So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[Lurker123]

Hi all, first time I’ve posted on here, but have spent a lot of time reading everyone’s posts and all the advice everyone has given.

 

I’m posting today because I’ve finally ended everything with MM after 9 months and I feel completely and utterly lost.

 

As a bit of history this all started as a bit of messaging-led to more and has carried on since. We messaged every day (with the exception of weekends/holidays etc and the usual no messaging after 6pm rule (I’m cringing even writing this- trust me) and met up once or twice a week for a couple of hours before he’d have to run out to something or other. Stupidly I fell for him completely within a couple of months- left my husband as soon as I realised how I felt and have pretty much had a complete life change within this time. However, although he constantly tells me he loves me, can’t be without me etc- he has never done anything to show that he will change his situation and to be quite honest I’ve got fed up of waiting. I’ve ended the affair so many times since it started, told him it’s over, but he’s always ended up messaging me and stupidly I’ve gone back. I finally realised last week I was fed up of being on my own every evening, not being able to meet anyone else without feeling guilty about it and told him I was done. He immediately told me he would take steps to sort his situation out, but it wasn’t something that could be done overnight as there was so much to consider and it wouldn’t be amicable. He also has a very young daughter who he is worried his wife will stop him seeing. I understand all of this and I feel awful for ending it as he’s saying all this- but all I can see ahead of me is many more months, if not longer, of misery whilst he sorts this situation out (if indeed he does) with no guarantees for me that this will ever end with us together. He said he doesn’t want to be selfish and ask me to wait but he can’t be with me overnight. I then told him I couldn't wait and that it was completely over this time and not to contact me anymore. I was a complete mess as he left and he messaged me later that day saying he was a mess and that he needed me to know how much he cared about me. I deleted it and his number. He’s also messaged me a couple of times today asking if I’m ok etc and again saying he feels a mess about it all. I sent one message again saying yes I was ok and deleted the number again.

 

Please tell me I’ve done the right thing? I feel completely heartbroken at the moment and am not sure what to do with myself. I am just crying randomly constantly and feel so down and just want to tell him it’s all a mistake and of course I’ll wait. I also know I need to be strong and realise that actually he wants his cake and to eat it and has probably been stringing me along for a while with no thoughts that he would ever end his marriage.

 

I’m not expecting sympathy- just any advice/words of wisdom would be massively appreciated from anyone going through this/has been through this right now!

[Orokotikki]

To clarify, have you divorced your husband?

[Lurker123]

We’re in the process of it- he moved out end of January. Basically we won’t be getting back together. We have children and all is amicable.

[preraph]

This guy is lying to you and making excuses. His wife can't stop him from seeing his daughter. Cheating is not even I considered factor in divorces and child custody. He's just using that as an excuse. He doesn't want to leave his family and that's fine.

 

Time for you to make your own decisions and lead your own life and completely block him so you can move on and maybe find someone if you want to find someone. You certainly should not be telling guys you date though that you had this married man affair. it's going to be something that causes others to distrust you.

 

I suggest you chill for a few years so that at least you can say it was in the distant past.

[Lurker123]

Thank you Preraph- I appreciate the honest advice. I certainly won’t be telling anyone about it all- in fact no one knows which is why I’ve come on here to get honest opinions from people who don’t know me and can be completely upfront! I think if anything the cold hard truth makes you realise exactly how ridiculous the situation is.

 

I think the daughter situation is more she is so very young and he doesn’t want to miss out on her. If things are not amicable then having access can be very difficult for dads especially at the start of the split.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hugs Lurker123!

 

I am going through the same thing right now and can empathize with everything you are thinking and feeling. If you have the time, please read my thread because I started with a post exactly like yours back in May....wanting to know that I did the right thing. Of course we know in our minds that we did the right thing, but emotions flood your head and it hurts so much.

 

I don't necessarily believe that all WS's are manipulative, evil people. Sometimes (as I have read), there are people who just make mistakes. There is something missing in their marriage and they end up avoiding the conflict and end up in affairs. They may fall into "limerance" (read up on that, I have at the suggestion of some other posters) and it becomes hard to see things objectively. The love may be real, but not real enough to give up everything he has built with his wife. There is a lot of guilt on his end and while he truly may want to be with you, he just can't pull the trigger.

