In the hospital, got dumped right after leg surgery, in severe pain, alone

[fortuity]

Hi,

 

I didn't know where it would be relevant to post this, so I thought I'd do so here. I'm a 25 year old girl and I feel absolutely miserable right now. I was on a trip June 22-23 and broke my leg abroad. They gave me a cast in the hospital there and told me I needed surgery as soon as I got back to my home country. In my home country, June 24th, they told me my bones were aligned and I maybe didn't need surgery afterall. A few days later, I slipped in my apartment (I live alone) and accidentally put all my weight in my broken leg. It moved the bones in a bad day, they found out on Monday. Tuesday I had surgery. They put a long plate and 8 screws in my ankle. Yesterday the excruciating pain kicked in. Yesterday I also got dumped.

 

My boyfriend, a year older than me, and I had been going out on and off, long distance, he lives in a country not far away. We dated from march to june last year, he broke up with me. We dated again from september to december last year, he came back and we gave it another shot. Then we dated again from february to now. Things seemed to be going great for us in the last 5 months, up until I got my accident. In march my grandmother died (I'm an orphan and my two grandparents from my mother's side are the only family I have, now I only have grandpa left), I was devastated. He was kind and caring and loving and helped me get through it, in april he came to see me and it went great, we were very loving and affectionate with one another. We had planned a trip next month in nature, just the two of us, so we could enjoy each other's company, and now I feel horrible about it, had to cancel it as I can no longer walk.

 

Things got weird when I got my accident. Around the same time, he got a sinus infection. I became needy in the last two weeks, I could feel him getting cold and distant, I really needed affection because I'm basically crippled now for at least 6 weeks and previously having been really active and into sports it is debilitating for me to go through this. I expressed to him that I needed him, more than ever, to be there for me emotionally, that things suck right now, and I need to be told that things will be fine, and I'm loved, cared for and not alone.

 

Yesterday, we talked on the phone for 3 hours, and he told me he couldn't see himself with me long term, that he couldn't see himself potentially living with me, or with anyone for that matter, and even though he might regret this, it is easier short term for him to break up with me and date someone else. I told him goodbye in tears and told him I loved him very much and I'd miss hil greatly, and to take care, and then I removed his contact details not to be tempted to beg him to come back.

 

I feel awful and now I'm crying in my hospital bed, in both physical and emotional pain, thinking how I'm going to get home in a few hours after my surgery on crutches with a cab. I feel heartbroken.

 

tl;dr: Boyfriend dumped me the day after surgery while in the hospital because he couldn't see himself with me long term.

[Beachead]

Hey,

 

I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through. Surgery + breakup is horrible. You've come to the right place.

 

I myself a 2 years ago had to go though a surgery on my jaw, though this was shortly after me and my ex broke up. I ended up going through the whole recovery process alone. Didn't even really have a friend who even called to see how I was. I was in pain, had terrible headaches. I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. ..and I was completely heartbroken.

 

You will get through this. It's just, sometimes when it rains, it doesn't just pour..it can be full blown hurricane. I don't know why life does that but I do know when you get passed it, and you will, it's going to change you and you're going to know your strength.

 

Regarding your relationship, although for you it seems his behaviour changed around the accident, I think he must have been contemplating ending it with you months. I say that because I know decisions to breakup don't happen overnight. They are a slow burn..maybe over months. Knowing how much you must have cared for him, likely made him feel horrible about himself and it forced him to get real about the relationship. It might have taken some time to accept that this wasn't for him but like many dumpers, he eventually got to a point where he couldn't lie to himself or you anymore. That's why these things happen out of nowhere or at the worst time possible.

 

Trust that if he broke up with you, he wasn't for you. Especially since he left you at a time like this. You don't want to be with someone like that..half-committed, with one foot out the door anyway. You deserve better. It won't be an easy heal. Your heartbroken and you'll need to grieve and grieving takes time. Be patient and kind to yourself and stay close to the people who love you..even if it's just one.

 

Ps. You've got people to talk to right here so emotionally, you're not alone.

