So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[JimmyNorth]

1 hour ago, Lurker123 said:

No- and admittedly during times when we have been separated I have been on dates with other men and a couple of other encounters. I can’t say I’ve felt guilty about them- but they’ve never felt right and anyway they were not people I would want anything more with. Anytime anyone has shown a genuine interest in me- I compare them to MM I.e. we don’t have the same sense of humour, things in common, we don’t laugh as much, I don’t find them as attractive etc. I guess that’s because my mind has always been consumed with him- it’s never given me a chance to consider anyone else for anything more.  

Does your MM know about your dates during separation times? 

[Lurker123]

Just now, JimmyNorth said:

Does your MM know about your dates during separation times? 

No. I’ve never really seen the need as they were never going to go anywhere because I was too into him above anyone else 😢 I wish I’d of given some of them a chance now, because maybe then I wouldn’t be on my own right now and heartbroken, thinking about him 24/7. 

[JimmyNorth]

10 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

No. I’ve never really seen the need as they were never going to go anywhere because I was too into him above anyone else 😢 I wish I’d of given some of them a chance now, because maybe then I wouldn’t be on my own right now and heartbroken, thinking about him 24/7. 

Oh man. Let your MM know you’ve been on dates with other men and watch what happens. Your MM will either flip or go NC. Both are possibly a win-win situation for you.

If he is like me, he will flip out just like a betrayed husband and get all jealous as heck!!!

[Lurker123]

1 minute ago, JimmyNorth said:

Oh man. Let your MM know you’ve been on dates with other men and watch what happens. Your MM will either flip or go NC. Both are possibly a win-win situation for you.

If he is like me, he will flip out just like a betrayed husband and get all jealous as heck!!!

We’re currently NC so it seems a bit odd just to message him to tell him I’ve been on dates whilst I was seeing him 😂 I remember seeing a post from you once where you said when OW slept with another man it felt like she had betrayed you. What was your turning point to realise your marriage was over? What made you stay in your marriage for so long? Is there much of an age difference between you and OW? Sorry for all the questions- I am just genuinely interested! 

[JimmyNorth]

Just now, Lurker123 said:

We’re currently NC so it seems a bit odd just to message him to tell him I’ve been on dates whilst I was seeing him 😂 I remember seeing a post from you once where you said when OW slept with another man it felt like she had betrayed you. What was your turning point to realise your marriage was over? What made you stay in your marriage for so long? Is there much of an age difference between you and OW? Sorry for all the questions- I am just genuinely interested! 

Oh ya girl!!! When my OW finally dated I flipped out. I knew I wanted to be with her but I got comfortable with my double life.

I wanted to end my marriage and leave the wife but I was being a wuss about it. I felt bad at times and was just avoiding confrontation. But make no mistake, I treated my wife like a roommate for the most part.

My OW was much like you. Even though she dated, she still wanted me. She could not let me go. But after 3.5 years, it was taking a serious toll on her.

So when she finally started to try to date and I found out, that was my “oh crap” moment! I knew she was my match and I did not want to lose her.

OW was 36 and I’m 43.

If your MM wants you, you’ll find out real quick when he knows you started dating!

[RebeccaR]

Jimmy: he has an infant child and OP says he loves his wife. Is it a good idea to encourage breaking up this family? Before anyone asks, I’m not a BS.

[RebeccaR]

Also - he might not react to her dating with either commitment or NC. He might be happy she’s no longer pressuring him for exclusivity and be pleased to continue as things are.

[assertives]

18 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Jimmy: he has an infant child and OP says he loves his wife. Is it a good idea to encourage breaking up this family? Before anyone asks, I’m not a BS.

I agree with this. This thread has gone on for so many pages that I kinda lost track of the story. For some reason, I had the impression that MM's kid was much older. Didn't know the child is still an infant. This does kinda changes things up.

OP, I really feel you ought to seriously think if him leaving his wife and his infant is the outcome you really want. You may get what you waited/wanted/was promised for however long, but I'd really thread carefully here. I'm not sure how custody works for children this young, but this infant is essentially going to be losing her family and her father in a sense if you "get" him. Whatever was promised to you probably isn't yours to claim, nor is it his to give. 

I really think you should let him go and find someone who can give you the kind of relationship you want. Don't be his "accomplice" any longer by helping him cheat on his wife and breaking up the little girl's family. 