 

I believe you will hear from him again, that the cycle isn't over just yet. Only you will know when you can't handle it anymore. I haven't blocked mine (don't think that is necessary, he isn't a psycho and doesn't harass me), but I do not initiate contact with him. Some will argue that strict no contact (blocking, etc) is the only way, but everyone moves on differently, so that is up to you.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this...it really does hurt, but it sounds like you are taking the steps to move on because you know it can't go anywhere, so take it easy on yourself. Keep posting! There are some really supportive people on here (and some judgemental ones too...sift through those and don't take it personally).

[Lurker123]

Dazey- thank you so much for your message. When I revisited your post I remember reading it after you posted it and i realised then your situation was very similar to mine. I also feel I can’t really block- it feels so harsh after everything and so final. I know it probably is the best way to actually move on- but I just don’t know if I can bring myself to do that right now. I really do want to move on from this though. I really do feel like I have run out of options with how to move forward and I almost felt myself sinking into a kind of depression over the whole situation- which was the last thing I wanted. I keep telling myself that however hard it is to end things with the wife- if he actually wanted to be with me he would. I speak from experience of leaving my husband due to the situation and the fact I couldn’t continue to treat him that way knowing how I felt about someone else.

 

How are things with you now? Apart from messaging have you managed to avoid direct contact? It’s interesting to know how someone has moved on a couple of months down the line x

[preraph]

Yes having contact can be contentious between him and his ex-wife if he were to ever divorce. That's why the Court gives them both custody for three and a half days in a row so it's not a constant back-and-forth and can even arrange a third party to pick up and drop off if it becomes necessary, but she cannot make it hard for him to see his daughter and he knows it. he just doesn't want her to know he's having an affair because then he'd lose her. He doesn't want one or the other of you. He wants as much variety as he can get without getting in too much trouble. And it doesn't have anything to do with whether he could see his daughter or not. He is completely snowing you on that.

[notmyfinestmoment]

I agree, blocking seems harsh which is why I haven't done it. I've realized I have to take control of how I handle the contact when he makes it.

That was really brave to move forward in your divorce out of fairness to your husband. And I can see where you feel that it was a difficult choice, but the right thing to do and questioning why he isn't doing the same. I often wondered that...how he does it. I couldn't fake it like that, I would be miserable. The only thing I can think is that when they have children (mine had a younger daughter as well), it is unbearable to think of only living with them every other weekend. They also worry about hurting their spouse and everyone else around them (family, friends, etc.) because what they are doing is purely for themselves. It is definitely not a decision that should be taken lightly. The last thing you would want is for him to decide that and then regret it and go back (I've seen that happen with people several times on this site). Also, I don't know what country you live in but in the US, while going through a divorce process and before a custody agreement is in place, she could make things very difficult for him and that can drag on for a couple of years, so there is some validity to that.

 

We had direct contact last week. He called with tears a week ago after several weeks apart and we met up. He said he was miserable and the time apart was getting worse instead of getting better. We spent the day together with the intention of talking, but that didn't happen because we were just enjoying being together. A couple of days later, we saw each other on the way into work and that it where the reality slap came in for the last time. The person that I was so close to a couple of days before, the person that says I love you has to pretend I am just a casual friend on the street. It was awful. We had a talk after that and he had said that the time apart really made him reflect. That he thinks about us together all the time and there is only one solution and he has been thinking about it, but wants to make sure he can live with the consequences. I had thought maybe he had figured some things out when he re-engaged, but he really hadn't....he just misses us and doesn't know what to do. I was nice, told him I love him and that I always will but I think the right thing for him to do is to stay where he is. He said he loved me too and would forever. He followed up with a long IM about how wonderful I am and that I have changed who he is as a person...that he didn't realize how happy he could be. That he doesn't know how he is going to get through this and all he can think about is losing me. That I deserve someone who isn't attached. Stuff like that. I didn't respond...honestly, what could I say. That is the last time we communicated. I am just trying to let him go.

