In the hospital, got dumped right after leg surgery, in severe pain, alone

[preraph]

Thank you, Highndry and preraph.

It will still take a while for me to get over the break-up, I have his words ruminating in my head, him saying it'd be easier for him to date someone else short term. .

 

Honestly, he just sounds very me, me, me and like a person with zero empathy. This isn't about a girl saying the right thing. This is about he's selfish and self-centered and possibly even narcississtic to the point his small problem, he perceives as more important than anyone else's big problem. No empathy, no ethics. You are now an inconvenience to him. I hope one day you stop trying to find the good in him and look at what this says about him. He's a jerk. He may be a fun jerk when things are going well, but he is all about himself, and that will not change.

[JuneL]

I have the feeling this guy will come back once you have recovered. Please do NOT take him back.

[fortuity]

Thank you so much, all of you, for your advice.

I've always wanted to make my significant other happy and to be good to them and whenever I made a mistake that was even very slight, I was always hyperaware. Whenever he made mistakes, often I'd forgive him without pointing it out or making a big deal out of it.

 

In our relationship, I always had my life going better than his. I have a master's degree in finance, a well-paid job in a bank where everyone loves and appreciates me, got promoted a few months back, I live by myself in a very nice modern apartment, always had a lot of hobbies. My ex had a bachelor's in art, had been unemployed since he graduated and not even looking for a job due to his depression, still lives with his mom, spends most of his days in his room.

 

A lot of the time he was extremely upset about his situation and I was extremely supportive. When he came to see me, I paid for everything and told him that if he just starts taking baby steps towards improving his situation, he will get there, and that I believe in him 100%. I think he took me for granted because I gave a lot and didn't expect much in return.

[fortuity]

I miss him so much today, but I'm also so extremely hurt and don't want to hear from him. I wonder if he's already found someone else. I wish he'd at least apologized for what he did. I think I'll always hold a grudge.

[JuneL]

What did you like about this deadbeat?

[preraph]

He won't apologize unless it's for his own use. He doesn't have remorse unless it affects himself. You've been ignoring all these flaws of his and been way too tolerant. You need to expect more out of men, some ethics, some empathy and not just think anything goes. There are BAD guys and there are guys who are only good when things are going their way serving their purposes. Still bad.

[Beachead]

I miss him so much today, but I'm also so extremely hurt and don't want to hear from him. I wonder if he's already found someone else. I wish he'd at least apologized for what he did. I think I'll always hold a grudge.

 

This guy left you alone at your worst, because being there for you was less important to him than his need to date others and have short-term fun. That is a clear, conscious choice from him, indicative of a person who is not worthy of your energy, time or resources. If he met someone else by now, that only strengthens the fact. Whatever you do, do not take him back. He failed you.

 

But I'll remind you, just because he did this, doesn't mean you're unlovable and will never be loved. Contrary to our beliefs, there are a lot of external factors beyond our control that go into a breakup, that have more to do with our exes than ourselves. Things they may not even be aware of. Things like his past and the baggage he brings into the relationships. The way that baggage has affected him which shapes who he chooses to be friends with, whom he dates, his decisions and reactions to things etc. Other factors include what's going on in his family and his professional life. So many things that you can certainly help with, but cannot control. So don't bare the responsibility of it. You could have been girlfriend of the year and he still could have left you because of what's going on with him.

 

It's not him you miss fortuity. It's who you thought he was and what you wanted that relationship to be with that version of him. In reality, he wasn't honest with you and crushed that dream into dust, when he revealed his colours. Makes you feel like a fool and you're trying to come to grips with yourself and how you could let a guy like this into your life. Sometimes that's a lot harder to accept and sometimes our mind can twist us around and get us to think about them as the "The one that got away" rather than the wrong one. It's a coping mechanism.

 

The break up is still as fresh as it comes. For now, it's about letting your emotions be and letting those weeks go by in NC because it'll help you actually realize he can get through that time just fine, without contacting you. From there, your coping mechanisms, the denial, and the hope which you use to block the pain, will all start to break down. The lies we tell ourselves hold only temporary value before they're exposed and at some point holding onto him will become far more of a drain on you than letting go. That's when you'll let go because it'll make sense to. You'll begin to face the truth and start healing from there.

