So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

I’m not sure he would ever come crawling back- and even if he does it’s too late, as he is unable to contact me now! Maybe in the future he’ll ether realise this was for the best or a big mistake- I have no idea- but I guess I can’t dwell on it because those thoughts torture me at night! 

I believe the more fully resolved you are to walk away and the more impossible any contact is, the easier things will be for you emotionally.

When your furlough ends, you'll no doubt be happy to be working again; however, if you start to see him again it is likely to retrigger your feelings. It probably won't change your decision to end things (and I hope it doesn't), but the emotional distress may start up again - there's a genuine risk.

You might consider using the furlough to set yourself up for a job move and/or the "disruption" when the economy starts reopening again as an opportunity to make a move. If it can be to an even better position, that would be a double-win.

Just something to consider.

[Lurker123]

42 minutes ago, Lylalou said:

@Lurker123 I couldn’t have written you last post better, it’s exactly how I have felt over the 7 yrs I have been addicted to MM.

I’m nearly 10 months no contact, I couldn’t face the anxiety and feel so let down and lied to anymore, it was soul destroying. I am getting there slowly and have been doing so well until he started messaging me again occasionally 3 weeks ago, I didn’t reply and would just be feeling better about the what if thoughts when he would message again. You have been really strong to block and I know I have to do the same as these occasional texts are bringing back the good memories when I should remember only the bad, the not being able to see me, the lies, the wondering what he’s doing at home and the awful lonely times when he disappears on holiday. Honestly we will be better off when we make it. Good luck Lucker

10 months is amazing work- well done you. You definitely should block. Take the control back and don’t let him bring you back down again. It’s interesting that he has appeared after so long- did he say why and what were the content of his messages? If you haven’t replied then great- but for your own sanity you should stop him being able to play these mind games with you by closing the door and hitting the block button. 
 

I think if you have any doubts, try to remember all the nights you spent at home on your own wondering what he was doing with his family, try to remember the anxiety you would have felt when he didn’t reply to your messages and the constant emotional rollercoaster you would have been on. 
 

Sometimes when I’m having a really low point I read through some quotes on Pinterest and it sounds really silly but they really perk me up and remind me to stay strong! A good one I read today was ‘How they make you feel says a lot about them and nothing about you... someone who makes you question whether you are worthy of being loved, is not worthy of being loved by you’ That really rang true with me! 

[Lurker123]

22 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I believe the more fully resolved you are to walk away and the more impossible any contact is, the easier things will be for you emotionally.

Mark.. strangely this is so true! The moment I hit the block button and deleted all trace of him off my phone I felt instantly stronger. I also deleted my SM accounts so I can have a bit of space in general. I felt like I’d gained a bit of control and power back in my life. For so long I’ve been lead by him.. waiting for him to message first.. waiting for him to say when he can come and see me.. waiting for him to say today is the day it’s over (he never said that but the fear of it for me was almost worse than it actually being said or happening) that by removing all of that I felt a lot calmer and instantly less stressed. I’m not sure why- but I feel good about it. I’m not saying there won’t be tough days ahead, but I think with resolve and by carrying on reading and supporting others on here and focusing on moving forward with my life I can get through this. 
 

Work wise I am currently still working, albeit from home. MM is not connected with me directly at work, very loosely in fact, we work for different companies, but he knows my work email. The current situation and how my company have treated staff throughout this time had actually made me reevaluate my working position. I am currently studying and want to try and get into that field if possible- so maybe this is my chance to do that and have a fresh start all round! Thank you. 

[Lylalou]

@Lurker123 all those things you said of how I felt are so true, I have kept diaries over the last 5 years and they show me just how far I have come and how awful the anxiety he has given me over the years and how little self worth he has made me feel.

The messages are him trying to be friends, wanting to know how  am and my children, he knows I’m off work and think he wanted to draw me in about that too. He told me there’s no sinister motive and in another he has no hidden agenda, and that he’s disappointed I havent replied. Yesterday’s messages were birthday wishes and how he won’t stop asking how I am until I answer, today’s message is he’s going to delete my no as I obviously am not going to reply and that I don’t care about him enough to answer and that obviously I feel I can afford to lose a friend after 26 yrs.

