velvetblue Posted July 2, 2019 Share Posted July 2, 2019 My boyfriend who just recently experienced a loss of a close one broke up with me over text after not texting me for nearly 2 weeks. Our relationship was perfect for us and he told me that before the traumatic event he never considered breaking up with me. I never took him for granted and we were incredibly compatible. He just told me that he was unsure about everything in his life right now and it wasn't my fault at all. He said he didn't like how final breaking up sounded but he stuck with it. I still can't help but feel lost when I think about how detached he was and how final the decision seemed when I called him immediately after the breakup. He mentioned that I'm still beautiful, amazing and all that but he just can't treat me the same way anymore, it is unfair to me and that he wishes things could have ended differently. It really sounded like he had a rational mind though I would like to hope that his grief has made him react this way. I reached out to him around 2 weeks after NC. I asked if we could catch up and he told me that he was busy which I knew was a blatant lie. I had wanted to tell him in person how I felt and apologise for making it even more difficult for him during his time of grief but I just ended up sending it through text. I told him that I forgave him, apologised for making it difficult, that I was doing okay, pointed out perhaps why he didn't want to keep our relationship, told him that I loved him not just being in a relationship and asked him to consider giving it another go. The reply was quick, he didn't even take time to consider even though I asked him to. (I understand 2 weeks might have been too early but I wanted to move on.) He said that I was a good person and he was glad that I was doing better, he felt more at ease because he was guilty for hurting me but he doesn't think he's ready to try again or if he ever will be. He said life is complicated and his situation has changed and he doesn't see us together anymore and he wants me to move on. I already expected such a reply but seeing it still hurt. Just realising that he is able to second guess everything in his life except our relationship hurt. I never took him for granted and apparently for him I just wasn't good enough. I said I wished the best for him and all the happiness in the world and respected his decision. I did not beg or overreact. I told him that I can not be friends with him and am currently in NC. I never could outright tell him that he hurt me incredibly. He was essentially putting me through the loss of a loved one as well. However, I sacrificed my feelings so he could feel better in such hard times. Realising that he is taking my love for granted is helping me move on. Yet I can't help but wonder if he will regret because though I truly want him to be happy, I still want him to realise that he has let someone go that really would have never left him. I also feel incredibly bad as I feel like I'm abandoning him in these hard times but I've told him I will not contact him anymore and I plan to stick to that. I feel like I was too quick and selfish to ask him to give it another go. Perhaps he saw it as me being shallow but I needed closure and I wanted to relieve his guilt and pain even a little. I never told him how much I worried that he was hurting and how sorry I was for his situation because he wouldn't want me to worry as it would pressure him more and he doesn't like feeling weak. Also I just didn't want to bring up the loss of his close one. I thought it would be better to leave him completely but I wonder if it was the wrong choice. I maybe should have stayed for him and encouraged him during these hard times and not pushed him to consider trying again. I feel like I've ruined everything. Yet at the same time, I see that he is taking me for granted and I am of no importance to him.I am constantly cycling through not wanting him back but also feeling as though he will come back. It hurts that I have to be the 'bigger person', and the uncertainty of whether what I did was right or if I was too selfish is eating away at me slowly. Sorry that the writing is not amazing. Thank you for reading, I would really appreciate any advice and support! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 2, 2019 Share Posted July 2, 2019 I think he just used that as an excuse, so don't wait for him to come back. If it was truly the only reason, he'd have pleaded with you to leave the door open for when he feels up to it -- he's just broken up with you. Just start dating other people. Sorry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2019 Share Posted July 2, 2019 I agree with Preraph it sounds like an excuse. He already knows he hurt you by breaking up that is why he tried to soften the blow by giving you compliments. You haven't abandoned him, he let YOU go. It is him that has abandoned you if anything. May I ask who was the close one that died and did you ask him what about their death made him want to end it with you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted July 2, 2019 Share Posted July 2, 2019 Nothing to do with his loss. If I went through something like that, I'd be pulling my girl in closer and telling her I need her, not ghosting and dumping her. We're all different and process at different rates, but I think he's full of ****. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 2, 2019 Share Posted July 2, 2019 He broke up with you and he confirmed the break up when you asked him to reconsider. He closed the door so now you have your closure. It doesn't matter when you chose to ask for a reconsideration of the break up, it is clear that his decision was made prior to your request. I'm sorry you're going through the pain of a break up. You will heal much quicker if you just accept that its over and stop with the misplaced guilt (he left you, you didn't leave him). His actions match his words in that he didn't want you to stay and support him. As much as that hurts, its time to accept it and do the mental work you need to do to get over him. I do hope you feel better soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Author velvetblue Posted July 2, 2019 Author Share Posted July 2, 2019 I think he just used that as an excuse, so don't wait for him to come back. If it was truly the only reason, he'd have pleaded with you to leave the door open for when he feels up to it -- he's just broken up with you. Just start dating other people. Sorry. Thank you, I don't think I will wait for him to come back. He did essentially take me for granted after all Link to post Share on other sites
Author velvetblue Posted July 2, 2019 Author Share Posted July 2, 2019 I agree with Preraph it sounds like an excuse. He already knows he hurt you by breaking up that is why he tried to soften the blow by giving you compliments. You haven't abandoned him, he let YOU go. It is him that has abandoned you if anything. May I ask who was the close one that died and did you ask him what about their death made him want to end it with you? I think I just have too much empathy which I should just be giving myself. I am happy to hear confirmation that he has abandoned me and not the other way. The person who has passed away was his grandfather whom he was incredibly close with apparently and it is the first death in his family. I never asked what about their death made him want to end it with me because I didn't want to force him into giving me closure because I don't want him to feel bad for hurting me. (It sounds stupid but I guess I'm just have trying be a bigger person) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author velvetblue Posted July 3, 2019 Author Share Posted July 3, 2019 He broke up with you and he confirmed the break up when you asked him to reconsider. He closed the door so now you have your closure. It doesn't matter when you chose to ask for a reconsideration of the break up, it is clear that his decision was made prior to your request. I'm sorry you're going through the pain of a break up. You will heal much quicker if you just accept that its over and stop with the misplaced guilt (he left you, you didn't leave him). His actions match his words in that he didn't want you to stay and support him. As much as that hurts, its time to accept it and do the mental work you need to do to get over him. I do hope you feel better soon! I am feeling a lot better as his response did show me that he was not the person I thought he was at all really. It's just I do find myself being afraid of hating him later on as I am finding myself bitter that he will move on fine while he's gifted me with trust issues and took me for granted. I wish him no ill will and I want to become a better person. It's a struggle though. I have accepted that this is the end and am slowly yet surely moving on 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 You feel empathy because you have more empathy than he does and you feel responsibility because you're a more responsible person. Sorry he was taking you for granted. Hope you find someone who appreciates you more. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I am feeling a lot better as his response did show me that he was not the person I thought he was at all really. It's just I do find myself being afraid of hating him later on as I am finding myself bitter that he will move on fine while he's gifted me with trust issues and took me for granted. I wish him no ill will and I want to become a better person. It's a struggle though. I have accepted that this is the end and am slowly yet surely moving on Well, the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Strive to be indifferent to him, make it your goal. You will reach that goal with time, what you do with your time and with zero contact which means no social media stalking, no texting, no emailing, no phoning, no faxing and no notes tied to the leg of a carrier pigeon . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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