So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

What a complete and utter spineless **** 

Agree. As my mother used to say, “when you play, you pay...“

[Amethyst68]

Why would your job be in danger? Do you work in an industry that still has a morality clause in their contract of employment. Where I live there are very few that do and those that do tend to be organisations like the military or the police.

Or is it that you work with him and are scared the BW may report you to your employer. The thing is while it's a possibility she can't to that without outing him as well. Rationally how likely is it that she's going to do anything to penalise her own standard of living and being able to take care of her child.

[Lurker123]

4 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Why would your job be in danger? Do you work in an industry that still has a morality clause in their contract of employment. Where I live there are very few that do and those that do tend to be organisations like the military or the police.

Or is it that you work with him and are scared the BW may report you to your employer. The thing is while it's a possibility she can't to that without outing him as well. Rationally how likely is it that she's going to do anything to penalise her own standard of living and being able to take care of her child.

It’s nothing contractual. He owns a company and that company is my company’s client. My concern is that if his wife says he has no further involvement with me, including work, then he would likely take his business elsewhere to keep her happy and show he has cut all ties. It would be a massive loss to the company I work at. My boss knows a lots of people in the same circle as his wife and would have no problems finding out why he had taken his business elsewhere. It would only take for BS to say that someone had been messaging her husband inappropriately and chasing him (I have evidence to prove this is not true) and he, being the ‘upstanding citizen and model husband’ he will of course convinced her by now he is, didn’t want to get involved with such a person, so took work elsewhere. I can literally see if playing out! Again, another risk I took when getting involved in this. And yet another thing he walks away from unscathed whilst I am left potentially with no job! Not looking for sympathy- just looking for advice and again hopefully giving a warning as to just what the consequences can be of getting involved with a MM. 

[Amethyst68]

I would try and relax. Yes some BS go scorched earth about the affair but I suspect it's less than you think, especially if they decide to reconcile. If they want to try and stay in the marriage they don't really want any outside judgment.

Then there's the financial side that holds true for R or D, she's not going to do anything that impacts her daughter financially.

I suspect your right and she'll probably make him move agency/contractor but I doubt she'll ever tell him the real reason. If she does and you're fired then keep your proof for a wrongful dismissal lawsuit. Unless of course there is a clause in your contract forbidding relationships with clients.

[RebeccaR]

Lurker, this man is the lowest of the low. He cheated with you while his wife was pregnant and continued after the baby was born, that’s pretty awful. But the way he continued cajoling you after you ended it for real is also awful. (No doubt the “work issue” that caused you to unblock your WhatsApp was a made up or exaggerated crisis). Even if I felt a pull to this man, these last events would be enough to wash my hands forever. I’m usually not a fan of telling the BS everything, but in this case I would be tempted. Also I would consider getting out in front of this with your employer before he goes to your boss with a bunch of lies - I understand that’s risky and you might not want to, but at least you could do it on your terms. The good news is I am sure you never want to see or speak to him again.

Edited August 1, 2020 by RebeccaR
Typo

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

Just curious, do you notice that the less initiation you make, the more he tried? Ive read alot of these posts and although I am not in this situation, it does somewhat interest me to know if men do that.

They only do it if they are somewhat involved or need something from you, if they don't care they don't care what you do. 
Trying to get an uninterested guy's attention by pulling back is not usually fruitful.

In an affair, the MM usually is involved or needs the sex/attention, hence he may respond to the OW pulling back as he doesn't want to lose her.
Cultivating an OW can be difficult so once he gets one interested he does not want her walking away.
In general dating, uninterested guys just  go out and find someone else.

[Lurker123]

2 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

Lurker, this man is the lowest of the low. He cheated with you while his wife was pregnant and continued after the baby was born, that’s pretty awful. But the way he continued cajoling you after you ended it for real is also awful. (No doubt the “work issue” that caused you to unblock your WhatsApp was a made up or exaggerated crisis). Even if I felt a pull to this man, these last events would be enough to wash my hands forever. I’m usually not a fan of telling the BS everything, but in this case I would be tempted. Also I would consider getting out in front of this with your employer before he goes to your boss with a bunch of lies - I understand that’s risky and you might not want to, but at least you could do it on your terms. The good news is I am sure you never want to see or speak to him again.

