LoveFiend Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 My wife and I have been going to church every sunday to help strengthen our marriage? Anyone else try this? I think it is working. It helps iron out our differences and problems. My wife tells our Minister all our marital problems and he even gave her his phone number to call and talk to him and his wife on the phone when she gets mad at me. I am kind of embarrassed everything she told minister, like my previous history of seeing hookers and going to strip clubs before I got married. Overall though the minister and his wife still have been very loving to me and my wife and understanding. I have backslides and unfortunately gone to strip clubs a few times, even though I promised wife I wouldn't. Going to church helps. Even gone to them on sundays sometimes, but it seems the more often I go to church the less I been going to clubs. Its really hard, my wife says I got lustful eyes and even told the minister and his wife that. She gets mad the way I always check out women when they walk by. I told her it is just a reflex I can't control. When a woman walks by with nice hips and a nice bust I just got to give at least a slight stare to savor in the moment, it's just a guy thing all guys do as I explained to wife. We see a hot woman walk by and we fantasize about having sex with them, its nothing personal its just checking them out thats all. My wife gets mad and says she thinks I look at women like they are just a piece of meat, Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 My wife gets mad and says she thinks I look at women like they are just a piece of meat, I’ve seen nothing in any of your posts that would indicate that your wife is not correct in this assertion. It’s quite clear that you have issues with self control. It’s also clear that you view women as sexual objects and you seem to have difficulty showing your wife and other women respect. If counselling with the minister helps you both, that is a good thing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 I'm not sure what your goal of this post is. Being embarrassed about what she told the minister would possibly indicate that you have some regrets about your behaviour. This could indicate that you are starting to feel that you've been doing the wrong thing...and this is good progress. The stuff she tells the minister about you lusting after other women who you see in the street is accurate. If you believe all men do this, why does it bother you that the minister and his wife know? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 I genuinely don't understand the point of your threads, OP. Nearly all of them are just you moaning about how difficult your wife is, and then going on to describe how awful your own behaviour is - and why you feel your behaviour is justified. So, what advice are you actually looking for here? Or are you just looking for some bros to commiserate with? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 From what you’ve said you are being completely disrespectful to your wife and your marriage. You certainly CAN control yourself but you don’t. If you don’t intend to get professional help to change your thoughts and behavior then divorce your wife. You two seem mismatched. Your impulses need work. Seek a professional. I don’t agree with her giving out info to your minister about your behavior - she should only be willing to give info about herself. If she wants to give your info she should have you present so you can determine if the info she’s giving is true and correct. It’s disrespectful for anyone to give others info. Her pastor should know that - and he shouldn’t be participating in that gossip. If you can’t change then set your wife free to find a better match for herself. While at therapy work on your attitude about women. Men shouldn’t view women as objects made to please men. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 His wife will never divorce him, so the fact she is using the pastor and his wife as counsellors and a support system is no bad thing IMO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 You can control how you act. You just won't. There's a difference. If your wife derives comfort from attending church & receiving counseling from the pastor, then keep doing what you are doing. God can be helpful. While you are in church I suggest you pray for grace & strength to stop hurting your wife; become a better, more loyal husband; and to learn to honor the commandments especially # 9, not coveting thy neighbor's wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 Normally I would say going to church is a positive thing but it seems as if from what you have written that your wife has weaponized the institution. I'll probably have to turn in my man card but I have never been to a strip club. There's just too many things that happen in those places and I avoid unnecessary conflict but I am wired to appreciate the female form clothed or otherwise. You don't describe your strip club outings as a compulsion. Do you go alone or with friends? If you don't go alone stay away from your friends if you can't resist their influence. Explain the strain on your marriage. If they don't care - they aren't friends. It's really easy to choose not to go when it's your choice. