LT Marriage and Depressed H won't get - It's BAD

[SouthernLady01]

Hi, everyone -

 

I have read these forums off and on for quite some time and gotten a lot out of what I have learned just reading posts of others. I would like to share my story for feedback.

 

 

To make a long story short, H and I are both early 50's, been married for 26 years, with two teens. We've had our ups and downs with an extended period of 'downs' over the last five years. I have finally gotten to the root of the symptoms that have shown up over the last five years (mainly my H's anger issues and lack of interest in me sexually). TOO MUCH that could be said about that right now, but I will say that I have finally reached the conclusion that he is DEPRESSED and that the anger outbursts and lack of interest in me is caused by depression. He has gained almost 100 pounds over the years mainly due to sports injuries that render him limited with his mobility (his weight bothers him a lot - he tells me that frequently) and seems always stressed about work, kids, etc. He sleeps a lot, AND is angry. I found some articles on men and depression and boy was I not expecting what I read. Unlike women who tend to get down, sad, and isolated, the number one symptom of depression in men is anger and irritability! He does not want to hear the word "depression" and it makes him angry if I say it. I've talked to his family in the past about one of them calling him and they don't want to get involved. We had ONE sexual encounter in 2018 and none in 2019 so far. The years prior, it started dwindling about five years ago. He says he will go to the doctor about his T-levels which also can help with depression (per what I have read), but won't commit to doing anything about it if they tell him it is low. Just will commit to the visit and blood work to check it - and that's only to appease me. He will not go to any other type of practitioner to look at any other type of problem or diagnosis - physical or otherwise.

 

What are my options and what would YOU do in this situation? We are supposed to be married for the good and the bad. It is soooo hard living this way and knowing he can do something about it and won't. I am 5' 6", a fitness nut, and am told I look 15 years younger than I do. I hope to retire in a few years and I sooo want an active and HAPPY husband. I feel so drained just being in this situation, but it makes me sad because I think it could be fixed if he tried. I think he is trying by offering to go to the consult. Is there something else I should do AND what would you all do in this situation? How long would you give it before you seriously looked at other options? Is it good enough that he is at least going to the consult? With retirement looming, I surely don't want to start all over at 55 for so many reasons - financial, being alone, and other reasons. But yet it is starting to depress ME being in a situation that COULD be fixed if the motivation is there.

 

Any ideas for me?

[Flame Aura]

Tricky situation. You can only do so much, it is up to him to make changes to himself.

 

 

If he is not willing to make these changes to make him a better person, as well as make the relationship better, then there really is only one other option.

 

 

You need to talk to him and make it clear you are unhappy in the relationship and if he doesn't make an effort then you will be out of the door.

[Redhead14]

. . . through the good times and the bad times doesn't mean when there are bad times, only one of you is making an effort . . . If he's not doing anything to work on and improve things or even hear you, he's not a partner anymore. He's an albatross.

 

You need to tell him straight up that you can't live like this and you need to see real effort on his part or you will leave.

[d0nnivain]

Have you talked to his family doctor or perhaps your minister if that might help.

 

Start by telling him you love him & ask him Qs about what his ideal life looks like. Perhaps keep the junk food out of the house & cook healthier meals. See if you can get him interested in going for a walk after dinner. Even if he won't go, you go. Perhaps join a Y or local pool so he can swim; it's easier on the joints if you have prior injuries.