Husband with wife menopause and depression (I think) - Am I Doing the right things?

[Northdad]

My W and I have will have been married for 20 years come Sept 2019. Been together since 1993.

 

My history:

- panic attack out of the blue (hindsight indicates work stress) in 2002

- struggled with agorophobia for about a year

- struggled with panic disorder and separation anxiety on and off for 10 years

- last 6-7 years have been good (a couple of minor blips)

- wife supported me fantastically through these times

- 2 amazing kids

- I work as a professional Engineer and never missed work related to my anxiety or stress

 

W's History

- severely depressed when I first met her in 1993

- she indicated after we had our son that my stability allowed her to shake off the depression and lead a very good life

- pretty good marriage until August 2018

- Mar 2018 - our daughter fractured and dislocated her ankle playing rep soccer in front of us (she recovered fantastically, but it really hit my wife hard)

- August 2018 her common law step dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer

- he then served my MIL papers for divorce while in palative care to try to take 1/2 of everything she had (I assume to give to his kids)

-MIL stuggling mentally for years (hoarding, aggression), so my W had to take care of all attorney related issues and negotiations

- Nov 2018 my father passed away (cardiac arrest)

- Jan 2019 legal issues seem to have been resolved

- Jan 2019 my W is demoted at her job (offered a package or a lower paying job due to business conditions - she chose to stay on at a lower pay)

- Feb 2019, common law step father passes away from cancer

- Mar 2019 W stops coming to daughter soccer tournaments to be near her mother (daughter is fully healed now). Had planned these to be family vacations at each tournament lcoation.

- Mar to present my wife has not allowed any intimacy. Says she doesn't feel right (46 - menopause + stress?). Sleeps on couch for the last 2-3 weeks

- June 2019 - MIL diagnosed with onset dementia

- W now stays at her moms place 1 night a week plus one day per weekend to try to clean out the hoard of stuff. While there her mother yells and threatens her

- over the last few months I try to talk to her about everything going on and she says she needs to figure out if she want to stay or go (ie: leave the marriage)

 

So at this point we have a family vacation booked with another family (4th year that we have done this vacation) and my W says she doesn't want to go because MIL has COPD testing appointment. She doesn't trust her brothers to deal with her mom (takes a lot of patience). So going on vacation with kids and other family and not her. Offered to fly her home early to go to appointments, she refused.

 

I guess I am wondering if anyone has been in such a situation. I can see over the last year, my W has gone through multiple huge stressors. I can totally understand her frustation and possible depression. I tell her once a week that I can see that this past year has taken a toll on her and am willing to wait an eternity for her to work things out. I offer any support that she may need (run errands, take the kids to whatever they need to go to, dinners, cleaning, etc - anything to reduce her stress load) As a husband, I feel that this is the time, more than any, that she needs support. She just wont to accept any help. I asked her to go see our GP to get a blood test to check hormone, thyroid (her M has thyroid issues), but I get the impression she thinks I am placing some type of blame on her. I don't know if she will book an appointment.

 

So what do I do? Begin 180 and show that I can handle it myself , so if she wants to go, have at it (not my preferred outcome)? Or do I wait it out doing what I am doing now (no intimacy) and supporting whatever she needs until things become clearer?

 

My history with anxiety allows me to understand how powerful mental health issues can impact a person. I don't want to push her away and put some type of ultimatum (ie: figure it out by X time frame), but I also don't want to live in a relationship with no intimacy.

 

Any insight or similar experience is greatly appreciated.

Edited July 1, 2019 by Northdad

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You sound like a really great husband. You guys have had a REALLY ****ty last year and a half! (I'm so sorry for the loss of your father)

 

I am your wife's age and I can tell you from a very active peri-menopause/menopause group I belong to on Facebook that this time of her life (hormonally speaking) coupled with all of those stressors would be enough to make most of us (in the group) act exactly the same way as your wife. I think it might be really good for her if she could join such a group.

 

As far as getting her hormones tested.....besides thyroid, sometimes there is not much use in doing that unless she's seriously considering HRT. Hormones fluctuate so much this time of life, and really all they can say is, "yep, you're in peri-menopause." Not much else to do other than try some supplements (I will again suggest joining a group). Getting the thyroid checked is smart, though (do as I say, not as I do, as I really need mine checked right now.)

 

I think now is a an appropriate time for you to be acting out the "for better for worse, in sickness and in health" part of your vows. There's nothing in those vows that says "except if intimacy is lacking...." (I know that must be really frustrating, not trying to make light of it).