Tbh he’s annoyed me and I very nearly bit today and replied, but I didn’t and feel better although he is still way to much in my thoughts. I will get there and if I can you can. The feelings we have for these men is never reciprocated and the crumbs we are offered are not enough. Stay strong Lurker.

[Lurker123]

54 minutes ago, Lylalou said:

@Lurker123 all those things you said of how I felt are so true, I have kept diaries over the last 5 years and they show me just how far I have come and how awful the anxiety he has given me over the years and how little self worth he has made me feel.

The messages are him trying to be friends, wanting to know how  am and my children, he knows I’m off work and think he wanted to draw me in about that too. He told me there’s no sinister motive and in another he has no hidden agenda, and that he’s disappointed I havent replied. Yesterday’s messages were birthday wishes and how he won’t stop asking how I am until I answer, today’s message is he’s going to delete my no as I obviously am not going to reply and that I don’t care about him enough to answer and that obviously I feel I can afford to lose a friend after 26 yrs.

Tbh he’s annoyed me and I very nearly bit today and replied, but I didn’t and feel better although he is still way to much in my thoughts. I will get there and if I can you can. The feelings we have for these men is never reciprocated and the crumbs we are offered are not enough. Stay strong Lurker.

I’m so sorry to hear this. He’s probably stuck in lockdown going out of his mind like we all are and feeling a bit needy and wanting attention! I love the way he’s thrown his toys out the pram when you haven’t responded! Like you say he’s trying to get you to bite, you have done amazingly staying so strong- don’t give in now.. block and move on and leave him in the dust! It’s him that has missed out on you.

I’ve had so many times over the last couple of days where I’ve wanted to just unblock, say sorry and that I miss him, but then I remember- if he really wanted me- he’s had the last 18 months to do something about it. I just keep saying over and over to myself ‘actions speak louder than words’ and my MM actions were non existent apart from the odd occasional crumbs to keep me from starving. It’s not enough for anyone, it’s also not fair they get to have their cake and eat it. I now am just trying to see MM for what he really is, a cheat, a liar and actually a coward. I am also trying to think of BS and his daughter. Before I came off social media I went onto his Facebook and looked at every single photo of him and BS, I had never done that before and it tore me apart but I could see the love in those pictures, the way they held each other on their wedding day, the way they were looking at each other on a night out and also pictures where they were holding their newborn daughter with pride in their faces. I realised that is THEIR life and I have no place in it and I never will. It is also not my place to tear that apart. I am trying to think of all of these things to keep me strong. Keep us updated and stay strong also! x 

 

[Lylalou]

@Lurker123 everything you say has resonated with me, it’s the same crumbs that I’ve been thrown for years, the promises, the goal posts changing.
Sadly MM won’t be stuck in lockdown as he’s a key worker for the nhs. 

For a long time I felt like I was in competition with his wife, I really feel for their wives as they haven’t had a choice in what has been going on. They are in the dark as to what the men they married who made promises to them have been doing. I realised she isn’t competition Im the one who shouldnt be in their lives, it’s taken a long time over the last 10 months to realise this. Please don’t look at his FB etc it’s punishing you and keeps your mind engaged in the wrong thoughts.

You have come to realise the best way to stop the hurt and negativity in your life. You will have tough days when you think the hurt is harder than staying but you can’t carry on, they aren’t leaving their comfortable lives. If they wanted to be with us they would have made an effort to making that happen but they didnt, they are where they want to be with their family and just want us as an ego boost and extra sex. 
You sound strong so please just take one day at a time. 

