So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Lurker123 said:

Thank you- I am trying to be strong! I am not sure I have much else to offer someone right now- but I am hoping in a few months once I have got my head around the end of this EA- I can offer someone all the love I have been misplacing this last year and a half! 

Your job right now is to care for your children, and get right with yourself. You don’t have anything to offer anyone right now, and that ok. You don’t need to offer anything to anyone. You will find someone, when you are ready. But, you have a lot of healing to do before you are ready... So don’t feel any pressure to partner up. The best thing you could do for yourself AND your children right now is to take the time you need to heal, to be happy and healthy together. There should be no rush to complicate life with another relationship. I’m a big believer that it will happen, when the time is right. 

[MilaVaneela]

5 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Thank you- I am trying to be strong! I am not sure I have much else to offer someone right now- but I am hoping in a few months once I have got my head around the end of this EA- I can offer someone all the love I have been misplacing this last year and a half! 
 

I will really try not too- thank you again, your support means so much 😊

Hi Lurker. 
 

I’m on the opposite end of things from you for lack of a better term (BS), but I think that what @BaileyB said about taking some time to just concentrate on your kids and yourself is a fantastic idea and very, very healing.
 

My former marriage was full of physical and emotional abuse and it really skewed my sense of self worth, so taking some time (along with good therapy) to let myself heal and know that 1) I didn’t need someone else to complete me (even though my xH had a laundry list of issues there was still a part of me that wished he’d just magically be okay again and we could be happy) 2) that I WAS good enough as a human being despite others’ words and actions toward me and 3) I deserved better than to just stay in a holding pattern with someone who in the end wasn’t as invested in me as I was in him- has been very helpful in not only my current relationship but also in my interactions with my family, friends, coworkers, etc. 

I know I’ve rambled 😅 but I do hope this is at least a little encouraging for you, because I think that despite the circumstances we faced being different, the pain is very similar. You seem, as others said, like a very caring person and I wish you very, very well. 

Edited April 29, 2020 by MilaVaneela
Clarify thought, lost something when I started rambling lol

[Lurker123]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Your job right now is to care for your children, and get right with yourself. You don’t have anything to offer anyone right now, and that ok. You don’t need to offer anything to anyone. You will find someone, when you are ready. But, you have a lot of healing to do before you are ready... So don’t feel any pressure to partner up. The best thing you could do for yourself AND your children right now is to take the time you need to heal, to be happy and healthy together. There should be no rush to complicate life with another relationship. I’m a big believer that it will happen, when the time is right. 

Thank you. I am definitely in no rush that is for sure- in fact I am quite grateful that the pressure is off at the moment due to the lockdown! My children come first, they always have,  but I admit my mind has been elsewhere at times, I can’t deny that. I really want to stay strong this time, I WANT to move past this and make something of myself and feel stronger and more confident. This has knocked my self esteem, I can feel that, so I need to work on building that back up again. Thank you again Bailey for your continued support- I don’t know how I would have got through this week so far without this forum! 

[Lurker123]

2 hours ago, MilaVaneela said:

My former marriage was full of physical and emotional abuse and it really skewed my sense of self worth, so taking some time (along with good therapy) to let myself heal and know that 1) I didn’t need someone else to complete me (even though my xH had a laundry list of issues there was still a part of me that wished he’d just magically be okay again and we could be happy) 2) that I WAS good enough as a human being despite others’ words and actions toward me and 3) I deserved better than to just stay in a holding pattern with someone who in the end wasn’t as invested in me as I was in him- has been very helpful in not only my current relationship but also in my interactions with my family, friends, coworkers, etc. 

Wow thank you so much for your kind words 😊 I really means a lot when a BS takes time to comment on my post, especially with such supportive words as yours, it shows real strength of character- so thank you. I am so pleased to hear your positive news. That is fantastic that you are now in such a great place and have turned round what must have been an awful time in your life, to be where you are now. 
 

I will take on board everything you have said. I know I need to separate my own self worth from my feelings about MM. I will truly work on doing that. I am not sure how much longer we have left of this while lockdown situation, but I know I want to come out of it feeling more positive than when I went in. Easier said than done I know- there are days where that seems impossible- especially this week!

