Looking for a smart answer

[pinartgirl]

I don't know if this goes here but anyway.. I want to grow J

 

What would you SAY (in written) or how would you REACT (in person) if your friend (male) would answer you with this:

 

My question was:

«You're not calling me or sending me pictures. Why?”

(We are not couple, just friends. I’ve asked many times, he promised but never happened)

 

His answer:

“BECAUSE IM A TOTAL BASTARD YOU STUPID COW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just kidding, we chatted yesterday about this...lollololololololololol....Im seeing numbers when I close my eyes”

(we haven’t chatted about this, he only stated how extremely busy he was and how he has to write 250 pages of some proposal till today, midnight)

 

My immediate reaction is I take jokes like this personally, felt hurt and want to run, because my father insulted me and my mom through all my childhood and he is still doing it now, to everybody and mostly to my mom.

She never stood up for herself and I never learned to stand up for myself.

 

Through the years I tried to handle things like this, but still not with much luck.

I’m tired of being always the one who just smiles at this and turns the back. You know, being all ladylike and too smart to answer.

 

I want to gain some perfection.

Help

[magda]

It seems that he things that the fact that he is insanely busy explains why he hasn't sent you pictures and what not.

 

It's mean to call you a stupid cow but maybe you should lay off until his deadline? It's a little late for a smart ass answer. Still he should apologize later for the cow thing.

[Outcast]

He's got a kinda warped sense of humour but it might've come off lighter and more like teasing in person. And yes, him telling you he was real busy and had a 250 ( ) page proposal was the information you needed to answer your question.

 

And if you only chatted yesterday, how often do you expect this guy to call??? I'm amazed he even had time to 'chat' yesterday!

[RecordProducer]

If you've noticed, he also called himself a bastard. So that was his joke - to call both of you names. In any case, he lacks some good manners (or at least did so at the moment). If it repeats more than once, feel free to tell him nicely and politely "Please don't call me bad names, they hurt even when told as a joke." He will probably say he is sorry and you can accept his apology and say that's it's no biggie. But if he gets defensive about it, just let him know that you don't like people calling you names, joke or not, and he should accept that "rule" if he wants to remain friends with you.

[johan]

Ha, ha. The "stupid cow" part made me laugh. It always makes me laugh when I hear a girl called that. It's just SO low. I'm laughing now.

 

That's the smartest answer I can come up with.

[lynnered]

have the same issue not asserting myself &yes its something U need to learn ,with me same thing (my therapist says amoung my other issues:rolleyes: )that my parents never taught me .

im the type of person who will say sorry when its not my fault,or laugh off somebody hitting on me that makes me uncomfortable because i dont want to hurt anybodys feelings,im working on it.

Ur feeling are important & if i hurt a friends feelings i would want them to correct me ,in a nice way of course.

i dont feel comfortable when U call me a cow ...

please dont joke with by name calling ..

Id prefer U not..

and so on,

but this is something U need to work on as well ,if its something U are tired of dealing with make a change U dont have to be mean ,but stop being a doormat ,

do U still live at home?

if not i would stand up to my father let him know its not acceptable to talk to U like that.

it will take time i had a bad childhood ,but ive done well for it &worked hard ,i am nothing like my family,i kept thinking its the past ,but recently things have taken a bad turn ,ive accepted a relationship that i never should have gotton involved with,work has had problems everything exploded at once ,

I started therapy & she told me that its amazing i turned out the way i did that something was bound to come out from all that ive gone through .

So at this point in life Im not blaming them or even talked to them about this but U need to get U fixed ,self help books ,internet search or therapy something .

life is short dont waste ur time ,letting others stomp Ur feelings

goodluck

[pinartgirl]

Thanks all for your opinion

 

Outcats

Yes he’s got a unique sense of humor J I tried to remember that I like him because he can be a smart ass, stubborn like me and similar sense of humor.

Yet English is not my native language, that’s the first obstacle when I have to react instantly. It’s pretty pathetic feeling when I have to think and translate first.

 

Calling. He NEVER called!! That was the case here. Not meant yesterday, or the last week but never. Even when he promised he will (he is the guy who says he wants me and he’s coming to visit me in few weeks!)

 

He even had time to go to a party yesterday, so I’m not exactly guilty of stealing his time. We chat once a week.. if accidentally happens that we are on MSN at the same time. It usually takes 5 minutes.

 

RecordProducer

I liked that you reminded me of that.. calling himself name too.. the thing is, HE IS acting weird (being more sarcastic, insensitive, lack of communication etc) for the last couple of month. I blame it on his busy schedule and I get off his ways at times like that. Maybe he’s also nervous since he’s coming to see me.

 

I did answer him back (after several corrections of my mail) reminded him of my experience with my father and asked him to be more careful with words.