[Orokotikki]

How sure are you she's at her Mom's when she says she is?

Have you offered to help with MIL issue? Maybe make arrangements to rent a dumpster?

[Northdad]

Thanks Cautiously,

 

The thought of the blood testing was to allow her to possibly understand that her current reactions / thought patterns are likely related to hormone changes along with all the events in her life this past year. It hurts to hear her say she wants to leave the marriage.

 

I absolutely will stand next to my wife until the end of time. I'll be the first one to hold her high when she succeeds and be there to catch her if she may fall.

I guess it's my anxiety poking it's head in to this challenge in my life. By preparing for her to leave (ie: do a 180 and push her away), I can somewhat control the outcome (although the outcome is not what I want). Anxiety works that way. I truly struggle with 'allowing things to fall where they may' and not trying to control the future. It's part of being an Engineer (evaluate all future risks and implement controls/designs to prevent them). That thinking doesn't work well in life. Part of my on-going personal growth and living with an anxiety disorder is continuing to allow myself to feel pain and not try to control it.

 

I appreciate your input. I know my frustration with the current situation is likely so small compared to all the stress that she is going through.

 

She is going away for a girls weekend this coming weekend for 2.5 days (all the other girls are going for 4 days). I hope this weekend allows her to talk to other women her age and possibly feeling similar stresses.

 

Regardless, I will be there when she returns with a smile on my face and hope for a hug when she comes in the door

[Northdad]

Orrokotikki,

 

For sure she is at her moms. She comes back with BAGS of paperwork and garbage that she tries to sneak out of her mom's house. I help her go through the paperwork.

 

I do offer to help out. In fact, I kind of forced it this past week. The MIL car needed an oil change. I told my W, I will take care of it. She said, no its fine. I wouldn't take no as answer and got it done. I spent the morning with my MIL at her house and spoke to MIL about having her daughter there during the week. She laughed saying she hated because my W treated her like my MIL was the child (my W takes control when she needs to).

 

I get the impression, my W doesn't want to ask for help because she feels that her mom is her responsibility. I can see her point of view, but don't agree with it. Plus, she would never forgive herself if something happened to her mom, when she wasn't there.

It's this type of thinking, has me suspecting some type of depression that is fogging up her thinking.

To be honest, I have been there when she is trying to clean up her mom's place. It's pretty intense. Her mom is a hoarder and doesn't want ANYONE touching her stuff.

In fact at one point, my MIL found the room where my W was storing bags to stuff to take it away when my MIL was sleeping. My MIL ripped open each bag and went through EVERY item. Its intense. So a bin is out of the question as my MIL would likely live in it!!!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

North,

 

Having you (or anyone) there helping with the hoard might also just make MIL dig her heels in further with regard to her things, and your wife may realize this. I'm sure it's a pretty delicate dance, getting her to part with things, and one false move can really disrupt any flow they have going.

 

As far as your wife saying she might want to leave the marriage, she could simply be feeling like you are one more person's needs she has to meet and it's overwhelming her.

 

I hope she is able to discuss some of this stuff with her gal pals this weekend. Is she pretty open about this stuff witih others?

[Northdad]

Cautiously,

 

Your insight on the hoarding aspect in spot on. Her mom is very in tune with who comes around and why they are there.

 

As for the girls weekend, she usually (ie: always) shares a room with the same woman. This woman happens to be my best friends wife and thus we are all very close.

I briefly explained the situation to her about what's going on with my W and the comments about leaving. The friend immediately said, that's not her, but agrees such stressful events can cause women at this stage in their life react atypically.

She says she will talk to her this weekend and see where the conversation goes. Likely over a glass of wine in the room, the conversation will start like "hey, how is everything going? How are the kids and XXXX (me)?"

Pending the response she will probe a little further.

I think my W would like to relieve some stress to someone outside of the direct family that doesn't have intimate knowledge of everything going on. I hope this is therapeutic for her.

[Orokotikki]

Not to get off topic but why exactly is your wife doing this with her mom? Is her mom's living conditions unsafe?

 

She's a grown adult, presumably of sound mind.

If your wife takes out 3 bags of trash and her mom just replaces it with more junk does it accomplish anything?

 

I mean, if her mom is safe and happy, just deal with it when she passes.

Pick her up for the holidays on occasion, etc.

Why invite abuse if it gains nothing?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Cautiously,

 

Your insight on the hoarding aspect in spot on. Her mom is very in tune with who comes around and why they are there.

 

I've watched a lot of Hoarders and paid attention to the psychologists!