Thanks Rebecca. Yes he really is awful. I can’t believe I have wasted so much of my life on this excuse for a man! Today it continued... had a missed called from a number- he then sent me message after message (on iMessage- forgot to block him on that as he’s never used it as contact before!) saying I needed to unblock him on the app we spoke on and what I needed to say word for word in a message so he could show his wife as ‘evidence’ we had ended our messaging last year- and if I did this then he would leave me alone. At the end of each message he again added ‘DONT REPLY TO THIS’ At one point he even said ‘at least if you don’t do this for me do it for my daughter’. Needless to say I was out for lunch with my sister and by the time I looked at my phone and saw the 10 messages- I simply replied ‘leave me alone’ and blocked instantly. He is now blocked from everything I can think of and will be unable to call me/message me on anything. 
 

As much as I hate to say it and don’t at all want to cover his arse, I am only human and it did cross my mind that if it keeps his family together for the sake of his daughter should I just comply? Then I realise I am just weaving myself more into his lies and manipulation and this is my last stand of not being completely walked all over by him. I am still worrying about the repercussions work wise and socially, but I guess that will be for me to deal with if and when it happens. 

[BaileyB]

He made his choice, he will now live with the consequences. I don’t have any sympathy for him.

And, while it is sad that his daughter will be affected by the fallout (assuming that what he is telling you is the truth).... using his daughter as a reason to manipulate you into helping him to cover-up his bad behavior is just wrong on so many levels...

Edited August 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[Hedgehog73]

Don’t lie for him. If his bw somehow manages to contact you then feel free to be honest (if you want to talk to her at all) you don’t owe either of them anything. Leave him to his mess: what a selfish ass. His message to you was full of love and missing now that he’s caught he wants you to lie and then says he will leave you alone. He is a disaster. 
 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Hedgehog73 said:

His message to you was full of love and missing now that he’s caught he wants you to lie and then says he will leave you alone. 

Indeed, it’s quite a turn around. It’s not even that he’s thrown you under the bus, he expects you to sacrifice yourself by talking to his wife to assure her that it is over. You are under no obligation to save him, especially because it puts you at risk. If I was going to talk with his wife, it would be to offer an apology and that’s all.

[Lurker123]

49 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He made his choice, he will now live with the consequences. I don’t have any sympathy for him.

And, while it is sad that his daughter will be affected by the fallout (assuming that what he is telling you is the truth).... using his daughter as a reason to manipulate you into helping him to cover-up his bad behavior is just wrong on so many levels...

I think it’s just human nature to feel guilt when there is a child involved, but as so many people have told me on here in the past- his excuse of that being the only reason he stays with BW is completely flawed, because of course she wouldn’t be able to take his daughter away from him completely and not only that, from what he tells me they seem to have no issue continuously arguing In front of her which in my opinion is so much worse than having parents which are separated and civil 😕 (speaking from a personal childhood experience) 

[Lurker123]

35 minutes ago, Hedgehog73 said:

Don’t lie for him. If his bw somehow manages to contact you then feel free to be honest (if you want to talk to her at all) you don’t owe either of them anything. Leave him to his mess: what a selfish ass. His message to you was full of love and missing now that he’s caught he wants you to lie and then says he will leave you alone. He is a disaster. 
 

I won’t lie for him. I thought about it for maybe 2 minutes and then realised it would just be another mistake that I would make. I don’t want to speak to him or his wife, I really don’t.  I feel if anyone needs to tell her the truth, it is him, I really don’t think it’s my place. I’m sure by now he’s manipulated her with some story and it will be me who is the only bad guy. It’s a price I have to pay though for getting involved with a married man. I am not blameless, I just don’t want to take full responsibility for what was also HIS actions. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

It’s not even that he’s thrown you under the bus, he expects you to sacrifice yourself by talking to his wife to assure her that it is over.

Exactly

Lurker
He wants you to throw yourself under the bus to save his sorry ass.... 

[Lurker123]

I had one final message to my work email last night. It basically was saying he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t tell his wife what he had told me to, as ‘ironically’ that would have allowed her to rest and in turn for him to finally leave me alone. He begged of me not to say anything else- other than we had messaged- if I was ever asked by ANYONE. He said if not for him for the sake of his child as I could have yesterday ended the warzone the daughter was in but I ‘choose not to’ by not doing as he asked (ie lying to his wife). 
 

