So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[Beca L]

4 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Hey @Beca L- how are you doing today? I often think of your story actually- it hit me hard reading it. I think it’s even more of a warning that even if MM does leave BS- it’s not always going to be the happy ever after we wish for. You’ve done amazingly being NC for so long. I know you used to work together, so has it been easier not being at work and not having to see him? I understand where you’re coming from on the loneliness front, I’m also a single mum at home with my children- the nights and days they are with their dad are sometimes unbearable and I feel like I’m drowning in the silence! It is a difficult time to walk away from MM because there are not even any other distractions like going out with friends etc. 

Hi, 

I’m doing ok today, I’ve been in the garden most of the afternoon, weeding and cutting the grass so I’m feeling good that I’ve actually accomplished something !!! Xmm and I parted on bad terms, he let me down again just before Xmas, promising me things and then backtracking. All his boys were coming home for Xmas for the first time in 4 years and I realised I wasn’t important and he was just using me again. We had a heated discussion on the phone where I threatened to tell BS everything and it ended with him saying he needed to get something to eat and that was that. We’ve not spoken since. I ignore him at school and never look in his direction if I see him. It’s just terrible but I’m trying to appear indifferent even though sometimes it’s heartbreaking. I am determined to move on with my life and try to forget him. He has treated me terribly and he isn’t the person I fell in love with anymore. I reread my thread this morning and it helped greatly. I’ve been given some great advice on here and I’m trying my best to follow it. Yes, since lock down I’ve not seen him, so it’s been over 7 weeks. Longest ever actually. I’m working in a school next week for a few hours looking after key worker kids so I’m glad I can be of use and it will help take my mind off xmm. 
I know we can get through this, it’s a mindset. The situation in the world atm is not helping but it will not be forever and things will get back to a sort of normality in the coming months and I realise this is the hardest time so If we can get through this time we can get through anything. I watched ‘Soul surfer’ the other day with the kids about Bethany Hamilton, do you know her ? She had her arm bitten off by a tiger shark yet she managed to learn to surf again with only one arm and went on to compete and win surf competitions. People like that are so inspiring and it’s all in the head, like Bailey says you have to keep saying you can do it and you will get through it !!! We both deserve so much better than what these men were willing to offer. Hugs xo xo 

[Allupinnit]

Maybe he did feel infatuation but for me, truly loving someone is an act of selflessness even when you don't feel like it.  We all don't feel "in love" with our spouses all of the time.  Sometimes I don't even LIKE my H LOL.  But when we put one another first and race to the back of the line for each other we have little to be at odds about, and our relationship blossoms again.  It's definitely not as easy as blaming the other partner and looking outside the marriage for what we "think" is missing, but marriage is supposed to be worth fighting for.  

 

 

[Lylalou]

@Lurker123 no haven’t heard from him today, maybe he has deleted my no, but that’s fine, I haven’t broken no contact, I’m still on track to getting over MM. 

As for your questions about answers, what you have to remember is that they are accomplished liars, so even if you got answers would you believe them, I remember MM telling me a huge lie, he said he was home all weekend but I saw photos of him at a wedding in Scotland with his wife and daughter, swore he wasn’t away, and wouldn’t admit to being away to the day he died as he wasn’t away, that I should prove it. You see they tell you what they think you want to hear regardless of it being a lie, lies come easy to them. 
 

quote:- if their lips are moving they are lying

stay strong

[RebeccaR]

It might help to realize that some situations are too complex to overcome. I remember reading that Beca’s kids didn’t really like xMM and he wasn’t eager to raise younger kids. Even if they are perfect soulmates, some lives won’t intersect well. Same with Lurker: if she had met xMM before his marriage/baby, things might have been different. Now there is baggage (not that a baby is unwelcome baggage, but you know what I mean).

[JimmyNorth]

8 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

As this site promotes responsibility within relationships, I'll point out that this is a very slippery slope. I don't think it's useful to OW to suggest that some MM with bitch wives are being selfless by having affairs. This leads to OW thinking, "Oh yes, surely I've got one of the good ones, driven to cheat by his horrid wife." It is always on us to act in a responsible and healthy manner. Passive aggressively lashing out by having an affair is certainly no better than aggressively lashing out by being a "bitch," and one does not justify the other. An unhappily married man always has the option to leave the marriage. An unhappily "affaired" woman always has the option to leave the affair.

I'm not saying you just snap your fingers and it's that easy. Of course it's not. It takes a lot of determination, self-love, self-awareness, and grit. I'm rooting for all of you to make those hard choices and I will cheer you along the way.