 

I also have a mom who has way too much stuff and I know all of her excuses for having it, and how/when to get her to part with some of it (and how/when not to).

 

I hope this is therapeutic for her.

 

Girls weekends usually are. I just got back from one.

[Northdad]

Orokotikki,

 

I think my W realizes that she is pretty close to her mother moving to an assisted living facility (assisted retirement) within the next year or 2. She wants to prepare the house for eventual sale. The home location is very sought after. If it can be presented in a way that is acceptable, there are $100k's of value at stake. If and when the move happens, she wants to make the change as quickly as possible and not spend weeks trying to clean it up to make it saleable.

 

The house has DECADES of junk in it. Its a large place with only her mom's stuff in it. What she removes isn't replaced as her mothers mobility is becoming more limited.

Also you need to remember that when my W is at the MIL, its not cleaning up all the time. The MIL won't accept it. It's doing some grocery shopping for her, getting medications, talking (as a daughter should) and cleaning. Thus even though she may be there a 6pm one night and stay over there, she might be only be able to clean up for an hour or so.

 

I'm kind of with you thinking that just let her be and deal with it when it needs to be dealt with. However, I think the 'guilt' of not helping her mom be in a better place causes her to want to help her.

At this point, my opinion is of less importance. I choose to pick my battles and this one is not something that needs to add more stress to the situation.

[ufo8mycat]

Forcing clean ups is the most stressful thing you can do with hoarders. Its an anxiety disorder, you add in dementia and the behaviour is even more challenging.

 

I went through this with my mum last year (also a hoarder) and the reality is - owning all the thinking work is hard. I had my partner offering to help but it still meant I was project manager assigning jobs and thinking it all through.

 

It feels like its just easier to do it all yourself.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

owning all the thinking work is hard.

 

Such true words. Applies to sooo much women face on the daily. Not just hoarding/aging parents.

[Northdad]

Thanks for the posts everyone.

 

All I can do is the best I can do to support my W during this difficult time. Here is what I am doing now:

 

- giving her all the space she needs. She can come and go anytime and spend time with her mom / friends as needed to get through this. I will take care of the kids / home stuff to take the load off

- I am not initiating any intimacy. I will wait for her

- keep my communication during the day with her to a minimum. Let her focus on her work and other priorities. I typically only update her on major events (ie: kids report cards, I can't make a pick up, etc.)

- remind her once a week or so, that she is doing an amazing job juggling her mom, job and us. Also remind her, that I am there to provide any help/support she may need

- keep the kids engaged. They are very smart and are seeing the stress with their M. I am reminding them that she is going through a rough time and to give her the space she needs. Asking them not to question why she may or may not do some things

 

If there is anything else I should be doing (or not doing) to help her through this stage of her life, please post. I did agree to 'for better or for worse' and will stand by this.

 

Thanks,

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think you're doing great, Northdad. It's totally normal for you to feel stressed by this stage in your life, too, so make sure you are practicing some self care.

[ufo8mycat]

 

 

I briefly explained the situation to her about what's going on with my W and the comments about leaving.

 

This is a smart thing to do. My mum went into a nursing home a few weeks after my dad died. Her dementia deteriorated very quickly on her own. I didn't think of leaving my relationship, but I sure as anything wanted to escape the cluster that my life felt like.

 

At the time, my partner, my friends and other family just felt like more people I had to care for. I had to manage my partners disappointment or reaction to things. When my dad died, I spent more time with others and their grief than my own, I also had to take ownership of all the practical things for dad's cremation and mum around the house (services, care, shopping etc).

 

I do have a brother who lives locally but he just seemed to opt out. My dad's ashes are still at the funeral home 8 months later - it was his job to pick dad up.

 

So the "leaving" comments may be a commentary on her life rather than her relationship with you. You are doing awesome but my advice is too OWN stuff. The remembering, the actioning, the doing. The last thing she wants to do right now is more thinking work. She is likely at capacity.

 

Other things that I liked during a similar period:

- My partner owned all the family photos. Mum was happy for him to take them and scan them etc. I also took some stuff for sorting and returned it. So we would do these admin tasks together over a bottle of wine. Is there something that is valuable or important that you could own from beginning to end that would make the pre-clean up clean up easier?

 

- Offer a massage. An actual massage. Then make her a cup of tea and let her go go bed. No other expectations. Sex isn't the same as intimacy

 

- Make her lunch! Own the shopping and cooking during this time. Plan the meals. Just DO.