[Beca L]

50 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

I now am just trying to see MM for what he really is, a cheat, a liar and actually a coward

Hi Lurker123 

I've been following your thread for a few days and I feel for you and @Lylalou I guess all three of us are in the exact same situation. I'm nearly 19 weeks NC (tomorrow) and believe me it has not been easy but I think it is the best thing for you to do right now Lurker123. You deserve so much better and he really isn't worth it. I'm still heartbroken by what has happened to me but I think the lock down and isolation isn't helping me. As a single mum I'm missing adult conversation and contact. I do spend too much time thinking about XMM. Anyway I hope you are able to remain in NC and try to move on. It is hard and it will take a long time to get over him however we do not have any option. These men are liars, cheats and cowards. They are not prizes or special. We all dodged bullets if you ask me. Better things are out there for us all I'm sure of it. 

Sending hugs xo xo xo 

[Lylalou]

@Beca L these love stories we think are unique to us, our soulmate is just the same as any MM a cheat, a liar and con artist.

Beca you are doing so well, don’t be drawn back on to the rollercoaster, it’s not worth it, I have many times before and kick myself when nothing changes, just my dignity yet again.

This too shall pass. Storms never last. We hurt we burn we bloom. Time to write a new story. A few of my quotes that keep me going. 

 

[Beca L]

35 minutes ago, Lylalou said:

@Beca L these love stories we think are unique to us, our soulmate is just the same as any MM a cheat, a liar and con artist.

Beca you are doing so well, don’t be drawn back on to the rollercoaster, it’s not worth it, I have many times before and kick myself when nothing changes, just my dignity yet again.

This too shall pass. Storms never last. We hurt we burn we bloom. Time to write a new story. A few of my quotes that keep me going. 

 

thanks. I agree completely. I always thought my story was unique because he did leave and we were together a year but he went back when I thought we were happy and deeply in love. You don't behave like that if you love someone. Someone wrote on my thread that these MM don't have the capacity for deep love and they don't have a high empathy index. Which is so true. 

We are all so worthy of more love than these men had to offer. I will not be drawn back on to the rollercoaster and I'm moving forward. I hope you can resist the temptation to reply to your MM, please don't. He is just hoping to pull you back because he's lonely and miserable not because he's leaving her to be with you. Take care and keep going. Hugs xo 

[JimmyNorth]

3 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

I’m so sorry to hear this. He’s probably stuck in lockdown going out of his mind like we all are and feeling a bit needy and wanting attention! I love the way he’s thrown his toys out the pram when you haven’t responded! Like you say he’s trying to get you to bite, you have done amazingly staying so strong- don’t give in now.. block and move on and leave him in the dust! It’s him that has missed out on you.

I’ve had so many times over the last couple of days where I’ve wanted to just unblock, say sorry and that I miss him, but then I remember- if he really wanted me- he’s had the last 18 months to do something about it. I just keep saying over and over to myself ‘actions speak louder than words’ and my MM actions were non existent apart from the odd occasional crumbs to keep me from starving. It’s not enough for anyone, it’s also not fair they get to have their cake and eat it. I now am just trying to see MM for what he really is, a cheat, a liar and actually a coward. I am also trying to think of BS and his daughter. Before I came off social media I went onto his Facebook and looked at every single photo of him and BS, I had never done that before and it tore me apart but I could see the love in those pictures, the way they held each other on their wedding day, the way they were looking at each other on a night out and also pictures where they were holding their newborn daughter with pride in their faces. I realised that is THEIR life and I have no place in it and I never will. It is also not my place to tear that apart. I am trying to think of all of these things to keep me strong. Keep us updated and stay strong also! x 

 

Be strong girl! If you see on social media that his BS actually is a loving person and treats him well, then your MM is truly being selfish for his own needs by having this affair. My BS was a straight up b**tch and EVERYONE knew it. It was predictable that I would leave my BS one day. 

Just think of how nice it will be to have a man that spends EVENINGS and WEEKENDS with you. Maybe he will even stay the night or you’ll actually go to his house. Imagine actually spending HOLIDAYS with your man. Imagine not being a SECRET anymore!

Think of all this and maybe it will make NC a little easier. 

[Lurker123]

17 hours ago, Lylalou said:

@Lurker123 everything you say has resonated with me, it’s the same crumbs that I’ve been thrown for years, the promises, the goal posts changing.
Sadly MM won’t be stuck in lockdown as he’s a key worker for the nhs. 