I dont have any intentions on giving any forward looking statements as to her MM's motivations. Plus, my affair was not like "Hey, my wifes a b**tch so I can have an affair now, YAY!!"... What I wanted to illustrate was that I was in an unhappy marriage and I was the type that was struggling to leave (even before the affair started) for stupid reasons, but I really wanted to exit. I wanted Lurker to know my side of the fence and how I really did love my OW.

I believe that there are MM's that love their OW. Maybe my experience here will show her that her MM is not doing the same things I did to be with her.

[Lurker123]

20 hours ago, Beca L said:

Hi, 

I’m doing ok today, I’ve been in the garden most of the afternoon, weeding and cutting the grass so I’m feeling good that I’ve actually accomplished something !!! Xmm and I parted on bad terms, he let me down again just before Xmas, promising me things and then backtracking. All his boys were coming home for Xmas for the first time in 4 years and I realised I wasn’t important and he was just using me again. We had a heated discussion on the phone where I threatened to tell BS everything and it ended with him saying he needed to get something to eat and that was that. We’ve not spoken since. I ignore him at school and never look in his direction if I see him. It’s just terrible but I’m trying to appear indifferent even though sometimes it’s heartbreaking. I am determined to move on with my life and try to forget him. He has treated me terribly and he isn’t the person I fell in love with anymore. I reread my thread this morning and it helped greatly. I’ve been given some great advice on here and I’m trying my best to follow it. Yes, since lock down I’ve not seen him, so it’s been over 7 weeks. Longest ever actually. I’m working in a school next week for a few hours looking after key worker kids so I’m glad I can be of use and it will help take my mind off xmm. 
I know we can get through this, it’s a mindset. The situation in the world atm is not helping but it will not be forever and things will get back to a sort of normality in the coming months and I realise this is the hardest time so If we can get through this time we can get through anything. I watched ‘Soul surfer’ the other day with the kids about Bethany Hamilton, do you know her ? She had her arm bitten off by a tiger shark yet she managed to learn to surf again with only one arm and went on to compete and win surf competitions. People like that are so inspiring and it’s all in the head, like Bailey says you have to keep saying you can do it and you will get through it !!! We both deserve so much better than what these men were willing to offer. Hugs xo xo 

Wow, so he said he was getting something to eat and then you never heard anything more?! Do you think it was the threat of telling BS that put the final nail in the coffin? It’s probably a good thing that you haven’t had to physically see him during this time- I can’t even imagine how unbearable that would have been. How do you feel about potentially seeing him again when you are back to work? 
 

I’m glad to hear you have something to take your mind off things and keep you busy next week. I’m almost longing for tomorrow when I will have a few hours of work to keep me busy. I think I am going to physically go into the office on Wednesday as well just to get me out of the house for a few hours and keep me sane! I’m trying to focus on looking after myself, eating well and doing exercise as well as treating myself to a bit of pampering here and there. I had a quick look on a dating website as well, but came straight off- I realised it’s going to be a long time until I’m ready to take that step! 😂

I haven’t heard of that no. It sounds inspiring though. Perhaps I will look it up, as I always like getting the kids to watch things like that as think it makes them appreciate what they have more! 
 

I do keep telling myself I deserve more! It’s all so fresh though and this weekend has been particularly difficult x 

[Lurker123]

22 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

As this site promotes responsibility within relationships, I'll point out that this is a very slippery slope. I don't think it's useful to OW to suggest that some MM with bitch wives are being selfless by having affairs. This leads to OW thinking, "Oh yes, surely I've got one of the good ones, driven to cheat by his horrid wife." It is always on us to act in a responsible and healthy manner. Passive aggressively lashing out by having an affair is certainly no better than aggressively lashing out by being a "bitch," and one does not justify the other. An unhappily married man always has the option to leave the marriage. An unhappily "affaired" woman always has the option to leave the affair.

I'm not saying you just snap your fingers and it's that easy. Of course it's not. It takes a lot of determination, self-love, self-awareness, and grit. I'm rooting for all of you to make those hard choices and I will cheer you along the way.

I think if anything- the fact MM’s wife doesn’t appear to be a bitch and actually that their relationship wasn’t so bad makes this even worse! Like what reason would he have to seek out someone else if he has a loving wife at home? I’m not saying those who say their marriage is awful and that there is nothing left between them have a valid excuse, but you can almost see more why they would go looking elsewhere. Anyways like Bailey said, we can’t dwell on the ‘what ifs’ because they drive you crazy eventually and even if the answer is given- how would we ever know it’s the truth? I’d live to know the answers and the truths, but the fact is I never will and I just have to accept that and move on.