 

- Give her newsy updates that is conversation, not stuff to do or checklists. She will still want to know what is going on. I got my partner to read me the news paper

 

 

Its a tough one. I live 1800km away from my family so I did the majority of the clean up when mum went into the home over a 5 week period. It was all of my holidays and it STILL isn't finished. It a tough process, physically and emotionally. Stuff can bring up memories, and its good to talk to parents about these things while you still can.

 

My mum had very difficult behaviour around cleaning up - she HATED being treated like a child (which of course, I did). With dementia the normal logical processing doesn't exist. My mum was happy to give things away to "good home"s. So before she went into a home I spent a lot of time with her boxing cosmetics ups for womens shelters etc. It took a lot more time. Time that I couldn't really focus on much else.

 

Hope this helps.

[anika99]

You sound like a really great husband. You guys have had a REALLY ****ty last year and a half! (I'm so sorry for the loss of your father)

 

I am your wife's age and I can tell you from a very active peri-menopause/menopause group I belong to on Facebook that this time of her life (hormonally speaking) coupled with all of those stressors would be enough to make most of us (in the group) act exactly the same way as your wife. I think it might be really good for her if she could join such a group.

 

As far as getting her hormones tested.....besides thyroid, sometimes there is not much use in doing that unless she's seriously considering HRT. Hormones fluctuate so much this time of life, and really all they can say is, "yep, you're in peri-menopause." Not much else to do other than try some supplements (I will again suggest joining a group). Getting the thyroid checked is smart, though (do as I say, not as I do, as I really need mine checked right now.)

 

I think now is a an appropriate time for you to be acting out the "for better for worse, in sickness and in health" part of your vows. There's nothing in those vows that says "except if intimacy is lacking...." (I know that must be really frustrating, not trying to make light of it).

 

 

I second the above. Having recently reached menopause myself I can attest that it's a real trip. Going through such an extreme hormonal change wreaks havoc on a woman, both emotionally and physically. It's so much more than just having a few hot flashes and gaining some weight. It feels like you are losing yourself and turning into a stranger.

 

I will say that sometimes the libido is the first to go but it can come back. I lost all interest for about 2yrs and then my interest returned but by that time I was having physical changes that still made sex difficult. Sex can become very painful in menopause but there is help available. Encourage your wife to discuss what she is going through with her doctor.

 

It is also very important that your wife understand that her experience and feelings are normal and expected. I also belong to a Facebook group for women going through menopause. Don't know if it's the same one CautiouslyOptimistic belongs to as there are a few different groups, however I can say that the group I'm in has helped me tremendously. Just knowing that what is happening to me is normal and I'm not dying or going crazy has made this transition so much easier.

 

For some reason so many women are unwilling to talk openly about their menopausal experience. I think they are embarrassed and maybe afraid of being perceived as old so they suffer in silence. Push your wife to get herself some support as her life (and yours) sounds very stressful and if she is also dealing with hormonal changes then everything is magnified.

[schlumpy]

The one thing I’m missing in your very detailed post is a feeling for the relationship between you and your wife. You have already stated that she has shut down intimacy but what about personal affection? Is she still hugging, kissing, standing close to you? Are you still getting the eye contact that let’s you know you two share a bond? Is there any spontaneous hugging? Quiet words of affection?

 

If not, then for your peace of mind and possibly to save your marriage you are going to have to seek an answer.

 

Your first choice and the one you are highlighting in your post is your wife’s history of depression and menopause compounded by a few setbacks in life. I agree stress can be an explanation, but you don’t indicate you have a doctor’s diagnosis along with a treatment plan. That would certainly put your mind at ease and allow you to move out of limbo and forward.

 

Since you already want to believe this is the answer she must go to the doctor for a through checkup. They either find something or they don’t. She is willing to do this, right? She must see the pain she is causing you. This would be a step in the right direction for the marriage. If she refuses, it’s a huge red flag.

 

But, let’s say the doctors find her hormones are scrambled. They may not be able fix it but at least you have an answer.

 

Worst case is she refuses to go to the doctor and says she needs space and time to get over it. She needs time to be alone and time to think.

If hormones or physical changes in the brain chemistry are suppressing her feelings for you why are they not suppressing her feelings for her mother? Or maybe you have a pet dog or cat that she still shows affection for. Is she incapable of affection or just incapable of affection towards you?

 

Where did the affection go? Did you kill it? If not, has it been refocused? That is a question you need to answer sooner than later.

 

You are taking the first step by securing the cooperation of her friend, but you also need independent verification.

 

That means you must snoop.

