how to kindly raise some concerns 3.5 years into relationship

[simplicity1]

Hi all,

I (F28) have been with my boyfriend (M31) for 3.5 years now. By most metrics, it's a too-good-to-be-true situation. We established extremely good communication habits that have allowed us to avoid any major fights, we have a lot of overlapping hobbies that keep us active and outdoors together, we go out of our way to support and listen to each other, and we have a similar willingness to indulge as best as possible in each others sexual fantasies.

 

But lately something has been coming up - I've noticed that my boyfriend is extremely dull and difficult to engage with in social settings. It's weird - when we first started dating I checked for this - we used to tell each other how awesome it was that we could both trust each other in social situations to engage with others and not have to be codependent. But I'm losing that trust, having seen him over the last few months. I really cannot tell if it's me waking up to something or him changing.

 

To provide two examples - recently at a wedding of my high school friend he just kind of silently followed me around. My friends would try to engage with him and he would give short answers. I would try to change the conversation topic to something I know he cares about and he still would hardly engage. I asked him about it afterwards and he said "I was tired and to be honest they didn't make much of an impression on me either".

 

Another time, he hosted a quick dinner at his house with me and his friends before a concert. He spent half the time vigorously scrubbing dishes while I was left to engage his friends. He easily could have saved this dish scrubbing for later - it was super weird and offputting that he was doing it. I went over and offered to sub in for him, and he seemed weirdly annoyed that I offered.

 

Anyway I broached this topic twice with him already. The first time he said that he has been feeling stressed, so I asked if I could help relieve that stress at all. Another time I also asked him if he thought his friends respected him and he said "in some periods of life I'd have said yes, but currently I'd say maybe" and then he didn't say anything else.

 

His family is extremely insular and miss social cues - I'd have been more bothered by this except that my boyfriend explicitly told me and showed me in the past how he's worked to differentiate himself from his family's tendencies and values.

 

Generally I gravitate towards charismatic, sarcastic, witty types. I knew when starting to date my boyfriend that I would be sacrificing these qualities as he's more of a grounded, genuine, and slow/softspoken type. I am totally ok making this sacrifice, but I do have a minimum bar, which is that I need to be dating someone who holds his own, engages well with people, and generally leaves a good impression in social situations.

 

But it's pretty inconsiderate to make this all about me - for the first time in our relationship I'm having difficulty communicating this sentiment to him, and I've been feeling my raw sexual attraction to him dwindling more and more each time I have to be around him and other people.

 

Any suggestions?

Edited July 1, 2019 by simplicity1

[FMW]

Is this the only area of your relationship that has changed? My first thought would be that he has some issues with the relationship that he's not discussing with you.

 

If not, then he's having issues with some other part of his life - work, family, friends, or some kind of "Life Crisis" where he's re-evaluating things.

 

Whatever it is, he seems not to be ready to share it with you yet.

[Beendaredonedat]

Is he distant or sullen when its just the two of you?

[d0nnivain]

At the wedding he probably just didn't care for the people he was meeting & thus he followed you around. Him doing that is better then him sulking at the table, isn't it?

 

At his house he probably felt comfortable enough that you & the other guests knew each other well enough that you were the Hostess in his absence.

 

My husband is not a social guy. I "left" him at a party yesterday. He was happy to sit in the back yard, drink a beer & play on his phone while the party went on around him. I was off socializing with my GFs cruising through to check in on him. A couple of the other guys pulled into their group; still he sat there on the phone speaking when spoken too. Everybody knows this is his way & they are all cool with him. I think it's kind of rude & I complain when he wants to be on the phone instead of interacting with me. but I do try to give him alone time.

 

It's who he is. Take it or leave it but don't try to change him too much. Little changes are OK, like asking him not to leave you to play hostess in his house or in my case, asking that he put the phone down.

[BaileyB]

I tend to agree. My boyfriend is not particularly social. Do I wish he was more social sometimes, sure. But, I know tat it is who he is and I’m ok with that. Nobody can tick all the boxes... If everything else is going well, I would try to just show him understanding and acceptance... that’s what love is all about.

[elaine567]

My guess.

He is just reverting to type.

His "dullness" and lack of sociability is probably "genetic" and he cannot easily shake off his upbringing either. When he feels he doesn't want to or doesn't have to, he is not interested in being sociable for the sake of it.

 

Also, as the new sheen has worn off your relationship, you are getting more acutely aware of what you are missing... charisma, sarcasm and wit. Your tolerance for this guy is waning.

You have "settled" and soon he is going to bore you rigid...