 

- Beach

Edited July 4, 2019 by Beachead

[fortuity]

Thanks so much, Beach, for your kind and considerate reply. I'm sorry to hear you went through that two years ago, it must have been extremely hard. I'm so devastated that he couldn't at least wait a day for me to get home, walking on crutches while in this kind of pain takes all my focus and concentration, if airheaded at all I could misstep and slip and undo all the progress from the surgery.

 

I miss him so very very much, but I can't reach out to him as he doesn't want to be with me anymore. It's very hard, especially since recovering from this surgery without having people aroubd to check on me is very scary.

[Beachead]

@fortuity

 

Ofcourse you're devastated. It isn't easy to be broken up with, let alone like that. It's not okay..it horrible.

 

But being an orphan, it tells me, you've had to find strength in yourself to make it this far in life without the kind of privileges many of us enjoy. This tells me you can do this without your ex. You're capable. Trust in that even though you may not feel like it.

 

You could use a little support though. Could you request a nurse for a regular in house visit? Or could you ask a friend or your grandpa to be there atleast a few times in the week? Start brainstorming ideas and options and think in that direction.

Edited July 4, 2019 by Beachead

[fortuity]

I can't unfortunately call anyone over and don't really have anyone to help, especially because I can't walk, but I'll manage.

 

I'm just completely destroyed and I miss him so much.

[Maddie82]

Take comfort in knowing that you WILL heal and you WILL get back to how you use to be. You WILL get over this guy in time. My mother broke her ankle and ended up with a blood clot that traveled to her lung causing a massive stroke. We almost lost her. She will never be how she was again. You will fully heal.

[fly_again]

Sorry to hear that, it's a tough period. I don't want to blame you or anything like this but there are times when we have to realize our own weaknesses too, to learn from them and build ourselves further. Everyone has needy times, I had them as well, but nobody should be responsible for our emotional state except us. Of course, the feeling that our love supports us could help a lot, but it doesn't mean we're a useless wreck without them. They can't fight for us or solve our problems if you know what I mean.

 

I'd recommend to use the next weeks/months to grieve the relationship and explore yourself more (with discovering new interests, topics and activities to do - even if you love to being active, there are a lot of other ways to spend your 'alone time' effectively which will give you inner strength).

 

I agree with the possibility that he already had the BU in his mind for weeks or even months, it wasn't because of the incident.

 

I wish you fast recovery and never forget that you're strong enough to fight alone as well.

[d0nnivain]

My heart broke for your story. You are a stronger person then you know. Hang in there. I wish I could crawl through the computer & give you a hug.

 

In the short term do you have any friends who can help? What about a neighbor?

 

Do your Physical Therapy & see who is around there. You might be a cute medical professional (not somebody treating you but in the facility) or a fellow patient.

 

When you finally get discharged, make an effort to expand your social circle. Make new friends & set about getting a new guy.

[preraph]

Well, I suppose you don't really want to hear what a dick move that was on the part of your boyfriend, but this is one of those signposts you have to hit before you know if you can go the distance with someone: how they deal with it when you're ill or need some genuine support. Obviously, he can't be bothered if it's not convenient to him and he's thinking more about his short-term needs and you being out of action for a few weeks.

 

So I know it's hard to see right now, but it is what it is and he's so clueless, he didn't even try to hide how useless he is as a partner when he broke up with you. He's what you'd call a fair weather boyfriend and what you should never even consider calling a husband.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this alone. I'm old and kind of crippled myself and I do know what it's like to be struggling to just get up and go to the restroom or get something to eat. Some places have grocery delivery now, so you should look into that. You might mention to your doctor that you have no support at home and see if there is anything in the way of home care available if he orders it.

 

If you are a church member, let your pastor know. Come right out and tell any friends that you could use a little help right now.

 

Any decent person, any decent neighbor, would help out if they knew you needed help, so don't be afraid to ask.

 

I know this is a dark time in your life and feel so bad, but years from now you will look back on this young man abandoning you and understand he wasn't good enough or he'd never have done that at your time of need. No decent person would.