For a long time I felt like I was in competition with his wife, I really feel for their wives as they haven’t had a choice in what has been going on. They are in the dark as to what the men they married who made promises to them have been doing. I realised she isn’t competition Im the one who shouldnt be in their lives, it’s taken a long time over the last 10 months to realise this. Please don’t look at his FB etc it’s punishing you and keeps your mind engaged in the wrong thoughts.

You have come to realise the best way to stop the hurt and negativity in your life. You will have tough days when you think the hurt is harder than staying but you can’t carry on, they aren’t leaving their comfortable lives. If they wanted to be with us they would have made an effort to making that happen but they didnt, they are where they want to be with their family and just want us as an ego boost and extra sex. 
You sound strong so please just take one day at a time. 

Thank you again @Lylalou- today has been a bit easier as I’ve got my children here and I’ve been busy doing all my housework and everything I can think of to take my mind off of him! Tomorrow will be 1 week NC ( I last sent a message in reply last Friday but he messaged me Sunday and then I blocked) which doesn’t seem a lot but it’s a week ahead of where I was so I have to try and look at that positively! I only looked at Facebook to remind myself what he has and how it’s not my place to be involved in that. I’m glad I did as it was a massive wake up call- I’ve never looked through his pictures before, mainly because I haven’t been able to make myself feel that pain. 
 

Have you heard anymore from MM? Hopefully you found the strength to block or he’s now got the hint and decided to leave you alone! 

[Lurker123]

16 hours ago, Beca L said:

Hi Lurker123 

I've been following your thread for a few days and I feel for you and @Lylalou I guess all three of us are in the exact same situation. I'm nearly 19 weeks NC (tomorrow) and believe me it has not been easy but I think it is the best thing for you to do right now Lurker123. You deserve so much better and he really isn't worth it. I'm still heartbroken by what has happened to me but I think the lock down and isolation isn't helping me. As a single mum I'm missing adult conversation and contact. I do spend too much time thinking about XMM. Anyway I hope you are able to remain in NC and try to move on. It is hard and it will take a long time to get over him however we do not have any option. These men are liars, cheats and cowards. They are not prizes or special. We all dodged bullets if you ask me. Better things are out there for us all I'm sure of it. 

Sending hugs xo xo xo 

Hey @Beca L- how are you doing today? I often think of your story actually- it hit me hard reading it. I think it’s even more of a warning that even if MM does leave BS- it’s not always going to be the happy ever after we wish for. You’ve done amazingly being NC for so long. I know you used to work together, so has it been easier not being at work and not having to see him? I understand where you’re coming from on the loneliness front, I’m also a single mum at home with my children- the nights and days they are with their dad are sometimes unbearable and I feel like I’m drowning in the silence! It is a difficult time to walk away from MM because there are not even any other distractions like going out with friends etc. 
 

I can’t remember if it was you that initiated NC with MM or him? Did you completely block him or just mutually agree you wouldnt contact each other anymore? A thought I had today (whilst cleaning my bathroom 😂) was how much easier this would have been if he ended it. I think I would have accepted it and found it easier to move on as the ‘what if’ would have been removed from the equation. I’m trying not to dwell on that too much, as the fear of him ending it is actually what caused me the most anxiety during the whole ‘relationship’. I do feel more in control for walking away. 
 

Trying so hard to stay positive! 

[Lurker123]

14 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

Be strong girl! If you see on social media that his BS actually is a loving person and treats him well, then your MM is truly being selfish for his own needs by having this affair. My BS was a straight up b**tch and EVERYONE knew it. It was predictable that I would leave my BS one day. 

Just think of how nice it will be to have a man that spends EVENINGS and WEEKENDS with you. Maybe he will even stay the night or you’ll actually go to his house. Imagine actually spending HOLIDAYS with your man. Imagine not being a SECRET anymore!

Think of all this and maybe it will make NC a little easier. 