Thank you for the support x 

[Lurker123]

22 hours ago, MilaVaneela said:

Something my dad once said stuck with me, though. He said “people get hung up on if this and if that, but... if my dog had hooves he’d be a horse.” He’s right too, that the what-ifs we obsess over aren’t super likely to happen most of the time. 

Your dad is a very wise man indeed! I will remember this going forward-it’s so true- thank you x 

[Lurker123]

20 hours ago, Lylalou said:

@Lurker123 no haven’t heard from him today, maybe he has deleted my no, but that’s fine, I haven’t broken no contact, I’m still on track to getting over MM. 

As for your questions about answers, what you have to remember is that they are accomplished liars, so even if you got answers would you believe them, I remember MM telling me a huge lie, he said he was home all weekend but I saw photos of him at a wedding in Scotland with his wife and daughter, swore he wasn’t away, and wouldn’t admit to being away to the day he died as he wasn’t away, that I should prove it. You see they tell you what they think you want to hear regardless of it being a lie, lies come easy to them. 
 

quote:- if their lips are moving they are lying

stay strong

I’m glad you haven’t heard anything further and have stayed strong. It’s a small step, but actually a massive achievement for getting back on track and moving on from this- well done and you’re certainly inspiring me that’s for sure - so thank you for that ☺️
 

Wow- that’s so very true. We would never actually know for sure whether anything they have ever told us is true. We only know how we feel within ourselves, we can’t speak for other people. I guess at the time I WANTED to believe what he was telling me was true, I needed to, as if I didn’t have that belief- what was the point? I see now that he had likely said most of that stuff to keep me on side. I actually feel a bit pathetic that just a few words and zero actions kept me hanging for so long and how I based my future on something that was probably little more than lies. I’ve felt sick most of the day today- I think it’s finally all sinking in and feeling real- it’s actually over this time. 

[Lurker123]

13 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

I believe that there are MM's that love their OW. Maybe my experience here will show her that her MM is not doing the same things I did to be with her.

Thank you Jimmy- I’ve said it before- I take strength from what you say, not hope. I realise our situations are very different. It’s just very interesting to have both a male and an ex MM view on all of this! 

[Allupinnit]

To be fair, @JimmyNorth - I cringed really hard when you said "you didn't think you could do any better" than your XW.  

 

[Lurker123]

Hey @Aether- thank you for your post. You’ll probably get the best advice if you start a thread and then people can give you their honest advice and opinions. 
 

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. Even though it sounds like it’s only an emotional affair, I can imagine that’s just as bad as any physical affair. My advice to you would be to end it here. I KNOW that’s so easy to say and so difficult to do, but it sounds like this man has a lot going on at home and already feels extremely guilty about the emotional connection between the two of you. The excuses have started already... so he’s already basically told you he won’t be in a position to leave (thus entering an honest, genuine relationship with you) until his daughter turns 16 next year so you have to think that’s a year minimum of going through how you felt last week. That likely won’t be the end of it, the daughter will turn 16 (no idea what difference her age makes- if he’s genuinely unhappy that should make no difference!)  and he will push back the goalposts further, citing his wife’s ill health etc etc. 
 

End this here and now. I promise you that the way you felt last week will only get worse. Once you start riding the emotional and then potentially the physical rollercoaster, you won’t be able to get off and all you will be doing is wasting months and Possibly even years of your life where you could be in a proper living relationship with someone ☹️

[heartwhole2]

4 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

I think if anything- the fact MM’s wife doesn’t appear to be a bitch and actually that their relationship wasn’t so bad makes this even worse! Like what reason would he have to seek out someone else if he has a loving wife at home? I’m not saying those who say their marriage is awful and that there is nothing left between them have a valid excuse, but you can almost see more why they would go looking elsewhere. Anyways like Bailey said, we can’t dwell on the ‘what ifs’ because they drive you crazy eventually and even if the answer is given- how would we ever know it’s the truth? I’d live to know the answers and the truths, but the fact is I never will and I just have to accept that and move on.

Thank you for the support x 

Sounds like  a healthy mindset. 

In the first year or so after DDay, my husband was stuck in the idea that he wouldn't cheat on me again because he suddenly realized how happy he was with me. I would ask him why I should trust him and he would say that, and I'd have to say, "So this all depends on me? If you don't feel happy with me then you'll cheat on me again?" And he'd say, oh no, that's not what he meant . . . . But it took a lot of time and therapy before he realized that happy is as happy does. It's up to all of us to nurture relationships that are important to us, to advocate for what we need, etc. Doing those things naturally leads to happiness or to making change that will allow for it.