[Curiousroxy86]

Wtf I have heard worse

 

Sorry op I’m having a hard time sympathizing with you on this post

 

Sounds like your boyfriends interest in being social has changed or he is actually going through something that’s causing him to be a bit anti social with other people at the moment

 

I am not hearing that he is being less communicative and loving when y’all are together by yourselves. If he was I would think that’s problematic. But if he is still communicative and loving then I would just simply accept that baby is not feeling people anymore (this is me. I use to be social when I was younger and am so not now that I’m older and it’s getting worse lol).

 

I mean it sounds like for the most part you guys have a great relationship based on what you wrote (I could be wrong and there could be more than what your telling us).

 

But if it’s really a deal breaker for you and your literally to the point that you don’t want to have sex with him over it well then you need to have that talk. “Babe I care about how you feel. I notice lately you don’t seem to enjoy being in a social setting like you use to. Is there something wrong?” See what he says. If he still refuse to communicate or pretend there is no issue yet act anti social still or flat out say he don’t want to be social anymore then all you can do is accept him or leave.

 

But is this the hill you really want to die on? I don’t think I would....

[preraph]

I think it's just took this long for him to settle into just being himself and this is who he is. Sounds dull alright. Not sure why he hosts a party and then avoids socializing. That's a bit weird. You can bring it up with him, but not sure that's going to bring back your libido with him.

[Els]

Just to be clear, he's perfectly fine when it's just the two of you, but withdraws in very crowded social settings with lots of people?

 

It wouldn't bother me at all personally, and I don't see why it would unless you're a socialite who NEEDS an extremely extroverted spouse. Of course, it's entirely up to you, but it really boggles me that you would destroy an otherwise-fantastic relationship over something that you have to put up with a few times a year.

[Beendaredonedat]

Just to be clear, he's perfectly fine when it's just the two of you, but withdraws in very crowded social settings with lots of people?

 

It wouldn't bother me at all personally, and I don't see why it would unless you're a socialite who NEEDS an extremely extroverted spouse. Of course, it's entirely up to you, but it really boggles me that you would destroy an otherwise-fantastic relationship over something that you have to put up with a few times a year.

 

I think most of us feel the same way, Elswith.

[FMW]

According to the OP, they've been together 3 and a half years and these changes are only recent. I don't think it takes 3 years for the "real" person to show themselves, so I think there is something new going on.

[elaine567]

I do have a minimum bar, which is that I need to be dating someone who holds his own, engages well with people, and generally leaves a good impression in social situations.

 

This guy is no longer meeting her minimum bar, hence the dissatisfaction...

She wants a guy to be proud of, a normal social guy, not some guy who is unpredictable in social settings and a guy she has to apologise for.

[schlumpy]

I think he is resenting something. I don't know if it's the people or something you are doing but the withdrawal, short answers, disinterest, annoyance because you couldn't read him all say big time resentment.

 

Did he look forward to going to the wedding? Was the dinner party something he whipped up? Was he under any duress to attend the wedding or hold the dinner party?

 

Just my impression.

 

Best Wishes

[simplicity1]

thanks for all of these replies, they've been super helpful to read through and they are helping adjust my perspective.

 

 

yea everything is still great when it's just the two of us, and this is very important for me to recognize more deeply.

[basil67]

He sounds like an introvert. Now, being an introvert doesn't necessarily mean that one sits in a corner and doesn't want to go out, but it does mean that they can only cope with a certain amount of social situations.

 

I am an introvert and in most cases, I'm strong socially. But if I find myself overloaded at an event - guess where you'll find me: In the kitchen doing dishes. It's quiet in there and I can regroup. There's also the thing where I can't do social things back to back: I usually need about 24 hrs down time in between. Making small talk at a wedding with strangers for hours on end is exhausting. It can be done, but if it's a really long wedding - or if there have been lots of social events just prior, it can prove too much.

 

Unless your guy has actually stopped making an effort in all situations, I'd give him a pass for his occasional off days. Nobody is perfect.

[loversquarrel]

If you are trying to change him he will resent the hell out of you. After 3.5 years HE may be coming to the realization that you two might not be a good match, he may be thinking like you.

[CT98]

He sounds like an introvert. Now, being an introvert doesn't necessarily mean that one sits in a corner and doesn't want to go out, but it does mean that they can only cope with a certain amount of social situations.