 

I don’t see where you have any other choice. She’s already talking about bailing. You are taking on a disproportionate share of your marriage that will eventually break you without her support. If she follows the script so many others have her next move will be to tell you “she loves you but she doesn’t love you in that way” or some variation of that theme.

 

You might reply to me that she doesn’t have the time to be involved in another relationship but if she has a cell phone an emotional relationship is just a phone call away and it will steal the soul from your marriage just as easily as if she was actually meeting someone.

 

I truly hope this isn’t the case. It is my sincere wish that you and your wife live happily ever after. I just recently passed my 45th wedding anniversary and I hope you will do the same. You sound like a fine man and husband and I wish I could measure myself by your value system but I’m afraid I would fall far short.

 

I just reread your post and I see she doesn't want to go to the doctor.

 

 

Whatever you decide to do – don’t sit in limbo.

 

Best Wishes

[Northdad]

Schlumpy,

 

I can see your point of view and have definitely thought about this. Affection is limited at best. I still see glimpses of it. A kiss here and there.

We still have a date night once a week while our daughter is at soccer where we talk about work and other stuff going on around us. Not about our marriage as it's too public of an area.

 

I agree that she could be just checking out of the relationship and will eventually say "I love you, but I am not in love with you". I can accept that since I feel as I have done what I can do to be the best father and husband I can be. However, what makes me think it is not just about me is her relationship with our kids / friends. From March onward she hasn't come to any games/tournaments that are not in our home town for our daughter. She didn't come to any of my sons football games (I coach - so she doesn't have to sit with me). She doesn't contact them to go out. She waits for them to contact her.

 

If you take all the evidence:

- huge stressors these past 12 months (death, legal, health, job, etc.)

- menopausal changes

- limited enjoyment in activities - even her own children's

- not wanting to participate in family / friend vacations

- limited interaction with friends (maybe one a month with one person)

- friends are noticing she is distant and not enjoying time with them

- history of significant depression

 

I have to trust and give her the benefit of the doubt that in fact she is struggling and at this point, I / kids are just another responsibility that loading her down. She is not going out with physically anyone at any time, I am sure of this. There could be an emotional connection somewhere. But we have talked about this and she is adamant there is no one else. She always says she just feels like s@#t and dead inside. There is just no fire inside at this time.

 

I don't agree with snooping into her personal phone (work phone). There is no benefit. If I snoop and find nothing and she finds out, that would likely push her totally away, given her current state. If I snoop and find something, the relationship is over. Both result in a bad outcome for me.

Marriage is about trust and over the last 27 years, she has given me no reason not to trust her when she says there is no one else (we have talked about this).

The most snooping I will do is have her friends interact with her to see if they can get more insight into her mental state.

 

Based on my history with anxiety, I can understand the absolute level of hopelessness that comes with a mental health issue. I see this similar to if you had cancer and were in treatment for a time. During this time, I would expect her not to be intimate and distant while trying to heal. I have to give her this time and trust her.

 

I made a commitment to this marriage and will continue to try to be the best husband / father possible. The purpose of starting this thread was not to see if she is cheating or anything like that. It was to have insight from others on how they dealt with a similar situation and if what I am doing is directionally correct.

 

In the end, if the relationship fails, I know that I have done the best I can and taken the high road (didn't snoop or not trust her). Based on most responses here and feedback from the 3 closest friends she has that know of the situation, I am doing most of the right things to support her. That knowledge provides some solace for me.

 

I suspect there will be a time when, if she hasn't gone to the doctor or her mental state hasn't changed, I will have to push for change a little harder. At this point, I am not sure when this time will be. I guess it will be when this lifestyle begins to significantly affect me (ie: I become depressed) or the kids are affected (they start showing signs of depression / anxiety). I will be patient for the time being as I know she is worth it.

Edited July 2, 2019 by Northdad

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think your wife is having an affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think your wife is having an affair.

 

I'd agree but wonder what discussion they've had regard this:

 

she says she needs to figure out if she want to stay or go (ie: leave the marriage)

 

Northdad, have you asked her why she sees leaving the marriage as an option?

 

Mr. Lucky

[giotto]

- I am not initiating any intimacy. I will wait for her

 

You might be waiting a loooong time... I think you are doing the right thing supporting her, but it seems to me that she's checked out of the marriage. You are the last person she worries about. Depression is not easy to live with (I speak for experience, having a depressed wife who's going through menopause and empty nest syndrome). Also the fact that she doesn't know if she wants to be in the marriage is a huge red flag. I did wait, until my wife left me... I hope things will get better for you, but it seems a bit bleak to me.