 

I think you are still in the early stages and he will definitely re-engage because a few months ago, when I would try to walk away, mine would do just what yours is doing (Are you ok)?. I wish I could tell you that you will be past this in a couple of months, but you probably won't. All I can say is that I hope you are stronger than I have been and can be more resolved in your decision. Time apart will get harder before it gets better. That will be the worst part for you I'm afraid.

 

Hang in there and reach out when you need to. I'm here for you!

Edited July 3, 2019 by dazey72
added a sentence

[Secretgal34]

Sorry you’re going through this double break up. Most MM in these stories don’t leave, it’s the women that are more willing. Women seem to do this to find happiness men do it for something different. Men use kids an excuse all the time. I’m not going to get into my stuff but I had an EA both married he knew I was from the start and I knew he was from the start. He had the same excuse I haven’t loved her in years, we’re like roommates, the sex is horrible, she doesn’t touch me. His reason for staying was the kids. It’s a good excuse, not saying it’s not but if you’re dead set on staying jerk off to porn don’t drag other people into it.

How do you feel about your pending divorce do you regret doing it? Do you still love your husband? I would assume now that your marriage is over you’ll want someone single not someone married who won’t leave.

Your MM probably does love you but he just doesn’t want to disrupt his life. More often the wife will fight for the marriage, he doesn’t want to loose what he’s worked hard for, house, child support.

Edited July 3, 2019 by Secretgal34

[DKT3]

We’re in the process of it- he moved out end of January. Basically we won’t be getting back together. We have children and all is amicable.

 

I hope for your sake the marriage ran its course and you didn't start divorce because MM...I know in the moment you will say it wasn't about MM.

 

Now for MM..he is full of it. She cant keep him away from the daughter no matter how upset she gets. Know a woman who tried until she got sick of spending time in jail.

 

As mentioned before, he wants both he doesn't want out of his marriage and yo7ve already left yours so how does it work now?

 

Ending it is absolutely the right thing, if he means what he is saying you cutting him off will force his hand. I think you know that, I think all MW/OW know this, I dont believe you really want two risk losing him for good so you leave the lines open.

[Lurker123]

Thank you again for your reply Dazey. I see some many similarities between our situations and it massively helps hearing from someone else who is going through something similar.

 

Separating from my husband was hard- but as soon as I realised I was in love with someone else I knew our relationship would never be the same again and I didn’t want to deny him the chance of meeting someone else and being happy. I guess I just struggle to understand why, if MM feels the same about me, he would want to stay in his marriage. I think if anything, that is what has driven me to finally end it this time- I realised that he probably doesn’t feel quite as deeply about me as what I do about him. Looking back now I start to see all the flaws, the times he would cancel on me last minute after I’d spent ages getting ready to see him, the times I would juggle my work hours around to spend a couple of hours with him to fit in with his schedule and the way he would look at his watch and jump straight out of bed into the shower. He also blocked me a few times on messenger so I didn’t contact him at risky times for him- even though he knew I am not the sort of person to message when I shouldn’t! All of that really hurts looking back and I am trying to remember all of that now to help me realise I’ve made the right decision.

 

I’m so sorry to hear about your latest scenario. I can imagine the hurt when he contacted you you to say he’s been thinking about everything moving forward, only to tell you not so positive news. I think sometimes they do that to get your attention and check that you will still come running. I’m not saying it’s a power thing, more like a reassurance thing, that if they ever DID decide to choose you that you would still be there. Try and stay strong this time, you seem such a lovely down to earth person and I really feel like you deserve more than what this man can offer you. Have you dated anyone else during or since? I know you’re probably not in the best head space right now, but perhaps going on a date with an available guy who can treat you the way you deserve might make you finally realise that there is more out there- even if it doesn’t go any further straight away.

 

I know I just need to ride this out for now. I am going to ignore any messages as much as I can without being impolite, but I will be interested to see what he does from here. He told me when I last saw him that he was going to sort his situation regardless, so if he does then good for him, otherwise I will know that it was all talk and nothing would ever have happened.

 

I think it’s definitely time we start putting ourselves first and having a bit of self respect! That’s what I keep telling myself anyways! X

[pepperbird]

 

I think the daughter situation is more she is so very young and he doesn’t want to miss out on her. If things are not amicable then having access can be very difficult for dads especially at the start of the split.