[Lylalou]

@Aetherplease please do not go any further, if your EA only started in Feb it is still relatively new, you will be opening yourself up to a world of hurt. Do you want to just share a man, a man that will tell you lies to keep you hanging in whilst staying where he wants to be. Even if he left you’d never be able to trust him, you know what he is capable of.

@Lurker123i still have good and bad days, but just know that it’s one day closer to being happy again.

I think I’ve pretty much made it apart from the occasional curved ball. Please remember you have to go through this pain, part of it is your head and heart trying to work it all out. Going back will only cause you more pain, hurt and test your sanity. I fell back into the affair many times but nothing changed and the pain continued for many wasted years. 

[ABernie]

On 5/2/2020 at 12:20 PM, Lurker123 said:

Thank you. I guess I’m still at the slightly lost stage at the moment. I KNOW this is the right thing to do and I am trying to let go, I really am, but the unanswered questions and the what ifs do make it difficult. I’m just being honest. I could well sit here and say ‘he’s blocked, I’m moving on, I’m not going to think about him again and I don’t care if we could have had a future together, I’m forgetting him’... but I can’t because none of that is true! 
 

I'm a year out from my reality check and NC.  That lost feeling is not easy.  Some days whatever you have to do to get by you do.  I think about MM all the time.  It's not always a good or bad thought, but I hate that he is on my mind and I can't get him out.  The one thing you don't have that I did, was D-day...multiple ones.  I wish I did not have those.  Even though he told me they were going through a divorce.  I wish I had answers, but I don't.  What I do know is that he created a new FB account.  I ended up seeing it (mutual friends) and I blocked him for months.  The one freaking time I unblocked, you have to wait 48 hours to block again.  He (or his BW, although it doesn't matter) beat me to it.   I hate that it was taken out of my control.  I completely regret unblocking .  {{{{hugs}}}}  I hate that I sympathising so hard reading this.  My heart and stomach are in knots reading this thread.  

[Beca L]

23 hours ago, ABernie said:

I think about MM all the time.  It's not always a good or bad thought, but I hate that he is on my mind and I can't get him out.

I feel the same atm but I thought after a year this might have got better. I realise that lock down probably doesn't help as we can't do things to take our mind off them and no work to keep us busy. Anyway I'm sorry to hear this, but NC is the only way to move on I guess. Anyway I know how you feel and you are not alone, @Lurker123 hope you are ok. xo xo 

[Lurker123]

On 5/6/2020 at 12:45 AM, ABernie said:

I'm a year out from my reality check and NC.  That lost feeling is not easy.  Some days whatever you have to do to get by you do.  I think about MM all the time.  It's not always a good or bad thought, but I hate that he is on my mind and I can't get him out.  The one thing you don't have that I did, was D-day...multiple ones.  I wish I did not have those.  Even though he told me they were going through a divorce.  I wish I had answers, but I don't.  What I do know is that he created a new FB account.  I ended up seeing it (mutual friends) and I blocked him for months.  The one freaking time I unblocked, you have to wait 48 hours to block again.  He (or his BW, although it doesn't matter) beat me to it.   I hate that it was taken out of my control.  I completely regret unblocking .  {{{{hugs}}}}  I hate that I sympathising so hard reading this.  My heart and stomach are in knots reading this thread.  

Thank you @ABernie. I’m sorry to hear that MM is still on you mind this far down the line. It does worry me that I won’t be able to move forward from this. I don’t want to spend my life thinking ‘what if’ and not being able to move on. The thought of it at the moment is impossible though. 

Do you think the fact you had a d day was why the A ended? Please try not to worry about the Facebook thing- you shouldn’t dwell on that. The fact that you unblocked and they noticed within 48 hours says everything about them And nothing about you- as they must have been checking the account regularly to know you had unblocked! 
 

Thank you for your words and I hope things start to feel easier soon 😕 x 

[Lurker123]

11 hours ago, Beca L said:

I feel the same atm but I thought after a year this might have got better. I realise that lock down probably doesn't help as we can't do things to take our mind off them and no work to keep us busy. Anyway I'm sorry to hear this, but NC is the only way to move on I guess. Anyway I know how you feel and you are not alone, @Lurker123 hope you are ok. xo xo 

Lockdown definitely makes things a lot harder! 
 

I have felt Ok the last couple of days but then last night I struggled to sleep thinking back over all the times me and MM had together and now my mindset today is bad and I feel really down and can’t stop thinking about him. 

[pepperbird]

8 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Lockdown definitely makes things a lot harder! 
 