Haha thank you @JimmyNorth! The idea of a relationship where I actually get to wake up with someone in the morning feels alien to me at the moment! It would even be nice to sit down and have dinner and then watch a film with someone- not asking a lot I don’t think 😂

I don’t actually know BS, I don’t even know anyone who knows her really, so I don’t know what she is like and I don’t know what their relationship is like. I mean, he always made out they argued a lot, never had sex, the standard stuff, but I was honestly never under the illusion that they didn’t, lets face it- a wife is going to get  pretty suspicious if her husband refuses sex for 18 months! It was just another thing I tried not to think about. Weirdly it never really bothered me, I was quite good at blocking out all the stuff I knew he would be doing with BS when we were apart, I never felt jealous of her, I just never really thought about her at all, maybe that was my way of being able to carry it on, in not seeing her as a real person, it was easier not to feel guilty. 
 

jimmy- just one last question- if your wife was genuinely a b*tch, I mean really awful and not just the BS that MM tell OW to make them feel better- how come you stayed for so long? I know you said your children are older, but may not have been then- so were they your excuse? I just wondered as MM has always used his daughter as the reason he stays- but was curious as to what reason a MM who doesn’t like his wife and who’s children were old enough not to factor staying, gave to his OW for not leaving? 

[assertives]

If someone doesn't want to leave and wanted to keep things status quo, any reason is as good as the other. Look up lilKatKat's thread. Her MM also used his kids as an excuse, and they are adults like mid or late twenties. IIRC, her MM used excuses like his kid's mental health issues, kids will hate him for leaving their mom, need to settle those issues before he can leave, and then as time goes by, he came up with more and more creative excuses.

I just wanted to say that in life, not every why has a wherefore, and even if you find an answer that is currently satisfactory to you, you'll probably still find yourself digging even deeper for more/different answers some day when you have time on your hands and your mind is wandering. It'll be better to put a stop to it now and choose to accept that some things just have no answers. Otherwise, it's easy to go down the rabbit hole, where you one day decide you feel better now and still wanted answers and then decide to re-establish contact to ask him why. Just accept it as 'it is what it is'.

My fear is that the more you dig answers from posters like Jimmy who did indeed leave his wife, it'll subconsciously give you false hope that maybe just maybe your MM could possibly divorce his wife after all and come looking for you like Jimmy did. You need to kill all hope and move on.

 

Edited May 2, 2020 by assertives

[JimmyNorth]

24 minutes ago, assertives said:

My fear is that the more you dig answers from posters like Jimmy who did indeed leave his wife, it'll subconsciously give you false hope

This is understandable. I know that there are not many successful MM’s here. However, my experience could be useful so Lurker can compare and assess if her MM is likely a person that loves her or not.

At this point it appears she is determining that her MM is not a good bet.

[Lurker123]

48 minutes ago, assertives said:

My fear is that the more you dig answers from posters like Jimmy who did indeed leave his wife, it'll subconsciously give you false hope that maybe just maybe your MM could possibly divorce his wife after all and come looking for you like Jimmy did. You need to kill all hope and move on

Thank you. I guess I’m still at the slightly lost stage at the moment. I KNOW this is the right thing to do and I am trying to let go, I really am, but the unanswered questions and the what ifs do make it difficult. I’m just being honest. I could well sit here and say ‘he’s blocked, I’m moving on, I’m not going to think about him again and I don’t care if we could have had a future together, I’m forgetting him’... but I can’t because none of that is true! 
 

I am certain I will stay strong this time. It feels different for some reason, I have no idea why, but it does. I’m not comparing my situation to Jimmys, his is very different, his circumstances were different,  it it does give me comfort and help me to stay strong when hearing things from MM perspective however. 