 

 

op,

re-read this paragraph over and over, then ask yourself this

"if he is so concerned abut his child's welfare and doesn't want to miss out on anything, then why is he doing the ONE thing (cheating) that has an incredibly high risk of divorce?"

 

It's the equivalent of someone who is allergic to stings standing under a hornet's nest while they spray it with a hose, then wondering why they all come out, ready to sting his sorry behind.

[Orokotikki]

" I also feel I can’t really block- it feels so harsh after everything and so final."

 

Its what you do when you want it to actually be final, thats why it feels that way.

 

You do the final thing to make it final, you don't do the final thing, then don't be surprised when it isn't final.

[Zona]

Most MM in these stories don’t leave, it’s the women that are more willing. Women seem to do this to find happiness...

 

While it's true that 70 to 80% of divorces in the U.S. are initiated by women, it's rarely true that having an affair with a married man will lead you to happiness. That's the irony here.

 

Not much advice I can give to OP except maybe start living an authentic life by coming clean with loved ones about what's been happening and why. Being completely isolated with all these issues will be unsustainable in the long run. Maybe you could check into getting some I.C. to help sort through it all.

[Secretgal34]

" I also feel I can’t really block- it feels so harsh after everything and so final."

 

Its what you do when you want it to actually be final, thats why it feels that way.

 

You do the final thing to make it final, you don't do the final thing, then don't be surprised when it isn't final.

 

This is pretty valid it’s kind of the final nail on the coffin. Leaving things open he may come back.

[Lurker123]

@secretgal- you are so right. I think women definitely strive for happiness way more and are perhaps looking for the fairytale ending-hence why we are quicker to act and try and sort things out.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you’ve managed to resolve it and find happiness. Again I agree by bringing a third party into a marriage where there are issues doesn’t resolve anything. In my head it’s always been case of either we work at it or we end it.

 

I don’t regret ending my marriage. I regret acting the way I did during and being the person I was. I do still love my husband, but in a different way. I have complete respect for him we still get on very well. I do miss him, but it’s mostly in the evenings when I am bored and lonely, not because I miss our relationship.

 

I think MM may have been more in love with the idea of me than anything else. I think if he tries to end things with his wife it would come as a complete shock to her and perhaps he would then get a dose of reality- which makes me think perhaps it wouldn’t have worked with us in the long term anyways.

[Secretgal34]

While it's true that 70 to 80% of divorces in the U.S. are initiated by women, it's rarely true that having an affair with a married man will lead you to happiness. That's the irony here.

 

What you say is definitely true because it comes with a lot of complications people often find themselves “not happy “ in the end. Splitting of families financial difficulties, regrets and sometimes blame.

[Lurker123]

I hope for your sake the marriage ran its course and you didn't start divorce because MM...I know in the moment you will say it wasn't about MM.

 

Now for MM..he is full of it. She cant keep him away from the daughter no matter how upset she gets. Know a woman who tried until she got sick of spending time in jail.

 

As mentioned before, he wants both he doesn't want out of his marriage and yo7ve already left yours so how does it work now?

 

Ending it is absolutely the right thing, if he means what he is saying you cutting him off will force his hand. I think you know that, I think all MW/OW know this, I dont believe you really want two risk losing him for good so you leave the lines open.

Honestly- my marriage hasn’t been good for some time- but yes that was the final reason I ended it. It was the realisation for me that feeling for him the way I did made it completely over.

 

I agree with what you’re saying about cutting all lines. It just seems so final to do that. I guess secretly we’re all thinking ‘what if I block him at the exact time he was messaging me to confess his undying love and that he’s left his wife for good’ we all know it’s not going to happen but I guess whilst he can still contact- the hope is still there! X

[Secretgal34]

@secretgal- you are so right. I think women definitely strive for happiness way more and are perhaps looking for the fairytale ending-hence why we are quicker to act and try and sort things out.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you’ve managed to resolve it and find happiness. Again I agree by bringing a third party into a marriage where there are issues doesn’t resolve anything. In my head it’s always been case of either we work at it or we end it.