[pepperbird]

19 minutes ago, assertives said:

I agree with this. This thread has gone on for so many pages that I kinda lost track of the story. For some reason, I had the impression that MM's kid was much older. Didn't know the child is still an infant. This does kinda changes things up.

OP, I really feel you ought to seriously think if him leaving his wife and his infant is the outcome you really want. You may get what you waited/wanted/was promised for however long, but I'd really thread carefully here. I'm not sure how custody works for children this young, but this infant is essentially going to be losing her family and her father in a sense if you "get" him. Whatever was promised to you probably isn't yours to claim, nor is it his to give. 

I really think you should let him go and find someone who can give you the kind of relationship you want. Don't be his "accomplice" any longer by helping him cheat on his wife and breaking up the little girl's family. 

People will show who they really are if you're willing to look. This guy is giving the OP a sneak peek into how he treats the people he claims to care about. He also lies with such ease!
I think she deserves better than that.

[Lurker123]

3 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

Oh ya girl!!! When my OW finally dated I flipped out. I knew I wanted to be with her but I got comfortable with my double life.

I wanted to end my marriage and leave the wife but I was being a wuss about it. I felt bad at times and was just avoiding confrontation. But make no mistake, I treated my wife like a roommate for the most part.

My OW was much like you. Even though she dated, she still wanted me. She could not let me go. But after 3.5 years, it was taking a serious toll on her.

So when she finally started to try to date and I found out, that was my “oh crap” moment! I knew she was my match and I did not want to lose her.

OW was 36 and I’m 43.

If your MM wants you, you’ll find out real quick when he knows you started dating!

Thanks for the reply Jimmy. I’m glad that you finally did the right thing and now appear to be happy. Your story does indeed seem to be the big exception to the rule. I think a lot of OM when faced with the choice of losing their life how they know it and losing OW will inevitably choose to keep their life as it stands and let the OW go. To be honest I’m at the end now. I’m not sure if you have baggage, but my OM has loads. It sounds like you had checked out of your marriage a long time before you left. I do t think this is the case here. I do just think I was a distraction for an unhappy period in a marriage. I am choosing not to be that anymore. I want more than that. 

[Lurker123]

1 hour ago, assertives said:

 

OP, I really feel you ought to seriously think if him leaving his wife and his infant is the outcome you really wan

Thank you. I guess in my head I’ve always thought why would you bring a child up in an unhappy marriage? OM has openly admitted to me that he has argued with BS in front of their daughter and even though she is young she had picked up on that. Again, I have no idea how true that is or the extent of it, but he has very much always spun it that any arguments they have are not a result of the affair,  it would have happened anyway. 
 

I don’t want to break up a family. That was never my intention. OM has always made the situation very much about what is best for him and HIS family, he doesn’t seem to ever respect the fact that I have children too who I want to bring up in a stable environment. I know leaving my husband was my choice but I did not want to bring up my children in a situation that was a lie and that would inevitably end anyways. 
 

Regardless, this is all a bit pointless now. Whether he would have left or not, I will never know. We both appear to have made our choices and this time I just want to move on and live my life.

[Lurker123]

1 hour ago, pepperbird said:

People will show who they really are if you're willing to look. This guy is giving the OP a sneak peek into how he treats the people he claims to care about. He also lies with such ease!
I think she deserves better than that.

Thank you Pepperbird. Yes I do feel I have seen the true colours this last few weeks in particular. It’s an eye opener that’s for sure. I know I will have days where I struggle with this and where I will find it hard to move on. I know I have to though. My issue throughout the whole of this, is that I never actually have thought I deserve better. My self esteem always has been low and it is at its lowest at the moment especially with being stuck at home. I want to make the most of being able to move forward I n a few weeks. Thank you for your kind words. 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

I guess in my head I’ve always thought why would you bring a child up in an unhappy marriage? OM has openly admitted to me that he has argued with BS in front of their daughter and even though she is young she had picked up on that.

I don’t want to break up a family. That was never my intention. 

They have argued in front of their daughter... they and every other parent. Try as we might, people have disagreements in front of their children. Some more than others. This doesn’t make their marriage unhappy or show that they need to separate. 

And very gently, that wasn’t your intention...but, here you are... waiting, hoping that the man will leave his wife to be with you, ready to benefit from the breakup of a nuclear family. 

