So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[Lurker123]

12 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

Don't worry. You'll soon be distracted by a hot SINGLE HUNK that will adore you once you get a chance to get out there.

Haha thank you Jimmy- that would be really great if only that were true! Unfortunately from experience, there doesn’t seem to be many hot single hunks left in the world looking for a divorced mother of two in her thirties... one can only hope hey?! 😂😂

[mark clemson]

Probably true, BUT you might find something decent, e.g. a divorced  family man type who likes being a Dad, has kids of his own and would be happy to "join forces" etc. You'd probably need to be careful if he's a BS, in case he has residual emotional issues around that. (And in fact this whole OW thing will be a risk regardless, but IMO you'll need to own up to it if things get serious. I think you could reasonably expect a bit of "trust but verify" from anyone, so suggest you don't let it get to you. )

Edited May 9, 2020 by mark clemson
typo

[Lurker123]

Hey, hope everyone is ok and keeping well! I’ve been reading through the threads and keeping up with everyone, hoping to comment more soon, but probably not in the best place to give advice right now. 
 

Tomorrow is officially 3 weeks since things ended. The longest break I have ever had from him. He’s blocked but he did send an email early hours of last Friday morning (I can’t block him from my work emails) saying he missed me, I’ve put it down to him drinking. He then sent another message the following morning saying sorry for contacting me especially after I asked him not to but he was in a bad head space. I sent a brief response saying it was tough for us both and things would be easier in a couple of weeks but the hardest part is done and we need to move on. Since then I have heard nothing, which I am grateful for, but it is still tough. I do feel like I won’t hear anymore now and although it is a relief, I was also surprised today to wake up feeling really angry. I’ve had loads of emotions the last 3 weeks including sadness, relief and pain., I’ve cried, but I’ve also had days where I felt good. Today I’ve just felt anger towards him. I feel like he has just walked away scott free, no one is none the wiser and he can just continue with his perfect life. I am now facing having to sell my house and downsize as well as my car. None of this is of course his fault,  but this is all a consequence of the affair and today I am just blaming him for it all! Is this a normal emotion? I’m not saying I will do anything stupid like contact him or BS, but I almost feel like I could!! 😂  I know the lack of distraction is making everything seem worse at the moment and I kept telling myself that to keep myself sane. 

[BaileyB]

I am proud of you. Don’t waver. You are doing the right thing, for you. It may not feel like it all the time, but it is... definitely the right thing for you. 

[Allupinnit]

@Lurker123 ugh - of course he did.  I wondered if there was a loophole for him to contact you, guess there is.  You really need to get a new job - I don't think you're going to move on until you do.

Do you think you would have tried harder to heal your marriage if MM wasn't in the picture?  I get the sense you wouldn't have made such drastic moves unless you really saw MM leaving his wife and family as a real possibility.  Hence why you feel like you got the raw end of the deal.  I'd tell his wife.  He disrespected your request for NC - what a selfish A-hole.  

I feel like that happens a lot - women are more quick to leave an unhappy marriage than men are, statistically.  

 

[Lurker123]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I am proud of you. Don’t waver. You are doing the right thing, for you. It may not feel like it all the time, but it is... definitely the right thing for you. 

Thank you. That really means a lot. I know it’s the right thing to do- and it feels different this time. Weird, but different. I honestly don’t think I could have done this/continue to do this, without the support from the people in this forum. I truly mean that. 

[Lurker123]

53 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@Lurker123 ugh - of course he did.  I wondered if there was a loophole for him to contact you, guess there is.  You really need to get a new job - I don't think you're going to move on until you do.

Do you think you would have tried harder to heal your marriage if MM wasn't in the picture?  I get the sense you wouldn't have made such drastic moves unless you really saw MM leaving his wife and family as a real possibility.  Hence why you feel like you got the raw end of the deal.  I'd tell his wife.  He disrespected your request for NC - what a selfish A-hole.  

I feel like that happens a lot - women are more quick to leave an unhappy marriage than men are, statistically.  

 

I have been thinking about a job change, but due to the current climate- now is not really the right time to leave a stable job. I hope to be able to in maybe 6 months though. I do genuinely think I won’t hear from him again. 
 

You are right. My marriage wasn’t perfect. It was anything but. My ex H is a good man though. If I hadn’t been in the fog of the affair I think I would have tried harder at the marriage. After we ended it we did have a brief period where I ended things with MM and really wanted to try again with H, but MM came back on the scene and I realised it wasn’t right and gave up on trying again. I’ve nearly told him about the A so many times, but my counsellor told me that unless we are planning on getting back together,  there is no reason for me to. He said it would only cause hurt and pain for no real gain. 
 

