Husband with wife menopause and depression (I think) - Am I Doing the right things?

[schlumpy]

Northdad:

 

I understand that you need to do what you feel is right. I would never urge you to do something against your conscience unless I felt that events had disrupted your ability to think clearly. You on the other hand display a remarkably steady presence of mind considering the pressure you must be under.

 

I, like you, do not know there is another man involved. I was reluctant to bring it up but the red flag for that type behavior was there and I thought that it could easily be eliminated as a possibility which would mean one more thing off the trouble table.

 

You have returned with some logical and persuasive counter arguments. I fully understand why you are choosing to wait. Considering the evidence, I likely would have made the same decision.

 

Please keep us updated when you find the time and I hope to hear things are turning your way in the future.

 

Best Wishes

[Northdad]

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

 

For me, the pressure is not too much to be honest. I have great kids (both very smart and with lots of initiative), great Mom, sisters, inlaws and great friends. I have a good job with lots of seniority and lots of autonomy to come and go as needed as long as my work is done. Financially we are stable and well prepared for retirement (early is planned) and kids education.

 

Really, the only pressure is having a W going through a rough time.

 

We talked last night and she opened up about how she hates her job, how her mom is not doing well, hates her part time job (which she only did because she loved it), etc. I asked her if she was getting excited for her girls weekend and she said no. Too many other things (work, mom, family) to think about first before her girls weekend.

 

I offered the idea of her taking a break from work. Quit if you want, we will be fine. Take time off to be with your mom and figure things out and get come clarity. But she said no, she will just persevere.

 

All the things she used to love (even before us being together) she has no interest in. She used to teach sailing - hates sailing now. She teaches new skaters how to skate - hates the smell of the rink and hates going.

 

Just a whole lot of negativity coming out. It seems her only coping mechanism is a couple of glasses of wine per night. Which I know isn't helping. We have a great dog that I walk every night for 30-45 mins and I ask her to come along - she is not interested. She comes to bed around 11:30-12am and wakes up at 6:20am to get ready for work. So I know she isn't getting much rest either. All of this, to me, points to a depressive episode.

 

So at this point, my focus is helping her get out of this funk. She is not in therapy, but did almost a decade of heavy therapy before we got together. I am not sure if this left a bad taste in her mouth and hence her objection to getting help.

 

Any ideas on getting someone to get help when you know they are hurting but don't want to accept help? I am thinking I will go to my doctors for my check up and bring it up to him. She is do for a check up soon. I am hoping he can ask some probing questions to see where she it at emotionally.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree she sounds depressed . Seems like nothing is bringing her joy at all . She might not be open to therapy because it's just one more thing to put on her calendar!!

 

I assume you guys already have a cleaning person to clean your house?

[giotto]

Is she on anti-depressants right now? If not, she might need them again. If she is, she might need a stronger dose or a change of ADs... also, suggest therapy. You have nothing to lose. My (soon to be ex) wife started therapy for the first time last week. She was going through a sever depressive crisis, so I suggested it. She finally decided to go after all these years... I couldn't believe it. She is also seeing her GP to talk about her anti-depressants. And she is doing it for herself, since we will be separating...

[Northdad]

Yes we have a cleaning service come to clean the house (vacuum, bathrooms, etc.)

 

She is not on any meds. She stopped them before our son was born back in the early 2000's.

 

It's a difficult subject to broach coming from me, because I look to be the guy just wanting to have intimacy and that's why I would be wanting her happy.

 

She needs to hear it from someone else. Hopefully from some of the ladies on the girls weekend or through our doctor.

The only others I could suggest would be her brother. I may bring it up to him that she is really going through a tough time. Maybe him talking to her could get her to open up to some help.

[giotto]

 

It's a difficult subject to broach coming from me, because I look to be the guy just wanting to have intimacy and that's why I would be wanting her happy.

 

Well, anti-depressants usually nuke the sex drive, so you would be doing yourself a disservice by suggesting them... not the other way around!