Again, thank you. So many people who post on her are such an inspiration to me and have made such a difference to my mindset ❤️

[pepperbird]

The only one who can  determine  your self worth is you.
What makes you special? What makes you a great mom? What makes you happy? What good do you bring to this world? What do your friends like about you?

You have so much worth- you just have to see it and believe it.

[lifeoflies]

On 4/28/2020 at 10:34 AM, Lurker123 said:

Jimmy- another thought I have had- usually when we have an argument- he is the one to come grovelling back- usually within 2-3 days. This time- nothing. Something that’s crossed my mind is that in usual circumstances I always think he worries about when we ‘end’ things- I will then be free to go out and meet someone else and I can do that at my own free will- he has no control over that. Whereas now, during this whole lockdown, he knows I’m not going anywhere, knows I can’t meet anyone else- so the risk is low and he may as well keep me hanging and teach me a lesson! Just a thought? 

wow...you seem to give this guy way too much credit for self-awareness.

[Allupinnit]

56 minutes ago, lifeoflies said:

wow...you seem to give this guy way too much credit for self-awareness.

Lurker - don't go down the rabbit hole of how you want to manipulate him into chasing after you after reading Jimmy's story and how it "woke him up."  I don't believe he had any young babies at home.  Unfortunately that's the danger of the internet; you can find literally any sort of situation out there that you hope is the outcome for yourself, despite what your reality is telling you.  I used to obsessively google "got my ex back with NC" when I was dumped and guess what?  IT NEVER WORKED LOL.  I eventually just moved on.

Since he's blocked, how to you expect him to grovel?  Did you leave a loophole somewhere?  He's not chasing you down because there's a pandemic going on and he's at home with his wife and baby, taking care of them first (as he should).  

Once things are back to normal somewhat and he can leave the house for any significant amount of time I'm positive you'll hear from him, ready to put you back in your place, hooked, but do you really expect him to leave his family with all of this uncertainty surrounding us?  

[JimmyNorth]

1 hour ago, lifeoflies said:

wow...you seem to give this guy way too much credit for self-awareness.

What is that supposed to mean????

Im a MM that went through a messed up journey in my head during my affair. I explain my own mechanics of how I was feeling and why I made choice, even if they were bad.

Even though I was a MM, I still had feelings of love. I wasn’t some serial cheater monster trying to ruin the lives of women because of my own sexual needs or something. Just like any normal loving human, I too wanted a connection and some kind of passion, which my OW gave me.

Lurker is a OW, she is looking for the straight unfiltered truth from other OW’s and MM’s as well. I’m more than happy to illustrate my side of the world, even if it’s a chaotic, messed up, and hurtful way of life I lived during my “fun” double life I was living.

Im a MM that was emotionally hurting a OW pretty bad, and I was also hurting my wife as well.

[JimmyNorth]

25 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Lurker - don't go down the rabbit hole of how you want to manipulate him into chasing after you after reading Jimmy's story and how it "woke him up."  I don't believe he had any young babies at home.  Unfortunately that's the danger of the internet; you can find literally any sort of situation out there that you hope is the outcome for yourself, despite what your reality is telling you.  I used to obsessively google "got my ex back with NC" when I was dumped and guess what?  IT NEVER WORKED LOL.  I eventually just moved on.

Since he's blocked, how to you expect him to grovel?  Did you leave a loophole somewhere?  He's not chasing you down because there's a pandemic going on and he's at home with his wife and baby, taking care of them first (as he should).  

Once things are back to normal somewhat and he can leave the house for any significant amount of time I'm positive you'll hear from him, ready to put you back in your place, hooked, but do you really expect him to leave his family with all of this uncertainty surrounding us?  

My kids were all over 16 years old and they were pretty much over Mom and Dad fighting for over a decade. Was not a happy home for a LOOOOONG time!

Admittedly, it would have been difficult with babies at home.

And my experience as a MM is just that, it was my own situation. I’m one of those MM’s that wanted his OW. It happens. Not saying its common but it does happen.