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 Its really hard, my wife says I got lustful eyes and even told the minister and his wife that. She gets mad the way I always check out women when they walk by. I told her it is just a reflex I can't control. When a woman walks by with nice hips and a nice bust I just got to give at least a slight stare to savor in the moment, it's just a guy thing all guys do as I explained to wife. We see a hot woman walk by and we fantasize about having sex with them, its nothing personal its just checking them out thats all. My wife gets mad and says she thinks I look at women like they are just a piece of meat, Does the minister and his wife tell you what Jesus says about that in the Bible: (Matthew 5:27-28) "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery;' but I tell you that everyone who gazes at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart." The sin happens in your heart, and what's in your heart reflects in your outward actions. I struggle with this concept myself. Not in the same way as you (I'm a woman, and single) - but the principle is the same. How do you keep your heart from sinning? My heart wants what it wants, no matter what I do. I think it's a reminder that we humans are naturally predisposed to (lean toward) indulging in sin, and our only hope is to stay close to God, praying always for His guidance and that He won't let us fall into sin. It's a process. Keep questioning! Keep searching! You're on the right path. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 Even if all men have the base inclination, NOT all men follow it or resign themselves to it. Humans are capable of self-control, self-discipline, self-restraint, self-denial, etc. - if they choose to exercise the capacity. You choose not to. Don't pretend it isn't a choice. You wouldn't be embarrassed, defensive, justifying, etc. if you weren't aware of this on some level. Church attendance alone will not strengthen your MARRIAGE if you choose to resign yourself to an attitude and a way of living that does not support your marriage. It's one thing to STRUGGLE AGAINST temptation, and another thing entirely to be like "oh everyone does it so it's no biggie." If you're not struggling with this, if you're justifying your behavior instead of addressing it head-on like a grown man who is not a slave to his passions and impulses, then the most your church activity can do is help your wife cope, in a way that will alienate her from you as her trust, reliance, dependence, etc. shift AWAY from you and into the hands of the people in her community who demonstrate that they've got her back and care about her in all the ways you don't. I've had to exercise a great measure of sexual restraint from a rather young age - including not allowing my gaze to linger inappropriately. If I can do it, you can do it. I'm the kind of woman who would forgive infidelity, probably in a majority of circumstances - but I would NOT be able to get past your attitude about it. Tread carefully if you value your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 I threaten divorce all the time to keep my wife in line and control her behavior which can get out of control. It is useful to threaten divorce and justified if your like saying hey "if this behavior continues we will have to get a divorce". Like my wife being jealous of my father, or refusing to do choirs around the house, or getting mad at me for helping my father out, or complaining about still living with my father and not living in a place of our own. My father and I will threaten we will throw her out of the house, I will divorce her, and leave her the way I found her... homeless. Before I met my wife she was homeless. Living in a car. Is this how your marriage really "works"? Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 Most divorces occur over disagreements over sex and money. People who attend church do not have a lower divorce rate than people who do not attend church. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 Is this how your marriage really "works"? I was wondering the same thing Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 Normally I would say going to church is a positive thing but it seems as if from what you have written that your wife has weaponized the institution. <snip> You don't describe your strip club outings as a compulsion. ..... Hey Schlumpy, I think the past cheating with hookers is a bigger issue than the strip clubs - which going from the OPs history, are indeed a compulsion. A quick read back through his posts will show that his behaviour is extremely toxic. There's issues on her side too, but frankly, it pales in comparison to what the OP is doing. I would argue that when a person is in a toxic relationship, they have every right to reach out to those in the community who are a source of mentoring. In a religious community, the pastor will indeed offer advice and counselling. And I'm sure they would welcome the OP if he chose to attend. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 Hey Schlumpy, I think the past cheating with hookers is a bigger issue than the strip clubs - which going from the OPs history, are indeed a compulsion. A quick read back through his posts will show that his behaviour is extremely toxic. I would argue that when a person is in a toxic relationship, they have every right to reach out to those in the community who are a source of mentoring. In a religious community, the pastor will indeed offer advice and counselling. And I'm sure they would welcome the OP if he chose to attend. Hello Basil67: The reason I didn't mention the hookers is because it was pre-marriage. If it was during the engagement I would have included it but since I didn't know for sure I left it out. I agree that his wife has every right to defend her marriage and if she chooses to use church clergy to get the point across I can't fault her. I had the impression though that once she had him in church door she treated it like an intervention where a group of people try to convince you to straighten up. I think that if she had secured his cooperation for the process a more positive outcome could be anticipated. Blind siding people usually generates only resentment. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I genuinely don't understand the point of your threads, OP. Beyond that, I'm not really sure what the OP wants from his marriage. Seems he'd be happier as a single guy... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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