When I left ex H, it was only 2 months in to the A. It was more about the guilt and shame I felt at that point that actually thinking MM would do the same. I can’t pretend it wasn’t what I hoped for at the time though and obviously even more so as time passed. I remember when I told him that I had ended things with H. His reaction was very unsurprised, unsympathetic and I felt he almost brushed over it. I can see why now. It’s strange as how the fog clears you start to see things more clearly. I hope this continues. 

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi Lurker...

What you are feeling is normal...or at least I know I have those feelings still if I am having an off day, especially if I am struggling with something (and I am at 4 months of NC).   I start thinking of how easy he has it and start picturing his perfect life (no money worries, great job, great family life, great friends, amazing house) and envy that he doesn't have to struggle with the break-up either (even though my IC tells me all the time that I have no idea what he is going through....she believes that he is feeling this too, and if by chance he is not, I should be really mad because then it wasn't real).   I know it is crazy to go there, and I don't stay there long, but the thoughts do cross my mind.   And I want to slap myself because I have a lot to be thankful for (good job, amazing kids, a loving family, supportive friends, independent).   So I think what it boils down to is that he has someone to share that with and I don't.   I think that is what throws us off in these crazy times.   

The waves of emotions you are feeling (vacillating between sadness, love, anger...you name it), will keep coming, but you will get longer breaks in between.   I love the stories on here that have positive outcomes...you know the ones where they get back on their feet, meet someone wonderful and wonder what they ever saw in the xMM.  But then of course, I get discouraged by the stories where people are still paralyzed after a year of being NC.  

Hang in there...  I know how very hard it is to let go and it takes much longer than any of us would like.  And even though you don't feel it, each day, you get a tiny bit stronger.   I look forward to a day where I wake up and he no longer haunts me.   Keep posting...we will be here!

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

   I start thinking of how easy he has it and start picturing his perfect life (no money worries, great job, great family life, great friends, amazing house) ...

And just to note - in reality no one's life is perfect, no matter how they may look from the outside. Something to keep in mind.

[Lurker123]

1 hour ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

Hi Lurker...

What you are feeling is normal...or at least I know I have those feelings still if I am having an off day, especially if I am struggling with something (and I am at 4 months of NC).   I start thinking of how easy he has it and start picturing his perfect life (no money worries, great job, great family life, great friends, amazing house) and envy that he doesn't have to struggle with the break-up either (even though my IC tells me all the time that I have no idea what he is going through....she believes that he is feeling this too, and if by chance he is not, I should be really mad because then it wasn't real).   I know it is crazy to go there, and I don't stay there long, but the thoughts do cross my mind.   And I want to slap myself because I have a lot to be thankful for (good job, amazing kids, a loving family, supportive friends, independent).   So I think what it boils down to is that he has someone to share that with and I don't.   I think that is what throws us off in these crazy times.   

The waves of emotions you are feeling (vacillating between sadness, love, anger...you name it), will keep coming, but you will get longer breaks in between.   I love the stories on here that have positive outcomes...you know the ones where they get back on their feet, meet someone wonderful and wonder what they ever saw in the xMM.  But then of course, I get discouraged by the stories where people are still paralyzed after a year of being NC.  

Hang in there...  I know how very hard it is to let go and it takes much longer than any of us would like.  And even though you don't feel it, each day, you get a tiny bit stronger.   I look forward to a day where I wake up and he no longer haunts me.   Keep posting...we will be here!

It’s amazing that you are now at 4 months NC. Well done you. I think your IC is right. I’m sure they have moments were they feel sadness too, but one thing I always said to my MM was the only person who had the power to make ‘us’ happen was him. If he really wanted it I was there. Turns out I had the power to walk away, something he never had them balls to do for either of his ‘lives’. The difference is that they have the distraction of their everyday life. They were out all, we were mostly a sideline and a distraction, so I do honestly believe that healing for them must be easier. I’m sure you’re the same as me- when you’re distracted you won’t think about him so much, whereas when you are sat by yourself of an evening, get into bed alone or sit and eat your dinner by yourself- that’s when your thoughts tend to wander and obviously we have a lot more of that ‘alone’ time than they do. My biggest hurt is that I must have been so ‘forgettable’ and that what I felt was solely exclusive to me, meaning the past 18 months of my life were in fact wasted. I try to remember that I have learnt something from this experience however hurtful that is right now and I’m also trying to believe and trust in the knowledge that I do think everything happens for a reason. 
 