[Allupinnit]

Another thing to consider is that he doesn't want to leave his kid only to see her half the time and then be a stepfather to yours.  

[JimmyNorth]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

Another thing to consider is that he doesn't want to leave his kid only to see her half the time and then be a stepfather to yours.  

This could definitely be a possibility. I bet you that this MM is torn inside. I’d put money on it!

[MilaVaneela]

 

58 minutes ago, JimmyNorth said:

This could definitely be a possibility. I bet you that this MM is torn inside. I’d put money on it!

Jimmy, I understand you mean well and are trying to be helpful. That said... I say this as sensitively as possible... I don’t think that encouraging Lurker to play little mind games (breaking NC when her mental state is improving just to dangle before MM the information that she’s dating) to manipulate him into coming back to her is very productive or helpful.
 

The man has a very young child and apparently has said that he still loves his wife so this is hardly the hellhole marriage that he needs to escape from to find his grand, one true ever after love. Not all MM are serial scoundrels, true. But then again, for every man that trades his “old hag” of a wife in for a Disney Princess OW, there are also MM who cheat on their wives with meth addicts who have mile long rap sheets (much like my xH’s OW) because they’re “easy”... no experience is universal and I certainly don’t think all MM and OW fall neatly into either category. We really don’t know at the end of the day. 
 

More than that though, it puts Lurker in a position again where she is expending a lot of energy on obsessing over the MM and making her life once again all about HIM instead of devoting that energy toward loving and healing HERSELF (as my therapist has always said, you have to love yourself first before you can truly love others). 

[lifeoflies]

3 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Did you leave a loophole somewhere?

I am guessing she has.  Thats the way i would have played it.

[lifeoflies]

1 hour ago, MilaVaneela said:

love yourself first

what exactly does that mean?  sounds dandy.  how do you execute this "loving yourself first" mantra??? 

(Sorry for the threadjack mods.)

[MilaVaneela]

57 minutes ago, lifeoflies said:

what exactly does that mean?  sounds dandy.  how do you execute this "loving yourself first" mantra??? 

(Sorry for the threadjack mods.)

I’m not entirely sure if this is passive aggressive snark or an honest question, so in good faith I’ll answer it as if it is the second even though I have a strong feeling it is the first. 
 

As I told Lurker, seeing this is her thread and she wants honest practical advice: 

1) recognize that you are complete in and of yourself and don’t need others to complete you. Your relationships with other people can enhance your life for sure, but they shouldn’t define who you are. 
2) recognizing that you are good enough just being you, by this I mean not changing who you are to be what you think others want you to be. 
3) deciding that if people or situations are turning you into someone you don’t like or recognize or aren’t comfortable being, to remove those elements from your life. Painful? Definitely. Went through a nasty divorce for just this reason and even though it sucked, this was the best thing for my wellbeing in the end. 
 

I’ve had a long day and am tired so I am sorry for my potentially annoyed tone, I just don’t see the point in snark (if this is snark, if not I apologize) when this lady (Lurker) is hurting and looking for practical advice. 
 

[lifeoflies]

58 minutes ago, MilaVaneela said:

3) deciding that if people or situations are turning you into someone you don’t like or recognize or aren’t comfortable being, to remove those elements from your life. Painful? Definitely. Went through a nasty divorce for just this reason and even though it sucked, this was the best thing for my wellbeing in the end. 

Thank you for the courtesy of a response.

[JimmyNorth]

1 hour ago, MilaVaneela said:

I’m not entirely sure if this is passive aggressive snark or an honest question, so in good faith I’ll answer it as if it is the second even though I have a strong feeling it is the first. 
 

As I told Lurker, seeing this is her thread and she wants honest practical advice: 

1) recognize that you are complete in and of yourself and don’t need others to complete you. Your relationships with other people can enhance your life for sure, but they shouldn’t define who you are. 
2) recognizing that you are good enough just being you, by this I mean not changing who you are to be what you think others want you to be. 
3) deciding that if people or situations are turning you into someone you don’t like or recognize or aren’t comfortable being, to remove those elements from your life. Painful? Definitely. Went through a nasty divorce for just this reason and even though it sucked, this was the best thing for my wellbeing in the end. 
 