[Northdad]

Thanks for the input everyone.

 

Yes it definitely seems 'bleak'. No denying that.

 

However, I can remember back after my first panic attack, when I became agoraphobic. She literally had to drive me to work for 2 months. I was a mess. Her support allowed me to recover. To be honest, I am not sure how intimate I was back then. It was a blur.

 

I have to give her the same respect and opportunity to recover / heal.

 

As for the comment about leaving the marriage, yes we do have the conversations. In my mind I say to myself, how could this be an option? She would lose an ally in me, her family would be devastated (we are all very close) and her friends, which are all very close to both of us, would be extremely upset with her for choosing this direction.

Her response is that she is really in a dark place now where she feels she is barely keeping her head above the water dealing with her M and all the other family issues (there are many more on her side that I won't get into).

Her mom is a chain smoker and has also been diagnosed with COPD. She cried the other morning talking to me about her mom wheezing and barely being able to breathe. Her mom won't go to the doctor (part of her mental instability).

 

For her its:

- is my mom going to die soon? She can barely breathe some days. 2 months ago she had to call an ambulance for her because she was losing color due to lack of air

- when/if can I get her out of the house and into a home? How do you sell a house like this (hoarding in it)

- how do I get her into a home when she refuses to leave her own home?

- who will take care of her developmentally / mentally ill uncle when she goes (yes - currently her mom and aunt, who is 82, support her mentally ill uncle both financially and emotionally)

- who will take of her aunt (who is like a mother to her) when her husband deteriorates significantly - he is currently in the middle of struggling with dementia and alzhiemers

 

There is more, but its just too unreal to write.

 

I cannot walk or push her away at a time like this. I can see how leaving me / kids would seem like some type of relief (ie: one less responsibility).

 

Slowly I am trying to get her to allow some help from others (me, her brother, government support, etc.). I hope once she sees that there can be a plan in place to resolve all of these family issues, she will begin to return to her loving self again.

 

To be honest, these last couple of months have been of great importance for me. My separation anxiety still looms and the thought of being alone set off alarm bells that were pretty loud. So when she first said something 4 months ago, I was freaking out internally. I could barely sleep for a couple of days.

Now that she is spending time at her moms and I am taking the lead on the family front, I have found a lot of inner strength that I wasn't aware I had. The thought of my marriage possibly ending is absolutely saddening, but is no longer terrifying. It's actually been a blessing from my anxiety side that has allowed me to test myself being alone more frequently.

[giotto]

 

Yes it definitely seems 'bleak'. No denying that.

 

 

Tough situation indeed. It's admirable you are sticking around, but mental illness takes precedence on everything, so your wife is just "defending" herself from external attacks, as much as she can. The marriage is another thing she has to worry about, true. You will need to establish how deep that feeling is. Wait and support her in this crisis, like she supported you. It's difficult without intimacy reinforcing your feelings, strength and closeness, but I don't think you have a choice here.

 

You will find out in the long run. Right now, she is not in the right state of mind to make a decision, unfortunately.

[Northdad]

Giotto,

 

I think you have stated the situation very eloquently. Her current state of mind is not in a good place. Hence any significant decision recently has to be taken with a certain amount of leeway.

 

The reality is that leaving the marriage does not solve any of the problems noted above. It seems clear to me and others. However, for her it does seem to be an option.

 

For me, I would opt out only if there is infidelity or abuse to myself or my children. The current situation has none of this (that I am aware of).

 

For now patience and understanding will have to suffice on my end. If something turns for the worse, I will post it up. If she turns the corner to a better place, I will likely not post any more and enjoy her happiness once again. Wish me luck and patience

 

On somewhat of a good note, I asked her the other night why she sleeps on the couch. She indicated her back was sore and that she goes to bed later than me and doesn't want to wake me. I told her I enjoy her sleeping next to me in the bed regardless of any intimacy. For the past 2 nights, she has slept in our bed again. Baby steps I suppose

Edited July 2, 2019 by Northdad

[giotto]

The reality is that leaving the marriage does not solve any of the problems noted above. It seems clear to me and others. However, for her it does seem to be an option.

 

I can't remember if you mentioned it... is she having any therapy at all? That would help a lot.

 

For the past 2 nights, she has slept in our bed again. Baby steps I suppose

 

That's good... personally, it was very uncomfortable for me (sleeping in the same bed) when we didn't have any intimacy anymore... but, as you say, it's baby steps!