 

He answered me straight back, which gave me a feeling that he cares. He said, quote: “Im extremely desensitized truth be told, I should take my words more seriously when applied, we will have ugly fights if not, I have an acid tongue not to rivaled.”

 

Now, with my lack of English I need help translate this in to more common English.. but if someone here speaks Slovene I’ll hire you!

 

About calling, sending pictures: “I offer no explanation or excuse I just haven't done it.”

He is actually funny in his simplicity. I have to give him some credit.

 

Johan

Actually, after the initial shock when I read his mail, I watched a “Cow and chicken” cartoon with my son.

I could lol after that!

 

lynnered

I answer a lot above..

No I have my own apartment far enough from my father. But those few times per year that we meet face to face are usually trashed by his mean attitude.

My mom visits me or calls me and I see how depressed she is after seeing her husband (dad travels a lot around, he is retired but works on his vineyard or their old house on the sea). Luckily he is away for the most of the year. Tho the mess he leaves when he comes home to his wife is devastating. I feel sorry for her and fear the worst. But I also know I can’t do more to help her if she won’t help herself first. I did read a lot of books, self help and such, I advice her from this books as much as I can. Yet she is the one who can make changes.

You see… we tried everything possible. We all (my mom, my brother, me, even my son) told him it is not acceptable to be like this. He laughs like we would tell a cute joke.

We stopped communicating with him.. he is better for a while.. then history repeats.

I feel lucky not to meet him if I don’t want to. It can pass a year before I wonder what’s going on with him. For me, I found that avoiding contact is the ONLY thing that works for me. Or if it happens that he is at the same place with me, and he gets mean, I confront him with my sharp tongue. Mind you, I always tell the truth about his behavior which hurts him more than his nastiness hurts me now.

sorry to hear you are hurting. it is good tho that you found a way to heal.

good luck to you too!!!!

[megabit15]

What would you SAY (in written) or how would you REACT (in person) if your friend (male) would answer you with this:

.......

 

His answer:

“BECAUSE IM A TOTAL BASTARD YOU STUPID COW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just kidding, we chatted yesterday about this...lollololololololololol....Im seeing numbers when I close my eyes”

.....

My immediate reaction is I take jokes like this personally, felt hurt and want to run, because my father insulted me and my mom through all my childhood and he is still doing it now, to everybody and mostly to my mom.

She never stood up for herself and I never learned to stand up for myself.

 

Help

Sounds like you see this as a red flag. Could be.

 

Once is forgivable, but if he keeps doing it, I would consider it a problem because it is a disrespectful condescending remark directed at you. The first time, you can assume he meant nothing by it and is ignorant of how to communicate with you. If he says something like this again, immediately tell him you don't like it. Something like 'You know, that makes me uncomfortable, but since you probably didn't intend it to, I'll forgive you this time' - keep it light and simple.

 

See how he reacts. Does he get really defensive or angry? Does he blame you for being too sensitive or does he say he's sorry? This part is the key to knowing a person better and how they will treat you under times of stress or real problems.

[pinartgirl]

Hi Mega,

 

Thanks for your feedback!

 

As I mentioned before (my second post) I wrote him a mail saying what experience I had with my dad and that I still get sensitive of how a person I care about speaks to me. And askes if he could be more careful.

 

He answered very quickly, although he was bussy and going to a party later. He wasn't defensive, at least I didn't feel that. He mentioned what »treasure« his dad left him (we called childhood wounds treasures, private cynical joke), and he said what I quoted in my second post.

It felt good. Peace. And since we have a lot to work on our communication, get to know each other better, what triggers and so, I think it's going fine for now. It's very hard to guess in what kind of mood a person was when said something when there's no face to face, voice factor.

 

We set up a chat-sortof-date tonight (my time) and I will see if he keeps his word on this.. if he will bail out... I have to be positive, I have to be positive, I have to be positive.....

[megabit15]

Hi Mega,

 

Thanks for your feedback!

 

As I mentioned before (my second post) I wrote him a mail saying what experience I had with my dad and that I still get sensitive of how a person I care about speaks to me. And askes if he could be more careful.

 

He answered very quickly, although he was bussy and going to a party later. He wasn't defensive, at least I didn't feel that. He mentioned what »treasure« his dad left him (we called childhood wounds treasures, private cynical joke), and he said what I quoted in my second post.

It felt good. Peace. And since we have a lot to work on our communication, get to know each other better, what triggers and so, I think it's going fine for now. It's very hard to guess in what kind of mood a person was when said something when there's no face to face, voice factor.

 

We set up a chat-sortof-date tonight (my time) and I will see if he keeps his word on this.. if he will bail out... I have to be positive, I have to be positive, I have to be positive.....

 

I'm glad you were able to discuss it and that you are at peace with his response. Congratulations