I’ve had a long day and am tired so I am sorry for my potentially annoyed tone, I just don’t see the point in snark (if this is snark, if not I apologize) when this lady (Lurker) is hurting and looking for practical advice. 
 

I totally agree with you that we don’t necessarily need another person to to complete ourselves. With the right attitude and outlook on life, we as people can definitely be our own boss and make our own destiny, and a happy one at that!

Now, with that being said, there is something about having someone you love (or even lust after) who treats you or gives you feelings that you have not felt for a while that definitely makes you feel alive again. Yes, it’s the high of the affair.

But please understand, that this high feeling is NOT BAD. You can also get this same high from having real relationship with a real single man as well.

In Lurkers case, it’s unfortunate that her high comes from a MM. Yes, he may be hitting some of pleasure centers in her brain, but the agony of the wait is taking its toll. And unfortunately that’s what can come from having a MM.

It is totally ok to preach self reliance and learn to not be co-dependent. I totally believe in having those strengths. But let me tell you, once you find your true love (hopefully appropriately) you would see that you would have no problems resigning to your lover and becoming co-dependent IN A HEALTHY WAY. Personally I think it’s cool when my current GF misses me when I’m away for a few hours.

Maybe I’m a different type of MM, but I love it when my woman is clingy and wants to be all over me all the time, ESPECIALLY when it’s a gorgeous woman who can have any guy they want in life. Sorry if I sound shallow, but that’s my straight dope.

[lifeoflies]

1 hour ago, JimmyNorth said:

t is totally ok to preach self reliance and learn to not be co-dependent. I totally believe in having those strengths. But let me tell you, once you find your true love (hopefully appropriately) you would see that you would have no problems resigning to your lover and becoming co-dependent IN A HEALTHY WAY. Personally I think it’s cool when my current GF misses me when I’m away for a few hours.

Maybe I’m a different type of MM, but I love it when my woman is clingy and wants to be all over me all the time, ESPECIALLY when it’s a gorgeous woman who can have any guy they want in life. Sorry if I sound shallow, but that’s my straight dope.

 Dude, glad you said what you said,  AMEN .... not shallow at all  IMO there is nothing wrong with having a great woman dedicated to you...she will stay because she knows you appreciate her.  you gave

co -dependence another face. 

"resigning to your lover" is a necessary but difficult for some people but i think if you can do that...it would be blissful.
write a book.  :  )

Edited April 30, 2020 by lifeoflies

[JimmyNorth]

42 minutes ago, lifeoflies said:

 Dude, glad you said what you said,  AMEN .... not shallow at all  IMO there is nothing wrong with having a great woman dedicated to you...she will stay because she knows you appreciate her.  you gave

co -dependence another face. 

"resigning to your lover" is a necessary but difficult for some people but i think if you can do that...it would be blissful.
write a book.  :  )

Thanks brotha!!

[MilaVaneela]

9 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

Now, with that being said, there is something about having someone you love (or even lust after) who treats you or gives you feelings that you have not felt for a while that definitely makes you feel alive again.

 I do understand this as I am happily remarried after my disastrous first marriage. 
 

What I have been trying to say is this: Lurker mentioned feeling lost, confused, and in a complete mess because this man has kept her on hold for some time and is obviously not moving to change things or leave his wife. She made the decision on her own to move on from him and repair her mental health. How then is it productive to go back to waiting because he “might” (or not) come back, or worse, to start scheming and playing games to try to get him on the hook? 
 

I know, I know, you did it and you got your OW full time in the end... you pay lip service to the fact that you treated both her and your wife incredibly poorly (to be honest, it seems that you have quite a bit of contempt for the wife who you also did wrong by and place all the blame on her for your unhappiness in the marriage), but hey, you got what you wanted in the end, right? 
 

I hope I don’t come across as nasty or hostile because that certainly isn’t my intent. All I mean is that Lurker already had decided at least at the beginning of the thread that she wanted to end things and focus on herself and her children’s lives and I maybe don’t quite understand why you keep pushing her to try to get the MM back. He’s not you, Lurker isn’t your OW and no one’s experiences are universal.