Respectfully, I would say that you deserve better than this. He is no prize to be won. Your children deserve better than to be drawn into this situation... 💕

[JimmyNorth]

1 hour ago, Lurker123 said:

Thanks for the reply Jimmy. I’m glad that you finally did the right thing and now appear to be happy. Your story does indeed seem to be the big exception to the rule. I think a lot of OM when faced with the choice of losing their life how they know it and losing OW will inevitably choose to keep their life as it stands and let the OW go. To be honest I’m at the end now. I’m not sure if you have baggage, but my OM has loads. It sounds like you had checked out of your marriage a long time before you left. I do t think this is the case here. I do just think I was a distraction for an unhappy period in a marriage. I am choosing not to be that anymore. I want more than that. 

You will most likely end up happier when you meet somebody new and without all this drama.

However, I have a feeling your MM will show up again. Just be prepared!

Edited April 28, 2020 by JimmyNorth

[Lurker123]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Respectfully, I would say that you deserve better than this. He is no prize to be won. Your children deserve better than to be drawn into this situation... 💕

You’re right. Everyone deserves better. Thank you again for your advice Bailey. I haven’t heard from him since Friday, but he is now blocked and I am trying my hardest to distract myself in anyway I can to stop thinking about this and move on. Reading this thread from the start was a good point to begin from! I feel so stupid and pathetic when I read it all back and realise I've chosen time ignore the pattern that all these posters told me from the start! 

[Lurker123]

7 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

You will most likely end up happier when you meet somebody new and without all this drama.

However, I have a feeling your MM will show up again. Just be prepared!

Thanks again Jimmy. I really hope so! (To the meeting someone else- not him showing up again 😂) 
 

just one more question... it was me that blew up last time we had spoke- things had been good for a few weeks then he pulled back, spent ages before replying to my messages, ignored a few of them, I had a massive flip out and told him he had made me feel like sh*t for the last 18 months and that basically I was fed up of this emotional rollercoaster and wanted to get off. He replied a lengthy message, saying he had no idea what more he could have done, felt things had been good despite a few ‘moments’ on my part and would be here when I decided to ‘make a u turn’. I ignored this message and have not heard anything since and have now decided to block. I want to walk away with my head held high, but what’s eating away at me is I feel like I acted childishly albeit it was exactly how I felt at the time and I needed to be honest. Did your OW ever do similar and how did you view it? Seems a strange thing to ask, but it appears to matter to me what his parting opinion would be of how I’ve acted. As I said he’s now blocked, so it’s all probably pointless, but just feel I need to know. 

[JimmyNorth]

1 hour ago, Lurker123 said:

Thanks again Jimmy. I really hope so! (To the meeting someone else- not him showing up again 😂) 
 

just one more question... it was me that blew up last time we had spoke- things had been good for a few weeks then he pulled back, spent ages before replying to my messages, ignored a few of them, I had a massive flip out and told him he had made me feel like sh*t for the last 18 months and that basically I was fed up of this emotional rollercoaster and wanted to get off. He replied a lengthy message, saying he had no idea what more he could have done, felt things had been good despite a few ‘moments’ on my part and would be here when I decided to ‘make a u turn’. I ignored this message and have not heard anything since and have now decided to block. I want to walk away with my head held high, but what’s eating away at me is I feel like I acted childishly albeit it was exactly how I felt at the time and I needed to be honest. Did your OW ever do similar and how did you view it? Seems a strange thing to ask, but it appears to matter to me what his parting opinion would be of how I’ve acted. As I said he’s now blocked, so it’s all probably pointless, but just feel I need to know. 

Well my OW was fed up, but she didn't have the strength to block me or end things like you did. Instead, she just started building a wall and started to explore her options, yet remained hopeful that maybe i'll be hers one day. 

But in the end I look at what you are doing as the same thing as what my OW did, just took different actions. Both you and my OW were fed up. Both you and my OW would no longer take the emotional toll of being a mistress and being a secret. Yours was 18 months which is a long time of feeling lonely. My OW endured 3.5 years before losing it. If you meet someone else, it may be hard if MM does show up again. My OW did the same thing, she tried to date but ended it shortly. She just always wanted me just as you want your MM. BUT, the difference here is my OW actions woke me. Now the question is.....Will your MM get woken up by your NC??

Your NC with MM may end up driving him crazy. If he was really all over you, then chances are he's really going to miss it. But if you are done, then stay string and move on to a new relationship in the future. You sound like a woman who has a lot of good love to give and you should give it to a man who will eat that up!! 

