Can’t figure out if he cheated and it is sending me crazy.

[E_j_a]

So I was dating this boy for a year and a half. I won’t get into to much about our actual relationship except he had bad anger and jealousy problems. He also was extremely clingy and very needy. He did have some really wonderful qualities. We were really close friends before we got together. Before you say anything I am fully aware that his bad qualities were a deal breaker.

However, he was trying to make it work. I was slowly giving up, putting less effort into the two of us. He would from being very clingy and loving and then get angry and emotional that I wasn’t giving him enough attention.

I loved him heaps but this was overwhelming me.

I asked for a break. A week prior, we’d had a massive argument. He was rude and angry toward me and then when I snapped back and said this wasn’t working. He suddenly sobbed and said he couldn’t handle us breaking up, he wanted to try and make it work.

So, when I asked for the break he seemed pretty okay with it. Hopeful things would be okay but not emotional.

Over the week, I decided I wanted to stay together, since i loved him so much and he had always been a dear friend to me. When I saw him, he was stand-offish and blunt. I told him I loved him and I was willing to work through his issues. He snapped back and said he thought we were too different and we should be grateful we had our time and just move on. It really, really shocked me. I regressed quickly into a desperate young girl in love and defended our love for a bit. He didn’t actually ask to breakup, he just said related things with no real conclusion.

Then I snapped into reality and I clapped back. I said we should breakup and that I’m sick of the way he treats me. He suddenly burst into tears and said this was the stupidest thing he’d ever done. He said all the reasons why he loved me so much and told me how this is already the biggest regret of his life. He suddenly changed again and said “no more crying. I have to be a man. We have decided to end this so we are ending this”. Even after saying that he went to leave but he didn’t actually. He kept dramatically pretending to leave and then coming back to hug me and then dramatically saying “I have to go” and then he turned around and kissed me then said “you are the best kisser I have met”

He said “I’ll go if you want me to go and stay if you want me to stay”. I looked him in the eye and said “You have to go. You’re hurting me and that isn’t fair.”

Finally I had to force him to leave. After leaving he immediately deleted everything from his Instagram of me. It stung badly.

When he’d left, I felt I had been too passive and calm. But two days later I was overwhelmed by how angry he’d made me. I’m never normally any angry person but i felt if I didn’t end the relationship speaking my mind, I’d regret it and later down the track.

So I rang him. He picked up after one ring and sounded really desperate. I cut him off and said to never contact me again, that this was over for good and that a lot of the things he was doing in his life, things with me, his friends and family that was really unhealthy. He cut off so many of his friends because they didn’t fit into this image he was creating involving his “career”.

He suddenly became really cold and mean. He said how he’d made a good decision leaving me and that he didn’t want o change the decision of us breaking up.

He said “We should remain broken up but I think we should meet up again. Make me believe that I didn’t make the best decision and I want to show you I’m not the worst person ever”

I said no at first but then he convinced me. I wanted to meet up to speak my mind.

The next day he called me and said he didn’t want to speak to me that evening because he didn’t want to get yelled at. I agreed to text him in the week to set up meeting up but I never did. I didn’t want to see him again after all that.

Something weird happened though. On the phone call, he said he was getting a lift to his work and I heard a girls voice.

I didn’t really think much of it but that evening, one of his college friends blurted out all this random gossip about how he thinks he thinks a girl from his college convinced him to breakup with me.

This was particularly mind blowing. He’d started had started a new college and I know he had a bunch of new friends. He always makes friends with girls. I’ve never felt threatened because honestly, in a lot of areas, he is not much of a catch. He is always that guy who gets friend zoned. He is funny and a very open person so he makes the perfect guy best friend. The last thing I ever thought was that another girl was involved. I’m pretty perceptive and he wasn’t giving off any of the typical “I’ve met someone new” vibes.

This particular girl I was told about, he tried to introduce me to. One of our big fights was about how he wanted me to be apart of this new college life and meet all his new friends and I could never make it to their gatherings. He posted about me all the time on social media about how much he loved me. And He spoke about us at one of his gatherings involving some of our serious meaningful issues. He even talked to these new friend about the two of us getting married. So he clearly wasn’t trying to hide me or hide these new people from me.

I saw him two times after the breakup. Once at a party a month later. He walked up to me very suddenly whilst I was mid conversation. He was bright red and had tears in his eyes. He tried to make very awkward small talk with me. I was very blank and unresponsive. The rest of the party, he made such an effort to talk to me it was so uncomfortable. He caught me alone for a second and immediately said “I’m sorry for not texting you, I didn’t want to force you to talk to me.” I just smiled, said “that’s okay” and walked away.

The second time I saw him was at another gathering and he called out to me with a lot of excitement but I just walked past him. This “new” girl was at that party, which I think is weird. If you are seeing someone new and they are at that party, you don’t call out to your ex with very obvious excitement.

 

The evidence I have that he was seeing someone else is really only gossip and social media. There is a photo on his social media two days after we broke up with him at a party, with a group of his college friends and this girl has her hand on his shoulder. My friend who attends his college say they flirt, however she flirts with everyone apparently, including him. One friend who has never met my ex said she saw them a month after we broke up at a beach and his head was on her lap. But she didn’t even know what he looked like until I showed her a photo. It possible it either wasn’t him or she saw something different to what she thought. One friend came to me and said “Oh my gosh, they have been going on dates!!” I questioned how he knew that and he immediately changed the story and said well they have just been hanging out. Then changed it to “I saw them post a story on insta saying “date night””. He said it seemed like a joke because they were with a group of people?

 

I need an honest opinion on what has happened.

Ive read up a lot and some of the stuff he did to me was borderline abusive. I am recovering a lot from all of the random Guilt I feel.

I know no one can tell me what is happening between him and this new girl but I need some unbiased opinion on the facts I have. So maybe I can rest my brain for a bit.

All these rumours have added to the doubt and insecurity I have felt over the course of this breakup.

I even question if I was the one who broke off things with him because he was so nonchalant and pretend it was a mutual decision.

This girl and him are clearly close friends now, they hangout in groups and they do clearly flirt but she also is clearly that kind of “flirty” girl. I see her post about other guys in the same way and her Instagram is quite “thotty”.

 

My stupid and vulnerable questions are: who broke up with who and did he show any signs of infidelity?

Is this one of those self sabotaging things on his part or is this partly my fault for not trying hard enough?

The needy, anxious part of me is annoyed he has called since we broke up but I suppose he has tried to reach out in person but I just blanked him.

 

I know these question are needy but they are what are on my mind.

 

Thankyou to whoever read through all of this!

[Mrin]

You're right. You dated a boy. Not a man.

 

That's all you need to know.

[Flame Aura]

Honestly, it really doesn't matter.

 

 

You made the right decision. Cut him out of your life completely, stop thinking about him, and move on to someone better.

[d0nnivain]

There's a lot of drama in there & so much unnecessary back & forth.

 

FWIW I don't think he cheated. You can't cheat on somebody when you are broken up. Being on a break is being broken up. You think they are different things but they are not. When you are in a relationship you are either together & fully committed or you are not. There is no taking time off.

 

Learn to know your own mind. When you break up with somebody have that decision stick. Don't call them & tell them never to call you again. That is attention seeking nonsense. Stop it. Really think about your decisions before implementing them. Be calm & direct. That will negate all this back & forth.

 

He's out of your life. Leave him there. Whatever this was, it ran it's course. Move forward in your own life.