[JimmyNorth]

2 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Haha thank you @JimmyNorth! The idea of a relationship where I actually get to wake up with someone in the morning feels alien to me at the moment! It would even be nice to sit down and have dinner and then watch a film with someone- not asking a lot I don’t think 😂

I don’t actually know BS, I don’t even know anyone who knows her really, so I don’t know what she is like and I don’t know what their relationship is like. I mean, he always made out they argued a lot, never had sex, the standard stuff, but I was honestly never under the illusion that they didn’t, lets face it- a wife is going to get  pretty suspicious if her husband refuses sex for 18 months! It was just another thing I tried not to think about. Weirdly it never really bothered me, I was quite good at blocking out all the stuff I knew he would be doing with BS when we were apart, I never felt jealous of her, I just never really thought about her at all, maybe that was my way of being able to carry it on, in not seeing her as a real person, it was easier not to feel guilty. 
 

jimmy- just one last question- if your wife was genuinely a b*tch, I mean really awful and not just the BS that MM tell OW to make them feel better- how come you stayed for so long? I know you said your children are older, but may not have been then- so were they your excuse? I just wondered as MM has always used his daughter as the reason he stays- but was curious as to what reason a MM who doesn’t like his wife and who’s children were old enough not to factor staying, gave to his OW for not leaving? 

For a long time, even before my OW, I’ve always thought about leaving my wife. But honestly, I thought she was the best I can get and just lived with it.

However, that all changed when I met my OW. I remember how I started feeling confused after I started falling for my OW. I continued to live my double life for years. I knew I wanted my OW but in a weird way I was apprehensive about leaving my wife. I knew I would eventually leave my wife as I was very into my OW, but I was just procrastinating.

 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

I KNOW this is the right thing to do and I am trying to let go, I really am, but the unanswered questions and the what ifs do make it difficult. 

It not always ours to know. 

But I would suggest that you’ve had the answer all along, he is married to another woman. Sadly, that’s your answer. The “what if’s” will drive you crazy... The reality of the situation is, he has made his decision and he is exactly where he wants to be. 

Acceptance is a process, and it will take you time to let this go... Still, it’s difficult to drive if you are always looking in the rear view mirror. At some point, you will look forward more than you look back. 

[heartwhole2]

18 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

Be strong girl! If you see on social media that his BS actually is a loving person and treats him well, then your MM is truly being selfish for his own needs by having this affair. My BS was a straight up b**tch and EVERYONE knew it. It was predictable that I would leave my BS one day. 

Just think of how nice it will be to have a man that spends EVENINGS and WEEKENDS with you. Maybe he will even stay the night or you’ll actually go to his house. Imagine actually spending HOLIDAYS with your man. Imagine not being a SECRET anymore!

Think of all this and maybe it will make NC a little easier. 

As this site promotes responsibility within relationships, I'll point out that this is a very slippery slope. I don't think it's useful to OW to suggest that some MM with bitch wives are being selfless by having affairs. This leads to OW thinking, "Oh yes, surely I've got one of the good ones, driven to cheat by his horrid wife." It is always on us to act in a responsible and healthy manner. Passive aggressively lashing out by having an affair is certainly no better than aggressively lashing out by being a "bitch," and one does not justify the other. An unhappily married man always has the option to leave the marriage. An unhappily "affaired" woman always has the option to leave the affair.

I'm not saying you just snap your fingers and it's that easy. Of course it's not. It takes a lot of determination, self-love, self-awareness, and grit. I'm rooting for all of you to make those hard choices and I will cheer you along the way.

[MilaVaneela]

1 hour ago, Lurker123 said:

Thank you. I guess I’m still at the slightly lost stage at the moment. I KNOW this is the right thing to do and I am trying to let go, I really am, but the unanswered questions and the what ifs do make it difficult. I’m just being honest. I could well sit here and say ‘he’s blocked, I’m moving on, I’m not going to think about him again and I don’t care if we could have had a future together, I’m forgetting him’... but I can’t because none of that is true! 

This is completely understandable. 
 

The uncertainty of “what if” and “what about” can drive one absolutely crazy. “Hopium” is a hell of a drug, for sure. I know I stayed with my xH for far longer than was healthy because I hoped and dwelled on the what/ifs (“what if he decides to get serious about his therapy/stops abusing me/ends his thing with the OW/whatever”). 
 

Something my dad once said stuck with me, though. He said “people get hung up on if this and if that, but... if my dog had hooves he’d be a horse.” He’s right too, that the what-ifs we obsess over aren’t super likely to happen most of the time. 