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, JimmyNorth said:

my OW actions woke me

Yes, because your OW actually cheated on you. Behind your back she was sleeping with another man.
You decided to rush in there to "top" him and to reclaim what you considered yours.
She no doubt went along with where she thought her bread was best buttered. 
How wise a decision on your part that actually was, time will tell...

[Lurker123]

Thank you again Jimmy. Strangely your replies and your words give me comfort. I guess I see it as although it took you a while to realise- in the end you figured out what you wanted and you went for it and you are now (I am assuming!) happy. What I see from you gives me strength. It shows that actually if MM wanted to be with me and if everything he has said wasn’t lies- then he would be. The fact he had not attempted to contact me or walk away to be with me shows me everything I need to know and actually makes me feel secure in the fact I have made the right decision. I feel safe in the knowledge I could have done no more, I couldn’t have proved how much I loved him anymore, I gave up my marriage, my finances, my security because I wanted him that much, if that was not enough then there is no more I can do. My part is fulfilled and the next step was very much down to him. I feel like giving 18 months of my life and waiting that long was more than enough and now it is time for me to walk away with my head held as high as it can be! 😳

[JimmyNorth]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes, because your OW actually cheated on you. Behind your back she was sleeping with another man.
You decided to rush in there to "top" him and to reclaim what you considered yours.
She no doubt went along with where she thought her bread was best buttered. 
How wise a decision on your part that actually was, time will tell...

Yes, my mistress cheated on me. But I knew ahead of time it was heading in that direction. I just was not committing. She begged many years. I had plenty of warning just like Lurker gave her guy.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

I feel safe in the knowledge I could have done no more, I couldn’t have proved how much I loved him anymore, I gave up my marriage, my finances, my security because I wanted him that much, if that was not enough then there is no more I can do.

That’s too much. He was not worthy. You gave up everything for a man who was not prepared to do the same for you... That’s so sad. Sad for you, but even more sad for your children...

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

14 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Thank you Pepperbird. Yes I do feel I have seen the true colours this last few weeks in particular. It’s an eye opener that’s for sure. I know I will have days where I struggle with this and where I will find it hard to move on. I know I have to though. My issue throughout the whole of this, is that I never actually have thought I deserve better. My self esteem always has been low and it is at its lowest at the moment especially with being stuck at home. I want to make the most of being able to move forward I n a few weeks. Thank you for your kind words. 

I don't know you, but when I read your words, you sound like someone who is compassionate, strong and has a whole lot to offer.
Don't sell yourself short.

[Lurker123]

43 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s too much. He was not worthy. You gave up everything for a man who was not prepared to do the same for you... That’s so sad. Sad for you, but even more sad for your children...

 

Bailey- this is sadly true. It comes about due to the separation from my husband- I don’t regret ending my marriage as how things stood were not fair to him, but as a side to the separation- yes I have had to take a financial hit and let go of life as I know it. The children are still well looked after and do not go without, but I do! As much as I do miss my old life and the comforts, I do not regret giving it up as I could no longer live a lie. I could not have carried on my marriage this last 18 months whilst involved in the EA with MM, 2 months was enough for me! Now the next step forward is moving on away from the person who is living a lie because of me and dragging me down. I really want to change and feel better! 

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

I don't know you, but when I read your words, you sound like someone who is compassionate, strong and has a whole lot to offer.
Don't sell yourself short.

I agree. If anything, I would say that you are too empathic, which causes you to give too much credit where it is not deserved, excuse behavior that should not be excused, and give too much of yourself... Your perceived lack of self esteem, causes you to go above and beyond what most people would do to prove yourself worthy...My wish for you is that you begin to see your worth and cultivate the ability to set stronger boundaries - your children are your priority, but it’s also ok to put yourself first. If you don’t, nobody will. You owe that to yourself, and more importantly - your children. 

This man, who in your own words you have sacrificed everything, is so far down the list... He shouldn’t even make your list. The people on your list should bring something to your life, love you, support you, such that it is a mutually beneficial relationship. A relationship where you give EVERYTHING and he gives next to nothing, is very one sided and not a healthy relationship for you. 

Edited April 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[Lurker123]

23 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

I don't know you, but when I read your words, you sound like someone who is compassionate, strong and has a whole lot to offer.
Don't sell yourself short.

Thank you- I am trying to be strong! I am not sure I have much else to offer someone right now- but I am hoping in a few months once I have got my head around the end of this EA- I can offer someone all the love I have been misplacing this last year and a half! 
 

I will really try not too- thank you again, your support means so much 😊