Thank you for your words of support. I’m really am glad to hear that you have been NC for so long now and hope that soon you will start to feel that strength you mention above! I do think once this crazy world starts to get back to normal it will be a great opportunity for us to make the most of life and catch up on all those opportunities we missed out on whilst we were distracted by MM. We deserve more than what they were offering us and there is someone out there who deserves what we have to give, whether that be in a few weeks, months or even years time, I do believe it will happen. 

[Lurker123]

25 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

And just to note - in reality no one's life is perfect, no matter how they may look from the outside. Something to keep in mind.

I agree. I guess sometimes it’s hard to see past that delusion In your mind though, when you are hurting and feel scalded from a situation that is still raw. I think a lot of OW feel ‘rejected’ when the A ends and we almost have to justify WHY it ended- and what better reason than to resume business as normal in their ‘perfect life’.
 

I tend to think that if MM’s life was actually SO perfect, there would have been no need for him to look elsewhere for a source of satisfaction. I don’t know what he got from me that he didn’t get in his marriage, I could guess at a number of things besides sex alone, but it would seem something was missing for what happened between us to take place. 

[MilaVaneela]

29 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

I tend to think that if MM’s life was actually SO perfect, there would have been no need for him to look elsewhere for a source of satisfaction. I don’t know what he got from me that he didn’t get in his marriage, I could guess at a number of things besides sex alone, but it would seem something was missing for what happened between us to take place. 

Lurker, first of all, I’m so happy that you’re hanging in there and putting YOU first. (Enthusiastic applause here) just wanted you to know that 😁

As to the part of the post I quoted and bolded, there very well could have been something missing... but in the MM himself, something was missing for him to be able to 1) go behind his wife’s back while leading her to believe nothing was wrong and 2) actively keep you on the hook for as long as he did.  Consciously or not, he has been manipulating both you and his wife for as long as this has been going on. Either way, if he can’t or won’t fix his marriage or leave instead of keeping two women on the string, there’s something lacking in HIM. 
 

Good for you for having the guts to step away. 

[RebeccaR]

Of course “something” was missing because no one’s spouse can be everything. There are frustrations and problems in every marriage, but I believe there’s a certain degree of selfishness and entitlement when a man or woman who basically wants to stay married chooses to “cake eat”.

[pepperbird]

5 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Hey, hope everyone is ok and keeping well! I’ve been reading through the threads and keeping up with everyone, hoping to comment more soon, but probably not in the best place to give advice right now. 
 

Tomorrow is officially 3 weeks since things ended. The longest break I have ever had from him. He’s blocked but he did send an email early hours of last Friday morning (I can’t block him from my work emails) saying he missed me, I’ve put it down to him drinking. He then sent another message the following morning saying sorry for contacting me especially after I asked him not to but he was in a bad head space. I sent a brief response saying it was tough for us both and things would be easier in a couple of weeks but the hardest part is done and we need to move on. Since then I have heard nothing, which I am grateful for, but it is still tough. I do feel like I won’t hear anymore now and although it is a relief, I was also surprised today to wake up feeling really angry. I’ve had loads of emotions the last 3 weeks including sadness, relief and pain., I’ve cried, but I’ve also had days where I felt good. Today I’ve just felt anger towards him. I feel like he has just walked away scott free, no one is none the wiser and he can just continue with his perfect life. I am now facing having to sell my house and downsize as well as my car. None of this is of course his fault,  but this is all a consequence of the affair and today I am just blaming him for it all! Is this a normal emotion? I’m not saying I will do anything stupid like contact him or BS, but I almost feel like I could!! 😂  I know the lack of distraction is making everything seem worse at the moment and I kept telling myself that to keep myself sane. 

Lurker,
This is just my humble opinion, but your anger is normal. I would say it's even healthy. So long as you work through it and don;t get bogged down, it can actually be a good sign that you;re detaching from him and starting to put yourself and your feelings before his.

Given all the introspection you're doing, I have a very strong feeling you are going to come out of all this a stronger and more confident person. You'll have learned a lot about you and also that you can 100 percent stand on your own without that dead weight jackass MM dragging you down.

[notmyfinestmoment]

I think it is also normal to have thoughts of being "forgettable".  I think I may have just asked one of my friends that last week (was I that forgettable?).    But, as the counselor said, that is letting emotions do your thinking.   I'm sure you have plenty of anger at yourself for getting involved in the first place....I know I do.   I have to think eventually, you forgive yourself...and forgive him and are able to move on.   Not all MM are the same....there are all kinds of affairs and reasons for them.   But the truth is, marriages are not easy to walk away from...we both know that because we are divorced.   I think that is why I have some empathy when it comes to why xMM could not follow through as much as he thought he could.   

