Why is my girlfriend always accusing me of looking at other women?

[heartbroken1976]

I have 2 questions:

 

 

1) As per the title, my girlfriend is constantly accusing me of looking at other women when I'm not. I actually never consciously look at another woman when I am with my girlfriend.

 

However when we are walking and talking if I look in any direction or ahead and there is a woman there I'm accused of ogling her and look at her when all I'm doing is people watching and it would look the same amount of time if a man, dog, window display, poster caught my eye.

 

Why would she be constantly accusing me of something I'm not doing?

 

 

2) My girlfriend also calls me mean and stingy. I am frugal when it comes to my household bills in the fact I try to save money on day to day bills so I can spend it on the nicer things in life.

 

Whenever we go for dinner I always pay and tip (she says the tip is me showing off my money). She does occasionally buy me a drink or a coffee or lunch but I still pay for these at least 75% of the time.

 

I paid for an entire weekend in Copehagen which was circa 1.5K (she paid for her flight - €100), paid more than half for a family holiday in May for me, her and her 2 kids (after only going out 6 months) and have just paid over half for the summer holiday coming up for me, her and her 2 kids. yet she still says I'm the meanest and stingiest person she has ever met.

 

Why would she say that about me?

 

 

Sorry for combining 2 questions into one but being accused of both theses things is really upsetting me.

[basil67]

I'm a woman and if I was in your shoes, I'd break up. Why are you still with her? And does the good outweigh the bad by a significant percentage?

 

Also, when she accuses you of looking at other woman, don't bother denying because she won't believe you anyway. Just tell her that you will not accept these accusations and if she doesn't like the way you behave, then she's free to leave.

[PegNosePete]

just paid over half for the summer holiday coming up for me, her and her 2 kids. yet she still says I'm the meanest and stingiest person she has ever met.

For me this would be INSTA DUMP. Do not pass go, do not collect £200.

 

She is clearly taking advantage of your money, and accusing you of being stingy because she wants MORE. She is biting off the hand that feeds her, and instead of pulling away, you're putting more of your arm in!

 

The other issue is purely about control. She is insecure and scared that if you look at other women, you'll find better. And you will! You will find women who don't accuse you of things you're not doing due to their own insecurity, and who don't take advantage of your money.

 

The question you should be asking is, "Why do I put up with her treating me like that?". You need to grow a backbone and not accept either of these things any more.

[Atwood]

First things first, if she’s calling you mean that is hurtful. Ask her to please stop calling you mean because it hurts your feelings. If she scoffs, laughs, gets angry or dismisses this; leave. You will never get anywhere with this.

 

As for the other women thing.

There could be any number of reasons why she’s behaving like this. My guess is that it’s probably a “her” problem and not an issue with what you’re doing. If you’re genuinely not ogling other women, she’s imagining that you are and clinging to any evidence that you are.

 

She could have had bad experiences with being hurt or betrayed in the past. Don’t underestimate these things. Having people lie and deceive you and subsequently crush you is not something you can throw out the window when you enter into new relationships. In an ideal world, we’d all deal with our baggage and be fully functioning healthy adults, but that’s just not realistic. If you want to make it work with her, you need to make it clear that your relationship is a team sport and not a 1v1 situation. She needs to know that you want a safe, secure, monogamous relationship with her and that it won’t change no matter how many attractive women saunter your way. It can be painful for insecure people with trust issues (speaking as one here) to process that you’re going to find other people attractive. The skill in navigating this is accepting it and communicating with your partner that other attractive women mean no more to you than other attractive men mean to her. You CAN work through these issues together but you need to decide if it’s worth it.

 

You also need to set down some boundaries that involve her not making unfounded accusations because it hurts you and your relationship. Again, speaking frankly and introspectively, it’s WAY easier to accuse others of hurting you and thinking the worst of a situation or person than it is to face your own insecurities. She isn’t there yet. Is she a reasonable/calm person you can talk to? If so, there’s room for growth. If she is explosive and unreasonable, I’d consider how far you’re actually going to get with this.

 

Obviously, if you know in your gut that she’s not the one for you, don’t drag this out and cause more pain.

 

I’ve always been quick to say DUMP EM, but people are complex. Literally if she doesn’t stop name calling or making comments about you being mean THE FIRST CHANCE you give her, don’t waste any more time. Because then it’s clear she doesn’t respect you, but it’s possible there is growth to be had.

 

It might be that she can and will grow, but it might be that you decide you’re not going to stick around to help her with that and that is a completely valid and understandable choice. If it doesn’t make you happy to stay with her, don’t bother.