 

It's okay that you miss him. Everything you feel is okay. I miss my ex sometimes even though it was 2 years ago. When we ended, I cried on my front porch in silence knowing I wouldn't be okay for a long time. Knowing, it was 3rd relationship of mine that went to the dumps. Knowing I wouldn't be the same. I'd have to continue on..and continue on I did. I jumped onto LS like you did for some help. I talked to some close friends and family. I went on Youtube on listened to some some peoples experiences on breakups (I stayed away from the "Get your ex back" type scams though.) I wrote in a journal nearly everyday, about why it wasn't going to work out as a reminder to myself. She actually went back to her ex immediately after ending it with me and married him not long after. I was angry at her and wanted them to fail ever since and it was an everyday thing. I couldn't even drive anywhere near the places we had spent time together at. Restaurants, roads, parks and other landmarks would trigger so much heartache. But what crippled me reduced to just hurt, then a sting, and now passing thoughts. Even the anger is fading. Time and life lived does that.

 

Now, I find joy in my own things again. I love, laugh and have good times with others. I'm ready to date again, though I choose not to at the moment, and that is a big thing for me. I didn't sour from it in the longterm. Everything about me is almost the same except for the fact that I've learned more about myself, how to treat myself better. How to walk away from things that are taking a toll on my well-being, and in general, more experience which makes me better than who I was. The mind is powerful and you'll pull through it as well though you can't see it right now. When you get back on your feet, you'll discover a lot about yourself with time and it's only strengthen your belief in yourself.

 

So for now, chalk it all up to a growing process. Let those emotions fly and just remind yourself of what he did to you to stop yourself from sinking into a hole. Continue to push forward. Focus on your physical recovery as well as your emotional. You got support here.

 

- Beach

Edited July 9, 2019 by Beachead

[fortuity]

@JuneL: He was very intelligent, and he challenged ne in a lot of ways. Also, often when you love someone it's just mere attraction that distracts from the flaws and puts you in a state where you're very drawn to them and you don't even know why. A lot of it was unjustified, I can see now.

@preraph: You are right, he was bad for me, and he did things I can't forgive him for. I wish he would've at least apologized. What I picture now is him being in a rebound relationship he was probably initiating while we were still together. The thought itself makes me sick to my stomach.

@Beach: Thank you, you are so right. Today I cried a lot, a mixture of anger and sadness, I feel so dejected and abandoned. Never in my life did I think he'd do something like this, plainly state how much better for him it would be for him to date someone else short term while I was an idiotic girl in a hospital bed after my surgery, missing him, just wanting to hear from him, loving him. He took me for granted and not only did he leave me in a horrible moment, he also poured salt in the wound by trashing me because dumping me wasn't enough. I loved him so much, I can't believe he was so selfish. You know, when I first broke my leg and reached out to him lots he said "I'm pulling away because I don't want to be your sole contact, I don't want to feel suffocated". Who says that if they give a ****?! Also while I was in the hospital being scared about the future surgery, a day before, he told me to stop being so melodramatic. I ignored all his flaws because I wanted it to work so badly. The person I thought he was doesn't exist.

Edited July 10, 2019 by fortuity

[Beachead]

@fortuity

I was an idiotic girl in a hospital bed after my surgery, missing him..

 

No, you're not idiotic. When you've been through trauma in your life and you're still capable of acts of love (Forgiveness, patience, kindness, compassion etc.), you're brave and you're strong.

 

There are a lot of people out there who really do want companionship/intimacy and commitment but go through life, afraid to get close to anyone because they're afraid to get hurt. So they might leave a person before that person leaves them. They might sabotage the relationship and set it up for failure. They might set their expectations extremely high. They may frequently play the field without ever committing or just abstain from dating altogether. They can end up never experiencing a meaningful connection because of it.