I think seeing how disgusting he has acted and how cowardly, I finally decided this was time for me to be a better person. I called up my ex husband and told him everything, about me seeing MM for a few weeks at the end of our marriage, how I had carried on the affair after, and what had happened over the last few days. He was obviously massively shocked and hurt, but I wanted to be honest with him and was also worried he could find out another way (ie BW) and knew that would hurt him more. 
 

I am also preparing to tell my boss the story on Monday. I feel I have to clarify the situation and can show her the emails to my work account if necessary. I just need to make her aware of any potential fallout. 
 

it has been a crazy couple of days, but I now have nothing to hide from the people that I care about and can move forward with my life as best I can without this hanging over me. I am still in 2 minds as to whether I would tell BW the extent of the affair if she ever contacted me again and asked, or whether I would just refer her back to her husband to either swallow more of his lies or maybe get the truth. Either way I can’t concern myself with that anymore and how they choose to move forward from here is down to them. 
 

As always, thanks again to everyone for your advice. 

[Hedgehog73]

This guy is too much. What a complete dick!!! I mean he’s caught and he continues to try and hurt everyone to try and save his own ass and then to use his daughter as an excuse!. He doesn’t love anyone but himself that’s apparent. I am sorry though as I am sure this still hurts a lot. 

You did the right thing . You will deal with the fallout and heal and move forward. He, on the other hand, will keep being a slimy f***boy. 

[Lurker123]

25 minutes ago, Hedgehog73 said:

This guy is too much. What a complete dick!!! I mean he’s caught and he continues to try and hurt everyone to try and save his own ass and then to use his daughter as an excuse!. He doesn’t love anyone but himself that’s apparent. I am sorry though as I am sure this still hurts a lot. 

You did the right thing . You will deal with the fallout and heal and move forward. He, on the other hand, will keep being a slimy f***boy. 

Thanks Hedgehog. Yes the true colours have really shown these last two days that’s for sure. Weirdly I feel lighter for seeing them. Almost like a revelation I guess? Any compassion or care I still had toward him, is now truly gone, it’s a very odd feeling and a difficult one to explain. It’s like I suddenly see him differently. I’m sure there will still be times when this catches up with me and I will feel sad about it and miss the person I thought he was.

[Lurker123]

Hey, hope everyone’s ok. 
 

Having a bit of a down day today. There has been no communication with MM since the last communications above, he is blocked from everything anyways, but for some reason this past week has been exceptionally hard. I’ve had some really vivid dreams about him and I just can’t seem to stop thinking about him. I know who he is now, but I think my heart just needs to catch up. This was made worse this evening when a friend was over and we were talking about people we knew and looking on Instagram and on the feed was a cluster of photos of him and his wife away on a romantic break somewhere. They were all over each other in the photos and the caption was all about how it was the perfect break away etc etc. I just felt sick. I feel so angry that he has just gotten away with all of this and has just carried on with his life as if nothing had happened, whereas I just feel so alone. I know I have no right to feel jealous and obviously if they have worked things out it’s good for their daughter, but I know it’s based on lies and that just makes me really bitter! For the first time ever I felt like I just wanted to expose him for who he really is. I wont, but I just feel angry and hurt and have no idea how to fully move on from this and stop feeling this way 😕 Any suggestions gratefully received. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

 I just feel angry and hurt and have no idea how to fully move on from this and stop feeling this way 😕 Any suggestions gratefully received. 

You move on by... moving on. Seeing new people who are actually available, etc. But it's easier said than done - your heart (brain's limbic system) has to do it's thing (neurons slowly adjusting) to get over him. If you had a real emotional connection it almost always takes longer than we'd like.

NC was working but seeing him triggered you. Avoiding those triggers as much as possible will help.

All the "brain happiness" activities I've mentioned in other posts will probably help a bit as well. Mostly you need to develop your life in a new direction where he isn't any part of who you are anymore. Branch out, seek new things, new people, new hobbies, experiences etc. Eventually your past relationship will be exactly that - a past relationship, just like any/all other Exes. It's that now, but you're still processing is all...