I will say this: you seem like a good guy and that your intent is to be encouraging so I hope I don’t seem like I have animosity toward you, I really don’t. I just want to understand where you are coming from. 
 

Okay, that said 😅 @Lurker123 how are you? And your children, are they doing well? 

[Lurker123]

19 hours ago, pepperbird said:

The only one who can  determine  your self worth is you.
What makes you special? What makes you a great mom? What makes you happy? What good do you bring to this world? What do your friends like about you?

You have so much worth- you just have to see it and believe it.

Thank you Pepperbird- I am trying really hard to see all of those things at the moment x

[Lurker123]

17 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

ince he's blocked, how to you expect him to grovel?  Did you leave a loophole somewhere?  He's not chasing you down because there's a pandemic going on and he's at home with his wife and baby, taking care of them first (as he should).  

Thank you. I don’t expect him to grovel. I was just interested as to if I had walked away with my dignity intact from MM point if view! It doesn’t matter at all either way,  as I have said before I am just naturally inquisitive and wanted to know what Jimmys thoughts were on it. I do think Jimmy does get a lot of unnecessary stock at time 😂 I know he is trying to help and oddly I have found comfort in his words. Not because I compare him to the MM I am seeing but he makes me realise that perhaps I haven’t spent the last 18 months on something completely one sided and that perhaps deep down MM did actually care. It makes it easier to walk away when you know that, it’s a lesson learnt, but at least it wasn’t a complete waste. 
 

I have left no loopholes. He is blocked. The only way he can contact is work email, but I am due to be furloughed soon and emails will be forwarded to my line manager with a bounce back saying as such- so if he attempts to email during that time then it will be worse for him than me. 
 

I don’t even want to be chased anymore. I just want to move in with my life. 

[Lurker123]

14 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

I am guessing she has.  Thats the way i would have played it.

No loophole. I have gone NC. 

[Lurker123]

2 hours ago, MilaVaneela said:

 

Okay, that said 😅@Lurker123 how are you? And your children, are they doing well? 

Thank you for asking 😊 The last 24 hours have been hard admittedly, I know I have done the right thing,  it it doesn’t make it any easier that’s for sure! I’ve cried when I needed to and tried to concentrate on work. My two children have been with their dad the last 2 days and will be back this evening so my focus and attention will be on them for the next few days. 
 

Being able to read and post on this forum has been a complete godsend! I can’t tell you how grateful I am to everyone on here who has gone out of their way to give time and advice to a complete stranger. It means so very much. It has certainly helped with seeing things a lot clearer, from both perspectives.

im also so glad to hear you’re now in a good marriage, you sound like you really deserve to be happy 😊 

[MilaVaneela]

3 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

The last 24 hours have been hard admittedly, I know I have done the right thing,  it it doesn’t make it any easier that’s for sure! I’ve cried when I needed to and tried to concentrate on work. My two children have been with their dad the last 2 days and will be back this evening so my focus and attention will be on them for the next few days. 

Thank you so much for your kind words! 

I highlighted this section of your post because I wanted to comment something. You said you’ve cried when you needed to... I’m glad you’re allowing yourself to feel and process your emotions because even though it may not have been the right thing to do to be involved in an affair, the feelings are still real and painful to you. I’ve noticed a trend in some places (not as much here but in some other relationship advice forums it gets really bad) of handslapping people who have gotten out of affairs when they comment that they’re hurting and while I understand the abstract principle I also think the human factor should be allowed to come into play. I mean, my god, we aren’t robots, so as long as these emotions don’t lead to destructive actions we should be allowed to acknowledge them. 
 

I know some will find my approach a little “woo-woo” or Mr. Rogers-ish but hey, being endlessly angry and bitter takes its toll on one’s mental AND physical health so for me, I’d rather let it go. 
 

I only know what little you’ve posted here about you but even in this short bit of writing you come across as a caring person who got caught up in a bad situation and I hope that whatever comes to you in the future is good. 😁