 

14 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

Passive aggressively lashing out by having an affair is certainly no better than aggressively lashing out by being a "bitch," and one does not justify the other.

Passive aggression is still aggression and I’d venture that it’s just as bitchy. 😂

 

[MilaVaneela]

Sorry WiFi hiccuped

Edited May 2, 2020 by MilaVaneela
Delete double post

[Beca L]

4 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Hey @Beca L- how are you doing today? I often think of your story actually- it hit me hard reading it. I think it’s even more of a warning that even if MM does leave BS- it’s not always going to be the happy ever after we wish for. You’ve done amazingly being NC for so long. I know you used to work together, so has it been easier not being at work and not having to see him? I understand where you’re coming from on the loneliness front, I’m also a single mum at home with my children- the nights and days they are with their dad are sometimes unbearable and I feel like I’m drowning in the silence! It is a difficult time to walk away from MM because there are not even any other distractions like going out with friends etc. 

Hi, 

I’m doing ok today, I’ve been in the garden most of the afternoon, weeding and cutting the grass so I’m feeling good that I’ve actually accomplished something !!! Xmm and I parted on bad terms, he let me down again just before Xmas, promising me things and then backtracking. All his boys were coming home for Xmas for the first time in 4 years and I realised I wasn’t important and he was just using me again. We had a heated discussion on the phone where I threatened to tell BS everything and it ended with him saying he needed to get something to eat and that was that. We’ve not spoken since. I ignore him at school and never look in his direction if I see him. It’s just terrible but I’m trying to appear indifferent even though sometimes it’s heartbreaking. I am determined to move on with my life and try to forget him. He has treated me terribly and he isn’t the person I fell in love with anymore. I reread my thread this morning and it helped greatly. I’ve been given some great advice on here and I’m trying my best to follow it. Yes, since lock down I’ve not seen him, so it’s been over 7 weeks. Longest ever actually. I’m working in a school next week for a few hours looking after key worker kids so I’m glad I can be of use and it will help take my mind off xmm. 
I know we can get through this, it’s a mindset. The situation in the world atm is not helping but it will not be forever and things will get back to a sort of normality in the coming months and I realise this is the hardest time so If we can get through this time we can get through anything. I watched ‘Soul surfer’ the other day with the kids about Bethany Hamilton, do you know her ? She had her arm bitten off by a tiger shark yet she managed to learn to surf again with only one arm and went on to compete and win surf competitions. People like that are so inspiring and it’s all in the head, like Bailey says you have to keep saying you can do it and you will get through it !!! We both deserve so much better than what these men were willing to offer. Hugs xo xo 

[Allupinnit]

Maybe he did feel infatuation but for me, truly loving someone is an act of selflessness even when you don't feel like it.  We all don't feel "in love" with our spouses all of the time.  Sometimes I don't even LIKE my H LOL.  But when we put one another first and race to the back of the line for each other we have little to be at odds about, and our relationship blossoms again.  It's definitely not as easy as blaming the other partner and looking outside the marriage for what we "think" is missing, but marriage is supposed to be worth fighting for.  

 

 

[Lylalou]

@Lurker123 no haven’t heard from him today, maybe he has deleted my no, but that’s fine, I haven’t broken no contact, I’m still on track to getting over MM. 

As for your questions about answers, what you have to remember is that they are accomplished liars, so even if you got answers would you believe them, I remember MM telling me a huge lie, he said he was home all weekend but I saw photos of him at a wedding in Scotland with his wife and daughter, swore he wasn’t away, and wouldn’t admit to being away to the day he died as he wasn’t away, that I should prove it. You see they tell you what they think you want to hear regardless of it being a lie, lies come easy to them. 
 

quote:- if their lips are moving they are lying

stay strong

[RebeccaR]

It might help to realize that some situations are too complex to overcome. I remember reading that Beca’s kids didn’t really like xMM and he wasn’t eager to raise younger kids. Even if they are perfect soulmates, some lives won’t intersect well. Same with Lurker: if she had met xMM before his marriage/baby, things might have been different. Now there is baggage (not that a baby is unwelcome baggage, but you know what I mean).