[Beentheretoooften]

Hi. I heard today that sometimes when September rolls around and the season changes and It starts to get cool,  and it gets dark earlier Are also things that could restart dreams and triggers.  I had never thought about that until a person I knew mentioned it.   Just a thought. 

[Allupinnit]

First of all social media is FAKE AF.  Nobody is as happy as they like to portray themselves.

Secondly, and I know in this culture it's easier said than done, but you need to get off it until you can heal.  Otherwise you're just going to continue to get triggered unnecessarily when getting over him is hard enough.  

Watch "The Social Dilemma" on Netflix- stuff like that comes up in your feed on purpose to trigger you emotionally.  They keep track of whose page you visit, have visited in the past, etc. - and then sell that data.  Insidious.

[Lurker123]

On 9/16/2020 at 11:57 PM, mark clemson said:

You move on by... moving on. Seeing new people who are actually available, etc. But it's easier said than done - your heart (brain's limbic system) has to do it's thing (neurons slowly adjusting) to get over him. If you had a real emotional connection it almost always takes longer than we'd like.

NC was working but seeing him triggered you. Avoiding those triggers as much as possible will help.

All the "brain happiness" activities I've mentioned in other posts will probably help a bit as well. Mostly you need to develop your life in a new direction where he isn't any part of who you are anymore. Branch out, seek new things, new people, new hobbies, experiences etc. Eventually your past relationship will be exactly that - a past relationship, just like any/all other Exes. It's that now, but you're still processing is all...

Thanks Mark. I don’t really feel ready to move on at the moment. I have days where I would like to be taken out and have that connection with someone... but as for actually dating and potentially getting into a relationship- my heads just not there yet. 

Thank you for your suggestions, I take them all on board. It’s just difficult, I am time and money constricted being a single mum, to try and do anything other than work and look after the children! Most nights are just spent at home by myself. I have a good circle of friends, but they have their own lives and can’t be expected to come and sit with me every evening and prop me up. 
 

Im just hoping that time will be a healer and that I can one day look back at this and feel nothing. 

[Lurker123]

On 9/17/2020 at 4:02 PM, Allupinnit said:

First of all social media is FAKE AF.  Nobody is as happy as they like to portray themselves.

Secondly, and I know in this culture it's easier said than done, but you need to get off it until you can heal.  Otherwise you're just going to continue to get triggered unnecessarily when getting over him is hard enough.  

Watch "The Social Dilemma" on Netflix- stuff like that comes up in your feed on purpose to trigger you emotionally.  They keep track of whose page you visit, have visited in the past, etc. - and then sell that data.  Insidious.

I do totally get this. I know you are right. I know you can’t go from telling one person you love them 6 weeks ago to being the perfect family with your wife and child in the next breath. I am just trying not to over analyse any of it. 

I didn’t see this on my own social media- I was looking at a friends and it just happened to be in the feed so of course I scrolled through... I don’t actively seek him out anymore and he is blocked on anything of mine, so hopefully I won’t come across this again!  

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

Im just hoping that time will be a healer and that I can one day look back at this and feel nothing. 

Probably not nothing at all, but yes, if you think back e.g. to your HS/college relationships, yes you do get over them etc.

[Allupinnit]

Does your friend know about your affair?  Why is she friends w him on FB?  Do you have to see him again when you go back to the office?

[SS2855]

On 9/18/2020 at 12:45 PM, Lurker123 said:

. I know you can’t go from telling one person you love them 6 weeks ago to being the perfect family with your wife and child in the next breath. I am just trying not to over analyse any of it. 

This is what I struggle with. In my situation the MM lays it on thick- I love you’s, song lyrics, etc. and the next day it’s like I truly do not exist, or am back to being a buddy. In my heart I don’t know how you can tell someone I love you and then no less than 24 hours later act as if all is normal. This has been happening a lot as of the past few months. Very hot and cold. I have continued to try and pull back but this week felt some like rock bottom. Low and a shell of myself. I don’t know if it’s just he taking my lead (keeping a little distant) or is it truly just lies. I’m likely naive but it feels so genuine. Lurker like you I had a social media moment almost to the tee and it destroyed me.