[preraph]

I second what D0nnivain said about doing your physical therapy. It's essential to recovering well. Your muscles will atrophy if you don't keep them going with the proper physical therapy as per doctor's and PT's instructions.

[fortuity]

Thank you all so much for your support, it means the world to me. I am going to focus on my PT exercises as soon as the pain from the surgery gets better. I am now 2 days post-surgery, I take opioids for pain management and the surgeon said the pain would lessen after about 3-7 days. So right now I'm just coping with the pain and opioid-induced nausea and not doing much. I ordered some groceries online and will hopefully get them tomorrow. I do have one close friend, and I'm hoping he can help me get my prescription renewed at the pharmacy because I only have pain meds for the next 4 days. I also have to start working remote on monday since I've taken quite a few days off of work now. My coworkers sent me flowers and I cried.

 

I'm not going to reach out to my ex. Part of me wonders, will he ever regret what he did and reach out? I really hope I won't hear from him because I have a lot of bad feelings right now. I still miss him and love him but I'm hurt and very upset that he'd do this at this time.

[JuneL]

Great to know that you have a close friend who may help you out when needed. My best friend broke her ankle a few years ago, and I learned a bit about the whole (long) process of surgery, recovery and physical therapy. Have you asked your close friend to pick you up from the hospital and get you settled at your place? For example, she may need to help you put a chair in the shower, or arrange other stuff in your apartment so you can live conveniently while relying on crutches (you may want to get a “scooter” for people with a broken leg). If you don’t have too many people to help and can afford, hire some aid to come a few hours or more per week to help with essential stuff. There are plenty of forums and blogs in which people shared their experiences with the whole process and provide emotional support.

 

In terms of main management, the need is very personal. My best friend took less than a handful of synthetic opioids right after the surgery, and took another handful of tylenols for the pain due to injury. Try to avoid synthetic opioids unless it’s absolutely necessary; you don’t have to finish the whole prescription.

[fortuity]

I managed to make it home with a cab and crutches on my own. I do have a chair in the bathroom. I'm intending to lessen the opioids the more bearable the pain becomes.

 

Did your friend manage to walk again painlessly and how long did it take her?

[JuneL]

I managed to make it home with a cab and crutches on my own. I do have a chair in the bathroom. I'm intending to lessen the opioids the more bearable the pain becomes.

 

Did your friend manage to walk again painlessly and how long did it take her?

 

I remember that she was required to be no weight bearing for 6 weeks. It probably took her another 4-6 weeks to be able to walk unaided, albeit with a clear limp (and at a very short distance initially), and yet another 4-6 weeks to walk 100% unaided even when she went out. She never really had that much pain during the whole ordeal, until she first tried to run — I took videos of her when she reached some of benchmarks

 

Is your grandfather in good health? Is there any chance he may visit you?

[fortuity]

Grandpa lives far away and he's not in great health unfortunately. I've been doing my best to visit him as often as humanly possible when I didn't have this broken ankle, and it breaks my heart I won't be able to see him for a few months until I can comfortably walk again.

[divegrl]

Man this is a tough situation. I’m so sorry for what you’re going thru.

 

Sending love and hugs. Know that you are not alone my friend.

[mark clemson]

Hopefully you will move on to someone you can really count on. No doubt it doesn't feel like it right now, but perhaps the breakup aspect will turn out to be a blessing in disguise in the long run. Hope so...

[fortuity]

I'm really miserable right now. I really really needed him, but he's not here anymore and it feels so lonely. Yesterday was my first day of no contact. This is extremely hard and I get the urge to contact him all the time, but I know it would make it way worse so I won't do it. It just sucks, all of it.

[Beachead]

@fortuity

 

It does suck. You're going through physical recovery and emotional recovery all at once.

 

When I was getting through my breakups and miserable periods in my life, the best tool I learned to use in the beginning of the grief was writing. It helped me get my feelings out as well as help me focus my train of thought towards the direction it should be focused on.