 

Since every situation is it's own and we can't know everything about someone nor see the future, whatever we learn from prior relationship experiences won't be enough..it always at the end of the day require a leap of faith. And we take that leap because because deep down, we all seek companionship, intimacy and someone we can just get through our daily life with. If it works out, it's bliss. But to experience that potential bliss, you have to love.

 

So don't blame yourself. You saw an opportunity, it was worth it for you, and you went for it. A bad experience will make you appreciate the good ones when it comes so you need the bad to show you what the good is. All you have to do is not suffer in vain. Suffer going forward. Make the most of this pain.

 

Here's a little thing I learned in my own misery..it's those extreme lows in our life that we're completely open to change because we're filled with powerful potent emotion; anger, sadness. The world wants to look down on emotions/feelings such as sadness/anger as weak or negative but if channeled productively, it can end up being a motivator and driver for change and growth in your life; spiritually, physically, socially, academically, financially etc. So let yourself cry and feel the pain but remember to use this as an opportunity. Take that heartbreak and squeeze everything out of it and put it all back into building yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited July 10, 2019 by Beachead

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. You are clearly a strong person who has had this double blow of a serious injury (and surgery) and an unbelievably insensitive boyfriend.

 

What can I say about your ex, except that he clearly does not deserve you. You have integrity, spirit and generosity. He has ... what? Selfishness, thoughtlessness, total lack of empathy. I am sure if you think back you will see signs that he had no empathy. Did he ever consider your feelings? Seriously? Did he help you in the past when you felt down and out in some way? Is he kind to people?

 

Sometimes something happens when you hit rock bottom. It is as if one realises it is a turning point, that things will be different in future, that there is hope of better. I know it is partly because it feels things cannot get worse, but also because we are forced to re-evaluate, to look at things afresh.

 

Your anger and hurt will hopefully prevent you from ever entertaining this guy again. It is agonising now, I know, but it may well deter you from wasting your time and love on someone so unworthy.

 

I sense you have real spirit and an inner strength. You have done so well for yourself, despite the difficulties. This is a very testing time and you have every right to cry and mourn for the good aspects of the relationship. Eventually, those tears will be replaced by peace and a coming to terms with it, then you will be a fresh person open to a much brighter future with someone who genuinely loves you not himself.

[preraph]

Often takes something inconvenient or an illness or a bad turn of luck to show who someone really is. Just be glad you found out before you were tied together legally or had a child. It's very hurtful when we find out the person is not who we gave them credit for being. He is not made of the right stuff. just remember that's why you date for quite a while before getting married or something. You are getting to walk away free of him without being forced to be tied to this person who is simply not up to your standards. He's not up to most people's standards.

[nolanola]

So much good advice here, OP. I relate so much to all the things you said and have had so many similar thoughts.

 

I was dating this guy a few years ago and he treated me really badly. He was an addict and our relationship was so toxic. We broke up and he went to rehab. We reconnected while he was there and got really close. I really hoped we would get back together and hoped that being there for him in that time would convince him that I was the one for him. To my surprise and extreme hurt, he started dating someone else instead. Did I give up? No! I hung in there for a few more years, keeping in touch with him and continuing to hope he would change his mind while he dated other women. Flash forward to a few years later. We hadn't spoken in a few months when he texted me to wish me a happy birthday. We had a brief back and forth and then to my surprise I got another text from him a week or so later. I was thrilled to hear from him so soon, but the text was kind of weird. I said something about it to him and he admitted that he had meant to send that message to another woman. I thought I would die I was so embarrassed and hurt. When I thought of how excited I was to hear from him and how he was obviously flirting with some other woman, I felt like the biggest fool on earth.

 

I wanted you to know you're not the only person who has ever felt that way. That you're not the only one that has felt so stupid. But I know the feeling. I used that feeling to propel me forward. It hurt so badly for a really long time, but it got better - just like Beachead described. Today it doesn't even really sting that much. I just am so glad he isn't in my life any more. Any good memories of him have faded too.

 

Hold your head high. I know this sounds lame right now, but he really, really, really does not deserve space in your heart. When he comes back (and he will, I would bet money on it) I hope you stick your crutches where the sun doesn't shine and keep on moving.