 

I can see sex might be becoming the elephant in the room...

[Northdad]

It all depends on the individual and anti-depressant.

 

I have been on Paroxetine since 2004 for my anxiety with no sexual side effects. Heck no major effects at all, except for making me feel fantastic!!!!

 

Also, sex isn't the biggest issue for me. It is just the lack of any intimacy due to her being so sad all the time. Really, it is just seeing her so sad that makes me upset.

 

Everything now is mind reading or predicting the future - which none of us can do. All I can say now is she is what I would consider to be depressed (from all evidence I have) and the lack of intimacy is one her symptoms.

 

Hopefully, we can get the depression confirmed and then under control. Then we move on to the intimacy part. No point in trying to force intimacy when her biggest hurdle is her current mental health. So next steps for me:

 

1. Get her to open up to someone other than me (family, friends, etc) and see if they can shed some light

2. Get her to the doctor to get a confirmed diagnosis (or not)

3. Develop a plan with the doctor to get her back on track

 

All the while, supporting whatever she needs.

Edited July 3, 2019 by Northdad

[giotto]

It all depends on the individual and anti-depressant.

 

True.

 

Also, sex isn't the biggest issue for me. It is just the lack of any intimacy due to her being so sad all the time. Really, it is just seeing her so sad that makes me upset.

 

Yes, by sex I mean the lack of intimacy too... it's not just the sex. I've had a hard time (no pun intended) convincing my wife of this. In fact, I failed.

 

1. Get her to open up to someone other than me (family, friends, etc) and see if they can shed some light

2. Get her to the doctor to get a confirmed diagnosis (or not)

3. Develop a plan with the doctor to get her back on track

 

Good plan...

[elaine567]

She wants to prepare the house for eventual sale. The home location is very sought after. If it can be presented in a way that is acceptable, there are $100k's of value at stake. If and when the move happens, she wants to make the change as quickly as possible and not spend weeks trying to clean it up to make it saleable.

 

I kind of smell a rat here.

Your MILs house is worth a fortune and your wife is hassling a newly bereaved woman to jettison all her stuff, albeit hoarded, to get a quick sale.

She binned intimacy almost as soon as the step father died leaving her a clear path to get the old dear into care and the house sold.

I guess and I could and I hope I am wrong, the money will be used to fund her exit plan from the marriage...

[Northdad]

Elaine567,

 

You could be right. But not likely. My MIL's former common law husband took a pile of money prior to his death via legal action of divorce.

 

The money from the sale of the house, if/when it happens, would have to go to paying for the retirement home in addition to her current debts. In our area, a home with care for person with declining cognitive abilities is $60-70k per year! Her annual income from pensions/government is well short of that (I know, I do her taxes).

 

If one can get top dollar for the house (maybe an extra $100k+), that would provide MIL with another 3-4 years in a retirement home (after her pension income). If not, someone else has to pay the difference (ie: her kids).

 

I think it is prudent to get it up to snuff sooner than later. Imagine trying to get a house ready to sell AND dealing with a person who doesn't want to leave their house, has onset dementia, etc.

[elaine567]

I think it is prudent to get it up to snuff sooner than later. Imagine trying to get a house ready to sell AND dealing with a person who doesn't want to leave their house, has onset dementia, etc.

 

Sounds like it would be a lot easier to get her shipped out then tackle the house. As it is, she is understandably fighting for every scrap of her possessions and upset that your wife is ordering her about.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

1. Get her to open up to someone other than me (family, friends, etc) and see if they can shed some light

2. Get her to the doctor to get a confirmed diagnosis (or not)

3. Develop a plan with the doctor to get her back on track

 

 

A path few have navigated successfully, but one in which I wish you well.

 

I'm going to guess she'll refuse any proactive steps and you'll be struggling with the same issues years from now.

 

Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[giotto]

I'm going to guess she'll refuse any proactive steps and you'll be struggling with the same issues years from now.

 

This is indeed the likely outcome, but I think the OP needs all the support he can find right now...