Something that helps me from time to time (depending on what kind of day I am having 🙂 ) is to think of what a mess it would have been had he left.  It wouldn't have started off as normal relationships do....it would have been a complete mess and filled with more than enough heartache to go around.    It doesn't stop the missing them though, does it?   A few lines to reflect on from the movie Eat, Pray, Love....

Liz Gilbert: I thought I was over him, but I love him.
Richard from Texas: Big deal. So you fell in love with someone.
Liz: But I miss him.
Richard: So miss him. Send him some light and love every time you think of him, then drop it. You know, if you could clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using to obsess over this guy and your failed marriage, you’d have a vacuum with a doorway. And you know what the universe would do with that doorway? Rush in. God would rush in. Fill you with more love than you ever dreamed of.    

And in a different scene:

Liz: “And worst of all, I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”

Richard:  “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”

Liz: “I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”

Richard :“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”

[Beca L]

37 minutes ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

Something that helps me from time to time (depending on what kind of day I am having 🙂 ) is to think of what a mess it would have been had he left.  It wouldn't have started off as normal relationships do....it would have been a complete mess and filled with more than enough heartache to go around. 

I can vouch for that, I experienced all that and it is true. It was a terrible mess and xMM did not handle things very well at all. What started off bad just escalated in to something a lot worse. I'm not referring to him and I but everybody else. There was terrible heartache for his family and I think that was something he completely underestimated however if it had been handled better there may have been a very different outcome. You are doing so well Lurker123 just keep going, I'm sure we will all be better for it we just can't see it now. xo xo 

[Beca L]

9 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

My biggest hurt is that I must have been so ‘forgettable’ and that what I felt was solely exclusive to me, meaning the past 18 months of my life were in fact wasted.

This made me feel so sad because I know exactly how you feel. My mind is constantly playing tricks on me and I too have these same thoughts. How could I have had all these strong feelings about him and now I think did he really feel the same way for me ? If he did, how could he have gone back ? 
But as people have mentioned on my thread some of these MM do not have the capacity for deep love because you don’t hurt the people that you love if you can help it ! 
Here are some other good quotes from my thread: 

‘he lies, he manipulates. He is the manipulator. Be happy the trash took himself out!’

’He is where he wants to be period’

’judge people by the actions not words’ 

‘you are worthy of more love than this man could offer’ 

Finally this is a great quote I found on another site which I read a lot :

’ Anyine who lacks the courage to do the right thing and thinks that what he/she doesn’t know won’t hurt them - should be avoided like the plague because selfishness -as Jane Austin said - is the one flaw for which there is no cure !

We are here with you and you are not alone Lurker123. You got this. Xo xo 

[JimmyNorth]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

judge people by the actions not words

Well said Beca. This MM most likely is not capable of real love. Any man, MM or not, that’s really in love with a woman would not have the capability to ‘forget’ his lover.

Its sad Lurker is going through this.

[elaine567]

Are you really "forgettable", or did you just take on a challenge that was never really "winnable"?

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

This MM most likely is not capable of real love. Any man, MM or not, that’s really in love with a woman would not have the capability to ‘forget’ his lover.

Just because he did not “choose” lurker does not mean that he is not capable of real love. After all, he is married to another woman - there is nothing saying that he doesn’t love his wife. This is his primary relationship, his primary obligation is to his wife.

I would suggest that cheating is not a loving or respectful thing to do to the woman. But, just because things didn’t work out for the MM and OW doesn’t mean that he’s not capable of real love or even that he has easily “forgotten” his lover.

From where I sit, respecting her wishes when she told him that she wants this affair to end and not contacting her again is kind of an expression of love. Someone who didn’t have feelings and respect the other woman would continue to contact that person, selfishly pushing their own agenda even when it’s not in the other’s best interest. 

Edited May 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Someone Who didn’t have feelings and respect the other woman would continue to contact that person, selfishly pushing their own agenda even when it’s not in the other’s best interest

He didn't' send an email at 9 in the morning outlining a legitimate plan as to how he was going to leave his wife and get a divorce...
NO, he sent an email in the early hours, no doubt from the safe confines of the toilet or the corridor or the study... saying he missed her...
Hoping I guess to trigger "feelings" which would give him an "in".

[BaileyB]

But people are human, and I think it’s hard to let go. It was a moment of weakness, he did send an apology for breaking no contact. Assuming it doesn’t happen again, I would like to think that he’s respecting her wishes... but time will tell.

That, to me, would be the most loving thing he could do for lurker at this time...