 

Spend some time writing (Or Typing) what your ex did at the end of this relationship and how it makes you feel. For instance, this guy left you at your worst. Left you to deal with your trauma alone. He revealed that he was not committed for the long run. What you miss is whom you thought he was as well as whom you wanted him to be, not who he really is. He's revealed himself to be a crappy partner. I know this doesn't make it any easier but reminding yourself of the reality, everyday is what will help fight those urges to contact him, during your weakest moments.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

[fortuity]

Thank you for your advice, Beach, and everyone else who took their time.

 

I kind of want to write a draft letter to him that I'll never send with all of my feelings. He was there when I was supportive and loving and self reliant, things were good then, and he ran away as soon as problems arose.

[Highndry]

He's not a quality individual. He's a selfish prick. He and my ex would make a perfect couple. It seems like something she would have done. A good man would have been by your side. You will meet a better man who is deserving of you. Sorry that happened, and best of luck.

[preraph]

Yeah, don't start thinking he'll regret his actions in time. His feelings just don't run that deep. And even if he regretted any of his actions it would only be for his own purposes and not because of what he did to you. Sure he might try to come back around after your whole again to see if he can still get sex from you. He has flunked the keeper test and you do not want to waste any more time on him.

[fortuity]

Thank you, Highndry and preraph.

It will still take a while for me to get over the break-up, I have his words ruminating in my head, him saying it'd be easier for him to date someone else short term. I'm thinking, since I broke my leg, I became a bit more clingy and he pulled away, so I'm guessing he befriended a girl who sang to his tune and told him what he needed to hear. Then he dumped me because she got into his head. And I feel lost, I feel like I wasn't good enough, I wasn't wild or exciting enough, I was all too predictable. It's hard to maintain a sense of self worth but I'm doing all I can and hopefully when I don't have to take as much morphine for the pain which makes me feel sick and sleepy most of the day, things will very slowly start to go back to normal.

[nolanola]

@Fortuity, I am so sorry to hear what you are dealing with!! That is terrible timing. I am pretty pissed at your ex - what a jerky thing to do. I know it's hard for you to see it right now - we all tend to put our exes on a pedestal, even after they have treated us badly.

 

What Beachead said is 100% right - you are missing the parts of this guy that were great and made you feel great, but you're not accurately seeing everything he is. Again, we all do this. We don't want to admit that the person that we gave our hearts to is not who we thought they were. My best friend had a wonderful way of thinking about this. We were talking about my ex and I was saying how hard it was for me to see him as a bad person. She said that it is possible that he's not a terrible person, but he made terrible choices in how he treated me. Meaning that he has the capacity to be a good person, but he can also make bad choices. For some reason this is comforting to me.

 

It was also helpful for me to keep a journal and to use that to ruminate as much as I wanted to about why things happened the way they did. I also used it to make a list of all the things he did that weren't so great instead of thinking about the good times we had together. I listed all the times that he went cold (very specifically) and the times that I cried over him. Looking at that list made me see him differently.

 

It will get better, I promise. NC sucks, but it does work. It is a slow process and can be very frustrating at times because you will feel annoyed that you're not doing better yet. Be patient with yourself - it takes as long as it takes and for some people (like me) it takes a long time. I would also encourage you to not think of yourself as being "needy". There is nothing needy about expecting our partners to be there for us when we are physically hurt or struggling emotionally. That is what you wanted and it is ok. The fact that he couldn't be there for you tells you a lot about him and what he has to give to a relationship.

 

Finally, I understand about feeling "not good enough". So many of us feel that way after a breakup, because we internalize their choices and make it all about us. Think of it this way though - you were obviously good enough for him to start a relationship with multiple times. It wasn't about you, it was about him and his choices. When the situation got tough, he couldn't hang with it. That's on him, not on you.

[mark clemson]

And I feel lost, I feel like I wasn't good enough, I wasn't wild or exciting enough, I was all too predictable.

 

From what I understand those "wild" high intensity relationships don't tend to stand the test of time very well. So don't worry too much. Finding a person who's right for you who actually are is the real trick I think. That said, it shouldn't hurt to have a little wild fun once in a while in the context of a stable relationship.