and now you have your own one life, so you follow your path and stop feeling like you have to take care of your mother.

[Confused1000]

The initial post was long enough so I left quite a lot out lol sorry. I'm a female. My dad basically just left not long after I was born just couldn't handle the responsibility I suppose - by the time I was born he and my mam weren't together anymore. He didn't come from a very stable family and I know from multiple sources that he is not a very nice person. Messaged my mam a couple of years ago about me and instead of asking how I am doing or how school was going all he asked was if I was seeing any boys. Has kids with another woman which have been taken by child services. I have no interest in ever having a relationship with him.

 

Th only people she talked about this with is my grandmother and two of my aunts. They all told her she should end it but were also very supportive of her - they really didn't want me t find out or this to hurt me in any way. This was about a year ago and she promised she would end it, but she hasn't and now they know that. They are hurt too by her actions as she lashed out at everyone who tried to tell her she was wrong. They are still there for her but she is just so absorbed in herself and blaming everyone else for this that she can't see that we are all hurting too and just want to help her

[Confused1000]

Preraph - thank you and I know you're right. She has been a good mother at times and it isnt all bad, and it's always been just the two of us so it's hard to leave and forget that.

 

I will leave if it comes to it though. I just hope I don't have to. It's hard when she always has taken care of me in terms of putting food on the table and clothes on my back and it's not like I never felt loved or anything. She just has a very bad side too and falls down on the emotional side of things sometimes.

[mark clemson]

FWIW I too think the blaming you aspect of this is unfair. And I agree that, given the specifics of your situation, your best course of action is to stay on the sidelines of this until your mother works her situation out. Be supportive without supporting the action of the affair itself.

 

At the risk of stating the obvious, this isn't a healthy model to base your future relationships on. It sounds very much like you recognize that and will go forward with your life accordingly.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I will leave if it comes to it though. I just hope I don't have to. It's hard when she always has taken care of me in terms of putting food on the table and clothes on my back

 

I may have misinterpreted this, but you don't owe her anything for providing your basic needs for 18 years . Can you imagine if we all never left our parents because we owed it to them to stick around for keeping us alive for 18 years?! If you're able to fly the nest your mom has at least done somethingright.

 

I have a daughter a year younger than you. When she moves out I can guarantee I will not be saying "I can't believe she's leaving me....what an ungrateful woman!" I will be proud of her, and myself, because....well, mission accomplished.

[schlumpy]

I really feel for you. My mother was not all she could be either. Still, we have to make the best of the hand that we are dealt.

 

You can't help your mother. You can allow her to use you but that's about it. You can become a vessel she will pour all of her despair into. Your concern now should be to carve out a safe space for yourself either at home or with a relative where you can continue your studies and get a good job. Once you are on your own and self sufficient you can then give thought to helping your mother. Do not let her drag you down.

 

I know we are supposed to learn how to live a good life from our parents but that's only when they are doing it right. What if they are doing it wrong? You can still learn from them. Instead of learning the right thing to do you can learn how to avoid doing the wrong thing mostly because you see and experience the consequences of their bad choices.

 

Keep your head down, avoid conflict and do the best you can with your studies. That's your way out!

 

Best Wishes

[pepperbird]

It sounds to me like your mother has a lot of anger and resentment, and that she is also very selfish.

 

That's not your fault. She had choices,and she made them. She doesn't get to bring that down on you. She has a lot of growing up to do.

[pepperbird]

I

 

I have a daughter a year younger than you. When she moves out I can guarantee I will not be saying "I can't believe she's leaving me....what an ungrateful woman!" I will be proud of her, and myself, because....well, mission accomplished.

 

OP,

I also have kids your age, and as a parent, my job is to help prepare them for life so they can be independent, happy and well adjusted. Of course I've made a not of mistakes, but that's on me, not them.

[BaileyB]

I have a daughter a year younger than you. When she moves out I can guarantee I will not be saying "I can't believe she's leaving me....what an ungrateful woman!" I will be proud of her, and myself, because....well, mission accomplished.

 

This. They should be very proud, they have raised a smart, strong, and compassionate young woman. Don’t ever let anyone - sadly, even your mother - make you feel “less than.”

 

You were a gift and a blessing to your family. You are about to step out into the world and live your best life. Although your mother is having a hard time and confused right now, this is what every mother wants for her child...

[BTDT2012]

You aren't responsible for your mother's choices. She should be very proud of you. I hope she will end things with the married man, as it will lead to nothing but heartache for everyone.

 

 

Keep up with your studies and live a good life. You can love your mother and disapprove of her actions.

[The Outlaw]

Don't ever let anyone shame you into thinking something they did is your fault. It was her decision to have an affair with a married man and that's on her alone, and has nothing to do with you. Perhaps she does feel guilty and wants to project her anger onto someone else because she's in denial and psychologically speaking, takes a load of her shoulders. That doesn't make it right, but that's just how some people tend to react. As already said, best thing you can do is simply steer clear of her and see how it goes.