And my main point being, let’s not assume that he doesn’t know how to love because he didn’t chose his OW. I totally agree with your comment Elaine, it’s not so much that she is forgettable as much as she picked a man who was not available to love her the way she wanted to be loved... She has asked him to leave her be, let’s hope he honours that request.

Edited May 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[Lurker123]

16 hours ago, MilaVaneela said:

Lurker, first of all, I’m so happy that you’re hanging in there and putting YOU first. (Enthusiastic applause here) just wanted you to know that 😁

As to the part of the post I quoted and bolded, there very well could have been something missing... but in the MM himself, something was missing for him to be able to 1) go behind his wife’s back while leading her to believe nothing was wrong and 2) actively keep you on the hook for as long as he did.  Consciously or not, he has been manipulating both you and his wife for as long as this has been going on. Either way, if he can’t or won’t fix his marriage or leave instead of keeping two women on the string, there’s something lacking in HIM. 
 

Good for you for having the guts to step away. 

Thank you so much! Reading these comments definitely gives me strength, 100%.

i completely agree with your analysis. I think yes, the problem is definitely him. His BS from what I can gather seems perfectly nice and normal (although he has often said otherwise), so there appears not reason why it would not be a successful marriage if it wasn’t for him straying. Of course, I don’t pretend to know what goes on in their marriage and I don’t really want to know if I’m honest. That’s between them. 
 

I am glad to walk away for this and move on- or at least try to! 

[Lurker123]

16 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Lurker,
This is just my humble opinion, but your anger is normal. I would say it's even healthy. So long as you work through it and don;t get bogged down, it can actually be a good sign that you;re detaching from him and starting to put yourself and your feelings before his.

Given all the introspection you're doing, I have a very strong feeling you are going to come out of all this a stronger and more confident person. You'll have learned a lot about you and also that you can 100 percent stand on your own without that dead weight jackass MM dragging you down.

Thank you Pepperbird!  The last part of your comment did make me laugh out loud! It’s true that is all he is in reality. Thinking of him in that light definitely helps.

The anger has eased today- probably because I’ve been so busy with work! I am glad to hear that it may be a normal reaction. I remember another thing my IC said to me- that getting over a relationship was a bit like grieving (obviously I’m not comparing this to a death- but the healing process is similar) I need to read up on it again but I do think he told me one of the stages was anger- so perhaps slowly but surely I am getting there! 

[Lurker123]

16 hours ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

I think it is also normal to have thoughts of being "forgettable".  I think I may have just asked one of my friends that last week (was I that forgettable?).    But, as the counselor said, that is letting emotions do your thinking.   I'm sure you have plenty of anger at yourself for getting involved in the first place....I know I do.   I have to think eventually, you forgive yourself...and forgive him and are able to move on.   Not all MM are the same....there are all kinds of affairs and reasons for them.   But the truth is, marriages are not easy to walk away from...we both know that because we are divorced.   I think that is why I have some empathy when it comes to why xMM could not follow through as much as he thought he could.   

Something that helps me from time to time (depending on what kind of day I am having 🙂 ) is to think of what a mess it would have been had he left.  It wouldn't have started off as normal relationships do....it would have been a complete mess and filled with more than enough heartache to go around.    It doesn't stop the missing them though, does it?   A few lines to reflect on from the movie Eat, Pray, Love....

Liz Gilbert: I thought I was over him, but I love him.
Richard from Texas: Big deal. So you fell in love with someone.
Liz: But I miss him.
Richard: So miss him. Send him some light and love every time you think of him, then drop it. You know, if you could clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using to obsess over this guy and your failed marriage, you’d have a vacuum with a doorway. And you know what the universe would do with that doorway? Rush in. God would rush in. Fill you with more love than you ever dreamed of.    

And in a different scene:

Liz: “And worst of all, I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”

Richard:  “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”

Liz: “I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”

Richard :“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”

I love these quotes thank you!
 

I definitely agree that if for whatever reason he had left- it wouldn’t be plain sailing. I often think of @Beca L and how her MM left and how things still unfortunately have not worked out as she hoped they would. That is the next step, and I can’t even imagine how gut wrenching it must be to feel that everything has fallen into place and to then have it snatched away again. 
 

The feeling ‘unforgettable’ is inevitable on down days I think. It’s not so much that, as feeling worthless and that so much time has been wasted. I have plenty of days where I wonder what I would be doing right now if MM had never come into my life, but I try not to dwell on it too much as I think that pulls you down also. 
 

We are all just getting through this the best we can and going from day to day to try and move on with our lives and hope to wake up one day not thinking of him.