 

I don’t regret ending my marriage. I regret acting the way I did during and being the person I was. I do still love my husband, but in a different way. I have complete respect for him we still get on very well. I do miss him, but it’s mostly in the evenings when I am bored and lonely, not because I miss our relationship.

 

I think MM may have been more in love with the idea of me than anything else. I think if he tries to end things with his wife it would come as a complete shock to her and perhaps he would then get a dose of reality- which makes me think perhaps it wouldn’t have worked with us in the long term anyways.

 

It’s been tough a few nights ago I deleted my social media I could have just blocked him but with me being off it completely there’s no temptation to look him up. I’m in therapy focusing on other things and I guess one day at a time. Social media is a killer. You can snoop too much on there.

[notmyfinestmoment]

I think if he tries to end things with his wife it would come as a complete shock to her and perhaps he would then get a dose of reality- which makes me think perhaps it wouldn’t have worked with us in the long term anyways.

 

This is exactly what happened with me. He came to the conclusion that he didn't want a future without me in it. He decided he was going to have a talk with her, however, when he said he didn't feel the same way about her, she was in shock. She thought he was going through a mid-life crisis. She wanted to go to therapy. She was even more in shock when he said he has felt this way for a couple of years. She was very hurt and he wasn't prepared for it at all. That was where everything changed for us. When he saw what it would do to her, he just couldn't do it. She does not know about the affair.

 

 

As for dating, I have an absolutely wonderful man knocking on my door. He is my age, single, attractive, has two kids that are in college, has a great job, and is really thoughtful. The timing couldn't be worse though. I really don't think I can be anything to him and I don't want to hurt him (hurt people, hurt people). It makes me mad that had I stuck with one of the many times I had tried to break from MM, I may have been at a place where this could have worked. For now though, I can't think of even kissing someone else. I just need some time, unfortunately, this wonderful/available guy probably won't be available then!

Edited July 3, 2019 by dazey72

[Secretgal34]

Sometimes the wife finds out and fights for her marriage, sometimes the husband realizes he made a mistake and begs the wife for forgiveness and you’re the big mistake.

Sometimes a woman doesn’t care the he did it and will forgive him and stay and because he’s made a life with her and children he will stay.

[PhoenixRising8]

Yup, same here ... goes home (unbeknownst to me) and tells her he wants a separation. She was surprised to say the least. Weeks later even told his kids and 2 months later their best friends. Seemed to really want to leave but was having a hard time coming to terms with her reaction and what it would do to BS. So here's my stupid question of the day: If they love us (mine said he didn't love her and the marriage was loveless and lifeless), then why are they able to hurt us, watch us hurt, and walk away but they can't walk away from someone they no longer love? And with that to ponder, I can only conclude it isn't love ...

[Amethyst68]

Sometimes, in fact I would say in a high percentage of cases most men have no intention of a) telling their wives and b) leaving at all.

 

This is not meant to severe but just realistic, based on the fact that the majority of affairs are never discovered and the married person hardly ever leave for their AP. Just Google the stats for yourself.

[notmyfinestmoment]

If they love us (mine said he didn't love her and the marriage was loveless and lifeless), then why are they able to hurt us, watch us hurt, and walk away but they can't walk away from someone they no longer love? And with that to ponder, I can only conclude it isn't love ...

People keep using the word Limerance and that could be valid. Mine said he loved her but not romantically, that she was a good person. They were more like roommates that managed a household together. They didn't really fight. He also said he loved me so much, that he had never felt this way about anyone, that it took him off guard and he never expected to be in this position.

 

With that, I have to think they (WS'S) don't want to hurt anyone, but they have gotten into this situation where someone is going to be heartbroken. They try to follow where their heart is currently and think of leaving, but then when they see how hurt their spouse is and what it would do to their children, they stay. And the AP who they have less history with and less to lose is the one who they leave. Sometimes, WS's make a case in their head to justify the affair (this is for the one's who badmouth their spouse, mine never did) and most of it is just displaced. Then when they decide they want to leave and realize their spouse actually cares, they stay. I think in most cases, people really do love their spouses, they just lose sight of it over time.