Boyfriend still likes old crush?

[seashell83]

My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months, and I have a worry I can't seem to shake. Here's some background:

 

Before we started dating he had a big crush on a girl he shared a flat with, but I assumed those feelings had subsided as we started getting closer. 3 months in to the relationship (since the first date) he went on a night out, had a lot to drink, and made a move on his old crush. By 'made a move' I mean danced with her and grabbed her butt. A couple days later, after debating whether to tell me or not, he told me about what happened. He assured me he didn't still like her and saw her as just a friend, he was just 'blackout drunk'. I was devastated, and we took a break over christmas. After the christmas break, I decided to give him another chance, accepting it as a mistake he'd made. We've been happily together since.

 

The reason I'm writing is because he recently drunkenly revealed to me that he did in fact still have feelings for her when the incident occured, and it was only over Christmas and when we got back together that he completely stopped liking her. This deeply hurt me, as I realised that the whole 3 months at the beginning of our relationship he'd liked her the whole time. He gave off the impression he was only interested in me, and asked me to be his girlfriend twice (which I replied I wanted to wait before an official label as he was the first guy I've dated and was unsure when to become 'official'). I feel betrayed and sick at the thought of him not caring about me enough at that point to allow him to make a move on his old crush, when he was the only one I was interested in.

 

Since then we have been great together, my friends all agree he is in love with me (which he says he is) and I do love him too. He has deleted her on all social media and is not in contact with her anymore (he's moved out from living with her now it's the end of the school year). The problem is I can't forget what he did, and I can't shake the feeling of betrayal and pain that he caused me. I love being with him, but don't know how to move on from these feelings, and I have a small worry that he may still like her. Back before the incident he said he only liked me and was loyal to me, which proved to not be true. How can I trust him when he says those things now?

 

Thanks, and sorry for the long post!

Edited July 3, 2019 by seashell83

[d0nnivain]

Does he still live with her? If yes, I couldn't handle that.

 

If no, I could probably see my way clear to conclude that once he got to know you better & realized that overall you were better for him, he's fully picked you.

[smackie9]

He's doing his best to move on from her, and in time most likely he will. He might still have a fondness for her, but it doesn't mean he can't fall in love with someone else. He knows now, she is a lost cause, and it's stupid to keep the hope of getting with her. He will get over it. For you, who knows if you can or not...that will be up to you and time.

 

 

Note: people desire most what they can't have...I think this is what he has been fighting with this whole time. It's how our brains work. Like I said, he will get over her.

Edited July 4, 2019 by smackie9

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months, and I have a worry I can't seem to shake. Here's some background:

 

Before we started dating he had a big crush on a girl he shared a flat with, but I assumed those feelings had subsided as we started getting closer. 3 months in to the relationship (since the first date) he went on a night out, had a lot to drink, and made a move on his old crush. By 'made a move' I mean danced with her and grabbed her butt. A couple days later, after debating whether to tell me or not, he told me about what happened. He assured me he didn't still like her and saw her as just a friend, he was just 'blackout drunk'. I was devastated, and we took a break over christmas. After the christmas break, I decided to give him another chance, accepting it as a mistake he'd made. We've been happily together since.

 

The reason I'm writing is because he recently drunkenly revealed to me that he did in fact still have feelings for her when the incident occured, and it was only over Christmas and when we got back together that he completely stopped liking her. This deeply hurt me, as I realised that the whole 3 months at the beginning of our relationship he'd liked her the whole time. He gave off the impression he was only interested in me, and asked me to be his girlfriend twice (which I replied I wanted to wait before an official label as he was the first guy I've dated and was unsure when to become 'official'). I feel betrayed and sick at the thought of him not caring about me enough at that point to allow him to make a move on his old crush, when he was the only one I was interested in.

 

Since then we have been great together, my friends all agree he is in love with me (which he says he is) and I do love him too. He has deleted her on all social media and is not in contact with her anymore (he's moved out from living with her now it's the end of the school year). The problem is I can't forget what he did, and I can't shake the feeling of betrayal and pain that he caused me. I love being with him, but don't know how to move on from these feelings, and I have a small worry that he may still like her. Back before the incident he said he only liked me and was loyal to me, which proved to not be true. How can I trust him when he says those things now?

 

Thanks, and sorry for the long post!

 

 

The right move here is for you to live for the present and the future and stop worrying about the past with a guy who really does seem to have cured his uncertainty.

 

What you described was probably a function of their shared proximity and comfort level, along with the recency related to the two of them living in the same place.

 

Now that he's free of having been made to interact with her daily in a somewhat intimate (home) setting, he is also free from the feelings that relative intimacy can so easily create.

 

YOU should take your present good fortune and keep running with it toward your wonderful future.