[heartbroken1976]

Thanks all so far, nice to get someone else's opinion

[littleblackheart]

She does sound like she's taking advantage of your generosity and is not treating you well. It's difficult to say where her attitude stems from based on the opening post alone; not that it matters in the end, because you can only control your own actions anyway.

 

Instead of building up resentment, maybe stop inviting her to all expenses paid holidays and stop treating her to nice restaurants and see where the relationship is headed?

 

If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be - she is but one woman.

[elaine567]

I guess as a single mother of two she probably can't really afford to pay even half for these holidays, but instead of saying that, she is calling you mean in the hope you will up your contribution.

You need to have an honest and tactful discussion about finances.

These holidays may be crippling her financially.

 

"people watching" is a common excuse men give for their habit of ogling other women. I guess you are still ogling other women and trying to hide it badly hence her annoyance.

 

"I am just people watching over there, that beautiful girl in the yoga pants with the big breasts, just happens to be over there too..."

[Curiousroxy86]

shes perhaps crazy?

[heartbroken1976]

I guess as a single mother of two she probably can't really afford to pay even half for these holidays, but instead of saying that, she is calling you mean in the hope you will up your contribution.

You need to have an honest and tactful discussion about finances.

 

 

She earns more than me after tax

[heartbroken1976]

 

"people watching" is a common excuse men give for their habit of ogling other women. I guess you are still ogling other women and trying to hide it badly hence her annoyance.

 

"I am just people watching over there, that beautiful girl in the yoga pants with the big breasts, just happens to be over there too..."

 

 

Sorry its nothing like that, If I look to my left or straight ahead and there is any girl standing there and then look back I'm accused of ogling. I clearly stated this in the opening post, I think you didn't actually read my post and your bias is dictating your reply.

[elaine567]

She earns more than me after tax

 

How much does she owe?

What are her monthly expenses?

She is providing for three not one.

[heartbroken1976]

How much does she owe?

What are her monthly expenses?

She is providing for three not one.

 

 

She earns more than me after tax and has a mortgage of circa £400 per month and can more than afford to pay for stuff. I think holidays should be 50/50 as its me, her and her 2 kids but I don't mind paying for most other stuff. I really don't think its fair to be calling me mean and stingy about that. Just have a quick read of my opening post to get a flavour of what I'm talking about

[alphamale]

1) every time she looks in the direction of a man accuse her of checking them out

 

2) I can't help with this issue

[PegNosePete]

How much does she owe?

What are her monthly expenses?

She is providing for three not one.

I don't see why any of that is relevant. OP subsidised a holiday for her and her kids as well as many other things. Instead of thanking him, she is insulting him and demanding more.

 

Maybe she does have higher outgoings. But if she can't afford the holiday even with OP paying 50% despite not being financially responsible for her kids, then it's up to HER to initiate an honest and tactful discussion about how she can't afford it even with his generous assistance. Instead she is acting like a total spoiled princess and being a grade A golddigger.

 

If it were me, I'd dump her so hard she got whiplash.

[Acacia98]

My response is based on the assumption that everything you mention is accurate:

 

Sounds like your girlfriend is the faultfinding type. People like that are usually very highly insecure and feel terrible about themselves, so they spread the misery by finding fault with those to whom they are close as well. That she's actually making stuff up suggests that you are entering gaslighting territory.

 

If you stay long enough with that kind of person, chances are it will start to eat into your self-esteem. And then, one day you will wake up and find yourself in a full-blown emotionally abusive relationship.

 

You are very upset because you rightly recognize she's doing something terrible to you. Hopefully, your anger will eventually push you to walk out of the relationship.

[heartbroken1976]

My response is based on the assumption that everything you mention is accurate:

 

Sounds like your girlfriend is the faultfinding type. People like that are usually very highly insecure and feel terrible about themselves, so they spread the misery by finding fault with those to whom they are close as well. That she's actually making stuff up suggests that you are entering gaslighting territory.

 

If you stay long enough with that kind of person, chances are it will start to eat into your self-esteem. And then, one day you will wake up and find yourself in a full-blown emotionally abusive relationship.

 

You are very upset because you rightly recognize she's doing something terrible to you. Hopefully, your anger will eventually push you to walk out of the relationship.

 

 

Thank you very much for that reply

[Acacia98]

You're welcome, heartbroken1976.

[Maddie82]

This is not a healthy relationship. She has some severe insecurities and unless she acknowledges this and gets help for it, things will only get worse. I agree with others that she is taking advantage of you financially. I do recommend walking away from this one for your own sanity.