I have felt Ok the last couple of days but then last night I struggled to sleep thinking back over all the times me and MM had together and now my mindset today is bad and I feel really down and can’t stop thinking about him. 

Is there any way you can distract yourself while still following the covid-19 rules? Are you ale to go for a walk in the park, start a garden, that sort of thing? I know that may sound trite, but there can be something really healing about nature. It will also occupy your mind and maybe help your heart to heal a little bit.

I know it's not the same sort of situation, but after my mom died, I was a mess. Being out in the fresh air, sunshine and getting my hands dirty really made a difference. I don't know why. There was something is healing about caring for the plants, watching them grow and harvesting the fruits and flowers and having my feet bare in the grass. It became my place to go when everything is bad. I may not have much control over what goes on in my life, but in my garden, there's peace and tranquility. The birds come, the bees and butterflies land, and for that bit of time, all is well in the world.

Do you have a go to place like that? What did you do for healing and comfort before MM came along? Those places/techniques are still there inside of you, Can you find them again?

[Lurker123]

1 hour ago, pepperbird said:

Is there any way you can distract yourself while still following the covid-19 rules? Are you ale to go for a walk in the park, start a garden, that sort of thing? I know that may sound trite, but there can be something really healing about nature. It will also occupy your mind and maybe help your heart to heal a little bit.

I know it's not the same sort of situation, but after my mom died, I was a mess. Being out in the fresh air, sunshine and getting my hands dirty really made a difference. I don't know why. There was something is healing about caring for the plants, watching them grow and harvesting the fruits and flowers and having my feet bare in the grass. It became my place to go when everything is bad. I may not have much control over what goes on in my life, but in my garden, there's peace and tranquility. The birds come, the bees and butterflies land, and for that bit of time, all is well in the world.

Do you have a go to place like that? What did you do for healing and comfort before MM came along? Those places/techniques are still there inside of you, Can you find them again?

That’s so kind thank you, and I’m so sorry to hear about your mum 😢

I’m planning on doing some things with my children tomorrow, but actually yes my garden does need a lot of work and perhaps it is time for me to get out there and sort it! I think I need to make myself a ‘to do’ list to keep myself occupied and busy! When I have things to do I’m not thinking of him so much- and when I sit down- he’s all I can think about! Distraction is the key I think. Thank you Pepperbird x 

[BaileyB]

I walked and walked and walked after my mom passed away. Every mile I walked helped me to sort things in my mind and put my soul more at peace. Besides, if you put on your sunglasses nobody even knows when you are crying... Gardening helps too. And, knitting. It keeps my mind busy, when it needs to calm.

Edited May 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[SS2855]

On 5/3/2020 at 10:49 AM, Lurker123 said:

I’m glad you haven’t heard anything further and have stayed strong. It’s a small step, but actually a massive achievement for getting back on track and moving on from this- well done and you’re certainly inspiring me that’s for sure - so thank you for that ☺️
 

Wow- that’s so very true. We would never actually know for sure whether anything they have ever told us is true. We only know how we feel within ourselves, we can’t speak for other people. I guess at the time I WANTED to believe what he was telling me was true, I needed to, as if I didn’t have that belief- what was the point? I see now that he had likely said most of that stuff to keep me on side. I actually feel a bit pathetic that just a few words and zero actions kept me hanging for so long and how I based my future on something that was probably little more than lies. I’ve felt sick most of the day today- I think it’s finally all sinking in and feeling real- it’s actually over this time. 

Lurker it’s quite possible he cared very much for you and loved you- he just couldn’t meet you where you needed him to. ❤️ 

[assertives]

[assertives]

Another thing I would suggest is decluttering. The lockdown with nowhere to go, no one to meet and nothing to do is a good time to start cleaning out your wardrobe, your room, the house, the kitchen, whatever. It does give a sense of accomplishment and can be quite therapeutic and cathartic too. While you are at it, perhaps you can also rearrange some furniture or redecorate your place a little especially in rooms that MM have been in. It does help.

[JimmyNorth]

On 5/3/2020 at 9:38 AM, Allupinnit said:

To be fair, @JimmyNorth - I cringed really hard when you said "you didn't think you could do any better" than your XW.  

 

What I meant by that was I felt that I was not worth much as a man. I had low self esteem and I would think that the scraps of affection I got was acceptable because that's how much anyone would give me. I always had other women tell me i'm super attractive and even offered to go on dates with me, but I always declined FOR YEARS until I finally broke. I know its hard to believe because MM's are supposed to be these BIG BAD A*SS MEN, but some of us MM's experience starvation of affection too.