 

I am an introvert and in most cases, I'm strong socially. But if I find myself overloaded at an event - guess where you'll find me: In the kitchen doing dishes. It's quiet in there and I can regroup. There's also the thing where I can't do social things back to back: I usually need about 24 hrs down time in between. Making small talk at a wedding with strangers for hours on end is exhausting. It can be done, but if it's a really long wedding - or if there have been lots of social events just prior, it can prove too much.

 

Unless your guy has actually stopped making an effort in all situations, I'd give him a pass for his occasional off days. Nobody is perfect.

 

My latest ex ended the relationship partly due to the exact same complaint as the OP.

 

You've just summed up my thoughts perfectly; I'm pleased to get some validation that there's nothing wrong with me.

[Els]

 

I am an introvert and in most cases, I'm strong socially. But if I find myself overloaded at an event - guess where you'll find me: In the kitchen doing dishes. It's quiet in there and I can regroup. There's also the thing where I can't do social things back to back: I usually need about 24 hrs down time in between. Making small talk at a wedding with strangers for hours on end is exhausting. It can be done, but if it's a really long wedding - or if there have been lots of social events just prior, it can prove too much.

 

 

Same here. To be honest I can't stand long weddings - of course I'll do my best to smile and be nice for the sake of the bridal couple, but if it's going to last from 12pm to 10pm, I'm going to be finding somewhere to hide for an hour or so in between the ceremony and the reception...

 

 

(Which is why I made our wedding a lot shorter. )

[BaileyB]

I’m as social as anyone, but there are still days when I don’t want to see people. If there is something preoccupying my mind like stress at work, or if I’m tired, or if I have something else I have to do, or if I have been over committed and I haven’t had much time to myself... I will sometimes leave or be quiet in a social gathering. I don’t see it as a big deal, myself.

 

And again, nobody is perfect. No man will tick all the boxes. If this is truly important for OP, then you have to weigh this with other positives in the relationship. It wouldn’t be enough to make me give up an otherwise good guy... they are not very easy to find.

[Cathy7]

I think that it will be ok - there are moments in people's lives when they don't want to socialize that much, he may need peace and simply you - perhaps this is his stage of life? - and it's perfectly ok. I don't see it, personally, as an issue of co-dependence. Or maybe he has some trouble, he may be depressed? I would say that simply he grew out of the need to overly socialize and I think it did not change his positive qualities.

[Mr. Lucky]

yea everything is still great when it's just the two of us, and this is very important for me to recognize more deeply.

 

I think you're glossing over how destructive your approach can be. You seem to have a great guy with whom you have a wonderful synergy - but it's not enough. This feels like it's more about you than him, as though you fear the intimacy and/or are afraid of success in a relationship.

 

Be careful what you wish for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lana-banana]

I'm not sure what to make of this. I'm a super-introvert married to a super-extrovert, but I am perfectly charming, witty, and engaging in social situations. Feeling awkward in new social settings or finding social interaction tiring is perfectly normal.

 

What doesn't sound normal is not only is he not really engaging with others, but he's refusing their attempts. I hate being in a room where I don't know anyone, but if someone makes an effort then I'm ready to go. The short, one-word answers thing has nothing to do with being introverted. (For the record, it's entirely possible for introverts to be outgoing and engaged and super social, and it's equally possible for extroverts to be shy and awkward and nervous. The actual definition of "introvert" is someone who prefers to be alone to relax and recharge, while extroverts need people for the same. Whether you prefer or don't prefer the company of others has no bearing on your ability to be socially appropriate.)

 

As for the dishes thing, I can understand doing that for a little while and have done it myself, but definitely not for half the time. Maybe like five or ten minutes. You said his family is similar, but how similar? Are they capable of engaging with new people? Does he resemble his parents in social situations?

 

You say that you genuinely don't know whether you're waking up to this or if this is new. You need to find out, because what happens next is quite different. Talk to mutual friends and especially his closest friends---after three and a half years some of them should be comfortable with a conversation like this---and ask what they think is going on. I would also ask your best friends for a pulse check to see if they think he's changed lately. If he really has been this way all along and you're just noticing now then that's just who he is. It does seem odd that you wouldn't have picked up on it earlier, particularly when you first introduced him to friends. Per your own words you suggest that you were both able to function separately and do well in social situations before and now you can't, which sounds like an actual change and not just a matter of settling into a relationship.

 

Don't dismiss the possibility that his stress is turning into depression or anxiety. I know my ability to handle people pretty much disappears when I experience anxious episodes and that isn't just a thing that goes along with being an introvert, it means I need to seriously dial back and make an effort to help myself. If you can pinpoint the first time you noticed something awry and link that to a difficult period in his life, you may have a clue.